Takes

Swifties are the number one hobby that becomes an entire personality

Obviously my one one or I guess one two Swifties. I mean, they're the cra they're the number one. Yeah. Right now they're the number one. Yeah. That is their hobby. That becomes their entire personality. Swifties If. you If you see a swifty online. That's all they want to talk about is Swifties.

Disney Adults are the weirdest people in the world

Disney adults. They're the weirdest people in the, the world now... There's a lot of people out there that get married at Disney World. Yeah. Get propose at Disney World. Yeah. They dress up as Disney characters. And I actually think... Disney adults, their hobby becomes their personality traits because the rest of the world no longer accepts 'em.

The world needs straight comedy movies that aren't trying to be serious or deep

I see the movies coming out that are kind of comedies and I watch 'em. I feel like they're mid and lacking in comedy... When you put a comedy on, you drop your guard, right? Yeah. When you put on like The Hangover or some shit... And I'm ready to just immerse in this last year.

The French plan to shit in the Seine to protest the Olympics is an awesome move

I stand with the French on [shitting in the river to protest]. I think it rocks to say we're gonna take a shit on our president. Yes. I think that's a very fun thing to do.

The Las Vegas Sphere is a mind-blowing experience that exceeds all high expectations

Anyone who is thinking about going to the Sphere, do it. It was mind-blowing. The expectations were high and they blew them out of the water. I did have that thought of like, will I ever be able to go back to real life because it was that cool.

The Joker is more dangerous than Batman because he is willing to do whatever it takes

The issue with Batman is like he's not willing to do whatever it takes. Like he has a chance to throw [Joker] off the cliff at the end of the second one and he doesn't do it. He saves his life. And so like the scary thing about Batman is like is he willing to go the extra mile to do what's necessary for the greater good? And that's the danger part of Joker is like he's willing to go the extra mile to get his point across.

Joey Chestnut's ban from the Nathan's contest is a sign of the late stages of the American empire

Joey Chestnut has been banned from the Nathan's hot dog eating competition on July 4th in America is at its knees. It's the end of it. It feels like the late stages of an empire. This is the sign.

There is no way on earth Lenny Kravitz hasn't had sex in nine years

Lenny Kravitz said that he hasn't had sex in nine years. Yeah, he hasn't fucked in nine years. That must be really, that's impossible. Difficult for Lenny Kravitz to do that. That's insane. ... Lenny Kravitz is so hot that there's no one on earth that can make him come.

Chevy Chase once kicked me off his trampoline for jumping too high

freshman year of high school... I'm gonna impress [Chevy Chase] by how high I can jump on this trampoline... And instead he goes, get off my trampoline. You jumping too high. It's dangerous. And I was like, oh man. And I get off the trampoline and then he just jumps on the trampoline with my friend and I was just standing there.

Kendrick Lamar is winning the beef because he is speaking for everyone who hates Drake

Drake is responding to Kendrick Lamar, but Kendrick Lamar is, the way he's dropping these things is basically he's speaking for a lot more people that just haven't said anything to Drake in a long time... It essentially talking for a bunch of people being like, we've been saying this shit behind your back.

J. Cole is the real winner of the Drake-Kendrick rap beef

The smartest person, the real winner of this entire beef is J. Cole because J. Cole was in it. And then he went on stage and he was like, no, I'm kind of a pussy so I don't want to do this. Smart. He's the goat for recognizing that he did not want to be anywhere involved in this.

Nikki Glaser was the best roaster and Ben Affleck was the worst at the Tom Brady Roast

I thought Nikki Glaser was the best because anytime you have a roast, like the professional comedians, you could just see why they're professional comedians... I thought Ben Affleck was the weirdest and worst. It was really strange. He spent 10 minutes yelling about like an anonymous Bills fan.

Taylor Swift hates the Chiefs because she won't give Travis Kelce money to take a league-minimum contract.

If Taylor Swift was a real fan of the, the Chiefs... She would realize for the good of the franchise that she should not do a prenup with Travis Kelce, therefore letting Travis Kelce sign value contracts with the Chiefs and extending their championship window. She she would give... Money's no problem for us. Sounds like she hates the Chiefs. Yeah.

Taylor Swift should give up half her money to men to prove she believes in equality.

Basically what we're saying is that Taylor Swift should give up half of her money to men. Is that too much to ask? No, I thought we were about equality. Equality matters 50%.

Queens of the Stone Age are the best American rock band of the last 40 years

I could argue they're the best American rock band in the last 40 years. ... And I'll go album for album with anybody. They're album because they evolve. ... You wanna see people evolve. You wanna see people try stuff that maybe sometimes doesn't work, but then you get to see 'em try stuff that does work. And you're like, yeah, this shit rules.

The 'Stone Cold Law' animated show would be a massive banger if a network produced it

I guarantee we would make a fucking banger of a show. So let's fucking go. If Peacock gave us a full season, I I have no doubt. It would be great. ... It's Stone Cold Law. Steve [Austin] is a lawyer, like trying to help out the little man in Texas.

The Ninja Turtles are the Mount Rushmore of Italians

I think the Ninja Turtles are probably up there [on the Mount Rushmore of Italians]... Rafael's more my personality. Michelangelo is my son's favorite, so I flock to him.

Beyonce's 'Jolene' cover is not good and should be skipped

Beyonce's Jolene sucks. That's, she covered it on this album. She did it. And it's a skip. Oh, it's a big skip. It's skip. It's not good. Boy.

New Orleans and Miami are bad comedy towns because they are just parades of drunk people

There's like New Orleans and Miami [that are bad towns]... It's a parade of drunk people. Yeah... everything... it's like, it's a parade of drunk people.

The upcoming election cycle will swing the comedy pendulum back toward censorship and sensitivity

I think this election's gonna swing it back. It'll go back to being [sensitive]. It'll go back... It's gonna get hot on the streets.

The Royal Family exists solely as a group of people for everyone else to make fun of

The British people are fucking weirdos... I I kind of love the royal family because they're, they're the quintessential, like you can just make fun of 'em. Maybe that's what they're there for. They're not really there to give hope and meaning and optimism to the British people. Maybe they're just there to have like a group of people that you can just make fun of all the time.

Hollywood won't cast a ginger as a lead actor

I just think they don't, they're never gonna make a, a ginger a lead... something about orange men, they just, it's hard to lead a movie... if Bill Burr can't do it, I don't think I've got a shot.

Curb Your Enthusiasm is better than Seinfeld because it is the darker, more realistic version of what Seinfeld was meant to be.

I'm a much bigger fan of [Larry David] than Seinfeld. I think his line of what Seinfeld was, was, that's why Curb was so great. It was like the version of Seinfeld that I wanted more was that, more so than the other thing that Jerry [Seinfeld] did. Larry's Seinfeld is what Curb is and that's what I always wanted it to be.

Boobs are officially back in pop culture

I told you Sydney Sweeney has done it. I think boobs are back guys. Yeah. That, that picture all time... Sydney Sweeney has done it.

Sydney Sweeney is bringing back the era of 'tits' over 'asses'

My who's back of the week is Sydney Sweeney. She was on SNL. ... People are saying, is Sidney Sweeney bringing back tits? Well, there's been don don't know. What would you say? A decade run where asses have been number one. ... We might look back in history and be like, when did Tits come back? Sidney Sweeney.

I have zero problem sleeping with an angel in Elysium, even if they turn out to be a man

Hank's big fucking move was to make me gay. Like it's a bad thing. Disgusting. You fucking an angel dude. Yeah, absolutely. I I don't give [a fuck]—angels are angels. They just change their physical form whenever they want. Shit. They're just like changing to [whatever you] love... I'm like, yeah, no shit bro.

Every woman in America currently believes she is Taylor Swift

Every woman in America thinks she's Taylor Swift. Like they're living vicariously through Taylor Swift. There will be guys that get plastic surgery to look more like Travis Kelce so they can start dating women.

Ludacris should have a 'Lud Bowl' halftime show performing all his features

I think that they should do a Lud Bowl halftime show where it's Ludacris. It goes out and he performs like all of his features with all the other artists that have had him on their songs.

I was right about Brittany Mahomes being attractive

I want to just all due respect, Patrick, you've won... your wife is hot. And I would say that his wife is very attractive. Good job. I got this one right.

Taylor Swift should have dated someone on the Panthers to learn that life isn't that easy

I don't wanna say anything negative about Taylor Swift, but that that just, it it, it's unfair that Taylor Swift was basically introduced to the NFL this year. And she's already in the Super Bowl... she should have dated someone on like the Panthers. Yeah. Go to Bank of America Stadium Week 16. That's a fact. I wanna see David Tepper pouring a drink on her.

Drake leaked his own explicit video as a flex

Drake international superstar. He was jacking off and the video came out. I actually think my conspiracy theory brain tells me that Drake leaked this himself because it's a good angle... he's got a big dick and he's got a big dick. Yeah. So if anything it like my respect for Drake increased today.

I am intensely attracted to Tiffany Gomas

I have such an intense attraction to Tiffany Gomas. It is, it's actually, I am, I'm obsessed with her... I follow her on Instagram. I even like leave comments like 'looking good girl'... I think the thing I'm most attracted to is that there's a real, a mental issue there... I'm really attracted to her.

Braxton Berrios and Alix Earle are the hottest couple ever

Braxton Berrios is one of our guys. He's a thirst strapper. Correct. His hair, by the way, has been looking incredible. Yeah. No, they're the hottest couple ever. ... I think that they enjoy having sex with each other. They're probably the only, only, they're probably each person is probably the first person that the others had sex with that's like, oh, now I get why sex is great.

The 'elite' label came from winning games without gaudy stats — people wear the sweatshirt both sincerely and as a joke, and either way it's fun

I was winning a bunch of games in Baltimore, but my stats were never gonna fly off the stat sheet. We were winning games because we had a formula with how we won games. ... The funny thing is, is now people could like, listen, I have buddies wearing the sweatshirt because they're like, yeah, damn right he's elite. And I have detractors that are out there probably using it as a joke. ... Either way it's a story and I have a lot of fun with it.

The rivalry with Sylvester Stallone made both of them more successful and drove them to improve

Stallone by being so good made me better. So he gets, it's kind of like a competition. If you go to the Olympics and you're the only one that is running the a hundred meter sprint, you know, you're not gonna get the performance out of it as if, if a bunch of guys are chasing you. And so it's always kind of the competition that creates performance.

There is no room for swearing in sports

I've never seen Mahomes swear. I've never seen him swear. Never. Not once. I've never seen a coach swear. There's no, there's no room for swearing in sports... What I'm trying to say is there's no place for swearing at a football game in the stands.

GTA VI is the point where video games became indistinguishable from reality

GTA six finally released their trailer yesterday. And yeah, it, that's we've, we've done it. We've gotten to the point where I can't tell if it's a video game or real life. Unfortunately. That clip of the, of the girls shaking her booty on the, on the car. I was like, is that real? I don't, it finally happened where my brain can't process video games. In reality.

I would never marry Ryan Russillo because we are like siblings

Ryan Russillo and I are finally together after all these years? No. He is my brother and this is the kind of relationship we have... No. 'cause he's like my brother and I'm just not into marrying my siblings.

Blink-182's new album 'One More Time...' is a banger

I'm just gonna put Blink-182 as being back. They dropped a new album on Friday. It sounds like it was recorded in 2005. I mean that in like the best way possible... It's a good album. I give it four balls out of five.

Albus Dumbledore is a piece of shit for setting Harry Potter up to die

As I'm watching them [the Harry Potter movies], dude, Dumbledore's a piece of shit. He knew that Harry had to sacrifice himself. He set him up. The guy that you think is like the grandpa that's always there to help him... he's a bad sicko.

Books are always better than the movies

Michael Lewis books—always better than the movie. Big Short? Ever heard of it? Moneyball? Ever heard of it? Blindside? Books are always better than the movie.

The NFL is officially bigger than Taylor Swift

Travis Kelce went to a Taylor Swift concert, right? Taylor Swift has gone to two Travis Kelce's games after this week. Seems like I was right. The NFL's bigger than Taylor Swift.

Swifties secretly want Taylor Swift's relationships to fail for the music

I think secretly Taylor Swift's own fan base is sabotaging her happiness... Swifties want Taylor to be happy on their own terms. They don't want Taylor Swift to find genuine happiness. They want her to be happy because she's found empowerment after a disastrous breakup.

Travis Kelce would take Taylor Swift's last name in marriage, but Taylor would take Rob Gronkowski's

I'll put it this way. If Travis Kelce marries Taylor Swift, Travis Kelce takes her last name. If Gronk marries Taylor Swift, she's Taylor Gronkowski. She takes his name. That's a fact.

If you're not horny with the Lauren Boebert thing, you're telling on yourself for being super horny

I'm not being horny. I'm being normal. If you're not horny with the Lauren Boebert thing, you're telling on yourself for being super horny. So horny that you're afraid to admit it.

Taylor Swift fans (Swifties) are much more dangerous than Chiefs fans

Taylor Swift fans are fucking insane. And this is coming from a guy who had his most recent superfan go to prison for 30 years for bank robberies. Swifties are way more dangerous than Chiefs [fans].

Bob Barker is the GOAT game show host

In my mind the GOAT game show host. Yeah. I mean I know Trebek... Trebek's great. It was, it was the GOAT game show. Right. And he was the host for so long... Just the perfect amount of kind of horny, you know, made sure that everyone got their pets spayed and neutered would get a little pissed off when people were dumb. He just was the best.

Taylor Swift is either a cult leader or a terrorist

Is Taylor Swift kind of a terrorist? She might be kind of a terrorist. It feels like she's got, I'll tell you what, She is either a cult leader or a terrorist and she's very good at doing both. Whichever one it is. So anything that she does, I'm on her side.

Kanye West's 'College Trilogy' is the best pound-for-pound album trilogy in history

To separate the art from the artist Right. And understand that these are maybe the three like pound for pound best albums out there... It is Kanye West College Dropout Late Registration. Graduation. They call it the College trilogy.

The Godfather Part III is so bad that it ruins the whole movie trilogy

Godfather three... one and two are so good... The Tri literally just say the Godfather of three doesn't exist. It like they try to make it so it's not a trilogy... The trilogy then sinks the whole trilogy within itself. That's not, that is incorrect.