Takes

Zack Hample shouldn't cry about my 'war' against him because Hiroshima wouldn't have happened without Pearl Harbor

When you don't like my Hiroshima you, remember you started the war. That's a Harry Truman quote, I think. Hiroshima would have never happened if you didn't do Pearl Harbor. Remember that when you're crying about my war.

Big Cat should become a vegan as a PR move to become the 'Subway Jared' of PETA

I think Big Cat needs to become vegan. You need to say, 'You know that whole throwing blood on me and talking shit to me thing? It worked. I'm a vegan now.' Good job. ... You would be the Subway Jared of PETA. You would be their biggest success story and nothing bad could ever come from that.

Choking to death on a hot dog during a competition would be a hilarious way to die

I actually am OK if I die because I think that would be a hilarious way for me to die. You know what? God, take me, choke a hot dog down my throat, whatever.

Big Cat's best hot dog strategy is to eat 6-7 dogs immediately to secure a legendary screen cap

You need to get out to a hot start, just like shovel six or seven hot dogs in your mouth at the start. And that way you've got the screen cap for the rest of your life that shows like Dan Katz, eight hot dogs, Joey Chestnut, two.

Rich people crying in business meetings is seen as passionate, while poor people crying is pathetic

That's what I love about rich guys, okay? If you're rich and you cry, it's awesome. It's like you're very, very passionate. If you're poor and you cry, that's just pathetic. Get your poor, weird tears out of here. If you're rich, that's a guy that cares about life.

Maryland should be the first state removed from the United States

If you could get rid of one state, what would it be? It would probably be Maryland. A lot of bridges, a lot of tolls, a lot of unnecessary stoplights.

The Maryland state flag is terrible and overused

The Maryland flag is also the worst, and they put it on everything. Come on. It hurts my eyes, and I'm big on uniforms. Yeah, it's not good. It's just not one of the elite states.

I would eat cooked human flesh for $10 million

[PFT asks about eating human flesh for $10 million] I could do it. I would do it in a country where it wasn't illegal... It would be like we get a scientific permit to do it.

The alpha move on a banana boat is sitting in the front

I would say that the alpha move is sitting at the front of the banana boat... if you're sitting up front, you're the guy that's having a blast. Everybody else is just dealing with your runoffs.

I refuse to call Mount McKinley by the name Denali

I have Mount McKinley. I refuse to call it Denali. Screw that. It's Mount McKinley to me.

Harambe the gorilla had no intentions of hurting the child in the enclosure

He wasn't going to hurt the child. Exactly. He had no intentions of hurting the child at all... He was playing with the child. He was helping the child out of the moat. Exactly. His intentions were not to hurt the child. That I can feel clear.

Tim Tebow bringing a flatlining man back to life is an 'abortion to death'

If you bring a guy back from death... isn't that giving an abortion to death? It's the equivalent, right? So he's an anti-abortion guy, but he's over here... Death's got a bun in the oven in the third trimester, and Tebow's got the shop vac out.

Drivers always slow down way too much even in the slightest bit of rain

You'll also notice that if there's ever even like the slightest bit of rain, everyone decides to drive super, super slow. Perfectly slow.

I am going to make pooping your pants as an adult socially acceptable

None of it comes even close to what I'm trying to accomplish when it comes to making pooping your pants as an adult not something to be ashamed of. I'm a 31-year-old man. I make mistakes just like you... If this happens to you, don't be ashamed. I'm here for you. I want to give a voice to the voiceless, the grown adults out there.

The Wikipedia author for 'Snow' was lazy for omitting God from the entry

They didn't talk about God at all in the snow entry. And it's like, why are you going to leave out the main protagonist in your writing? I thought that the author was kind of lazy in leaving that part out.

I am a negative John Thomas sign candidate

I just want you guys to know that I'm actually a negative John Thomas sign candidate... [PFT: So your penis points away from your injuries.] That's correct.

If you die during your team's championship celebration, it is not a bad way to go

Honestly, if you die during your team's championship, not the worst way to go... If you're a Clevelander and you die during the celebration of your first championship, I don't even think that's a Jimbo. I think that they're going to build a statue for you.

The Olympics should only be hosted in the United States for safety reasons

Why are we doing the Olympics in a country where this type of gun violence is rampant? Keep them in the U.S. where everything's safe, nice. People follow the law. You don't have this type of gun problems. Hey, Rio, stay classy.

Jim Harbaugh only has sex when he is trying to procreate

I also wouldn't be surprised if Jim Harbaugh's sex life is just when he's trying to procreate. Jim Harbaugh, like, he doesn't get put in the mood. He's just, like, walking around the house and spontaneously has an erection. And then he just grabs his wife and he's like, it's back again. We're having a baby again.

Mountain Time is the best time zone for sports fans, followed by Central, Pacific, and Eastern

If we're doing power rankings of time zones, I've got to say Mountain Time is number one. Everybody shows no love to Mountain Time, but it's a nice little mix of not having to start watching sports too early and not having to stay up too late. Mountain Time, Central Time, Pacific Time, then Eastern Time.

California teenagers are more intimidating than teenagers in the rest of America

I think that's a great call because I came from Wisconsin and I was, it's very intimidating... It's just nothing but good looking people... I'm always a Milwaukee guy. I swear to God, I have not forgotten who I am.

Cats are soulless animals that would watch their owners die slowly without helping

Can an animal without a soul ever be alive? ... [A cat] will just sit there and watch you die slowly. That's basically the best case scenario for owning a cat.

Sleeping in the same bed as a man isn't gay as long as you keep your suit on

I will say that no man card taken away. People forget. You could sleep with as many dudes in the bed as you want. If you keep your suit on, it's not gay.

Fat guys should not wear fedoras

Jason Whitlock, way too fat to wear a fedora. Fat guys can't wear little hats like that.

Pregnancy is not an injury for a man; it is just being 'hurt'

I'm going to say that pregnancy is not an injury. A man's wife being pregnant is not an injury to the guy. It's a hurt to the guy... Pregnancy is technically a sexually transmitted disease. I think we all remember that from middle school health class.

It is worth breaking your elbow to save your phone from falling on the ground

[Darren McFadden] got [injured] trying to grab his phone because he dropped his phone. That's worth breaking your elbow for. Anyone who's broken their phone before knows if I put in front of you elbow or phone, you're taking elbow over phone all day.

The Stanley Cup is the greatest trophy in sports and every trophy should be drinkable

Every time the Stanley Cup champion is crowned, it reminds me that it is the greatest trophy in all of sports, and it's not even close. Every single trophy you should be able to drink out of.

Concussions in youth sports are a significantly more serious national issue than horse deaths in racing

In terms of significance, I think concussions have to be first because you're talking about... the health of young people, humans... progressive brain diseases etc etc. I think that's got to be at the top of the list... let's put the horses next because it is a serious deal.

Hank is officially more famous than I am in our hometown of Scituate

I'm fully 100% aware of it. I actually love it because if a kid's going to just ride this rise to fame like he has – I respect that it's a Scituate guy.

Muhammad Ali and Michael Jordan are the two most popular athletes of all time

I would say Muhammad Ali, most popular athlete of all time. It's probably Muhammad Ali one, Michael Jordan two, and there's not really a third.

The proper way to dick punch is using the back of the hand for a whipping motion

Just a little coaching pointer for Dellavedova. Use the back of the hand. And then that way you get your elbow and your wrist in a whipping motion as opposed to just like the straight up the open face, the open handed slap.

If you don't watch a graphic sports injury after a warning, you are the biggest pussy alive

When someone says don't watch because it's too graphic, if you then don't watch, you're the biggest pussy alive... That's just basically saying this is going to be so gross you're going to want to puke, but you have to watch it.

Bullying the horse Nyquist off Twitter is a more impressive achievement than winning the Kentucky Derby

Nyquist the horse is a flash in the pan... No one's going to remember Nyquist the horse. Except for the fact that it got bullied off Twitter. That's actually more impressive than the Kentucky Derby. How many Kentucky Derby winners have there been? Like 120? How many horses have been bullied off Twitter?

Add 'ha-ha' or 'LOL' to the end of any uncomfortable message to instantly spin the situation

I've always told you... if you just throw a ha-ha or an LOL at the end of every DM or text, you can always be like... 'Oh, I'm in.' It's just, yeah, we're just joking. Just add a ha-ha on everything whenever you get in a bad situation. See if you can just laugh your way out of it.

If you are 46 years old, you shouldn't have a Twitter account

If you're 46, you shouldn't even have a Twitter account. That's number one. Number two is now you're saying that a 27-year-old [Steph Curry] is your hero.

Buffalo is the number one city in the Grit Power Rankings

I'm ranking Buffalo number one as well. Simply because of the people, they are the best. There's no one better. They were welcoming. They came to up to the bus. They were awesome.

Indianapolis is an underrated city and a great place to see a Final Four

I've always said Indianapolis is an underrated city. Great place to go see a Final Four. And special spot in our heart for the milk puke challenge we did in the middle of Indianapolis.

No one actually likes advanced analytics except for nerds

I just want to know who likes analytics. I'm not talking black, white, Asian, whatever. No one likes analytics. Nerds like analytics. Have you ever had someone walk up to you and be like, hey, man, have you looked at the recent war that each player has? No.

Buffalo is a top-tier vacation destination

I really feel like Buffalo is right up there with any of your great vacation places like Key West, your Acapulcos... Rio, all of the above. The 24 hours we spent there seems like it was the best time of my life.

Rex Ryan is still deep down a fat guy despite his weight loss

I think once you're a fat guy, you always have it in you, that you can definitely become fatter... I think he's still deep down a fat guy. [His personality] didn't change... He's still a bad guy. He's still himself.

I would crush Rex Ryan in a wrestling match because I am too big for him now

I'd crush [Rex Ryan]. I'm huge... We had some pretty good fights in the day, usually against other people. But I'd get him in a wrestling match. I'm too big for him now.

Oakland is currently the grittiest city in America

Oakland's pretty damn rough right now, so I'm going to go Oakland.

People are more lovable when they are fat, and losing weight makes the public hate you

People who are fat are better. When Seth Rogen lost weight, everybody hated him. When Jonah Hill lost weight, everybody hated him. When you eventually lose weight, [Big Cat], you're going to be public enemy number one.

Taking Viagra and going to Niagara Falls ('Viagra Falls') is a classic comedy gag

It seems like the perfect classic joke. You know, Niagara rhymes with Viagra... So we all take Viagra, we get on the boat, and then we see who the first person is to get rid of their boner without touching it, just like through the power of mental concentration and meditation... That is like a classic comedy gag right there.

Clevelanders just yuck it up, be sad, do weird shit, and puke on themselves

We're going to watch with the Clevelanders. We're going to yuck it up, be sad, do weird shit, puke on ourselves, do what Clevelanders do.

Youngstown, Ohio is likely the grittiest city in the world

Youngstown is like the grittiest city in the world, probably. Home of Boom Boom Mancini. Little known fact about Youngstown there for you.

There is no industry in Indiana important enough to keep people at work on the Friday before the Indy 500

That's like a normal Friday in Indiana, isn't it? Like what industry in Indiana that makes you come to work on Friday [of Carb Day]?

Grit has been co-opted and ruined by Harvard researchers and psychologists

I've seen over the past, like two years, the pussification of grit in America. Like grit has been co-opted by Harvard researchers, by doctors, by psychologists... It's people trying to teach grit. People who have like a silver spoon in their mouths, a doctor in front of their name, trying to tell me what it means to be gritty.

Buffalo, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, and Cincinnati are the backbones of America and the only places worth visiting on vacation

These are the places, these are the backbones of America... people will say hey when you go on vacation where do you go? Oh I go to California, I go to Florida, I go to Arizona. When we go on vacation, we go to Buffalo. We go to Cleveland. We go to Pittsburgh. We go to Cincinnati.

Never draw attention to yourself at work or people will find your secrets

In life, never draw attention to yourself because then people start digging. So like if you're at work, you never want to be the guy who does a great job... Just try to be average at all times, because the minute you do something exceptional, people start witch hunting you.