Takes

There is nobody in the world less likely to 'mix in a water' than Dana Beers

I actually think like there's nobody less likely to mix in a water than Dana Beers. Right... he better, he should go on a water strike... he has been for the last 26 years of his life.

I find myself actually liking LeBron James after watching the 'Starting Five' show on Netflix.

I have been watching, there's a lot episodes, so I'm, I'm not finished with it. But the NBA starting five show on Netflix. ... I do find myself like liking LeBron... He's funny. ... Like he's just, it's just the, he's funny. He's just a big goof.

'Abducted in Plain Sight' is the most jaw-dropping documentary I've ever watched

Whatever you're doing right now, drop everything and watch Abducted in Plain Sight because it is—let's just say it's the most jaw-dropping documentary I've ever watched. Not like a good—it wasn't one of those documentaries where you come across being like, man, I'm really thinking about it. It was awesome. I just said what the fuck probably about 15 times.

Watching porn is like spending time in the film room for baseball players

If I'm a baseball team, I would probably think about going the other way... When you're having sex... what do they tell you to think about? Think about baseball. So actually, the more porn you watch, it's like putting in more time in the film room thinking about baseball.

The AC Slater character in Saved By The Bell was likely a safety

I don't think it was ever established [what position he played]... I really don't. I mean, I don't know. I guess he'd probably be like a safety... AC Slater's an awesome safety.

Watching the Real Housewives and the OC is okay

I'm a little more grown up, I do happen to watch and enjoy from time to time the Real Housewives series. Only the New York. Atlanta? I like Atlanta. Crazy. Countess? Crazy.

The 'elite' label came from winning games without gaudy stats — people wear the sweatshirt both sincerely and as a joke, and either way it's fun

I was winning a bunch of games in Baltimore, but my stats were never gonna fly off the stat sheet. We were winning games because we had a formula with how we won games. ... The funny thing is, is now people could like, listen, I have buddies wearing the sweatshirt because they're like, yeah, damn right he's elite. And I have detractors that are out there probably using it as a joke. ... Either way it's a story and I have a lot of fun with it.

Dog the Bounty Hunter will find Brian Laundrie before the FBI.

Dog the Bounty Hunter is on the trail of Brian Laundrie. ... What happens if Dog finds him before the FBI? He absolutely will. He's Dog the Bounty Hunter. ... Dog's like knocking on his parents [door]. ... It's over. Dog's on the case. It's done.

JJ Watt still manually buys and alphabetizes music on iTunes

JJ Watt would be a guy who buys music still in 2016. Right. He spends $9.99 for every album and he's got like a very careful, everything's in like perfect order on his iTunes alphabetized. He's got the album artwork set up and everything.

Jesus is the greatest comeback ever because he got crossed up and came back three days later

My first one is going to be Jesus... Jesus got crossed up, came back three days later. Pretty impressive. Saved all of humanity. So a little disrespectful on your guys' account, not picking Jesus, number one.

Watching Monday Night Raw for a Stone Cold appearance is better than watching The Bachelorette

It's so lame that people watch that show [The Bachelorette]. Be a real man and watch three hours of Monday Night Raw just so that Stone Cold [Steve Austin] can come out for the last five seconds... I did that last night.

Game of Thrones is for nerds and we watch sports instead

Game of Thrones for nerds. We watch sports. You watch your little fantasy land shit. If we're going to call you a nerd, we're going to call you a nerd and you're going to fucking like it... The real nerds are the people that don't watch it.

Nikki Glaser was the best roaster and Ben Affleck was the worst at the Tom Brady Roast

I thought Nikki Glaser was the best because anytime you have a roast, like the professional comedians, you could just see why they're professional comedians... I thought Ben Affleck was the weirdest and worst. It was really strange. He spent 10 minutes yelling about like an anonymous Bills fan.

Helen Keller was not actually deaf and could hear everything

She could hear everything. Yeah. She just couldn't speak or see... [Her parents] are tell some Tell Tales... Great commitment to the bit.

Dude Perfect is essentially a kids' show and I would rather have my son watch them than anything else on the internet.

It's a fucking kid's show. ... If my son shows me when he's nine years old, like 'Check out this, Dad, I found this,' I'm like, 'Good,' because I'd rather you watch this than whatever's out on the fucking internet. ... This is the good path for like a regular young kid.

Nobody is lining up to learn about Karl Malone — go watch Tiger King or some shit

I don't think there's nobody lining up out there wanting to know about Carl Malone, so why boring with that? Let's watch the Tiger King or some shit like that.

The Oscars are better without a host

No host is the future. Way better. No stupid gimmicks, you know, when they deliver pizzas or do the selfies or whatever the fuck happens when you run out of bits two hours into the Oscars.

I'm rooting for Travis Kelce to propose to Taylor Swift on the jumbotron to watch the internet break

The one thing I am rooting for is I hope Travis Kelce proposes Taylor Swift. That would be awesome on the field after... I root for it because all the swifties would have to do mental gymnastics to be like, that's so cute... I want it like to be on the jumbotron and then Swifties have to be like, that's so beautiful.

The world would have more in common if everyone sat down and watched Jackass together

I still to this day... I think that you could take Jackass, you could show it to ISIS and they would laugh their balls off. They would, it would actually bring the world together. If we could just have a set aside two hours where everybody in the world sits down and watch Jackass, and we'd be like, you know what? We got a lot more in common than maybe we thought.

The Watt brothers could beat the Gronkowski brothers in a fight

Do you think that the Watt brothers could take the [Gronkowskis]? ... I don't know, man. Isn't there, isn't there like a new UFC where they have like five verse five? ... We need to get two extra Watts when you guys could join in. [Big Cat]: Yes. [TJ Watt]: You guys would kick our ass, correct? [Big Cat]: Yes.

Joey Chestnut is the best eater of all time in the history of the world

Everybody eats. Joey Chestnut is the best person, the best eater of all time in the history of the world. He needs to be rich for that fact.

Bran Stark is an annoying character who ruins every scene he is in

Bran, I hope that fuck gets skull fucked in the middle of the field because he's so awkward. It's the guy in the wheelchair. I know Lieutenant Bran. He's so annoying. He ruins every scene.

Binging a TV show is much better than watching it week-by-week

This is my big, i I like binging shows. I like just diving right into 'em. I don't know how people can watch a show like I gave up on House of Dragon. Yeah. Because I watched the first season and then it was four years and I was like, I don't remember fucking shit. I'm out.

Watching deep-fake porn of your friends is a lifestyle choice, not a moment of weakness.

I've never clicked on a link being like, I want to jack off to my friends. That's not really, that sounds like a lifestyle choice. Not a moment of weakness.

Fast and Furious is the best movie franchise to watch while stoned

I don't think that there's a franchise of movies that's better to watch stoned in your entirety than Fast and the Furious.

I would only watch gladiator fights to the death if the participants were all criminals.

They've got to be criminals. So my conscience can, yeah, they have to either be pot smokers or Adderall abusers. Criminals, you know, criminals.

I will start watching the show 'Dave' by next Wednesday

By the time I speak to you on next Wednesday's show, within the next week, I will have started Dave. That's my resolution... I'm going to be able to fulfill on two out of those three [goals] already and three out of three by next week.

The character we saw at the end of the Severance finale was actually Outie Helly

I feel like the real theory is that it's Outie Helly at the end of the episode. Because she brings him in back and smiled at Gemma. And Irv said Innie Helly was never cruel. And it was kind of a cruel looking smile when she looked at Gemma and was like, 'I won.'

Survivor is the most popular and broadly watched reality show of all time

The most popular reality show of all time and one that every single person has ever watched, Survivor. I mean, it's hard to go against. I've watched seasons and been like, this show's awesome.

Everyone who watches Game of Thrones is a nerd

Everyone that watches Game of Thrones. Yeah. Ooh. Yeah. Did you hear about Game of Thrones? Yeah. Do you want me to tell you? I've been reading spoilers.

Noah Lyles has every right to brag about being the fastest man on Earth after winning Olympic gold

She had a take, can you really brag about being the fastest person on earth if you win a race by 0.005 seconds?... I think [Noah Lyles] can if you win the gold medal.

Peter Weber is not cut out for the bright lights of being The Bachelor

Pete's acting like a mopey little bitch. ... He's crying over the fact that these girls... He can't handle the drama. He doesn't want any of the smoke. But he also signed up to be The Bachelor. He's not cut out for the bright lights.

Paul Walter Hauser should play Andy Reid in a movie about the coach's life

One [project] would be him [Paul Walter Hauser] playing Andy Reid in the Andy Reid story. I think he'd crush that.

Paul Walter Hauser will be one of the biggest actors in the world within the next 10 years

I think you will be like one of the biggest actors in the world in the next 10 years. You should be, you should be.

The Game of Thrones series finale will end with everyone turning into happy zombies

Everything else is fine. All right. That's the M. Night Shyamalan twist... Everybody just turns into a zombie and they're happy forever. They can't go in water, so you at least have that.

The Las Vegas Sphere is a mind-blowing experience that exceeds all high expectations

Anyone who is thinking about going to the Sphere, do it. It was mind-blowing. The expectations were high and they blew them out of the water. I did have that thought of like, will I ever be able to go back to real life because it was that cool.