Takes

Miss America is no longer a beauty pageant if it removes the bikini portion

It's also ridiculous that a beauty pageant is no longer being judged on beauty. That's where we're at.

Draymond Green should get credit for the dress shorts look, not LeBron

Shorts are definitely back. But [LeBron] got co-opted by Draymond Green. Green showed up in some dress shorts, too. I think that's the new look. It's like ACDC chic. Draymond said that he should be getting credit for shorts, not LeBron.

Jon Taffer is a curse on everyone

Well, there's definitely a Taffer curse. Yeah, Taffer's definitely a curse. It's a curse on everyone.

Pusha T killed Drake in their rap beef

So Pusha T killed Drake. Yes. Drake cannot stop. He's still going to come out with an album. We'll probably have some subtle shots, but I don't think he's going to come out with a full-on diss track.

Drake doesn't have the bars to keep up with Pusha T in a rap beef

Drake doesn't have the bars... Slash Drake is also very scared. I'm just going to say this. Drake doesn't have the bars.

Drake lacks the 'clutch gene' in rap feuds

I don't think that Drake has it in him. I don't think he's got the clutch gene [against Pusha T].

Drake will win his feud with Pusha T simply by releasing a song everyone likes more

I think Drake's just going to drop a song that everyone likes more than Pusha T's song, and everyone's going to be like, okay, Drake still wins.

There should be a reality show called 'Racism Island' for people fired for racism like Roseanne Barr

Everyone who loses a job for being racist, like Roseanne Barr... should go on a reality show together. They should make a reality show called Racism Island... and then you take all the money that the show generates, and then you donate it to make a scholarship fund for minorities.

The best Hall of Fame strategy is to tell them to purposely mess up your plaque so it goes viral

If you ever get inducted into a Hall of Fame, tell them to purposely fuck up your plaque to start... have it go viral and then they'll fix it. But everyone talked about you.

I am way better looking than Ed Sheeran

I'm way better looking than Ed Sheeran. A million percent... The dude can't even pee next to me.

I'm not trading lives with Prince William because his hair is so bad

That guy, William, that is the worst bald guy I've ever seen. You got to pick it. You're a fucking prince, man. His hair is so bad, I wouldn't trade lives with him. I would not trade lives with the Prince William.

Predicts Prince Harry and Meghan Markle will get divorced

I saw a lot of people tweeting like, oh, my God... they love each other. I can't wait for them to get divorced. It's going to be awesome. I hope she takes them for all of Sussex.

A Chrissy Teigen and John Legend divorce would melt down Twitter

Chrissy Teigen and John Legend. It would be incredible. It's like sometimes I sit up at night being like, if they got divorced, I think I'd stay up for a week straight on a meth binge just looking at Twitter and getting high off that.

Tom Brady looked like a 'plastic weird doll' at the Met Gala

My other hot seat is Tom Brady for looking like a plastic weird doll... Take away the clothes. His face looked weird. I definitely don't understand fashion. I don't, but I don't think it was a fashion. Take away the clothes. His face looked weird.

Meek Mill going to prison was actually great PR because it made everyone forget that Drake murdered him in a rap beef

I think this is great PR for Meek Mill. I think he's totally, like, everyone's forgotten about [the Drake beef]. ... Now he's a hero.

Super Troopers 2 is a better sequel than The Godfather Part II

I'd say it's more beyond Godfather 2. It's like Empire Strikes Back.

The movie 'Boner Dogs' will be a success if it creates plot holes for fans to find

Listen, we're going to go with 'Boner Dogs' because the way to get a successful movie is to get on that website where they're like, there's a plot hole here.

Jerry Garcia and the Grateful Dead are overrated

I'm just going to say it out loud. Jerry Garcia and the Grateful Dead, a little overrated.

Oscar De La Hoya's alleged sex tape is one of the wildest ever

The sex tape features one blonde and one brunette... in one scene, the women are seen performing sex acts on him with kitchen utensils. [A source] said it's one of the wildest sex tapes he's ever watched.

John Cena broke off his engagement because of the PMT studio

He came into this studio. He saw what a chick looks like with four nipples. He saw the size and depth of my belly button. And boom, now his future wife's sex with his future wife is not as sweet. We clearly broke him up.

I am going to go viral singing Cardi B songs

I think I can go viral being a Cardi B remixer... I'm literally just going to sing her lyrics into a camera and just be like, check it out, y'all. I love Cardi B... My goal is in the next week to go viral singing Cardi B.

Mark Zuckerberg is definitely a robot and failed his attempt to look human in front of Congress

He looked like a robot. Like full... If Mark Zuckerberg's sole attempt was to try to persuade people that he's not a bad guy... he failed terribly. He did because he looked like a robot. He had a terrible suit. He had a bowl cut... He just looked exactly like I would expect a robot to look.

We could make money by starting fake death rumors for celebrities that claim they died the same week as David Bowie.

I feel like fake deaths could make a big comeback. And if we just anchor all of our fake deaths on saying, yeah, he died the same week as David Bowie, so no one remembered... Oprah died... two days before David Bowie. So no one got buried.

The Yodeling Walmart Boy will eventually be found to be problematic

The yodeling Walmart boy. At some point, he's going to be problematic, right? ... I've seen this story play out on the internet enough. Someone in his family has a Confederate flag Facebook profile, and everyone's going to turn on him and be like, man, this kid is problematic.

Professional wrestling is just as 'real' as professional sports because both are forms of entertainment that people become obsessed with

I think wrestling's real. So wrestling runs a lot of parallels with sport. People get lost and obsessed in sport. Sport is merely a game. ... And what we do is just an exhibition to try to drum up the same fanatical response.

Donte DiVincenzo's old tweets aren't problematic because he was only 13

Dante DiVincenzo... some of the tweets are deemed problematic. Now, I want to make it very clear. I don't think any of these are problematic. ... It's also a 13-year-old that, like, is stupid. And if you remember when you were 13, you were a dumb fuck, too.

Shark Week sucks until they show a shark eating a human being

Until they show me a shark eating a human being, I will not watch Shark Week... I still think I saw through the fraud of Shark Week... they told me they found Megalodon and they got me all wet and didn't fuck me.

Tom Brady was definitely drinking real beer on Colbert's show because of the lacing left on the glass

What that is called on the side of the beer is lacing. ... Lacing is what happens when the foam sticks to the side of the beer glass. So it's beer. ... That was beer.

Chris Farley is not funny; he's just a 'fat guy jiggling'

Chris Farley still isn't funny. People have sent me these memes on Chris Farley. I'm like, yeah, it's a fat guy jiggling. Every meme I see, he's just jiggling.

If your name is 'Big Baby' Davis, you shouldn't be allowed to be charged as an adult in court

Also, we'll have to ask our lawyer about this, but if your name is Big Baby, can you really be charged as an adult?

The first people to go to Mars in Elon Musk's spaceships are probably going to die

Elon Musk is finally being honest with people and saying that the first people who go to Mars in one of his spaceships are probably going to die. So just getting it out there. Finally, Elon Musk is stopping with these Twitter videos saying that we're going to travel around the world in 45 seconds.

Watching porn is like spending time in the film room for baseball players

If I'm a baseball team, I would probably think about going the other way... When you're having sex... what do they tell you to think about? Think about baseball. So actually, the more porn you watch, it's like putting in more time in the film room thinking about baseball.

Steve from Blue's Clues has a million potential memes in his face

I'm going to call my shot here. I feel like Blue's Clues has like a million memes in it. That guy, Steve, with his fucking stupid old Navy shirt, that guy for sure has a memeable face.

Meryl Streep is the Derek Jeter of acting — she gets nominated just on name recognition alone

Is Meryl Streep the new Derek Jeter? Is Meryl Streep just getting voted into the All-Star game out of name alone?... Her range isn't what it used to be. When you lose your range, it goes quickly. And you know what? She won't change positions either.

Winston Churchill beating Hitler is essentially 'stolen valor' for an actor playing him

[Gary Oldman is Winston Churchill in Darkest Hour]... yeah, he beat Hitler. Yeah. You know what? Isn't that stolen valor, though? If you dress up like the guy that beat Hitler, you're taking credit for that.

Get Out will win Best Picture at the Oscars

I'm going to go with Get Out. [for Best Picture winner]

Dunkirk will win Best Picture because the Oscars love movies about British history

I'll go with Dunkirk because I feel like the Oscars loves picking movies there no one talks [about]. God they love picking those. I'm going Dunkirk as well.

In comedy and audio, the 'fatter the funnier'

I say especially when it comes to comedy and audio comedy... the fatter, the funnier, the fatter, the funnier.

Chris Farley is not funny at all

I'll stick by the not funny... in Dan Dakich's world, which is my own sweet little world, and it's a damn good world, that I don't think Chris Farley's very funny at all. And he's still alive... That dude was not funny. Still isn't funny. I can turn his stuff on today, and he's not funny.

We should make a movie about Jesus going back to high school as a friendless nerd

We should make a movie about Jesus going back to school, but he's a nerd and everybody hates him. It's like, what if Jesus went back to high school and he played the French horn and had braces and he couldn't get a handjob? Would you give Jesus a handjob if he was your high school classmate? Then can you really call yourself a Christian?

Russell Wilson has never actually had sex

I'm a Russell Wilson sex truther. I don't think that Russell Wilson's actually had sex. If he has, it's probably through a sheet. He's just not cool enough to have sex.

Kim Jong-un's sister is a 'smoke'

So all the war crimes, all the shit that he does that's terrible... not a big deal because his sister's hot. Everyone was flipping out because Kim Jong-un has a hot sister... his sister's kind of a smoke. His sister's stealing the show. His sister's the Pippa Middleton of the Olympics.

LeBron James forced the Dwyane Wade trade because he is obsessed with 'eating ass'

LeBron James is obsessed with getting his butthole eaten, and that's why he got Dwayne Wade out. [LeBron] wanted to get Dwayne Wade the fuck out of Cleveland because he knows Dwayne Wade's an alpha because he gets his butthole eaten and LeBron doesn't.

Super Bowl commercials are officially overrated

Super Bowl commercials are now, I'm going to throw it in there, overrated. I didn't laugh at a single commercial this year... All the commercials these days are just giant corporations just jerking off talking about the good thing they did.

Tom Brady kissing his son on the mouth was way too much

Tom Brady kisses his son on the mouth. And when, like, I mean kiss on the mouth, it's like pretty, pretty, pretty kiss. ... This was too much.

Becca M will get her own spinoff show from The Bachelor

Becca doesn't need Ari at all... I think I love Becca's coming, or at least she's going to wind up being The Bachelorette... She's the favorite right now, and I think she's going to wind up getting the spinoff show.

We need to take back Thanksgiving and make sure that only America celebrates it

Shocker of all shockers, Canada does Thanksgiving. They do. What the fuck? And it's before ours. They cucked our Thanksgiving. We need to take back Thanksgiving and make sure that only America celebrates Thanksgiving.

Debating whether Die Hard is a Christmas movie is the worst argument on Twitter

My other hot seat is people who want to debate Die Hard being a Christmas movie because I do not give a fuck. That actually might be the worst Twitter argument that goes on now. Is Die Hard a Christmas movie? That was like five years ago and it wasn't interesting then and it's still even more uninteresting now.

Jerry Richardson's heart transplant turned him evil

He actually has a built-in spin zone for himself because he got a heart transplant like five years ago. So it's the other guy's heart. It's not him. It turned him evil.

LaVar Ball is the living embodiment of my 'future me' theory

He is the living embodiment of future me. Yes. Because he, his, his theory is as long as I never admit anything's wrong, then nothing's wrong. Right. Exactly.