Takes

The New Jersey drones are good aliens protecting humans from bad aliens

It's probably alien. I've heard it's aliens protecting from other aliens is what I've heard... Apparently they've been here the whole time, but just in the water. And then when the bad aliens, I guess, are threatening now. So they came out to protect us.

I will not be able to shoot 20 three-pointers in a row

I misinterpreted what the initial discussion was. I'm not gonna be able to shoot 20 threes in a row. That's it... 20 for 20, which is impossible. I think 20 for 25 is possible. Obviously that's not what we discussed.

I have a broken pinky finger that I'm just going to leave untreated

I do think I have a broken pinky. I've had it for two weeks. I don't know what to do about it. I don't think you can do anything for a broken pinky... I think I'm just like a hurt hand guy for the rest of my life.

The speed of Google's new quantum chip suggests we are likely living in a computer simulation

Google says that one of the world's current fastest supercomputers would take 10 septillion years to complete that same challenge that Google's chip did in less than five minutes... it actually lends credence to the, the theory that we are living in one of an infinite number of computer simulations right now.

I would rather have a team that finishes fast than starts fast

If I had a choice between starting fast and finishing fast, I, I would choose finishing fast... I love finish fast... [The Eagles] getting out so good at finishing fast. It's actually one of my strengths.

I am having a midlife crisis at 31 years old

I feel like it's, I know the answer that it's a sign that I'm going through somewhat of a midlife crisis... I have been spending a lot of time thinking about selling it [my car] and then leasing a really nice car... Why not open a line of credit with good points, pay the lease off with that and have a nice car.

Wedding guests should give a minimum of $100 — paying for your meal and drinks is the baseline

A hundred bucks is the minimum you give at a wedding. You gotta pay for your meal and the drinks. That's kind of what you do. $10 is — I would fucking send that back to the person.

Jason Kelce was in the right for smashing that kid's phone

Jason Kelce turned around, grabbed his phone, smashed it through the crust of the earth, awesome spike... I have no problem with that guy brought the F word into it. Fair play... I stand with Jason Kelce.

You can actually lose weight by eating a diet of Uncrustables

I actually think you could lose weight eating Uncrustables. Peanut butter's got tons of protein in it. Bread is the biggest part of the food pyramid, which is really, really healthy and scientific.

Minnesota has the coolest collection of athletes of the last 20 years

Minnesota Sports because they recreated the old Randy Moss KG picture with Anthony Edwards and Justin Jefferson. And I know Minnesota sports are sad state, don't win things, but they might have like the coolest collection of athletes in the last 20 years, like compared to anyone else. They had KG, they had Randy Moss, they have Anthony Edwards, they have Justin Jefferson. They had Joe Mauer.

Jaden Daniels wearing a team jumpsuit on the sidelines counts as being in 'street clothes.'

I've always said that street clothes is, if you're wearing clothes that you would wear on the, like to the game... I'm defending my take that I know is wrong because there's something of deep, deep down that I want it to be true.

I still believe I can dunk a basketball by January 1st.

I still think I can do it. I need to lose some weight... I still need like five inches. I'm 180 pounds. I was like 171 pounds in July. So I need to lose some weight basically.

I will not drink alcohol until Thanksgiving to train for my dunk attempt

I'm going. I'm not drinking till Thanksgiving... I'm training every day. It's not something I've like forgot about. Overdrive.

Memorial Day is the best weekend of the year

Memorial Day weekend's the best is the best weekend of the year. Hank knows start of the summer.

October is the clear 1.1 pick for best sports month

I'll take October first... October's one one... October's so good. October has, I've become everything. I've become more of an October boy.

I still plan to dunk and the steroid decision is coming in the next two weeks

I'm still going gung ho. I still plan to dunk. I'm still training as if I'm going to dunk... the steroid decision is coming in the next two weeks.

Early morning workout routines are never actually fun, no matter how much you do them

How do people do it? How do you get up... Everyone, everyone, everyone who talks about getting up early, they're like, you just gotta get through the first couple of days. No. And it becomes routine. No, there's no way that, that they're wrong... there's still no way that it's fun.

Lactose intolerance is a sign of weakness and most people who claim it are 'pussies'

I think lactose intolerant people are just pussies. I just, when people are like, I can't eat that ice cream. I'm lact— shut the fuck up. Eat the ice cream. If you need an EpiPen, I respect you. If you are, if you like, oh, I got a little diarrhea, dude, that's my whole life is eating too much ice cream and getting diarrhea.

People will stop visiting Orlando entirely if the airport removes its Chili's

I am taking up a new fight. They're changing the Orlando airport and the Chili's is going to be gone in 2025. We're not gonna let this happen... I predict that people are gonna stop visiting Orlando, Florida entirely because of this. There's no amusement found in Orlando [without it].

Men posing with their arms around each other is the weirdest thing

We as guys, we as guys gotta stop doing the arms around each other. This picture. It's the fucking weirdest thing we do... There's nothing worse than doing the awkward like post golf round. Yeah. 10 dudes just standing with their arms around each other.

The Tasmanian Tiger is likely not extinct and lives in Papua New Guinea

The one that sits on the top reign supreme is an animal called a Thylacine. Tasmanian tiger... it managed to get a pilot and get picked up and turned into a series... because it used to range like 4,000 years ago... there are still ongoing reports from tribes and villages of striped dogs and all these things in Papua New Guinea. That's the area that I think needs the biggest exposure.

Pandas are dumb as shit and terrible parents

Pandas. They're dumb as shit. They will hand you, you could google this, if you go to a panda in captivity and it has a baby... and you put out an apple, it will hand you its baby and take the apple. Swear to God, nobody talks about this. They're dumb as shit. They're mean, they're terrible parents. Bad moms.

I am not spending 12 hours of my Saturday watching mediocre college football

I'm not locking in my entire 12 hours of a day on Saturday, the only day we're not in the office, to to watch a random ass week one game when there's only like three good ones... Your happiness comes from watching 12 hours of football and watching State Pittsburgh. Your happiness is from golfing. You should do what makes you happy.

If you are ultra-wealthy and don't own a sports team, you're a weirdo

I'm fully supporting Jeff Bezos buying any team because it goes back to my original, my longtime take that if you're that rich and you don't own a sports team, you're a fucking weirdo.

The first few weeks of college are the best time of your life and you should embrace it

Every year, no matter what, it's these last two weeks of August when I see kids going back to college, I'm like, fuck. That was, that's it. It is the fastest four years of your life. So just embrace it and like close your eyes and live in the moment. September is such a joke in college. You don't go to any of your classes. You don't have to worry about anything.

Admiring art in a museum is exactly the same as being a sports fan

Admiring art isn't that different from watching football. You spend all day, you pay like $15. You go to a big building and then you look at a screen on the wall and then that screen makes you feel emotions. A lot of times when you go to the museum, you get the headset and someone's explaining the art to you... You've got like a play-by-play guy for the art.

Grit is the ability and willingness to do anything regardless of the circumstance

Your ability and willingness to do any and all things regardless of circumstance... It's a incredible honor for coach [Harbaugh] to view me the way that he does. But what I do know and what I've learned over time is, you know what I do like this moment. I'm right here, right now.

The ShopVac is the most versatile tool out there

The ShopVac is gritty. It is, yeah. Because you don't have to, like, you can, I mean, pretty much anything, you know, you can, you can suck up with ShopVac. I love it. I, you could say I love the, the versatility and I love the grit factor of the shop back.

Rhythm is the essential basis for all success in sports and life

The basis of it all is rhythm, whether they realize it or not... All of these Rhythm Masters that I interviewed are winners. They know how to go there, how to stay there, and they know how to win... without rhythm, there could be no sports.

As you get older, you grow into your instrument, not out of it

One of the things [Mickey] said that really stuck with me is, as you get older, you grow into your instrument, not out of it.

Dealing with Hank in the morning is tougher than childbirth

Dealing with Hank when he wakes up in the morning. That's very tough. Yeah. Probably tougher than childbirth. If you actually have to do it. Like if childbirth verse, like if you're like, Hey, every day you have to just wake up Hank, I'd take childbirth.

You only need grit when you are competing, not 24/7

I think it's all about where you are... If you are between the lines in the Galen Center, you gotta have grit, you know, and then maybe tonight at the Manhattan Beach Pier, you don't really need the grit know. And so it's a, it's all about your environment and where you're at at the time. You know, but you don't need grit 24 7. Right. You just need it when you're competing.

Nothing makes you feel more like a man than winning an away game in terrible weather

To overcome an opponent, overcome them in their stadium and to overcome them in their stadium with the elements, then I would say Yeah. There's nothing that would make you feel more like a man than that.

My plan is still to coach football and then die

All you cared about was, I wanna play football for as long as I can play football, then coach football, then die. Has there been any change in that? [Harbaugh:] No. Still on track. Still on track. God willing and the, and the creek don't rises. You know, we're, we're on track. That's it.

I miss the ability to drink heavily without getting hangovers

Drinking without getting hungover. Right. Like I just used to like not get hangovers. And that's, and that's basically what I'm saying.

Jumping at the last second in a falling elevator will save your life

If you're an elevator and it falls and you jump at the end, you survive... I just looked it up. It's not true. It's not true. You would die.

Chocolate milk comes from brown cows

I thought chocolate milk came from brown cows... I was up north driving past a brown cow and I pointed to my cousin, I said, you know, chocolate milk comes from those things.

I would rather buy new clothes than walk through a spider-infested hallway to do laundry

I have to share that laundry room with three other units... there's spiders all the way up and down the wall... I'm afraid to go down there... So I bought new clothes, bought just essential stuff.

I'll bet my life that Hank will dunk

I believe Henry Lockwood is going to dunk. No, I actually 100% believe you're gonna dunk. Because you've been working out a lot. You've been training a lot.

Clutch performance is a real and verifiable factor in sports

Clutch 100% exists. Like there's no way to explain how some people are just better and like rise to the occasion and other people don't.

Taking a long time to poop is a masculine dad move

I actually kind of feel like this is like my first, like I'm feel like a masculine dad because I feel like that's a very big dad move for the all the kids in the house to be like, yeah. Dad goes and takes long shits. Being like, I'm going to the shit or I'll be back in three hours.

Patrick Mahomes is the 'animal' I would most like to be

I would like to be Patrick Mahomes. Humans are animals. Scientifically, they are, they literally are animals. If you could pick any animal to be, Patrick Mahomes would be a pretty fucking sick animal to be.

The Egyptian pyramids are much older than conventional history suggests

I'm wearing the Graham Hancock camp as far as like that the age of those structures is much older than they tell us. I'd like—I mean he talks a lot about the Younger Dryas and going back 10,800 years I believe it is. And to me that seems more in line.

Hitting too many 'dingers' caused my bicep tendonitis

I have bicep tendonitis in my right arm from hitting dingers... it hurts to lift my right arm. So the backswing, there's a lot of pain.

I'm 'too fat' to go by Matt, so use Matthew instead

I'd prefer Matthew. I think I'm a little too fat for Matt. I think Matt's, you know, last six months, they've probably gotten laid.

I'm officially 'washed' after struggling in the home run derby

Tuesday night we hit dingers... but I think I'm officially, officially washed because... I was halfway through the whole competition and I looked at the leaderboard and it was like me, Titus, Chief, Brandon... every guy who's 37 plus. I was maxing out everything I had and it wasn't that good.

I would not lose to Luke Fickell in a street fight

I do not believe if it was a street fight that I would lose to [Luke Fickell]. [Even though he's an elite wrestler], that is not a sanctioned wrestling event... I'm intimidating.

Most people are full of shit and lie to make themselves seem more interesting

I think everybody's lying to you... just think that everybody's full of shit. And most people are. I mean, you a lot of times you go and you start talking to people. If they're at a party, people start bragging about they're already lying because you're trying to be entertaining.

Human beings just become worms after they die

I think what happens after you die is you get eaten by worms. We all just become worms.

Tornadoes do not hit big cities

You gotta worry about the tornado—tornadoes don't hit cities though. That's good. Like big cities. I think it's something about like the wind or something in the big, in the buildings, buildings stopping it. I don't know... I think they—tornadoes do not hit big cities.