Takes

Seth Curry is a better pure shooter than Steph Curry

Seth Curry is the better pure shooter than Steph Curry... Steph has to create his own shot. Seth is much better off the pick... Seth is better away from the ball.

Jon Snow is responsible for the massacre at King's Landing because he wouldn't sleep with Daenerys

Jon Snow should get some of this blame because if he just had sex with her, she probably wouldn't have gone crazy. Exactly. Just sack up and fuck your aunt and save millions of lives... You can flip out while you watch a city burn and be like, we shouldn't be doing this. Or you can just squeeze off a nut the night before.

If the Hurricanes lose their playoff series, Big Cat will track down and kill Hamilton the Pig.

If the hurricanes lose, I'm going to try to track down the pig and kill it... I'll kill a pig. Let's do bacon until it dies of a heart attack.

The NBA should allow defensive goaltending on three-pointers to decrease shooting efficiency

Allowing goaltending on threes is probably the biggest stoner ideas I have. Let's make it fun, dudes. Let's make it a little harder for these guys.

Dan Snyder is the best talent evaluator in the history of the NFL

I don't do overreactions, but Dan Snyder is the best talent evaluator in the history of the National Football League.

Daniel Jones is actually an unacknowledged member of the Manning family

I think there was some hanky-panky that went on, and Archie's got another kid running around by the name of Daniel Jones... Daniel Jones is the most fucking alias name I've ever heard. Absolutely. He is a Manning. He's Manning through and through.

Duke players only chose the school for the degree, not because of illegal payments

So essentially Marvin Bagley and Zion Williamson were on the open market to be bought, but all of a sudden no one was able to buy them except for—oh, Duke. I figured it out, though... they decided to go for the diploma, a long-term investment, as opposed to a quick infusion of cash.

Baseball players should start smoking cigarettes and drinking whiskey in the dugout to prevent modern muscle injuries

Yeah, I think that baseball players should start smoking cigarettes and drinking whiskey in the dugout again because you never heard of guys back in the 20s tearing their ACL. They just limped around like fools for the last 40 years of their life if they were lucky.

Greg Popovich is trying to sabotage NBA stars with wine

I truly think that he uses it as an advantage to be like, I'm going to turn LeBron James into an alcoholic so my San Antonio Spurs can still look like we're still in dynasty mode.

Jon Snow and Arya Stark will have sex and then one will kill the other

Jon Snow and Arya? They're brother or sister. So they'll probably fuck. Yeah, okay. Jon Snow and Arya. They're actually cousins. One of those two is going to kill the other one. He's going to have to kill the other one at the end. But after they fuck. They're definitely fucking.

The Cleveland Browns are going to the Super Bowl and they will win

When they got Odell, I called every one of my friends and said, we're going to the Super Bowl. There's no doubt... They're going to the Super Bowl and they will win. I am not dangerous. I woke up this morning and I felt dangerous, just like Baker Mayfield does every day.

Having sex doggy style makes you more likely to have twins

If you have sex doggy style, you're more likely to have twins. That's a fact. If she's on top, you're more likely to have a girl. If a guy's on top, you're more likely to have a dude because you're dominant.

You cannot get pregnant in a jacuzzi

Can't get pregnant in a jacuzzi. Pre-cum is a soccer player. All these are facts. These are just stone cold facts.

Coach K has entered the 'Paterno phase' of his career where he is no longer actually coaching.

First of all, can we just acknowledge that [Coach K] has entered the Paterno phase of his career where he's just trying not to shit his pants as the game's going on. He's not actually coaching. That's the thing. This season was such a disaster from Duke... How do you have a team full of freshmen get worse as the season goes on?

I will eat PFT Commenter's ass if Christian Yelich wins the Home Run Derby.

They were talking about the Home Run Derby and if Christian Yelich ever got in it and won, that [Big Cat] would eat PFT Commenter's ass. Yes. And so when I saw that tweet, it just reminded me... I'll fucking eat PFT's ass, whatever.

Baseball managers should be required to manage shirtless

If you're a manager, it should be mandatory that you're shirtless. Just the pants and the belt. We should do bodies of baseball, and it's just all the managers.

The Detroit Tigers will win the AL Central

The Tigers are in the Central, right? Oh, wow. Tigers... Is Vegas always right? [Vegas win total 68]

I would perform a sexual act with a cat for two million dollars if no one found out

If no one was to find out, a couple sheets... a couple sheets, $2 million, and Hank would fuck a cat? Raw dog, too.

Nick Saban paid Bill Belichick to wear an Alabama shirt to help recruit white wide receivers

I think that Saban paid him to wear the shirt because Saban knows they need to do a better job recruiting the Hunter Renfros of the world... What better way to recruit the, like, scrappy little white wide receivers than have Belichick be the new face of your program?

Sean McVay will turn Blake Bortles into the greatest quarterback of all time

Sean McVay is about to get his hands on that clay and mold [Blake Bortles] into the greatest quarterback of all time. Well, second. One and one. One and one A with him and Jared Goff.

The Lakers should trade LeBron James

Jeff Van Gundy put it out in the universe like last week that the Lakers should trade LeBron, and it's awesome. They should. They should. He's not like he's paying him to be a basketball player.

LeBron James is tanking the Lakers' season to lure Kevin Durant to Los Angeles

The one thing I'm keeping an eye on here, I think LeBron might be tanking this season on purpose because KD is going to want to do the opposite thing that he did last time he was a free agent. He wants to go to perhaps the worst team in the league. Right now that looks like the Los Angeles Lakers because they just lost to the worst team in the league two nights ago. So I think that this is LeBron James setting up a long, long proposition here.

Kyrie Irving is a method actor who has become stuck as the character Uncle Drew

I think he's a method actor. I think when he got into character as Uncle Drew, as like a baby boomer, now he hates all millennials around him. He's a character actor right now and he's still stuck. Andy Kaufman got stuck playing [characters], his mind got messed up. Can you imagine that, playing a character for so long that it starts to affect your brain and everything that you do?

I would still take Brad Stevens over LeBron James

Still take Brad Stevens. [over LeBron].

LeBron James is a piece of shit teammate and a bad look for the sport of basketball

Big Cat, I know you love hoops, but what he's doing right now... It's actually pathetic. It's just so embarrassing. He's the worst role model I've ever seen. ... He is just a shitbag. He's such a shitty teammate.

Robert Kraft's punishment for the solicitation sting should be jerking off every other NFL owner

As much as I would like to see the Patriots get their entire draft this year and next taken away from them for the actions of the owner, I feel like the punishment should fit the crime, and [Robert Kraft] should have to jerk off every other NFL owner.

Duke should fold their basketball program and let everyone go to the NBA

If Zion's going to sit out... what's the point right you're probably not going to win the title now so maybe have cam reddish sit out maybe have rj barrett sit out... and maybe just fold the whole duke program and let everyone else just go to the nba

Alex O'Connell is a top five player in the nation

[Coach K] is going to now have two months to get this team with the number two and number three recruit in the nation, Alex O'Connell, top five player in the nation, in my opinion.

The Celtics' internal tension will lead to 20 championships

This tension that they have right now is going to really, it's going to bring the team together as one. They're going to unite. Kyrie's going to be a leader. Then he's going to resign and he's going to stay a Celtic until he actually dies until he's 70 years old and he's going to have 20 championships.

Michigan football doesn't matter anymore

Here's the difference between me and you. I know what I am. You still think Michigan matters. You still think we're in 1960. I know that Wisconsin winning nine games in the Pinstripe Bowl is cool with me. You think you're competing for national championships, and you're not.

The Steelers should trade Antonio Brown back to the Steelers for a fresh start

Antonio Brown's a free agent. He wants to leave Pittsburgh... so just trade Antonio Brown to the Steelers. New start. New us.

Papa John is the new face of Kentucky basketball

I think we should just go with a take that Papa John is now the new face of Kentucky basketball. When I think UK Wildcats, I think shitty pizza.

Orlando Magic GM John Hammond is a worse GM than Hitler

Worst GM in any sports history, including Hitler. Straight facts. Spot the lie.

The Houston Texans will never win a Super Bowl

The Texans will never win a Super Bowl.

Coach K will leave Duke to coach LeBron James and Kyrie Irving in the NBA

I'm going to go pro, do the old Pete Carroll, bounce, and then go coach LeBron and Kyrie. I like that.

The NFC Championship officials from Southern California conspired to help the Rams win

Four of the refs, NFC Championship game, were from Southern California, where the LA Rams reside. ... They waited their whole life for the Rams to come back to LA. Then they were like, now's our time to strike. Then they struck.

Max Kellerman could beat Derek Carr in a fight

I might take Max Kellerman in a fight against Derek Carr. I would. He talks about boxing a lot. If you talk about fighting a lot, I assume that you can at least handle yourself a little bit just by osmosis.

Fix NFL overtime by making both teams play their backup quarterbacks

College overtime, 25-yard line, everything's the same as college overtime... Only wrinkle, each team has to play their backup quarterback. Now we're getting, now we're creating jobs and the backup quarterback becomes a very important position. The minute you go to overtime, your starter can no longer play quarterback.

Tony Romo is receiving the coordinators' play-call audio in his earpiece during broadcasts

I know someone who works for the CBS football production team, and CBS is pulling play-call audio and hot routes from the same radio channel that the coordinators send to play into the QB's helmet. They direct the audio into Romo's earpiece, and he appears to know all the calls beforehand.

Taysom Hill will be the next Drew Brees

I am convinced now that Sean Payton will have the next Drew Brees in Taysom Hill because he had that one throw... Taysom Hill's throwing 50-yard bombs. It's not fair.

NyQuil Listerine is a million-dollar product idea

NyQuil Listerine. Both of these things, they look the same. Basically the same packaging. Combine them into one... You have your Dayquil Listerine for the morning and the Nightquil Listerine for night.

The blueprint to beating Tua Tagovailoa is hitting him in the groin in the first quarter

The blueprints out there for how to beat Tua [Tagovailoa] is hit him in his dick in the first quarter, and then he'll just be thinking about his balls for the rest of the game.

Men who buy cats are betas who want to be dominated by an animal

You're dealing with a cat guy here. Cat guys are not alphas. Not an expert negotiator. He basically got a cat because he's such a beta that he wants an animal that will dominate him... If you get a cat as a male in the United States past the age of 10 years old because you want it, you should not be allowed to date one of our American women. Go to France.

Australia doesn't exist

Australia doesn't exist. It's made up. If you're the king of England, would you rather just put all your prisoners on a boat, send them halfway across the world, and then pay for them to be fed? Or do you think that old king of England would have just sank that boat and just told everybody, hey, the prisoners are over in Australia now. They're fine.

Men evolved to nut fast to avoid being killed by woolly mammoths

From a Darwinian perspective, it's actually an advantage. Guys evolved to nut fast. Right. So we can spread our seed and be more efficient so that we don't get killed when we're like having a romantic tryst by a wandering woolly mammoth or T-Rex.

I will cut off the tip of Big Cat's pinky if the Seahawks win the Super Bowl

I personally Dunchained the Seahawks. I think they were the inaugural Dunchain. And listen, Big Cat is being very, very accountable with his Texans Dunchain, saying that he will cut his pinky off. I just want to say I will be held accountable as well. If the Seahawks win the Super Bowl, I will cut off the tip of Big Cat's pinky.

Tito Ortiz is literally one of the dumbest human beings on planet earth

I think that [Oscar De La Hoya] is getting a lot of this information from Tito Ortiz who is literally and I'm not just saying this to be real he's one of the dumbest human beings on planet earth he's primate level this guy

I will cut off my pinky if the Texans win the Super Bowl

I already said I was going to cut off my pinky if the fucking Texans win the Super Bowl.

The Panthers should cut Cam Newton if they lose to the Browns

Panthers, by the way... if you lose this, maybe cut Cam Newton. Cut him. Straight up cut him.

I am going to own the Washington Redskins one day

I want to make my intentions very clear that at some point I'm going to own the Washington Redskins. I'm just saying. It's one of those tricks that you read in business books. If you say it enough, no matter how weird it is... everybody will believe you.