Takes

The 2018 NFC Championship non-call was not pass interference

Was it pass interference? No, not, it wasn't. Was it called Pass interference? It was not. I've had a million pass interferences that weren't called. They can be mad. I every once in a while... I'll like, kind of, you know, just toss it out there.

Titty fucking is only fun to do once

I think guys, if you guys, the one person will agree with me... It is the man. We're doing it. Drum roll: titty fucking. It's simply fun [only] once. That is something that like you're in middle school, you dream about and then you do it and it's like, this isn't that fun. I've literally only done it once 'cause I was like, I don't need to do this shit.

Travis Kelce is a pussy for fighting Jack Cochrane in training camp

Jack Cochrane's the dude who pissed off Travis Kelce. So shout out that guy for exposing Travis Kelce for being a pussy. ... That was getting into it. 'cause he got hit once just like a little bit after the play and he got pissed off.

Shohei Ohtani took the coward's way out by staying with the Angels

After the pressure of the trade deadline gets lifted, he decided to stay with the Angels. A team that has no expectations on it. That's interesting. He took the coward's way out. Is he afraid of the bright lights? If I was Shohei Ohtani, I would be demanding a trade to the New York Yankees or the Los Angeles Dodgers.

Dak Prescott is playing like ass

And Dak [Prescott], the Dak one was more, he's playing like he's playing ass... I can't be making this up. Every time I see a Cowboy fan, I can be anywhere in the world. They be like, stop talking to my Cowboys. And the next question I'll say, what's the reason why y'all can't win a Championship? Do you know the first player they say? Dak Prescott. Ass.

Modern fans don't care about Marshall Faulk because he is overshadowed by better players

Marshall Faulk was not a—no one gives a fuck about Marshall Faulk. I'm sorry. Besides you guys. His name gets overshadowed by like, so much better players. If you throw a Christian McCaffrey in there, that's more of a spike for like modern fans.

Who even remembers Johnny Unitas anymore?

Does anyone remember Johnny Unitas? They do but like, not as a great... Who the fuck's Johnny Unitas?

LIV Golf players sold their souls and should be shunned by golf fans

I hope everybody in LIV dies in a fiery boat accident. I hate LIV, I hate the whole idea. But imagine you guys, if they took half the NFL and said, 'hey, half the teams are gonna move to Saudi Arabia, we're gonna pay 'em five times what they're worth'... That's what happened to my sport... Tiger didn't [take the money]. And so I love Tiger for that.

The Masters is the best major, but the American Century celebrity tournament is second

I'd go Masters still first. I'd go American Century second. I have Steph Curry this week to finish top 10... A good British Open is like tied second with a Ryder Cup for me. But I would say Masters first no matter what.

Travis Kelce 'runs soft' and doesn't run enough people over

I don't think he runs that... like he does get crazy yak, but I don't think he, like, he doesn't run anyone over... I just would like to see him do it... it comes up in the him versus Gronk debate.

Victor Wembanyama is a bust

Victor Wembanyama from France. The Frenchman not played in Summer League. Bust. Oh, okay. I like that take.

Dan Snyder will rebuy the Washington Commanders

My other one is Dan Snyder's gonna rebuy the Washington Commanders. Wouldn't that be the funniest thing ever? There's no chance that happens.

Mohammed bin Salman will buy the LPGA and ban drivers for women

I'm just gonna say that Mohammed bin Salman is gonna buy the LPGA and the women aren't gonna be allowed to use drivers anymore.

Chief Aholic is a modern-day Robin Hood who we shouldn't be castigating

Chief Aholic is basically a modern day Robin Hood. Stole from the banks, gave to himself and we're, we're castigating him for it. We're throwing him in jail maybe for the rest of his life. It feels messed up.

Urban Meyer would be a great choice for the next Northwestern head coach

I think one thing we can all agree on though is a great choice for the next Northwestern head coach would be Urban Meyer. Ooh, yes. Let's get urban back in the conversation. Not afraid to get his hands dirty. The guy is a molder of young men and let's just get urban back into the Big 10.

Football players who don't play and then transfer are 'snitches' for reporting hazing

No dudes who don't play in transfer are the biggest snitches ever. ... Cuz they're, they're the only ones who's like, there's something wrong with this program. It's not wrong with me. It's the program that's wrong.

Joey Chestnut belongs on the Mount Rushmore of all-time athletes with Jordan, Tiger, and Secretariat

I'm being serious Joey like I know you're a humble guy and I appreciate that, but when I think of like the greatest athletes of all time, it's like Michael Jordan secretariat, tiger Woods, Joey Chestnut. I think that'd be my Rushmore right there.

I guarantee the Steelers will go 16-1 this season

Guarantee it 16 and oh... 16 and 1. [Loss in week 17] Because you pull all your starters cuz you have the number one seed locked up. Exactly.

Nebraska Football will go undefeated and win the National Championship in 2023

Dude. We're winning it. We're winning it all. National [Championship]. Undefeated. Undefeated. There's, it's not even a possibility that we're gonna lose a game this year.

Travis Kelce 'runs soft' and should try running someone over more often

I just think you could be a little more... you could end a couple of those, like run someone over. You could run a little more physical. He thinks you run soft... I think it's because you can, but you don't and that's what... can you just like run someone over like, like, you know, dude?

The Russian Wagner Group rebellion was a PSYOP intended to dupe Ukraine

It was a PSYOP for the market. There was a PSYOP. Okay, Putin's Gucci. He just did that whole thing to make Ukraine think they could take back Bakhmut and then they're gonna do a pincer move on him... They were able to move troops under the guise that they're doing a coup. And now Ukraine thought they were going to Moscow, but now they're just North [of Bakhmut].

Chris Paul is going to win a championship with the Washington Wizards.

I don't think that this is a buyout situation. I think that Chris Paul's gonna win a championship in DC.

Ja Morant flashes guns on Instagram Live as a safety precaution to deter potential threats.

I kind of get why he's flashing a gun on Instagram live. Because his location is revealed. He wants anyone watching his Instagram live to know that he's strapped. It's a safety thing.

I could beat up any legit 10-year-old in the world

People were saying that baby Gronk could beat me up, not a chance in the world. I would beat the shit outta baby Gronk. Like if it was one-on-one, me and him in a cage match, I would make him tap. It'd be, it'd be so easy. No, I could beat up any 10 year old in the world. Any 10 year old in the world.

Jay Monahan is the biggest scumbag in the world

Jay Monahan, the biggest scumbag in the world, the biggest scumbag in the world. He invoked 9/11 if they were to accept a hundred million dollars to go play golf on the LIV tour. So he said that to his players with a straight face. He brought in 9/11 families to act as a human shield for what he was doing behind the scenes, which was negotiating with the LIV tour.

The US government uses Taylor Swift news to distract from alien craft revelations

In fact, I went up to our friend Kelly Keegs, who is maybe the biggest Taylor Swift fan in the entire world. I was like, so did you hear about The Aliens? And she was like, what Aliens? Taylor might be working for the United States government and they just told her like, Hey Taylor, please dump your boyfriend right now because we need to cover up the alien thing.

I could kill any bird in a fight, including a Great Horned Owl or an Ostrich

I'd fucking smash a baby owl... Fucking kick [a Great Horned Owl] to the moon. Listen, that's any bird dead. I will kill any bird. If you put an ostrich in front of me, I tie its neck into a knot... Choke it out.

The Celtics need to blow the team up

First is stop talking about that video because Celtics lost and it doesn't matter. First they, you gotta blow it up. You gotta blow it up. How many times can you get close? I mean, as a Celtics fan, I cannot stand watching this team get so close year after year and then falling short. It's bullshit.

The Russians are radicalizing orcas to attack ships in NATO waters

So the Russians have been training beluga whales to be spies in NATO waters and with all these recent orca attacks are the Russians, radicalizing orcas? ... The orcas haven't been acting like that before.

The Celtics will become the first team in NBA history to come back from down 3-0

They [the Celtics] just need to win two and if they win two, they're winning four. And everyone in this room knows this... It was exactly reminiscent of the Yankees and Red Sox game three. They lost like 19 to eight. Got absolutely blown out... They came back, they won. They shocked the world First team to ever do it. Why not us?

PFT and I should do a tattoo bet on the Bears vs. Commanders Week 5 game

Pft, the bears and commanders play week five Thursday night football. ... We should make it a tattoo bet. ... Tattoo bet for week five. Thursday night football.

The 1990s Rockets would have beaten the Bulls even with Michael Jordan on the court

They would not have won eight in a row. They would have been a small team trying to defend Dream [Hakeem Olajuwon] and us. We would have beat them. Now if you ask me the same question and go, can you beat that first three-peat team or the second? I don't know... But those teams, that how they were constructed and just add Mike to it, we would've beat them for sure.

Kobe Bryant's spirit won Game 4 for the Lakers, not Lonnie Walker IV

I think we can all agree that Kobe Bryant actually won that game for the Lakers, not Lonnie Walker. RG3 said Lonnie Walker's performance in the fourth quarter was out of this world. We know it was you Bean.

Connor McDavid and Leon Draisaitl are the best duo since Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen

I say he's Pippen and Jordan, I say the best duo since Pippen and Jordan. Wow. They're gonna, I think they're gonna win win a championship.

Meghan Markle attended King Charles' Coronation in a disguise

They're saying that that was Meghan Markle wearing a prosthetic, pretending to be a dude to sneak into the coronation. I have no idea if it's true or not, but I now I believe it because these people care so very deeply about it.

Sam Darnold might be the most talented pure thrower in 49ers history

There was another great hot take out there in the world of football. Did you guys see what they said about Sam Darnold today?... He said Sam Darnold might be the most talented thrower of football that the 49ers have ever had... Most talented thrower. He didn't say best quarterback... basically what he said was, 'I wanna fuck his spiral.'

AI-powered robots will kill us all in less than a year

If you guys watch the episode metalhead [from Black Mirror], that's actually happening in real life... They gave Boston Dynamics robots brains and now they can do whatever they want. Think for themselves. ... I still think we got less than a year left. We're cooked.

The LIV Tour will eventually do for golf what Tiger Woods did in the late 90s

You just give the live tour three years. And I predict that every kid, every young kid across America, it's gonna do for golf what Tiger Woods did for golf in 19 98, 19 99. It's gonna be a phenomenon.

Anthony Richardson is a 'follower' because he copied Will Levis hitting the ceiling at his pro day

Anthony Richardson did it and said that he hit the roof on purpose because Will Levis did it. This is my red flag. I want my quarterback to be a leader, not a follower. Like he was copying someone else. He was like following the lead.

Hendon Hooker will be the best quarterback of the 2023 draft class

Hendon Hooker wins... I think Hendon Hooker has the best combination of falling to a bad spot and having good enough talent to like make it in the long run.

AI robots will take over and kill everyone within a month

I'm fully convinced, I figured I should just get it on record that probably within like a month, AI is going to build robots, take over the world and we're all gonna die.

If Connor McDavid doesn't win the Stanley Cup this year, he is a 'bum'

My big bet is gonna be on the Oilers... because I'm sick of you telling me how Connor McDavid's the best athlete in all of sports... this is a personal one-on-one legacy match... If he doesn't win the cup this year, he is a bum.

No one should be judged for their actions when their heart rate is over 150 BPM

No one should be, no one should be judged for their actions when their heart rate's over 150 beats per minute. I agree with that. That that's what I believe.

Taylor Swift is better than Beyonce

Who you got? Taylor Swift or Beyonce? It's Taylor Swift. Easy. Nah, it's so easy. It's all day... No, you guys, girls, no one knows a single Beyonce song, right? Yeah, she's super old. Taylor Swift. Much better vocalist.

The pull-out method is a 100% effective birth control method

This is why the pull-out method's just, it's the best. So much more effective. It's the best. Yeah. Works a hundred percent. You know where the semen's going? Yeah. Never have a problem pulling out. Yeah. You know. Exactly. You can, every last drop of come is accounted for you pull out.

I will drive my car into a ravine or off a cliff if Tiger Woods wins another Masters

I will drive my car into a ravine on purpose if Tiger Woods wins another Masters. I'm gonna go ahead and say there's no chance that Tiger wins another masters. If it means that Tiger wins another masters, I will, I will drive off a cliff.

Patrick Mahomes would not perform well in Kyle Shanahan's highly structured offense

I don't actually think Mahomes would do that well in [Shanahan's offense]... I think it's too structured for Mahomes' play style. [The Chiefs] let him cook more often than not.

Anthony Richardson is a better talent than Cam Newton was at the same age

Anthony Richardson is better than Cam Newton right now... When they were both this age, whatever age they were. Yeah... That SEC wasn't the same as today's SEC? No. It's much harder. It's much harder to win in today's SEC.

Drinking your own piss once a month provides long-term health benefits

I drink my own piss at least once a month. It's supposed to help long-term health benefits. I haven't been sick yet... when you think about it, your lower digestive system gets a lot of piss going through it. But your upper doesn't really get the taste of that.

LeBron James is a better Laker than Kobe Bryant

I started just doing a bit that LeBron is the best Laker of all time. And I had like my top fives and Kobe wasn't on it. [Ari: Kobe's the sixth best]. Yeah. It was like Nick Van Exel. It was like Shaq. So all these like... Will Chamberlain, Kareem, Magic, I'll give Worthy. And then LeBron.