Takes

I will find a middle ground with my sleep schedule to avoid missing shows

The first incident sleeping in too late kickstarted my fitness documentary journey, which has me waking up early, which then forced me to be tired and sleep late. So I just gotta find that middle ground. But I'm gonna find it.

I like getting a single bug bite

I like a good bug bite. Just a good, just a good old fashioned bug bite. Like maybe on the top of your shin. Nice little spot. You can scratch it a little... A single bug bite on the top of your shin. Just a little itch. Not so bad.

I will give it my all and I believe I will be able to dunk

I'm in it. The bet's out there. It's 20, it's 20 k. ... I'm going to give it my all to be able to dunk. I think I'm gonna be able to do it. I know the haters and you guys and everyone in the world doesn't think I'm going to, but I I welcome that. I welcome that. ... The only way that's gonna stop me is injury.

If the Celtics win the championship, I am going to shave my head

If the Celtics win the championship, I am gonna shave my head. So maybe I'll get a taste of what that looks like. ... I'm gonna start trying to do some preemptive [hair loss] things. I'm probably gonna stop wearing a hat as much.

I have officially transitioned into a 'spill guy' who spills on his clothes once a week

I had a great run as a guy who didn't spill on himself... I am now a spill guy. Happens probably once a week. Chips in queso have become the devil. I just end up with a spill no matter what.

Hitchhiking should be brought back because it was generally safe

Bring back hitchhiking. Hitchhiking was safe. I feel like hitchhiking got a bad rap because there were a couple serial killers out there. Almost 100% of hitchhikers ended without a serial killer encounter.

Flacco the Owl was a slut

Even though I don't, I I I'll still stand with my take that Flacco the owl was a slut. Big time slut. I guess the pigeon herpes might've been because he was eating pigeons. ... I'm sticking with full on slut shaming a flacco. You were a slut. That's how you got the herpes.

I am a better athlete than Hank, despite being nine years older than him

I honestly don't, like no offense to you, but I don't think it's like a washed up thing. I think just PFT and I are better athletes than you. We're nine years older than you and still better athletes than you. ... I beat you in every combine event.

I am going to pimp out Vanny Woodhead and bring the van back to life in Chicago

We are going to get Vanny to Chicago. We have, we're in a different financial situation than we were six years ago. So I'm gonna probably put some money into this Vanny, pimp it out, figure out how to make it technically exist again. And now we'll have Vanny back in our lives. Like this trip to Indy would've been a perfect, let's just hop in Vanny. Yeah. So we're I Vanny is back.

I lied about destroying Vanny Woodhead; I have been keeping it for years

Technically it's destroyed. Legally it's chopped up. But I kind of... I didn't have the heart to chop it up, so I just been keeping it... I was like, every time it was an excuse I used to not follow through with chopping it up.

I will be able to dunk a basketball and hit twenty three-pointers within the next ten months

I'm going hard to dunk... summer, that's exactly my plan. I'm already over leveraged. What if I do both and hit 20 threes? I just have to basically change my entire lifestyle way of thinking and everything.

Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson would dominate Olympic Handball with minimal training

I believe it even more [that we would win gold]. Josh Allen could be the best handball player in the world right now... Imagine trying to stop Lamar. You could just take quarterbacks and they would win a gold medal.

I am returning to a private lifestyle because the internet ruined the Tiffany Gomas content

I will definitely be going back to, to zero dark private life mode... because it's fun. I enjoy it and, and you know, 99% of the people are fun. They play along... But then there's the 1% of people, people that will DMM and, and, and, and just go way over the top.

I will be in the best shape of my life when I turn 40

I have the double whammy of our birthday month is coming up and it's our last birthday in our thirties. And I am trying to tell myself that when I turn 40, I have to turn 40 in good shape in the best shape of my life... I'm going to put in a very concerted effort starting on Tuesday.

Your physical health and fitness decisions do not matter until you turn 40 years old

I've always thought that nothing that you do before you're 40 really matters. So once you're 40, you're an adult... if you turn 40 and you're not in good shape, nobody ever gets in great shape after they're 40... besides that, you don't really clean your life up that much in terms of your physique.

I have a rational confidence that I could pass the multiple-choice portion of the Bar Exam without studying

I have a rational confidence that I could pass the multiple choice part [of the bar exam]. If I studied I could definitely do it... I'm good at reading a test question and figuring out what they're trying to ask me. I've watched enough SVU I think to pass the bar exam.

I cannot run a 5K in under 33 minutes

I'm not gonna be able to run under 33 minutes. I'm not gonna be able to do that and I can't do that. Physically... I'm going to end up, I'm gonna get an injury.

Staying in an ADA-compliant apartment as an able-bodied person is selfish

I'm just uncomfortable staying here [in an ADA-compliant apartment] where someone else who might need it more [could live]... I view it in the perspective like PFT said, I'm taking the space right now of someone who needs it more.

Billy Football's dog definitely thinks that Billy is a bitch

You know what? Billy's dog definitely thinks that Billy's a bitch. Billy's dog is like, 'Dude, we could have handled [the geese].'

Orcas are attacking boats to train their young to hunt, not for revenge

Update on those orca attacks. Turns out the orcas may be using the boats that they're attacking to train the younger orcas, how to hunt. It may not be some sort of retribution situation.

I am going to start taking Ozempic to lose weight.

I'm just gonna go on Ozempic. I don't fucking care. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it and I'm gonna tell everyone to do it and then I'm gonna look hot and then I'll get off of it and then I'll gain it all back. Drop like 25 pounds and then just slowly gain it back.

Having a soul patch makes zero difference to my appearance because my facial hair is already shitty

I have realized that me having a soul patch makes absolutely zero difference because people will just be like, PFT's got shitty facial hair. More news at 11. I've known that I've been face-bald for years.

Age and gender do not matter in pickleball

I'm telling you, if you play pickleball, you know that age, gender doesn't matter. Everyone plays together. Age is not a thing in pickleball. If you're good, you're good, you can hang.

I will join the 1,000 pound club naturally within a year

Challenge myself and I'm gonna get hurt. And that's gonna suck... I'm gonna try to do a thousand pound club, Billy... It's deadlift, squat, bench. A thousand pounds... I'm doing it all natural. No, I'm doing it. It's either all natural or can't do.

Seasonal aggression is a real phenomenon where people get angrier when it's hot out

Seasonal aggression. Yeah... angry... just gets hyper... no one should be judged for their actions when their heart rate's over 150 beats per minute. I agree with that. That that's what I believe.

No one should be judged for their actions when their heart rate is over 150 BPM

No one should be, no one should be judged for their actions when their heart rate's over 150 beats per minute. I agree with that. That that's what I believe.

I officially hate t-shirt weather because I am not physically ready for it

My fire fest is, it happens every year... it's t-shirt weather again. And I'm not ready. I'm wearing spanks again. I'm back on the spanks. So this is a temporary, like a bandaid over a gaping, gaping wound... I gotta figure out how to lose like 40 pounds.

Dentists are a scam

Dentists are a scam. You don't have a cavity until somebody tells you you have a cavity. People don't go to the dentist when their teeth are feeling great.

Only two people in the room statistically have cancer

Statistically only like two of us in this room have cancer. [Big Cat: That's a bummer].

Snake owners are absolute weirdos and potential serial killers

It's serial killer vibes to be a pro snake... Snakes literally have had the worst rap. Deservedly so in the history of animals... Just get a dog.

I am going to have 'final four abs' by getting cool sculpting done on my stomach

When I went in to get my platelet-rich plasma injections into my scalp, I got upsold into getting cool sculpting done on my stomach. And so now my stomach hurts really bad. The good news is I'm gonna have final four abs.

I am going to start taking Ozempic and tell everyone I just learned how to eat right

I am going to do that insulin medicine without telling anyone, and someday I'll just start shedding pounds and everyone be like, 'what is he doing?' and I'd be like, 'ah, I just learned how to eat right. I'm 40 years old, I just started following a diet.'

I could definitely hit the waypoints if given the controls of an F-18 fighter jet

I'm deathly terrified of doing this... [but] I do think that if they gave me the controls, I'd be able to at least like hit the waypoints and shit.

Vacations are for suckers and losers

Full stop. Fucking work hard. Hank vacation. Boy, you're soft bitch. All these vacations you're taking. I didn't even like doing it. I wanted to be working with the boys... vacations for suckers and losers.

Punxsutawney Phil is a fraud and a 'wannabe Greta Thunberg'

My big fire fest is really for America... because you guys are letting a groundhog ruin your day today. Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow... be a fucking man... I'm going to wear shorts and short-sleeve t-shirts just to show that little wannabe Greta Thunberg telling me the sky is falling.

I am having a third child and I purposefully conceived to ensure it wouldn't be born during football season

I'm having another child, so congrats. Father three loading... early June... Are you purposely conceiving for the off-season? I mean, yeah... it's nice not having children during football season. I am a football guy.

I am going to wear shorts and short-sleeve t-shirts all next week in the cold just to prove that Punxsutawney Phil isn't the boss of me.

Be a fucking man. I'm gonna put on shorts right in that little rat fuck's [Punxsutawney Phil] face. I'm gonna wear shorts next, all next week... just to show that little wannabe Greta Thunberg telling me, 'oh, the sky is falling,' that I'm a man and I can make my own decisions.

I will cut my hair short by the summer if it doesn't improve

I'm dealing with my hair issue... noticeably thinning out back there. I've made the executive decision if it doesn't improve by the summer, we're taking it off. We're going short... I got my own blood injected into my head earlier today... if I haven't turned it around by then, gotta come home.

I am officially refusing to wear flip flops in gym showers or steam rooms

I've been going in the gym's shower and the steam room with no flip flops and I'm disgusted by myself... [but] I'm never getting flip flops. Fuck it. I'm never getting flip flops.

I need to become less fun than my son's toys so he stops waking me up in the middle of the night

Last night [my son] got up at one in the morning... he was just sitting next to my bed, wasn't saying anything, just sitting there. I caught him the other day doing this at three in the morning... slowly opening the door with his hands like a ninja. I need to become less fun than his toys. He has toys in there and he's like, 'I'd rather hang out with dad' at 1:00 in the morning.

Surviving COVID-19 three times makes my body a dynasty against the virus

I'm a back-to-back two-time Covid survivor. I'm about to make it a dynasty. This would be my third covid survival in two years, which I believe puts my body in a dynasty against the Coronavirus.

I am losing 25 pounds in 2023 for my 'hard body' year

2023 is a hard body year. I'm gonna get a hard body... I'm losing 25 pounds in 2023. Losing 25 pounds in 2023... January 1st, new me.

I am going to lose more weight than you can imagine after football season

I'm gonna lose so much fat fast. ... I'm just saying I'm gonna lose more weight than you could even imagine. ... Once football's over, I'm back.

Buffalo are the only animals that walk into snowstorms rather than away from them

Buffalo [is] the only animal that goes towards snow storms. It'll [walk] towards the storm while other animals go away from it. That's got a rock. I like that's like pretty [hardcore].

Modern truck auto-stop engine technology is dangerous and poorly designed

Every time you stop, it'll go to a full stop, the engine turns off... The thing is the car has to turn off and start back up again. And if people know, like the more miles you get on a truck, the more times you start a truck, the engine's gotta turn over... It happened to me in a busy ass intersection and I couldn't get the truck back started... putting people like myself in danger.

I can survive for three weeks on the streets as a stray dog

How long do you think you could survive on the streets? Like a stray? Three weeks. I'm a warrior. I survived out there.

I am officially in my annual 'betting unders' phase

I'm starting to like betting unders and it's a phase I don't like and I do it every year. I win one under and I'm like, that was easy. I'm deep in it right now. I only look at the board and I'm like, 'Oh, I love all these unders.' It's gross. I'll phase out of it and get back to betting on the over for games that I like the under.

I may be allergic to red meat and dairy for the rest of my life due to a lone star tick bite

Turns out I must have stepped on a lone star tick nest... and I got bitten by a bunch of lone star tick larva... which the good news is the larva don't transmit Lyme's... but they can give you an Alpha-gal allergy. That means that Alpha-gal is in all red meat and dairy and I, I might be allergic to red meat and dairy for the rest of my life. I had to go vegan for a month before I get the test... I contracted veganism.

Hangovers at age 37 are a traumatic experience that ruins your entire week

I'm pre upset at myself for how shitty I'm going to feel on Saturday and Sunday... I know I can reach my peak. It's just the, when I reached my peak, the aftermath is very, very difficult to bounce back with. So I'm, I probably won't feel good again until mid next week. So yeah, pre fire-festing the hangover and the regret that I have from going on a bachelor party at 37.

Once you reach a certain age, the hangover punishment for having fun is far worse than the fun itself

The punishment for having fun is now way worse than the fun itself. So you'll just never have fun again. I've kind of reached that point as well where you're scared of what you're going to have to deal with in the aftermath.