Takes

Liking chick flicks from the 2000s is inherently wrong for men

Liking chick flicks is wrong. They're gay. Yeah.

Big game hunting and winter survival should be added as Winter Olympic sports

I do agree with big game hunting [as an Olympic sport], that would rock dudes. It's like you go out in the wilderness and then you just have to weigh like, how much bear did you come back with? The Olympic sport of just watching dudes in the middle of the woods who can start a fire faster. I'd watch that.

I would rather have the Eagles lose in the first round than miss the playoffs

I want to get a first round blowout so that next year could be Super Bowl... Preferably by the Bucs, but I don't think it is possible to play the Bucs in the first round.

Body wash doesn't work under your armpits

My take was that it's bullshit. That body wash doesn't work under your armpits. If you use body wash on your armpits and you don't use deodorant, your armpits still smell like an hour later.

Rory McIlroy will get a performance boost from his recent divorce filing

Rory McElroy divorce bump... Scotty Scheffler baby bump. Rory McElroy divorce. Divorce bump... I think it might be Rory divorce bump.

Putting on deodorant before going to the gym is a sign that you are cheating on your partner

It's actually, if he were to put on deodorant before going to a gym... that would be a sign he's cheating on you. Be like, why are you putting on deodorant before you're going to get sweaty?

The pull-out method is the best and most effective birth control

This is why the pull-out method's just, it's the best. So much more effective. It's the best. Yeah. Works a hundred percent. You know where the semen's going? Yeah. Never have a problem pulling out.

A man who wears a bathing suit in a jetted bathtub is doing so to prevent himself from trying to fuck the jets

He definitely fucked the jets once and then realized he could never do it again. So he just wears the suit to make sure he doesn't do it. ... He's scared of himself. He definitely fucked the jets once and then realized he could never do it again. So he just wears the suit to make sure he doesn't do it.

I looked at the evidence and it might have been a DeMar Hamlin body double at the Bills game

I don't think he's dead. But [it] was very snowy. That shot conveniently... why was he wearing goggles? He had a sheisty... I'm just saying like it was just, there was just like, I looked at the evidence. I'm just raising it so we could have the conversation.

You should kiss your boss to avoid work talk on the golf course

Just try to kiss him in the middle of your round and be like, I always get horny when I play golf. And then he'll never invite you something about the holes. Either and if, and if they don't give it to you lean in for a kiss and then if they kiss, you just say sexual harassment or 50% raise, ask for the kiss.

A twenty-four pack of beer is the appropriate amount for a beach day because it helps regulate your body temperature.

Twenty-four is a pretty good number because you're hot out there... regulating your body temperature. You could actually put yourself in danger if you don't drink enough.

Watching sports all weekend on the couch is as physically and mentally taxing as completing an Ironman

I would put up a guy sitting on a couch and watching an entire slate of college football on Saturday and an entire slate of NFL football on Sunday... I would put that up there with the Iron Man. I really would. Obviously not physically as taxing, but mentally far more taxing.

Camo Crocs are sick and making a comeback

Camo Crocs are sick. Crocs might be making a comeback.

Guys who work out too much are almost always bad at sports

Guys who work out too much suck at sports. ... Muscle-bound, mostly true. ... He says that guys who are jacked are bad at sports and that's the reason they work out. Is there any truth to this? Yes. Yeah. Well guys we work out too much suck at sports. [They] can't shoot the basketball.

It is 'kind of hot' to be physically outmatched and 'worked' by your girlfriend in a wrestling match

I beat [my boyfriend] wrestling... can I keep dating him knowing that I alpha'd him? [Big Cat]: He's your sex life now. I'll say it, that's kind of hot. You just get fucking worked by your girlfriend... it was hot when there was a second where I was like, 'Am I going to lose this?'

Christian Yelich is not a true home run hitter because he's too skinny

Yellich sucks. He's not good enough to win a home run derby. I still, even a year later, even though he's, like, got 31 home runs or whatever. He doesn't have a home run swing. No, he does not. He's too skinny.

If your man hasn't gotten in a fight over you in the last six weeks, he's probably gotten another girl pregnant.

If your man hasn't gotten in a fight over you in the last six weeks, he's probably gotten another girl pregnant.

Nursing school graduation is a second-tier event that doesn't require a video recording

Should I be mad at my boyfriend for not videoing me walk across the stage at my nursing school graduation? No. Nursing school, that means it's probably your second graduation, right? So you probably already had a degree. Maybe if you were a doctor [it would matter].

Men who buy cats are betas who want to be dominated by an animal

You're dealing with a cat guy here. Cat guys are not alphas. Not an expert negotiator. He basically got a cat because he's such a beta that he wants an animal that will dominate him... If you get a cat as a male in the United States past the age of 10 years old because you want it, you should not be allowed to date one of our American women. Go to France.

Tits are officially making a comeback in 2019

This is going to be the year where tits make a comeback too. That's right. Yep. It's no longer ass season. Asses have had their little time here. People have been all about the ass.

It is healthy for your dog to watch you having sex because it reinforces that you are the alpha of the household

I actually think it's healthy for your dog to see you humping because it reinforces that you're an alpha. And if they see you having sex, they're like, I need to respect this person more. That's just how the animal kingdom works.

Men primarily grow beards to hide a less attractive face

What is the big deal about guys and beards? Unnecessarily, they're just trying to cover up a less attractive face... Guys, what are you trying to hide?

Smelling your own farts is a valid form of medical self-care

When I'm smelling my fart, I'm actually... I am going to the doctor. Because, like, you know. You know when you're sick or something's not right. You can tell, basically, by your fart. So, if you care about self-care... you just let me smell my own farts.

Pooping with the door open is an alpha move

I love pooping with the door open. That's a real man thing. Because you have a master of your domain kind of thing. I'm watching over everything while I take a shit.

Men are the persecuted gender because male animals have to bear the burden of looking attractive in nature

Add up all the animals in the world, and we actually are the persecuted animals. Yes. We're the persecuted gender. The male.

Farting is exclusively a male activity and women are not allowed to participate in 'fart culture'

That's not funny. It's not funny. It's kind of like some words some people can use, some words other people can't use... that's kind of what farts are like. That's not your word. We're allowed to fart. We're guys. We come from fart culture. You can't use it. It's ours. We own farts.

Road trip snacks like beef jerky and Mountain Dew are superior aphrodisiacs to oysters

Road trip food is the natural aphrodisiac. Get oysters the hell out of here. Give me like that weird salted trail [mix], maybe some Twizzlers, Slim Jims. ... If I smell, when [a woman] walks to the door with a cracker crust peanut butter combo on her breath, I know it's on.

Eating more fiber can fix irregularities with a woman's period

I think you just probably need to eat more fiber. That usually is what fixes those kind of things. It gets the whole system flowing... fiber is not only good for the digestion system, it's also good for the period blood system.

The moon controls both the oceans and human periods

The moon controls all the earth's oceans and periods so it's just kind of it just controls all the liquids in everyone's bodies that's why sometimes when guys look at the moon they start coming. It's just gravity pulling it out of her balls.

Pregnancy is controlled by a woman's mind and Plan B is usually a placebo

Plan B, to my understanding, is actually more often than not a placebo... it tricks the woman's body into thinking that actually she's not pregnant because pregnancy is controlled ultimately by your mind. Only mentally weak women will get pregnant.

Guys need big pubic bushes to make their dicks look bigger

Evolutionarily speaking, guys needed big bushes to make their dicks look bigger... Right. I don't know if you've seen a lot of penises recently, but they're not great looking solo. So you need a lot of distractions.

In every pair of twins, there is an alpha and a beta pre-cum twin

You know how when you see twins and you're like, okay, that's the pre-cum twin and that's the real cum twin. You can tell. There's one twin that's always a little bit stronger, better looking, more gregarious. The other one's the pre-cum twin.

Rihanna's weight is the business of sports bloggers because she is part of their 'ecosystem' of content

Nowadays, the new hunting for guys is sitting behind computers and blogging about stuff... If you want us to take Rihanna's picture out of the ecosystem that's basically like committing a mass extinction on all the buffalo in the plains. Now we can't go out there and provide for our families. I think the real story here is about the plight of the sports bloggers.

Pregnancy is technically a performance enhancing drug for athletes

Serena Williams how she got pregnant and how being pregnant is technically a performance enhancing drug because she has more blood in her system because she's not on the dot anymore and since she has more blood she's got more red blood cells which means she's circulating oxygen at a higher rate.

Being pregnant is technically a performance enhancing drug for female athletes due to blood retention and the 'glow'

Also, when chicks don't have their period, they retain more blood. This is a fact. That was blood doping... they have more blood in their body, which carries the oxygen to their cells faster... technically, being pregnant is a PED.