Takes

Get in shape before age 30 or you'll be stuck in that shape forever

Getting back, getting in good shape before 30, because once you hit 30, you're in that same shape forever. I'm like a fucking walking poster child that I haven't been able to get back in shape in five years.

A King Cobra bite would kill an adult male African buffalo

One half of a king cobra bite would kill an adult male African buffalo. ... The fucking African buffalo cannot ... I'm actually looking it up right now. I just Googled it.

Learn how to dunk before you turn 30, because you won't be able to after

Learn how to dunk. Like, you're not going to be able to dunk when you're over 30. Because, I mean, if I had tried to dunk, I never tried to dunk under 30. So I don't even know if I could have dunked. I probably could have. Now it's too late.

Swallowing gum is completely normal and no different than eating candy

I'm trying to educate the world that it's not, you can swallow [gum]. It's the same thing as candy. It's the same thing as a Tootsie Roll. It's the same thing as a piece of licorice. Once the flavor goes away, you swallow it.

DNA is just the human body's way of cloning itself

It's [DNA] a human body's way of just cloning itself. [On genes being passed down]

Mutts have stronger genes than purebred dogs because they possess the best traits of all other breeds

Mutts get no respect. Come on. Here's a fun fact about mutts. Their genes are so much stronger because they've got all the best traits of all the other dogs, so they don't ever get sick.

Koalas mostly have chlamydia and can transmit it through their urine

You know that koalas have chlamydia? Most of them have chlamydia, and if they pee on you, they'll give you chlamydia.

Mormon soaking is a real practice where couples stay still to avoid technically having sex

The soak is you're not allowed to have sex before you get married... You are allowed to soak. What does that mean? You just put it in. Don't move. Just lay there. You soak it. Just put it in... with no friction.

Steam rooms have been proven to boost your natural human growth hormone

Steam rooms have been proven to boost your natural human growth hormone. It just helps your body repair itself. Anything that shocks your central nervous system causes your body to change.

The 2017 solar eclipse is a shadow designed by scientists to get us excited about space

I think it's something that's designed by scientists to get us excited about space, but it's actually pretty lame. Well, you know what an eclipse is? It's a fucking shadow.

Irish War Cry is the logical favorite to beat in the Belmont Stakes

If [Irish War Cry] runs his best race, he's a daylight winner. You can't say that about any of the other horses in the race. So even though he's the favorite, I think he's the horse to beat.

Drinking massive amounts of milk built strong bones and made me taller than the rest of my family.

I literally was able to drink as much milk as I could hold. ... The proof being that nobody in my family is over six foot. My brother, John, and my dad... are right at six foot. I got to six three. ... Milk builds strong bones. ... It does do a body good.

Employers have much more legal leeway if they don't pay their interns

If they're not getting paid, all right, and they're not employees, right? Well, you better stop [paying them] right away... you have a lot more leeway if you're not paying them.

I am currently on a hot streak of fixing things around the house

For 42 and a half of those years, I couldn't fix anything. But all of a sudden, in the last year or so, I got hot. I was touching things, and instead of breaking them, I was fixing them. And I even amazed myself.

White people are technically 'people of colors' because white is a combination of all colors

White is a combination of all the colors. So we are people of colors. We're people of colors. Why y'all always got to have advantages? More privilege. There you go. You got colors.

Adam Morrison has an apocalypse bunker and is fully equipped for the end of the world

The guy is fully equipped if there was an apocalypse. He's got food stashed in the way, everything. So he could survive anything. He's got guns... He's got a bunker, everything. He's a pro.

Society needs to invent dual-temperature comfort zones for living rooms and beds

How has human society not reached the point where we have like dual comfort zones for living rooms? We have them in cars. Would it kill you to put one like in a bed? Like have one side of the bed set to a certain temperature, the other at a different?

Barack Obama will admit that aliens exist before he leaves office in 2016

In 2016, as we switch presidents, the current president is going to admit that there are aliens out there which will probably spurn a world government because we'll all have to get together and be like, it's bigger than just us.

You don't actually have to pay campus parking tickets if you don't plan on graduating from that college

I know one thing about colleges and tickets on cars... You don't have to pay those tickets. It doesn't matter. If you don't plan on graduating from that college, you don't have to pay.

Apple purposefully sabotages old iPhones to force consumers to upgrade

Once Apple starts coming out with the new phones, they make the old phones break by playing Beach Boys, doing all these kinds of things. It's brilliant, but it's total disregard for the consumers.

Buying a Pardon My Take shirt makes you a part-owner of Larry the Goldfish

If you buy a Pardon My Take shirt, you are an owner of Larry [the Goldfish] like the Green Bay Packers, except you actually own something, not fake own it.

No one on the West Coast cares about lacrosse

No one on the West Coast is lacrosse. Play lacrosse, that's about it... They're never going to.

Drinking a mix of Pedialyte and vodka all night prevents hangovers

If you want to not have a hangover, here's what you do. You take Pedialyte and then you mix it with vodka or rum and then you just drink that all night so you don't get hungover to begin with. That's a pro's move.

Marlins Man Is Not A Man, A Fan, Or A Veteran

You not a man, a fan or a veteran. So fight me bitch, or let it be.

Forty percent of women experience male pattern baldness

Hey, but also, small spoiler, 40% of women experience it... male pattern baldness.

Wins are like eggs inside of a woman; once you use too many of them, they're gone

I always like to say that wins are like eggs inside of a woman. And once you use too many of them, they're gone and you can't get fertility treatments. Like push-ups, ovums, that type of thing.

Viagra creates 'robotic' boners that feel like a lead pipe in your pants

I've heard they're robotic boners. I hear you have a lead pipe in your pants. I'm curious to see if it's something that happens.

Every single person in the state of Indiana takes Carb Day off to drink all day

Friday is Carb Day, which... they described to me. They said every single person in the state of Indiana takes a day off and comes and drinks all day.

I am on a hot streak of fixing things around the house

In the last year or so, I got hot. I was touching things, and instead of breaking them, I was fixing them... I've even amazed myself. And you know what the key to it is? It's like anything else. When you get a little more confident, I'm willing to take a chance that I won't break what I'm trying to fix.

I have become a whiz at the computer recently

I've become a wizard at the computer. I really have. I turn it on. I can shut it off. I did something because I'm up at five o'clock in the morning and I bet neither one of you would realize that I have Wi-Fi in this condo.