Takes

Laser tag is a children's game and it's terrible for adults

Why were you playing laser tag as an adult? Laser tag sucks. It's a children's game. I guarantee you I've played more laser tag in the last five years than any of you guys... every laser tag, the guns don't work. You hit someone and it doesn't register.

Good laser tag exists and it kicks ass

Laser tag kicks ass. There's good laser tag places, there's bad laser tag places. If we set it up right, it would be good. Laser tag done properly kicks ass.

Silver or Bronze in figure skating is more impressive than in a race

I think getting silver or bronze in figure skating is more impressive than silver or bronze in a race. Because silver and bronze in a race is like, yeah, you just weren't the fastest. Like there's only one fastest. But if someone walked in like, I got silver in the 100 meter dash, you're not the fastest. Silver in figure skating? Holy shit, that's impressive.

The best way to surprise a girl with a proposal is to do a fake one at a sports game first

The surprise is already over because you already are planning it. ... The only way he could truly surprise you is doing it at a sports game... center court at a mid-tier college basketball game. ... He does a fake proposal to you at a sports game and then he's like 'piss you off! Just kidding!'

Body wash doesn't work under your armpits

My take was that it's bullshit. That body wash doesn't work under your armpits. If you use body wash on your armpits and you don't use deodorant, your armpits still smell like an hour later.

Relationship hobbies must be established from the start because you can't add an addiction later

Before you start dating, you have to have all your hobbies set because you can't just add golf. You can add golf, but you can't add golf addict. There's a difference. There's a, you could be a golfer, but if this guy's playing seven days a week and YouTube tutorials and practicing swinging the living room, that's going to, you're gonna need to ease into that one.

I'll die on the hill that sleep talking is not evidence of cheating

Sleep talking is not evidence. I'll die on that hill. Sleep talking is not evidence. No one knows what you're saying in your sleep. No one has any like, people will just sleep talk and they have no recollection of what they were dreaming about or what they were saying.

Mouth tape leads to more restful sleep

I'm a mouth tape guy now. I do feel more rested with mouth tape. It just forces you to breathe out your nose.

Brown toilets should be more popular because they hide stains better

Say no Brown's kitchen. Every toilet's brown, brown toilets should be more popular. You hide the stains easy. He, he like, you should be like, listen honey, we'll do every toilet in this house Browns.

You cannot get mad at your partner for what appears in their Instagram algorithm

You can't get mad at technology. Right. Max, what is yours? ... I curate it like if I see if I pass by tits because you gotta click on it that way you get more tits... It's technology. The phones are smarter than we are.

Cash is the only valid Valentine's Day gift

My answer's always cash. No one has ever gotten the gift of cash and been like, 'Ew.' No. Gift card boxes you in; cash is limitless. Cash is king.

Admiring art in a museum is exactly the same as being a sports fan

Admiring art isn't that different from watching football. You spend all day, you pay like $15. You go to a big building and then you look at a screen on the wall and then that screen makes you feel emotions. A lot of times when you go to the museum, you get the headset and someone's explaining the art to you... You've got like a play-by-play guy for the art.

You should always take the deal to have all your teams win championships in one year, even if they never win again

I think you gotta take the year. Because, alright, I'm thinking about my college teams too. And I don't think that my college teams are ever gonna win a title. So I'm basically getting a guaranteed one that I would never get. Sweeping the entire board for an entire year—you just have that for the rest of your life.

The NFL season should start in late October and run through April to preserve the summer

I kind of wish football season was in a different part of the year... I find myself trying to wish away the summer, which is the best season in terms of weather... I kind of wish we had summer after football season... if football started in late October and went till April and then it's like summer.

I have completely converted to being a wipes person for bathroom hygiene

I buy them at stores 'cause I'm just like, I I've completely converted to a wipes person. ... You have to finish [with them].

Winter officially begins the day after Thanksgiving

Winner starts the day after Thanksgiving. [Big Cat: You don't think December's winter?] What? No, because you, it's festive... [PFT:] I think that Christmas is a winter holiday. It is. It's a winter wonderland. Yeah.

'Bad winter' starts on January 2nd and lasts until March Madness begins

I think winter starts the day after January 1st... Winter is like when it sucks... When I think winter, I think January 2nd to March Madness. That's like when it sucks.

Car time is for listening to podcasts, not for talking

Not for talking. Car time is for listening. When is he supposed to make these business calls in the car? On the golf course? Yeah.

Putting on deodorant before going to the gym is a sign that you are cheating on your partner

It's actually, if he were to put on deodorant before going to a gym... that would be a sign he's cheating on you. Be like, why are you putting on deodorant before you're going to get sweaty?

Going to separate weddings as a couple is the dream scenario

This is the easiest question ever. You both go to your weddings and have the best time ever without your girlfriend or boyfriend... once you start going to 'em and you get in your wedding like late twenties, early thirties... they all just blend together, this one will stick out. Might as well have some fun.

Once you break up, you no longer have the right to feel disrespected by your ex's dating life

You don't get to make those rules. You're broken up. You're broken up. You're broken up. If it was before then yeah, you could be upset. But if you're broken up, you're broken up.

Most remote workers only do about five to six hours of actual hard work per week

The working from home is like you only do half the work. You just basically fuck around all day and then... you can get your job done in like five to six hours of really hard work. That's just a fact. That's how America was built. ... You spent four hours on browsers, you played a bunch of SNES and Yeah. You just dicked around and looked at your fantasy team for 50% of the work week.

Most remote workers could finish their entire week's work on a Monday morning

If anyone figured out the fact that I could do my entire week's worth of work on a Monday morning, probably wouldn't be getting paid as much. Probably wouldn't have that job.

I never wash my hands after I piss

I never wash my hands after I piss. [Jake says he does it in public] You didn't have to tell us Jake. We knew that. ... You fell for it Jake. That's, and then you then you like eat then you go eat with those hands. Jake. No.

A man who wears a bathing suit in a jetted bathtub is doing so to prevent himself from trying to fuck the jets

He definitely fucked the jets once and then realized he could never do it again. So he just wears the suit to make sure he doesn't do it. ... He's scared of himself. He definitely fucked the jets once and then realized he could never do it again. So he just wears the suit to make sure he doesn't do it.

Pissing in the kitchen sink is a reward for doing the dishes

I would say I'm still, probably two times a week I piss in my sink. ... Kitchen? What? No, that's what I finished doing the dishes late at night. I, I actually think that this is, and then I just run the, run the water. ... It's a reward. It's a, it's whatever. I like it.

The modern day alpha male gets away with lies to feel manly

Guys, you know what, the modern day alpha male doesn't have a lot of things that we can do to make us feel manly, but getting away with lies is one of those things.

The best way to handle multiple ex-hookups trying to slide back in is to invite them all to the same birthday party

You just gotta invite 'em all and see who hangs around the longest. It's kinda like in the reunion episodes of Love is Blind when they just get everybody in a bar together and get 'em drunk. They all just start fighting and one person will eventually go home with a person.

A joint bachelor party between the groom and bride is a terrible idea

Don't do this. This is a bad idea. One side is not happy about this. Deep down they don't really want to do it. The only way this can work is if you have about a 90% clearance rate on both sides of the groomsmen and the bridesmaids being single... otherwise don't do it. It's never fun.

There is an 85% chance you will end up married to your ex if you go to a concert with them.

I've watched enough romcoms and gotten all my relationship advice from Judd app house, if you go to this concert, there's like a, I'd say 85% chance you guys get married. So that's just, what's gonna happen. You're gonna rekindle in the backdrop of a beautiful concert and boom, you're married. Maybe even have a kid.

Never name a dog after a sports figure who hasn't already secured a Hall of Fame legacy

Never name your dogs after sports figures that aren't Hall of Famers... maybe don't name him after a player unless he's been at least two or three All-Star games. That's a good little rule of thumb.

Tipping a doorman for just doing their job is a high-level power move

What a great power move is too. If you're out with friends, if you have cash on you, you can always like, you can tip someone. That's not usually tipped right in front of other people. And then they're like, wow, that's a, that's a great move. What a class act? What about city money? Yeah, exactly. Like you tip, you tip a doorman just for doing their job.

The person who wakes up earliest should sleep on the side of the bed closest to the door

The answer should always be that the person that has to wake up first in the morning, they sleep closer to the door. So you don't have to like walk around the other person.

You are not allowed to switch which side of the bed you sleep on unless you move to a new house

I also think you can't switch until you move. Like you can't switch in the house that you've been sleeping. If you have a side that you've been sleeping on, the opportunity to switch is when you move, correct. You cannot switch like just one day switch. That's crazy.

You should never order the most expensive steak on the menu when someone else is treating you to dinner

If you go out to dinner... my rule is you go one level beneath what her dad would [order]... Third or fourth most expensive steak is where you have to [be]. There's just always that feel. You have to judge who you're with. If you're out with someone who maybe can't afford a super expensive steak, just don't be that guy.

You cannot pair a stone-cold sober person with a heavy stoner in a relationship

You can't have somebody that's stone cold sober and somebody that's like high. Ben Buddha Ben needs... he needs a Buddha babe that understands him and gets him. But you can't pair up like a stone-cold sober person with that because the personalities just don't align.

If you agree to a bracket-based system for naming your child, you are legally bound to follow through with the winner

My problem with this is, if you agreed to this, you have—it's legally binding. You shouldn't have done this... naming our child off a completely random tournament, but you agreed to it. And now guess what? Your only recourse here is have another kid and then you get to name that kid.

Raising children as fans of losing teams like the Lions or Browns is good for their character development

I think that a healthy amount of adversity—losing, growing up—actually has a good impact on the kid for learning how to deal with all that. Whereas if they... just made them say like a Patriots fan who also rooted for Duke, then they'd turn out to be a real piece of shit.

You can only change a child's name if they are the firstborn and under 18 months old

I think you can change a kid's name up until a year and a half... It also has to be the first kid because you can't, if it's the second kid... my son would be like, what the fuck?

Relationships built entirely on fitness and distance running are not built to last

Relationships built off fitness. I don't think are built to last because at some point, yeah, you're going to be out of shape. Well, and then you both have to be fitness freaks and then make tick talks together about like meal prep and shit.

You should never send a meme to a person you are in a relationship with

I think it's more of a red flag that he's sending memes to you. You don't send memes to somebody that you're in a relationship with. You steal the memes and then you verbally tell them to them when you're out to dinner so you sound funny.

I absolutely think you should share funny memes and things you find on the internet with your partner

I absolutely think you share funny things you find on the internet with your partner. All day. It's just having a funny banter back and forth.

I can successfully pee off a moving bicycle without getting off

I peed off the bike... I would be pedaling and I was leaned over. I could absolutely do it right now. Get me a bike, Jake... I will prove it.

You should kiss your boss to avoid work talk on the golf course

Just try to kiss him in the middle of your round and be like, I always get horny when I play golf. And then he'll never invite you something about the holes. Either and if, and if they don't give it to you lean in for a kiss and then if they kiss, you just say sexual harassment or 50% raise, ask for the kiss.

A twenty-four pack of beer is the appropriate amount for a beach day because it helps regulate your body temperature.

Twenty-four is a pretty good number because you're hot out there... regulating your body temperature. You could actually put yourself in danger if you don't drink enough.

Watching sports all weekend on the couch is as physically and mentally taxing as completing an Ironman

I would put up a guy sitting on a couch and watching an entire slate of college football on Saturday and an entire slate of NFL football on Sunday... I would put that up there with the Iron Man. I really would. Obviously not physically as taxing, but mentally far more taxing.

A man who works out twice a day and can only bench 185 is definitely cheating on his girlfriend

185, there's really no other explanation. You're either dating the biggest soy boy beta bitch or he's cheating on you... Most gyms will actually revoke your membership if you go there every day because you're obviously, you're not getting out of this what you're putting into it.

If you don't look at the internet for four hours, you miss 10 years; if you don't look for a week, you miss nothing

The internet's a weird thing like that. If you don't look at the internet for four hours, you feel like you missed 10 years. But if you don't look at the internet for a week, you feel like you missed absolutely nothing.

You cannot know if a relationship is a 'rebound' until it actually ends

I think you don't know that it's a rebound until afterwards. In the middle of a rebound, it just feels cool... so a rebound could always be just a put-back dunk until you hit the ground. So you haven't hit the ground just yet, so it's impossible to know how to score it.

If your boyfriend switches from playing quarterback to wide receiver in college, you should dump him immediately.

How long do I have to wait to dump him without it being obvious it's not about him being a quarterback anymore? Do it now. Do it now. Because you know what? You don't actually love him. He said he's a wide receiver, but he's really just going to get in on a couple of random special teams plays.