Takes

The Washington Redskins locker room is less safe than a WWI trench

You'd have better luck getting injured at the bottom of a trench in World War One than in that Redskins locker room right now with all the shit that's like creeping around.

Clay Matthews might be over the hill because of his slow reaction time

I think Clay Matthews might be over the hill because his reaction time was really bad. It was pretty slow. Really slow. This was a softball... You should be able to get your glove up.

Kevin Love is faking his broken hand just like he faked his mysterious flu

I think Kevin Love is actually better at defense with a broken hand. Why do you have to sit out with a broken hand?... He essentially has the flu for his hand right now, and he's milking it. Yeah, I'd say that you're just hurt.

A groggy Aaron Rodgers post-surgery would be a better quarterback than Brett Hundley

I honestly do believe that Aaron Rodgers, still groggy from surgery, would be a better option at quarterback than Brett Hundley. [Hundley] was so bad. [The Packers] look like a shell of themselves.

Coach K uses surgery as an excuse to take a break when his team is struggling

Coach K. He just gets a surgery every fucking day. ... Usually when his team's like, oh, maybe the number one recruiting class isn't so good. ... he's had every part operated on, so he doesn't really have any other excuses.

Getting a nipple ring is a clear signal that a man wants to get down and do weird stuff

I think he's actually happy this happened so that he could tweet it out, I lost my nipple ring during practice, because that's basically saying, hey, ladies, I fuck, and I do weird shit. A dude doesn't get a nipple ring unless he wants to get down.

Pitchers must bean the next batter after giving up three or four consecutive home runs to show they have pride

I put that on the Brewers pitching staff because if you give up four home runs in a row and you don't bean the next guy up, that's a real problem. That means that you don't have pride in your craft. After three batters in a row, you've got to hit the next guy in the head.

Tom Brady is revealing he has concussions as a way to avoid sex with Gisele

Or it could be Tom Brady just revealing that he uses the headache excuse to get out of having sex with Gisele. She's like, no, we never have sex anymore, so he always has head hurt.

Turf toe is the worst injury you can ever have

I'll say this turf toe is the worst injury you can ever have in your life.

Any lower-body injury for a person over 251 pounds is life-threatening

If you weigh more than 251 pounds, any injury that you have below your waist is a severe issue. It's life-threatening.

The Chicago Bulls should give everyone on the team a contract extension because they were up 2-0 against the Celtics

I say stay the course. Maybe a contract extension. Give everybody an extension. They were going to beat the No. 1 seed.

Tony Romo is the biggest sucker alive for believing Jerry Jones would be loyal to him.

Is Tony Romo the last person in the world to realize this was what was going to happen? He's like a high schooler in this situation. He actually thought that Jerry Jones was going to be like, hey, Tony, don't worry. We'll take care of you, man. We're not going to do what's in the best interest of the Dallas Cowboys.

Kevin Durant is a front-running coward and a baby back bitch

Kevin Durant, pros. He's probably top three NBA player, probably best scorer, pure scorer in the NBA. Cons, skinny knees, slouches, and is a coward, front-running coward, and a baby back bitch.

Coach K took a leave of absence just to create 'adversity' as an excuse for Duke potentially failing

I figured it out. Duke was the favorite to win the national title. ... Coach K just added his own little adversity, so when he ultimately fails this season and doesn't coach them to a national title, he said, well, I dealt with a lot of outside things this year.

Losing an eye is actually a performance-enhancing drug for basketball players

I'm going to go with hurt, not injured on this one. So if you lose an eye, you don't have to worry about depth perception. It's like when you're shooting a rifle, you close one eye... Losing an eye is a performance-enhancing drug.

Ben Roethlisberger doesn't know what emotions are and interprets all feelings as physical pain

Ben, he thinks that any emotion is pain. He doesn't know what emotions are, but he knows that when he feels something, he's like, that is pain, and I feel it in my deep soul... When Ben learned something new, he's like, ow, my head, it's pain. It's headache. I hurt my brain learning, but I will play through it.

Coach K isn't actually hurt because you coach with your spine, not your back

Hurt or injured, Coach K? I'd say neither. You don't coach with your back. You coach with your spine. And I know that sounds counterintuitive. It's like you coach with your spine, bro. Do you really need to have a functional back to coach? He could just lay down. Larry Bird did it.

Ryan Tannehill's ACL injury is a 'good thing' because it secures his job for two more years

I'm going to go with actually this is a good thing for him because that means that Tannehill gets another year. You can't judge him at the end of next year because it takes two years to come back from an ACL. And then the year after next, Tannehill is going to take that next step.

Dez Bryant did not actually cut his finger making soup

I have a feeling he wasn't making soup. I have a feeling he cut his finger doing something else. Are we staying woke on this one? This seems a little sus, as Hank would say.

Dak Prescott is a speedster who will redefine the quarterback position

I've done a little scouting on Dak Prescott... Athletic, mobile. He's going to redefine the quarterback position. He's a speedster. I don't know if we've ever seen an athlete like Dak Prescott back there. He's instinctive. He's not a thinker.

Tony Romo's injury is actually a good thing for the Cowboys

I actually think that this is a good thing for the Cowboys. I do too. Because God bless him, Tony Romo... I don't know if there's been a quarterback that's gone from utter laughing stock... you want a guy who's lucky to be your quarterback more than anything.

Tom Brady is injury-prone because he spent 12 years on the injury report

Is Tom Brady injury-prone? That's what it sounds like to me. It sounds like he's a China doll. Yeah, been on the injury report more than any other player. Got bit by the injury bug.

Cyborg Santos is only 'hurt' despite a fractured skull because Russell Westbrook played with a similar injury

So hurt or injured. I'm saying hurt. simply because Russell Westbrook had this same injury. He dented his face, and I think he scored like a billion points after that.

Portugal was a better soccer team without Cristiano Ronaldo in the Euro 2016 Final

I'm going to go with hurt because he actually made the team better. I think the question has to be asked now, like, was Cristiano Ronaldo actually holding Portugal back? So better team without him. Kind of like the whole Steph Curry situation where the boys, the lads on the pitch just really opened up the game and the spacing was better.

America should join the EU as a senior prank by Barack Obama

This would be a boss move. If on his last day in office, Barack Obama just said, like, hey, guess what? USA, we just joined the EU... Spot opened up, we're in the EU.

Human evolution is not real because our testicles aren't protected by a rib cage

I think this really proves, though, is that evolution is not real. Because if you think about it, if evolution was real, like the most sensitive part of the male body, what is it doing just like hanging out there in the open? It should be like horses. It should be like inside. There should be a rib cage around your balls protecting you. A ball shield.

Horse racing is actually the most humane and best possible life for a horse

If these horses weren't racing, they would be obese and they would die much earlier of heart conditions and things like that. Or they'd be wild. They'd fight each other and kill each other. So horse racing is probably the best thing for a horse's life. [It is] most humane.

You can pitch for two weeks on a torn ACL

I feel like you could pitch for, like, at least two weeks on a torn ACL... Philip Rivers played a playoff game. People forget that a lot of times. He had a torn ACL... So, like, you're a pitcher. I feel like you should be able to pitch.

J.J. Watt's illness is only a hurt — having the flu is an advantage

If you're sick enough to tell your coach that you can't play, in my book, then you're healthy enough to get out there, strap it up, and play. In fact, I'd say having the flu would technically be an advantage. If I'm a coach, I tell my running back, I say, son, you get that ball, you grab onto it, you cough directly onto the ball every time and let the defense see you cough. That way, if you fumble it, they're going to be a little freaked out and they're not going to want to recover it straight up.

Kids should preemptively tear their ACLs like a Tommy John procedure

If a running back was born without two knee ligaments, then they wouldn't have had their entire life to become over-reliant on their knee ligaments, and they'd actually be fine. So what I'm advocating is almost like a Tommy John type deal. It's an operation for the young kids. You preemptively tear both your ACLs, and so then that way they have more time to unlearn the bad habits that you get from playing on healthy knees before you become a pro.