Takes

Skip Bayless is at his best when LeBron James is failing in the Finals

Skip Bayless is on fire. I don't know if you've seen him... there's nothing that brings that out quite like LeBron choking in the finals.

The X Games have lost their fastball because they cancel events for rain

The X Games has lost their fastball... they canceled all the events yesterday because of rain, and these are the X Games, right? Why are you canceling events because of rain? If anything, it should be the Surge commercial where everybody is running up the hill.

The best way to handle a PR disaster is to claim it was satire and that people are too dumb to get it

Another thing you can do now here's, I've learned this from experience. If you say something that's just extremely offensive and rubs people the wrong way, it's satire. Dick Vitale could have said the fuck you thing was satire. And you guys all don't get it. You're all dumb.

Lacrosse will be more popular than baseball in 50 years

Lacrosse is going to be more popular than baseball in 50 years.

Women's lacrosse is not a real sport because Northwestern is good at it

Also, Northwestern won a national title, and if Northwestern can win a national title in the sport we're talking about, that's not a real sport. So women's lacrosse, sorry, not a real sport.

Chris Berman's retirement report is a bargaining chip for his next contract

Does Chris Berman not strike you as the type of guy that's going to take a victory lap? He is a victory lap guy through and through. So this wishy-washy back and forth, this was all on purpose... Or what this could be is a bargaining chip. He might be trying to play him for a raise. His contract's up next year. So he's dangling the threat of retirement.

Steve Weatherford is the 'Rosa Parks' of heavy breathing at Planet Fitness

He's now taking a stand about people shaming heavy breathers... This is the Martin Luther King of breathing heavy in Planet Fitness is Steve Weatherford. Really standing up for some civil rights here. [PFT]: I'd say it's more Rosa Parks.

Johnny Manziel should get fat to regain public sympathy

Fat Johnny Manziel is actually a good way to get some sympathy back... You can't... It's just different when you're fat. People won't call him a scumbag as much... You're lovable when you're fat.

Roger Goodell is guaranteed to be on the show because of Eric Winston

Eric Winston guaranteed that Roger Goodell is going to be on the show this week.

Regular assault and battery laws could and should apply to baseball fights

Being on the field like that in a baseball game especially, I don't think in my mind that in a baseball game that this is something that you could say, well, they assume the risk. I think the regular rules of assaults and battery could and should apply in this situation.

The Undefeated website is racist against white people

I kind of see what they're saying that the Undefeated is racist... Listen, we've sat here long enough as white males being persecuted. When are we going to get our say in sports media?

The ESPN Undefeated website is essentially 'the KKK for black people'

[The Undefeated] becomes the KKK for black people. Yeah, basically.

Olympic cancellation rumors are just a PR stunt to remind people the Olympics are happening

I swear to God, they pretend it's canceled the Olympics every Olympics just to remind us the Olympics are coming... how else do you pump everyone up for the Olympics in the beginning of May?... Their whole PR 101 is they just remind you it's happening by scaring the fuck out of everyone.

Retired players should fake-tweet they are returning to the league just to get back into the news cycle

I think more players should start doing this where they just fake tweet that they're coming out of retirement. Just get people talking about him because I didn't even know Jason Campbell was retired... Jeff George should just tweet something racist tomorrow just to get the rush of being like a celebrity again.

I'm sick of eSports being pushed on regular people

i'm not into esports but i am into drone racing... Esports are for all the people who think the NFL is going away... Let's have a bunch of nerds play video games and we'll watch and we'll take over for all of our, you know, sports that we've loved for 100 years. Get the fuck out of here, man. I'm sick of the esports thing. I really am.

Bob Costas is passionate about every sport he covers except for Sunday Night Football, where he sucks

Everything that [Bob Costas] attends, that's the kind of passion that Bob puts, except for Sunday night football. He sucks at that. He's like, 'hey, America, knock it off with the guns.' And then everyone's like, 'oh, shit, we should probably get rid of our guns.'

Newspaper guys only use Twitter to complain at airlines

Newspaper guys also love to complain about airlines. That's actually, like, the only reason newspaper guys have Twitter accounts, so that they can tweet at the airlines. And also, all their Twitter accounts, it's their stock photo from the newspaper picture day in 1992.

I like 'White Randy Moss' more than the football-playing Randy Moss

Not to be racist, but I like white Randy Moss more than black Randy Moss. ... I'm a bigger Randy Moss fan, the [broadcaster], than I am of the football playing Randy Moss.

Feidelberg and I were the first two people in America to accept the Ice Bucket Challenge

Feidelberg and I were the first two people in America to accept the Ice Bucket Water Challenge. ... If you just challenge and no one accepts it, then it never works. ... You're listening to the guy who started the Ice Bucket Challenge.

Jay Glazer is better than Adam Schefter because Schefter is a 'nerd'

Did you pick Jay instead of Schefter because Schefter's a nerd and everyone wants to give him a swirly? 100%. Glazer's the man... Jay has so many relationships. He is so dialed that anything big goes through Jay.

PFT Commenter Drenches You In Rainy Rain Takes

He's in the trenches dude, so check your mentions fool. In rainy rain takes he drenches you.

Not being verified on Twitter is a blessing because it provides a 'built-in Fifth Amendment' to deny saying things

Maybe us being not verified is a blessing in disguise, kind of like a built-in Fifth Amendment for ourselves that we can just say we didn't say things.

Johnny Manziel should become a sports blogger

He needs to become a blogger. He needs to write for the Players' Tribune. I'm sure they'll hire him over there. ... because pretty much all bloggers do all day is they talk about sports and then they get drunk at night. And that seems like it would be like a square peg, square hole situation.

Laremy Tunsil is a sympathetic figure because his stepdad leaked the video to screw him over

The fact that he has a stepdad in this issue actually works to his favor because I think right away, PR 101, get a stepdad that could somehow screw you over and then be like, yo, my stepdad's a dick. Automatically a sympathetic figure. ... everyone is like, poor Laremy Tunsil, we feel so bad for this guy because of the stepdad factor.

Chris Berman's pun game proves he still has his fastball

The Giants selected Eli Apple, Chris Berman. Right on the ball. Good to see that Berman still got it. He gets a little shit every now and then. He had Eli the Big Apple instantly.

Mel Kiper eats a slice of pumpkin pie every single morning

People forget that Mel Kiper eats a slice of pumpkin pie every single morning.

Pardon My Take is responsible for Skip Bayless leaving ESPN

I think the entire Pardon My Take, Pardon the Interruption, First Take fiasco that ever since that happened, ESPN's ratings have been way, way down. Our ratings have been way, way up. So, yeah, I think I think there's a better than zero chance that we contributed to [Skip Bayless's] demise.

Stephen A. Smith should argue against a mirror instead of a co-host

I actually think Stephen A. Smith should just argue in a mirror, like a dog looking at itself and barking. How great would that be? If we just put a really clean mirror in front of Stephen A. Smith, we're like, this is your new host, man.

Skip Bayless is the new Monet and takes are the new art

Takes is the new art. Like, back in the 1700s, 1800s, you didn't have people giving takes to each other. You had people making paintings. Like, real art. Who cares? ... But now you've got people who are giving their opinions and then other people talk about their opinions. So it's like it's the new art. So what I'm getting at is Skip Bayless is the new Monet.

Curt Schilling should jump to Fox Sports and keep his mouth shut

I think if [Curt Schilling] is smart, which he isn't, he ought to jump over to Fox and keep his mouth shut. ... I don't care what he has to say about anything. Why would anybody care what he has to say about anything?

Sean Kemp will definitely be on the show at some point

We're going to get Sean Kemp on the show. That's my guarantee to the Pardon My Take listeners. We will get Sean Kemp on the show somehow, someway, at some point. Guaranteed.

Officiating in all sports is better than it's ever been

I would, in fact, say that officiating is better than it's ever been. In every sport across the board. Ever. Of all time. The refs are great. Shut the fuck up if you think that they're not.

Skip Bayless and Curt Schilling are 'bad guys' that sports fans actually need in their lives

You want Skip [Bayless] in your life. Like, you're complaining about him. He's the bad guy. He's like Tony Montana walking through that restaurant, right? You have to have somebody that you point at that's got the shittiest takes that you almost... that you love to hate.

Curt Schilling's move to Fox Sports won't work because they already have too many people doing the same bit

He's probably going to go to Fox Sports, and it's not going to work there because Fox Sports already has a bunch of people that do what he does. Was it going to be him and Jason Whitlock just playing grab ass all day over there? It's not going to be the same as it was at ESPN.

Curt Schilling should be known for his failed business ventures rather than his social media posts

Curt Schilling needs to start bringing up that he bankrupted a video game thing and bankrupted the whole entire state of Rhode Island. I feel like people forget that, and he should be saying that more often. It's like, don't know me as Curt Schilling the racist. Know me as Curt Schilling the really bad businessman.

Curt Schilling is deliberately trying to get fired by ESPN

I think Kurt's trying to get himself fired at this point. ... He's pulling, didn't George Costanza do that at one point? I think that's what Schilling's doing. ... He's going to continue down this road if ESPN doesn't fire him.

Hockey Twitter and NBA Twitter fans are annoying for constantly comparing the toughness of their sports

Hockey Twitter will be like, well, Jonathan Toews said 'we' a bunch... then they'll make like awful memes showing how hard and tough hockey is and how soft and like a bunch of pussies NBA players are. When I think most of us can just say like we kind of enjoy all the sports. I don't really think I should have to choose between one or the other just because someone's able to stay on the ice with a broken leg.

Scottish Twitter is the funniest part of social media

Scottish Twitter is pretty good because it takes you like three or four reads to figure out what they're saying but it's laugh out loud funny every time.

The Dude Perfect show on CMT will be the best show of all time

CMT... Thursday nights, Aaron Rodgers. I don't know when Aaron Rodgers is going to be on, but it's going to be probably the best show of all time. That guy is so cool.

The phrase 'Black Mamba' should be banned from television because it might be offensive

If people out there are getting offended by it, then, you know, TV should be a safe space. So I say that, yes, you should not be allowed to say Black Mamba on television anymore.

Internet 'shoe roasts' of team jerseys are ruined because people complain about everything

This is what the internet does. They just release something and then everyone says that's awful... The internet is so cynical all the time... You've got to save good jokes for times when they're worth it... When you start picking out the Detroit Lions gray jerseys, kind of ruins it for everything else.

Jay Mariotti and Woody Page have officially broken up

PFT... broke the heartbreaking news that Jay Mariotti and Woody Page have broken up... For the last couple of shows, it's just been Jay. Strictly Mariotti. No, there hasn't been an announcement... I needed Woody to counterbalance Jay.

Rick Reilly does not understand how the internet works

I don't think anyone has understood the internet less than Rick Reilly. He said, Willett's hug of his caddy on the couch in the butler cabin has got to be a vine, doesn't it? So I don't even know if Rick really understands what a vine is. I think he thinks a vine is a meme.

Adam Schefter is feeling the heat from Jay Glazer and Ian Rapoport in the insider market

Schefter needs PR 101 because Schefter went on the Dan Patrick show and he started defending Greg Hardy. We call that the Jay Glazer effect. Jay Glazer's doing sit-downs with everyone. Schefter's feeling a little heat there. No one watches the NFL insider market more than I do. Schefter's feeling a little heat.

Preseason predictions are worthless and no one should care about them

I love preseason predictions because they're never right. I also love when people say like, oh, here are my preseason predictions so I can just get it on the record. Like anyone gives a fuck. Why would I care what you think? They're never right, and I just don't care.

The Crying Jordan meme is essentially a form of blackface

Isn't Crying Jordan meme a blackface in a way? I've never thought about it like that, but I suppose it is... They blackface literally every person who's ever lost any game ever.

J.J. Watt will never actually come on the show

If I'm putting money on it, I'm saying that he's not going to come on the show and that he's just doing this as a one-time thing to try to get a brief amount of credit but not really following up on it.

There is a 42% chance J.J. Watt will eventually appear on Pardon My Take

I'll split the difference. I'm going to say there's like a—I guess it wouldn't be splitting the difference, but 42% chance he's going to come on.

It is weird that Grant Hill calls Bill Raftery 'Coach' when Raftery hasn't coached in 35 years

Grant Hill refers to Bill Raftery as coach. This is noteworthy because Bill Raftery hasn't coached since 1981... Grant Hill was eight years old in 1981... I only call my coaches coach. It feels to me like he's mocking Raftery and Raftery just doesn't know it.

LeBron James will announce he is re-signing with the Cavs by re-following them on Twitter

I actually think what's happening is that LeBron unfollowed the Cavs and that when he signs his option... he's going to announce it by refollowing the Cavs. It's such a shitty, like not cool thing to do, but it's so lame that it perfectly fits something that he would think was a good idea.