Takes

Nick Saban can truthfully guarantee every recruit a national title if they come to Alabama

If Nick Saban walked into your living room at any point in the last 14 years, he could say to you and your family, you will win a national title if you come to Alabama, and it is true. You can look at it, 09, 11, 12, 15, 17, 20... You are guaranteed to win a national title.

Using Delta 8 THC will make you better at video games

3Chi is great. It'll make you better at video games. There, I just said it... I get more kills as a single person in Warzone when I take a 3Chi than we do as a team when I'm playing with Billy.

If a defense makes three stops in the Alabama-Ohio State title game, they will win

I think if a defense makes three stops... It's got to be a punt or a turnover. Three stops, I think, wins this game.

Roughly 21% of NFL players are on performance-enhancing drugs

I would say probably five to seven different types of things. Oh, yeah, 20, 21%. Just stuff.

Shorter men need to earn $133,000 more than tall men to be seen as successful

A male who's five foot eight needs to make $133,000 more per year to be viewed as successful as someone who's six feet tall. I'll just do two more episodes of Pardon My Take on my own a year. All of a sudden, boom, I'm back in the red, baby.

I am retiring on my terms (sort of)

For me, unless a super enticing offer comes down the pipe... as far as me in my career and where my family's at, man, I couldn't be more happy and content and satisfied with my journey... and this is the end of the road. I wanted to just let it be known that I'm going to go out on my terms and call it a career... Well, the paperwork hasn't been final filed as of yet.

Tom Brady is 1-3 against the NFC East in the playoffs and we are the best division at beating him

Tom Brady [is] 1 and 3 against the NFC East in the playoffs. You might recall we're the best division against Tom Brady. So I said before the game, I was going to wait for the giants. If the football team lost, I want to open up the bandwagon.

Aaron Rodgers is the MVP and lives to kick the shit out of me and the Bears

I hate [Rodgers], but I also will at least say he's the MVP and guess what? He's fucking good. And he lives to kick the shit out of the Bears in the city of Chicago and me. That's just the fact.

I vomit before every single NFL game as part of my routine

As soon as we come back in from warmups, I go puke... I always think I'm like, all right, I'm going to step faster now. And that's my positive mindset.

There is a 0% chance of beating a team if their coach smashes a watermelon before the game

I can't be—I'm 0 and 2 in watermelon games. I bet way too much on watermelons. I hate these watermelon games. I've lost so much money to the fucking watermelons. I cannot—there's a 0% chance of beating a watermelon team.

The NBA's consideration of expansion to Seattle is primarily driven by the need for billions in expansion fees

The truth is they need money. And if they expand again, it's about a billion dollars a franchise... They're talking about, 'Oh, should we put more Jersey patches on stuff like that to make up the extra revenue they're not getting from ticket sales?' The Seattle SuperSonics coming back, that would be a hell of a Jersey patch. You would definitely rake in the cash.

The Bears have a 90% chance to make the playoffs if they win out

If the bears have a 20% chance to get to the playoffs right now, if they win this game against the Vikings, they have a 43% chance. If they win the following week against the Jags, it's now 53% chance. If they want to get to the Packers 90% chance.

Drew Brees can no longer throw deep because of a shoulder injury

His shoulder injury. Because he forgot to tell the doctor about that. His shoulder, he can't throw deep anymore period. But his shoulder is hurt. He can't throw deep anymore, even worse. So it's like his game is so limited that defenses can plan for him being like this guy's shoulder's shot.

My back pain is caused by a bulging disc, not a muscle issue

My back hurts. I fucked up my back. I woke up on Wednesday morning and couldn't really stand up... starting to get shooting pain down my right leg. I think it's a skeletal thing. If it's your lower back and everything you described sounds like a disc... a bulging disc like basically hits the nerve.

No quarterback has ever won a Super Bowl wearing a visor

It adds up though. We don't think that any quarterback has ever won a super bowl wearing a visor. It's true. [Trace McSorley]: I guess we got to change that. [PFT]: No, I mean, I think we've got a, when it, with the visor, that's what I'm saying. We need someone to do it.

Baseball was actually my best sport

I always feel like baseball is actually my best sport... if I really had focused on baseball, you know, out of high school, I was going to be a top pick out of high school... I never really got to fully blossom fully in my baseball career... out of high school and stuff that baseball was actually my best sport.

Jake Paul is lying about being 6'1" and is actually 5'9"

Jake Paul is lying about his height. He's listed at 6'1", but is really 5'9". And I put a picture of Jake Paul who wore a headdress in his face-off with Nate Robinson to show that he's not actually the same height... He's shorter than KSI, who is listed as 5'9".

Every quarterback with 300+ touchdown passes is a Hall of Famer

Just going to throw this out there. Everyone who has 300 touchdowns or more is in the Hall of Fame. Oh, shit... My argument has always been that numbers will be Hall of Fame worthy because everyone who has over 300 touchdown passes is in the Hall of Fame.

The Washington Football Team pass defense is not actually number one in the NFL

The going from one to five when you say we're number one hurts. [PFT: Out of 32.] Yeah, I know, but that's not number one. It is good, but it's not number one.

The Washington Football Team has the #1 pass defense in the NFL.

The Washington football team has the best pass defense in the NFL... That's just a stat, Biggie... they have the number one pass defense yards per game.

A parlay strategy involving five underdogs has a 50% likelihood of profit

I plugged in 32 outcomes, and then once each outcome happens, you see how much money you stand on winning in that moment... this actually has a 50% likelihood of being positive.

I benched 315 pounds for three reps today just messing around

Fucking put the microphone down. I put up 315 three times today fucking around. Get back to me in a couple years.

Empty stadiums make games windier because there are fewer bodies to block it

I think no fans makes the stadiums windier. Okay, because there's fewer bodies to intercept and block off the wind. I feel like wind has been happening more, and this game was very windy and weird. I think the amount of people, yeah, I think no fans, more wind.

Drew Brees' injury is actually to his shoulder, not his ribs

Drew Brees hurt his ribs. Quote, unquote, ribs. You're skeptical about that... Drew Brees has a bad shoulder. Okay. He got slammed on his shoulder. Okay. His shoulder's hurt. He probably still has broken ribs... Watch the replay and tell me his shoulders hurt. I watched the replay many times. I want you to watch it again and tell me his shoulders hurt.

My parlay system is designed to never lose all your money

Basically what I've done is I've figured out how to make sure that you don't lose all your money... it certainly is like making an app. I've got up to 31.25% that I break even. It's not going to win you money, but it's going to help you budget your bet better.

British soldiers are mandated to sit down to pee in tanks

The British have to sit down when using the toilets in their tanks the piss because they can't stand up in the tank. I believe they like mandate it... I checked myself. That's a good fact check.

I am one of the best in the world at predicting Dave Portnoy's pizza review scores

I feel like I'm one of the best in the world at predicting what Dave is going to rate a pizza... I'm nasty like it's just it's crazy. Like I picked this so many times... I would put money up if we want to do that one day.

Heat Wave's bloodline produces the most delicious cattle of all time

You would know that the most tasty cow of all time is Heat Wave and Heat Wave's bloodline lives on to this very day. And if you buy a direct descendant you from the Heat Wave, the most Billy cow of all.

Humans are more effective and cheaper than robots for retail inventory

Walmart has stopped using robots to do inventory because they realize that humans were actually just as effective and cheaper. So cool throne humans were cheaper than robots.

Bats can predict the future using echolocation

Bats can actually see into the future because they predict where the inset... They've gotten so good at using echolocation, they can predict where an insect is going by processing the spatial information... So they can predict the future.

I can still bench 315 pounds once my rotator cuff is fixed

I've got a torn rotator cuff the last two years and I can only close bit dumbbell, press that's it. I can't miss Preston more has been about two years. So maybe I can get it fixed. But once I get it fixed, I guarantee I'll do it [bench three plates] again. I'll let you break the story of my torn rotator.

The Washington Nationals are still the current regular full-season World Series champions

I'd also like to say that the Washington Nationals are still current regular full season World Series champions that is for the record that I've gone to game seven. What the fuck? What happened?

Ryan Tannehill's success is officially not a fluke

Ryan Tannehill good is we made all the jokes in the world, but the Step has been taken and it is fully been taken. This is not a statistical anomaly anymore because last year the end of the year, we're like, oh he's doing it. But he's just playing out of his head. We're now six weeks into the 2020 season... He's good.

Nick Saban is worth seven points to the betting line in an Alabama game

I do kind of think that Nick Saban is definitely worth seven points in a game. So if they lose by fewer than seven points, then I would say this does not count as a loss.

Football field goals go farther at night when it's cold

Kicking sucked at the start of the year. I didn't feel it. Now I'm starting to feel it. The weather's getting a little bit colder. I do think that that has something to do with the ball going farther at night. So I do like over three-and-a-half field goals in the Sunday night game.

NFL teams absolutely tank, they just do it by playing worse players

Hell yes, there's tanking in football. It's just subtle. The players on the field aren't trying to lose, but someone high up in the organization makes sure the worst players are on the field. 'We want to evaluate the backup quarterback... and if they play like crap, good.'

Dwayne Haskins was benched because he wasn't responding to coaching, not just performance

The bigger issue for Dwayne Haskins is simply was he responding to the coaching... it's about doing what the coaches are asking you to do and having some accountability... I'm hearing Dwayne Haskins was not able to respond to the coaching... at some point they're like, I don't know if this guy's ever going to 'get it'.

I accidentally put a down payment on a hedgehog while drunk

I accidentally put a down payment on a hedgehog... Basically I got drunk last Sunday. I was like fuck it, I'm gonna buy a hedgehog. Yep. Then I woke up the next day and I was like, wait a second... It was $75 down payment and a hedgehog's about $250 on top of that.

An NFL player has definitely already played a game while COVID-positive this year

I guarantee that there has been an NFL player that has played a game this year with coronavirus and it might be on the Titans. The NFL's plan was let's just keep it all hush-hush until a team has an outbreak... I'm pretty sure that you can test negative the day of a game and then start becoming contagious later that day.

Russell Wilson's controversial lateral was physically legitimate in the reference frame of the runners

In the reference frame of the quarterback and the running back, it was a legitimate lateral. From the reference frame of the grid, the ball moved forward. But you're penalizing players for running fast. I think as long as Russell Wilson stayed ahead of the other runner while he threw it, the spirit of a lateral is being preserved.

Bill de Blasio changed his name to sound Italian so he could win in New York

He changed his name to sound Italian so he'd win in New York. He was born Warren Wilhelm... He changed his name to Warren de Blasio Wilhelm in 1983 and finally to Bill de Blasio to honor his maternal family, bullshit.

Costco's co-founder threatened to kill the CEO to keep the hot dog price at $1.50

The Costco co-founder... got mad at the CEO of Costco said, 'Hey, we're losing money on our dollar fifty hot dog deal. I think you got change it up' and the co-founder of Costco's like 'If you change that deal, I'll kill you.'

Many are questioning the validity of Bryson DeChambeau's US Open win because Brooks Koepka was injured

Bryson DeChambeau... emerge victorious to win his first ever major. Many are questioning the validity of this win as two-time US Open Champion Brooks Koepka did not participate due to injury.

The Bengals have officially found their franchise quarterback in Joe Burrow

the Bengals confirmed have their guy. Which is the greatest feeling in all of football when you can say to yourself, we've got our guy Joe [Burrow]. Jobber looks awesome out here.

You only need 20 minutes of great comedy material to become a star in Los Angeles

Jay Leno said many years ago to me, all you need is 20 minutes to become a star in LA. Everybody says how much time you got, everybody says I got two hours. Who wants to listen to two hours of comedy material? If you have 20 minutes and if you have five minutes that kills every time, you can be a star.

Platypuses are the only venomous mammals

Fun fact platypuses are the only mammal that are venomous... they are the only mammal that are venomous. How about that?

Kim Jong-un faked his coma to test the loyalty of his inner circle

Kim Jong-un is back from the coma... His sister has now disappeared. So I think that he did a little switch to make sure to see who's loyal to him.

A unified Yugoslavian Olympic basketball team would be one of the best in the world

Doncic, Bogdanovic, Bojan Bogdanovic, Jokic, Vucevic, Dragic... If Yugoslavia remained today, their Olympic team national team would actually be pretty good.

90% of all koalas have chlamydia

Billy's fun facts: 90% of koalas have chlamydia. Anyway, like people who handle koalas at zoos sometimes catch chlamydia.

Sir Yacht's reporting on the Big Ten is completely fabricated

Sir Yacht is a choose-your-own-adventure source. He's wrong all the time, a hundred percent of the time. He pretty much makes it up. But if you want to live in a fantasy land like I do, listen to Sir Yacht and ignorance is bliss in this respect. I do love the fact that like twice a week the Big Ten comes back.