Takes

Falling asleep on strangers during transit is a power move

Falling asleep on strangers is absolutely a power move. Big transit sleeper, yep.

Winking at men is a high-level power move

And then finally, winking at men. Yeah, winking's good. It's like winking when you introduce yourself to somebody. That's a sweet move.

An unwritten rule of the 'bro code' is that you break it to save your own ass

That's an unwritten rule of bro code is that you break bro code to save your own ass.

Men should not wear shorts; we should bring back the rule that shorts are only for little boys

It turns out that in like the 19th century, shorts were only for little boys. And then when you became a man, you got your long trousers. I think they should bring that back. Your big boy pants.

Banana boating over alligator-infested waters is not fun

[The St. John's River] is just infested with alligators. So we would literally be banana boating over alligators... [When we fell out] it was just like whoever was driving the boat was just like a frantic U-turn to come and pick us up. That doesn't sound like fun.

The US Olympic swimming trials are more stressful than the actual Olympics

It's really challenging to get on that U.S. team. The Olympic trials is, I would say – more stressful than the Olympics. Uh, so just, just to get on the team, um, was a relief.

You shouldn't wash your apples before eating them because the dirt is the best part.

[Big Cat: Do you wash your apples?] Absolutely not. Neither do I. The dirt is definitely the best part of the apple. It's Monsanto. You wipe all the Monsanto off the apple when you wash it. And that's where all the flavor comes.

If you give a gorilla enough time, they will cradle and protect a human baby.

20 year anniversary for the Brookfield Zoo, a small toddler fell into the zoo and the gorilla Binti Jua saved the toddler's life, nursed it, cuddled it, made sure that it was safe. So basically, if you give a gorilla enough time, they'll probably cradle a baby and make sure they're safe. Just saying. We're winking right now very hard.

ChapStick is a myth that creates its own dependency

I think ChapStick's a myth, too. Like, I don't believe in ChapStick. I've never put on ChapStick one time in my life, and I've never thought I needed ChapStick. But once you start using it, then your mind tells you, I need more ChapStick.

A man should only cry after losing his virginity or winning an Olympic medal

I always love it when our Olympians have a good cry... I would say that and maybe after you lose your virginity is the only acceptable time where a man can cry.

Any adult male with no wife or kids who is a 'gymnastics enthusiast' is a 'pre-crime' suspect

I feel like there's just always like a few creepy dudes hanging around the gymnast. If you're a gymnastics enthusiast and that's where the line stops, like you have no personal connection to the sport, you just really like it. Maybe just watch on TV. No wife, no kids. But you do love your women's gymnastics. That's what we call a little pre-crime.

Tim Tebow is like a six-year-old because he hasn't sucked enough at any job to rule it out as a possibility

[Tebow] is basically like a six-year-old. He's just like, I want to be a professional football player... I want to be a baseball player. And he's going to get the chance to do that. So it's like when you're six years old... you can say like an astronaut because you haven't proved that you're incompetent at anything. The best thing that you can say about Tim Tebow is that he doesn't suck enough at anything where any job is really out of the remote possibility for him.

You can't spend more than 12 hours in Canton without getting legally drunk

I mean you can't spend more than 12 hours in Canton without getting legally drunk. I was there last year. It is – it's one of the worst times.

The planet would be better off without mosquitoes

Number one, mosquitoes. I don't know what part of the ecosystem mosquitoes fits into, but you can't convince me that the planet wouldn't be better without mosquitoes.

Anyone who owns a ferret is probably a murderer

Ferrets. Because anyone who owns a ferret is probably a murderer, and that's just like pre-crime. We basically created pre-crime by getting rid of ferrets.

Grackles are the world's shittiest bird

I'd like to add grackles to the list. They're the world's shittiest bird. They're ten times worse than any sort of bird out there.

Vaccinations are great and people who dispute them are idiots

They're great. People who dispute them are idiots. And more people should be vaccinated for more things. I feel horrible that people mouth off about this stuff without knowing the facts.

If you ask someone if something is good or bad and they say 'it's complicated,' that means it sucks

If I ask you if something's good or bad and you say it's complicated, that means it sucks. Fine, fair enough.

You should give homeless people gift cards instead of cash or food

Here's what you do next time. Get them a gift card. Problem solved... $5 gift card.

You should never bring up anything you thought was funny online while on a date

As a general rule of thumb, you don't ever want to bring up anything that you thought was funny online on a date.

Witches are more real than the ghosts in scary movies

Witches. Big time fear... They're more real than [Hank's] scary movies.

The Olympic athletes freezing their sperm due to Zika aren't getting any action anyway

People are blowing [Zika] way out of proportion. I mean, the guys that are freezing their sperm are definitely not getting any action, you know?

Cleveland is a downgrade for anyone living in Milwaukee

You can't just take a downgrade to Cleveland like that [from Milwaukee]. You've got to know if you're in Milwaukee, that's a city of champions.

If you do anything in life, be completely average at it to avoid public scrutiny

The moral of your story right there is if you do anything in life, just make sure you're completely average at it. Because the minute you draw attention to yourself one way or the other, that's when people start saying your nickname happens to be a little racist.

I will not let a friend use my phone charger unless my own battery is at least 70%

I'm a hog. I'm a charge hog. I'm kind of an asshole. [I have to be at] 70% [to let someone else use it].

Asking a friend to get something on Barstool is the worst favor you can ask

Can you get this on Barstool? The worst. People know I haven't talked to in years will text me a little blue like, yo, put this on Barstool.

Being asked to be a Maid of Honor is a rough favor to fulfill

Will you be my maid of honor? Like that's such a – that is a rough ask. If you're a maid of honor, you've got to plan out the entire bachelor party. You've got to plan out the wedding shower. You've got to plan out... basic bitch t-shirts.

An airport pickup or drop-off is a brutal favor

Airport pickup or drop-off. Brutal. Also, a cousin of that, can you take me to the hospital? worst.

Commando week is bad because of the drips

Commando week was, whoa, that was bad, dude. Yeah, because there's nothing to stop the drips. And it's the drip sweat that comes off your butt, butthole, taint area that really causes the stink. The underwear keeps that real tight.

God from the Old Testament is a top-tier bad guy

So I'll segue right from there into my number three which is God, God from the Old Testament. Kind of a bad guy. Threw a lot of stuff at people. People forget that. That God was kind of a hard ass.

Jumping off a bridge into water is the best hangover cure

First one, jumping off a bridge. Like jumping off a bridge into water. You get an adrenaline rush, and then you get the water, and then once you're in the ocean, then you're unhungover.

A 'Hollywood executive workout' (steam, sauna, hot tub) is the best way to cure a hangover

My last one is the good old-fashioned Hollywood slash executive workout. Little steam, sauna, hot tub, shower, nothing better. That's my favorite type of workout.

Any twins who share a Twitter account have definitely kissed each other on the lips

Now, you know my theory that all twins at some point have kissed each other on the lips, like not in a brother-brother, sister-sister way. If you share a Twitter account, I think it's basically decided that that has happened, correct?

Synergy is the best filler word for office life and will lead to promotions

When you're in the office, use synergy as a filler word. You'll probably get promoted four times before Christmas.

It is okay to be late for office cake because everyone is always on a diet

It's OK to be late for the cake because everyone in an office is always on a diet. So when the cake comes out, everyone just wants a small sliver. Just want a little sliver. No, even smaller than that... There'll be 20 people eating a cake. And you'll come out. Everyone will have a slice. And there'll still be half a cake left. And you can just do whatever you want.

Never say 'I didn't know' in an office; instead use 'my understanding was' to lie or look better

If you ever need to lie about something or you need to just say, oh, I didn't know about that, never say, I didn't know. It makes you look bad in the office. You always say, oh, my understanding was we didn't have to work the day after the 4th of July. It also works on basically calling someone a dumb fuck. Like, oh, my understanding of this situation was this. Like basically, hey, listen, you're so stupid you didn't realize what was going on.

Never spend more than $50 on sunglasses if you are under 30

Little tip for everyone out there... If you're under 30 years old, never, ever, ever buy a pair of sunglasses that are more than $50. That's on you, okay? $50. I don't buy a pair unless it's under $15.

The Olympics should stop providing condoms to encourage the breeding of a super race

I think that there should actually be no condoms inside the Olympic Village. These are... the top true of the top one percent genetically. It should be like a rabbit farm in there. We should be forcing them to breed with each other. No condoms.

Death is the 'dirtiest player of the year' and an old school goon you want on your team

Dirtiest player of the year. That one we're going to give to death. And it's not really that close of a race either. I mean, death is the kind of player that you hate to see on the other side, but you really like it when a guy like that's on your team. You want death to put on the same uniform that you have on. Death, you know, he's just an old school goon.

Lady Luck Smiled Down On The Viet Cong When Marlins Man Missed Vietnam

I was one year late for Vietnam. Lady Luck smiled down on the Viet Cong.

Ask Brady, Marino, Wade, And LeBron About Me And Your Mom

So call Brady, Marino, Wade and LeBron. And ask 'em 'bout me and your mom.

The 'Car Stick' is a necessary invention for everyone who drops items between car seats

Simple, simple invention. Everyone needs it. Just a little skinny stick that you can, like, it, like, would go stick up from the side of your car. And when shit gets stuck in between your seats, just grab the stick and it fishes it right out of there.

The week of the MLB All-Star Break is the worst week in sports

We are in the middle of July. We're in the dog days... this is the worst week in sports. It's so bad that Derek Jeter's got bored enough to go and get married.

Women love bad boys and cigarette smokers

Number two [things chicks dig] bad boys... if you can maybe have a little mean streak to you. Chicks dig cigarette smokers slash heavy cologne users. They'll tell their friends, 'ew, he smokes,' then they'll be like, 'ooh, bad boy.'

Women love it when men tell them what to like and order for them at restaurants

Chicks love it when guys tell them what they like. Or order for them at a restaurant. It's just like whenever you're like, 'hey, this is actually you don't like that. You like what I like.' It just shows that you're not afraid to take charge.

Any roster move with an 'I'm Coming Home' video makes me ready to run through a brick wall

Any roster move that's ever been made, if you put I'm coming home and you do a little 30-second video on the internet, I'm ready to run through a brick wall.

Peeing in the pool is the most natural thing in the world

My final favorite Mount Rushmore pool activity. This is my number one, actually, peeing in the pool. I've never been in a pool that I haven't peed in. So that's just it's I will sometimes pass going to the bathroom in a bathroom just so I can pee in the pool.

Napping in the sun is a top-tier pool activity

Number three taking a nap. Oh yeah, yeah. Falling asleep in the sun. ... I'm going to just get a big sunburn and let it turn into a tan. ... I'm all natural.

I would have 'Pete Rose'd' the hot dog contest and thrown it if I could have bet on my own under in Las Vegas

I actually made some texts. I was hoping that somehow it ended up on a real sports book in Vegas. We could have put some real money down, and I would have Pete Rose the hell out of that tournament. But alas, you could only win about like 200 bucks on prop bets. So I had to give it my all.

There is no point in having children in 2016 unless you can get retweets out of them

There's no reason to have kids in 2016 unless you can get some retweets out of them. Kids, when you get down to it, if they're not making content for you, like why did you even have sex? ... If you have a child that's not cute enough to cry on camera for retweets, what's even the point of having the kid?