Takes

Ken Bone is a government plant to distract us from the election

I think that Ken Bone is either a plant for the Red Sweater Company... or he might be just a guy that's inserted in there to make us just stop freaking out about the election. I think that Ken Bone might actually be like a Jason Bourne type situation where he's an assassin.

Losing an election should result in an immediate prison sentence

That should actually be the rule in this country. If you lose the election, you should have to go to prison.

This is finally the breakout year for Reggie Bush

I think this is the year for Reggie Bush. ... So on the year, his year average is negative four. So today he had three, so I think that was the rush he needed.

The NFL will finally cure breast cancer this year

I think this is the year that the NFL finally cures it [breast cancer]. ... Stay woke on breast cancer.

The NFL is done and finished due to tanking ratings

I think the NFL might be done. So their ratings are just tanking... why am I even tuning in if I'm not seeing a person dressed up like a superhero?

The NFL should bring back O.J. Simpson to fix their ratings

Just let O.J. Simpson back in the league. If you let O.J. play at running back for one game and just get destroyed... In the past year, what have we learned? We don't give a shit as Americans what it is. If it's about O.J. Simpson and it's on TV, we will watch it. So bring O.J. back. Yes, let him run. Bring the juice back.

There was a second ball in the pile during the Browns-Redskins Duke Johnson fumble play

I would also like to say that I'm a truther. I think that there were two balls on the play. I think that there was a second ball that was in the pile that we don't see, and then Duke Johnson had the other one.

ESPN First Take's ratings are down because Stephen A. Smith failed to kidnap Kevin Durant

So they need some help because First Take, when they lost Skip Bayless, both sides lost. Ratings are down because people realize that Stephen A. Smith wasn't going to back up that talk. They're like, oh, this guy's not going to kidnap anyone.

Germany is the Russell Westbrook of countries

Europe's stuck with Russell Westbrook, a.k.a. Germany. Cyborg, super talented, kind of scary. Yeah, they just freak out every now and again. Then you have to do a rebuilding process. Dress weirdly.

David Ortiz definitely used steroids in his final MLB season.

David Ortiz... obviously did steroids in his last year. It's not even a witch hunt, really. I'm rubber stamping it. Witch hunt confirmed. He hit .317. That's the third highest average he's ever had. Connect the dots, Hank. You can't get suspended for steroids if you retire.

Vince Scully's 'retirement' is the coward's way out for an announcer.

I'm glad that Vin Scully's done. I'm just sick of hearing about the farewell tour. It's like, dude, you're just an announcer. I want my announcers like Harry Caray and Jack Buck, they need to stick around to the bitter end. Get a little senile. Vince Scully, you took the coward's way out. What real announcer retires?

Josh Gordon is being paid by the NFL to pretend weed is ruining his life

Is there a conspiracy that Josh Gordon is being paid by the NFL to pretend weed is ruining his life so they can keep it illegal? ... who else do we know anyone else who's been addicted to weed?

Tim Tebow is a viral marketing stunt hired by Jimmy Kimmel

I think Tim Tebow is just a viral ad. I think he's just a viral person. He's a Kimmel stunt. Yes, Jimmy Kimmel has hired Tim Tebow from the time Tim Tebow was in ninth grade just to do pranks.

The NFL is a better place when the Dallas Cowboys are using cocaine

I think if you're a Dallas Cowboy, you should be allowed to do cocaine. I think that's one of the rules. The NFL is a better place when the Dallas Cowboys are using cocaine.

Tom Brady is a system quarterback and Jacoby Brissett is better than him

Tom Brady, system quarterback. That's obvious right now. I have not seen Tom Brady—did you see how fast [Jacoby] Brissett was? That's a whole other dimension. I think he's a better quarterback than Tom Brady.

The US should invade Canada for their hockey players

Just invade Canada already... I'm sick of America being nice. Where's that gotten us? We haven't won a Hockey World Cup ever... Just do it just for the sports. Or just be a really bad neighbor... Let's shade all of Canada and then we own it.

Bill Belichick would actually sign Jeff Garcia off the street

Realistically, you guys are thinking I'm joking about this. Jeff Garcia. If you don't think that Belichick would actually sign Jeff Garcia, you're an idiot because he would. He has been looking at Garcia's number in his phone and just staring at it almost pressing call for the last two hours.

Arian Foster's groin injury is a result of kneeling for the national anthem

Couldn't help but notice that Arian Foster kneeled for the national anthem... and he injured his groin severely today. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Just saying. It's kind of interesting. Little God. I mean, God is American.

I am a stand-up wiper

I'm gonna say I'm a big stander and I was kind of like scarred because when I was like 10 or 11... I went to wipe and just dunked my hand like right in the bowl with like the shit and water in there so from then on out I just I'm standing.

Concussions aren't real

But actually concussions aren't real. So I don't know what Tebow is trying to get out there. Little Tebow is not the kind of guy who pretends to believe in stuff that doesn't actually exist.

The sun is officially beatable after Ben McAdoo's week one plan

So the Giants are 1-0 against the Sun. And the Cowboys are 0-1 against the Sun. So Sun's taking a lot of L's this year. It sounds like the Sun is very beatable. Between Tebow and McAdoo, it's a down year for the Sun.

Robert Griffin III looks hilarious when he gets injured

I'm just going to say it... Robert Griffin looks hilarious when he gets injured. The dude is like, he's all arms and legs. He looks like Stretch Armstrong. Even when he's not getting injured, he looks like he's about to get injured. His body is shaped like an asterisk.

Roger Goodell should suspend himself for two games following the Mike Pereira door-pushing revelation

Roger Goodell was protecting the shield before protecting the shield was cool. Here's what Roger Goodell should do. So it doesn't look good, right? ... Roger Goodell should suspend himself... for two games... And then he'll hear the appeal... reduce it to one game and boom, I think the problem solved.

College football overtime should be replaced by a coaching fist fight or Oklahoma drill

I think that if we actually just had the coaches have a fist fight, like a boxing thing. Or maybe the coaches do the Oklahoma drill in the middle [of the field]. Who wouldn't watch that?

Ellen DeGeneres will get pregnant this year

I would love to see Ellen DeGeneres get it done [get pregnant]. I think this might be the year she thinks she's sexy. And I would like to see a Skip Bayless Ellen DeGeneres kid.

The ozone layer is the most overrated thing in the world; without it, everyone would just be tan and good looking

The ozone is the most overrated thing in the world. Yeah, oh, without the ozone, everybody will get really tan and good looking. Oh, man, wouldn't want that.

A player who suffers a gruesome career-ending injury should have the option to be euthanized on the field

If it's an old fullback, let's say he's like 37, 38 years old, got a lot of miles on the legs. He's about to retire and he lives and breathes for football, breaks his leg gruesomely. I think a player like that would almost rather be euthanized on the field than have to live out the rest of the life.

Rodney Harrison is 'appropriating white culture' by judging who is black enough

Rodney Harrison said earlier today that he didn't think that Colin Kaepernick was black enough to complain about being discriminated against. As a white guy, Rodney Harrison is frankly appropriating white culture by determining who is and isn't black enough to be discriminated against. That's something that white people have been doing for a very long time. And we do it well.

The Colin Kaepernick anthem protest is a viral marketing stunt for Beats by Dre

This is obviously a viral marketing stunt for Beats by Dre. We're going to find out there was a camera that was on Kaepernick on the sidelines. The National Anthem starts playing, puts the beats on, and 'I'm the man, I'm the man'. It's the sleekest beats design of all time. Nobody will even know that you're wearing them.

The McChicken is the most fuckable sandwich

I think number one's got to be the McChicken. It's like the Lance Armstrong of fuckable sandwiches. [The guy in the video] destigmatized fucking the McChicken... if you say anything else you're kind of a weirdo.

The Ryan brothers are the 'original feminists' because Rob Ryan carries weight like a pregnant woman

Is Rob Ryan the original feminist? I mean, he's pregnant, basically. He has to walk around with that weight, right? He's got that belly. I think he's in a hat tip to all the women out there who have gone through childbirth and the beautiful child thing that is childbirth. Rob stands with you.

Twitter is primarily composed of memes and ISIS recruitment

It's just memes and ISIS recruitment. That's what Twitter is. It's a real problem out there. Real problem out there.

Tom Brady is injury-prone because he spent 12 years on the injury report

Is Tom Brady injury-prone? That's what it sounds like to me. It sounds like he's a China doll. Yeah, been on the injury report more than any other player. Got bit by the injury bug.

Swimming is not a sport; it is just a struggle to keep breathing

Swimming is not a sport. It's just trying to keep breathing.

I could win an Olympic silver medal in a swimming relay if I was on a team with Michael Phelps, Ryan Lochte, and Connor Dwyer

If you put me with Michael Phelps, Ryan Lochte, and Connor Dwyer, and we do the four-person 200 meters, I think we at least take silver.

The New England Patriots have pulled shenanigans that have to be considered cheating

Based on the Spygate thing, which they did, and what I at least perceive to be enough evidence on the Spygate thing, to me, they pull shenanigans that are certainly have to be considered cheating.

Stevie Wonder isn't actually blind

Stevie Wonder isn't blind. Have you seen some of the clips out there? He catches microphones that are falling down. Like he's pointing at people. He's a blind guy that points. They do not point. Stevie Wonder is not blind. Look it up.

Wisconsin threw the 2014 Big Ten Championship game so Ohio State could make the College Football Playoff

Wisconsin threw the 2014 Big Ten championship game 59-0 so that Ohio State could go to the national championship game... Barry Alvarez, Wisconsin AD, sits on the selection committee... He knew, hey, listen, if we're going to get the Big Ten into the national championship, they've got to put a whooping down. Hey, Wisconsin – Go ahead and roll over. 59-0. Let's make it a bloodbath.

The summer Olympics should include a 'Top Gun' style cockpit dogfighting competition

I've got dogfighting, except not dogs, like airplanes, like Top Gun... how amazing would that be if you have, like, cameras inside the cockpit... and the hard deck at 10,000 feet... qualifying person who finishes and last dies.

The Hall of Fame game cancellation was a conspiracy to force viewers to watch the Olympics.

The Olympics, tonight was supposed to be their big night. They needed the ratings... NBC, their president is a guy named Steve Burke. Steve Burke just happens to be a former Disney executive. Maybe he called in a favor... [the painter] is probably the easiest person in the world to pay off.

Vladimir Putin's decision to dope the Paralympic team shows an admirable commitment to winning.

I almost respect that. Like I'm now kind of on Putin's side. If you're going to the extreme lengths of taking your most vulnerable citizens and saying, we're going to pump you up with horse steroids, that's at least a commitment to winning.

I am 100% innocent of all criminal charges

I'm innocent without a doubt. The charges are related to some hedge funds I operated in a public company I operated. Don't have one person who has ever complained. You won't find one person that ever lost money... I'll never take a plea deal. I'm 100% innocent.

LeBron James is a dickhead and I would never want him on my rugby team

Probably the last person I would want is LeBron... strictly because he's a dickhead. He's a dickhead. If I had to go with anyone, it would probably be AP, Adrian Peterson. He would be good at that.

Trent Richardson being cut is good because it starts his Hall of Fame eligibility clock sooner

Great news for Richardson. Now the clock can start on his five-year eligibility until he can get into the Hall of Fame. So he can get it in 2021 instead of 2022.

Being shot is preferable to watching Mike Mularkey coach the Jaguars

I would get shot 10 times again instead of going through 2011 Jaguars again.

Arnold Palmer was never actually a good golfer

I don't think Arnold Palmer was ever actually good. Have you seen that guy swing? Swings like my grandpa. I would kill that guy.

LeBron James not signing with the Cavs yet is the biggest act of devastation to a city since Aaron Hernandez

If LeBron ends up not signing, I think this would be the biggest act of devastation that one player could ever cause to a franchise. And a city. Except for Aaron Hernandez.

Ken Griffey Jr. likely used performance enhancers given his weight gain

1989 was his debut. He weighed 195 pounds. Late 90s, he was listed at 205. 2004, I dug it up. He was listed at 215. And then when he retired, he was listed at 230. So over the course of 20 years... he gained 35 pounds. Hmm. Just saying.

Any twins who share a Twitter account have definitely kissed each other on the lips

Now, you know my theory that all twins at some point have kissed each other on the lips, like not in a brother-brother, sister-sister way. If you share a Twitter account, I think it's basically decided that that has happened, correct?

Blogging is more harmful to the brain than playing professional football or hockey

I think blogging is more harmful to your brain than playing football or hockey or any more women's soccer... your brain becomes soft [as a blogger] because you have no contact with anything.