Takes

The altitude on airplanes causes people to cry during movies

I was tearing up [at the F1 movie]. It's the altitude. The altitude. I didn't even like the movie that much, but the end got me and they like, oh, it's 'cause you were on a plane. That's a thing.

I am offering a $10,000 bounty to find the UNC staffer who punched a Duke staffer

I will not sleep until we find this UNC staffer who punched one of your guys... Let's put a bounty on it. I will offer $5,000. [PFT]: I'll match. [Big Cat]: $10,000 if anyone can find the UNC person who punched a Duke staffer after the game. $10,000 cash. Give us the footage leading to their arrest.

I am facing a potential '10-day termination' from my apartment after a meeting with my landlord

Had a really constructive meeting with my building... but he introduced a new term. I was not familiar with a 10 day termination... next time it's like, it's a 10 day legal 10 day. Wow. I didn't know 10 day was a thing.

No one ever needs to actually 'check out' of a hotel

I've never checked out of a hotel in my entire life... The most I've ever done is once in a while... put your room key in here when you leave. Other than that... I think I threw it in the trash.

The James Madison vs. Oregon playoff game is not a health and safety issue

Bud Elliot said that it was possibly a health and safety issue... he was like, I'm worried for the health and safety of JMU playing against Oregon... Stop saying it's a health and safety issue. Okay... fuck it, let's go win the game.

James Franklin is leaving Penn State to become the head coach at Virginia Tech

James Franklin is using the Penn State private jet to move to Blacksburg... I am so pumped that of course. That's the other reason why a jet would go there... I do think that [James Franklin] is gonna be the next coach... somewhere else next year.

The Barstool office ice cream machine will finally be operational by Wednesday

99% chance there will be soft serve... We will be experiencing ice cream before July 4th break. Wednesday is when I want... Wednesday.

It is not gay to take a shower in a gym locker room after a workout

I finally look up, I'm like, is he yelling at me? And he's staring at me... 'bro, what the fuck are you doing? What the fuck is this gay shit, bro, you gonna shower?'... I really do. I love Joey Swoll. Love his content. He's the best. Joey, I need you to weigh in on this. Am I outta line? Should, should. Is it gay as shit to shower after you work out?

It is impossible to have airtight rules for Barstool competitions because people will always find loopholes

Whenever we do any bar stool competition of any kind, you could spend a year... going through all the plans, the preparations, the rules, everything. Within one hour, one of us will find a loophole and be like, this is bullshit. It's just, it's, it's impossible.

The Seahawks are a 'hammer' for a Super Bowl future bet next year

Seahawks Super Bowl future for next year... probably got 30 to one odds right now. I would hammer it.

Vetoing the marathon was a mistake; the nine-darter challenge is going to be significantly harder

I should have vetoed the nine Darter. Yeah. And I didn't. And now I am going to deal with the consequences of my own action... I am concerned that at a certain point my arm is gonna get like to a point where I can't throw... The marathon would've been the much easier choice.

I will not be able to shoot 20 three-pointers in a row

I misinterpreted what the initial discussion was. I'm not gonna be able to shoot 20 threes in a row. That's it... 20 for 20, which is impossible. I think 20 for 25 is possible. Obviously that's not what we discussed.

I will get a cat and shave my face if PFT Commenter beats me in a three-point contest

I don't want to own a cat, but I also you also know I'm gonna beat PFT... [If PFT beats me] I'll do it. I accept. [A cat and shave my face].

Opting out of the lottery ball should be grounds for losing your job

If you Opt outta a lottery ball, you're opting outta the booth. Is that what you're doing? And then you might be opting outta your job. I don't understand this. Hank is the very definition of grace. You could complain, you could bitch... You can't Opt out.

I can throw a fastball 64 miles per hour

What how fast do you think my fastest pitch was? [64]. Oh boy. That's gonna be a lot of home runs... I guess [my fastest was 64].

I am betting against LSU because they are using a fake Mike the Tiger on the sidelines

It appears that they are now bringing a tiger back onto their sidelines... it seems like it might be a fake mike, the tiger that they're putting on the sidelines, because people took pictures... and they compared the stripes and they think that it's a duplicate Mike. It's a fake Mike the tiger... in which case I am going to be betting against LSU.

The Commanders fleeced the Eagles in the Jahan Dotson trade

We're fleecing the Eagles. Big time. You bunch of bald eagles over there got fleeced so hard. [Dotson] was fighting for the second spot... he was I think losing that competition to Martavis Bryant.

I would rather buy new clothes than walk through a spider-infested hallway to do laundry

I have to share that laundry room with three other units... there's spiders all the way up and down the wall... I'm afraid to go down there... So I bought new clothes, bought just essential stuff.

Gregg Berhalter is a shitty coach

Our coach stinks. And having him get this tie against Brazil is gonna—because we are a loser country in soccer—[make people think] Greg's got the team on the right track and he's not gonna be fired... I do know that it's gonna be bad news if he's the coach of the World Cup team.

If the Celtics win the championship, I am going to shave my head

If the Celtics win the championship, I am gonna shave my head. So maybe I'll get a taste of what that looks like. ... I'm gonna start trying to do some preemptive [hair loss] things. I'm probably gonna stop wearing a hat as much.

Billy Football is a legitimate candidate for Congress and is taking it seriously

I regret to inform you Billy football is a hundred percent legitimately running for this seat. And my fire Fest is that I feel like Oppenheimer, that by, by putting this into motion, I've affected the course of the United States for the foreseeable future.

I am going to pimp out Vanny Woodhead and bring the van back to life in Chicago

We are going to get Vanny to Chicago. We have, we're in a different financial situation than we were six years ago. So I'm gonna probably put some money into this Vanny, pimp it out, figure out how to make it technically exist again. And now we'll have Vanny back in our lives. Like this trip to Indy would've been a perfect, let's just hop in Vanny. Yeah. So we're I Vanny is back.

I lied about destroying Vanny Woodhead; I have been keeping it for years

Technically it's destroyed. Legally it's chopped up. But I kind of... I didn't have the heart to chop it up, so I just been keeping it... I was like, every time it was an excuse I used to not follow through with chopping it up.

I am returning to a private lifestyle because the internet ruined the Tiffany Gomas content

I will definitely be going back to, to zero dark private life mode... because it's fun. I enjoy it and, and you know, 99% of the people are fun. They play along... But then there's the 1% of people, people that will DMM and, and, and, and just go way over the top.

I failed my own podcast production system by not pressing publish

I was the one who did not press the publish button... The system broke, but the, the system will not break again... My system is that I check before I do the [tweet]. I'll never tweet the tweet without seeing, seeing. It's up on, on Apple... I broke my system.

The Cubs will not make the playoffs after their September collapse

The Cubs have had just an epic collapse. The Cubs are most likely not going to make the playoffs because they don't have any tiebreakers. Suzuki just missed a ball, it went right by him. Easy catch. There's nothing worse than a September collapse.

I cannot run a 5K in under 33 minutes

I'm not gonna be able to run under 33 minutes. I'm not gonna be able to do that and I can't do that. Physically... I'm going to end up, I'm gonna get an injury.

Justin Fields predicting he will throw for 4,000 yards in 2023 will only lead to more Bears fan misery

Justin Fields said he's gonna throw over 4,000 yards this year. And then it just triggered the reaction online being like, 'Oh my God, the Bears have never had a 4,000 yard passer.' And also if he doesn't throw over 4,000 yards this year, then it's gonna be like, oh, they still don't. So that sucked.

I am going to start taking Ozempic to lose weight.

I'm just gonna go on Ozempic. I don't fucking care. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it and I'm gonna tell everyone to do it and then I'm gonna look hot and then I'll get off of it and then I'll gain it all back. Drop like 25 pounds and then just slowly gain it back.

Punxsutawney Phil is a fraud and a 'wannabe Greta Thunberg'

My big fire fest is really for America... because you guys are letting a groundhog ruin your day today. Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow... be a fucking man... I'm going to wear shorts and short-sleeve t-shirts just to show that little wannabe Greta Thunberg telling me the sky is falling.

I am having a third child and I purposefully conceived to ensure it wouldn't be born during football season

I'm having another child, so congrats. Father three loading... early June... Are you purposely conceiving for the off-season? I mean, yeah... it's nice not having children during football season. I am a football guy.

I will cut my hair short by the summer if it doesn't improve

I'm dealing with my hair issue... noticeably thinning out back there. I've made the executive decision if it doesn't improve by the summer, we're taking it off. We're going short... I got my own blood injected into my head earlier today... if I haven't turned it around by then, gotta come home.

Surviving COVID-19 three times makes my body a dynasty against the virus

I'm a back-to-back two-time Covid survivor. I'm about to make it a dynasty. This would be my third covid survival in two years, which I believe puts my body in a dynasty against the Coronavirus.

The New York Yankees were given juiced baseballs for Aaron Judge's home run chase

A report came out saying that the Yankees were beneficiaries of having juice balls all last year. The Yankees were getting juice balls. Asterisks on his home run record, on his AL home run record. I mean, Jake, how can you discount that? They were purposely giving the best balls in baseball to the New York Yankees last year.

Buffalo are the only animals that walk into snowstorms rather than away from them

Buffalo [is] the only animal that goes towards snow storms. It'll [walk] towards the storm while other animals go away from it. That's got a rock. I like that's like pretty [hardcore].

We are banned from the Beacon Theater because of James Dolan

Part of my take was slated to do a live show in New York city at the beacon theater... I just got information that that date has been pulled from us because James Dolan owns the beacon theater. And we are the fucking bad boys of podcasting. We're banned from the beacon theater because of James Dolan.

I was the first to report that Trevor Penning is a savage

There's this dude I've been watching since early college... Trevor Penning. I kind of feel like one of those guys, like I was following them when they're small. So now basically he just got kicked out of Saints camp for going too hard. He's an absolute animal... now everyone's on it... I was there when he was doing this. Just make sure the internet knows that Billy had it first.

Neutrogena has discontinued the face wash I have used my entire life

I'm pretty sure the face wash I've been using my whole life has been discontinued... probably like middle school. And I've gone to like five or six CVSs... Neutrogena website, sorry for the inconvenience we're sold out. On Amazon it's going for $70. I've transferred to Cetaphil.

I have harder and tougher hands than Billy Football

I honestly I'll I'll like disavow my own title. I have stronger and tougher hands than [Billy Football]. I don't want the title. I don't want the belt. Admitting I have soft hands... they're soft. But you don't have hard hands. You are not as tough as you think you are.

John Sterling's botched home run calls are so bad he should consider retiring

Stanton hit a bomb, but not deep enough... 'high, far, gone, but caught' is what the call was. Hilarious. Like just a funny clip on the other end. Yankee fans... not exactly the clip you would put on a hypothetical resume. Right? Some people saying he needs to hang them up... His eyes are shot.

Losing to UNC in Coach K's final game will haunt me for the rest of my life

Whenever I'm happy, whenever anything goes in my life, whenever I'm feeling good or like something Patriots, Celtics, whatever it may be. I just know that Daniel Katz is gonna just at any chance he gets be like, 'Hey, remember when we killed coach K and the final four and UNC beat Duke in their last two games.' And it's just going to bring me down.

I will be a shell of a human being by Monday due to my March Madness diet

I'm going to be a fucking trash disposal. I'm going to be a dumpster. My body's going to be broken at the end of this weekend, I'm going to feel so bad. I'm going to have bad bowel movements. I'm probably going to ship blood... I am going to be a shell of a human being Monday.

Fresh Skyline Chili is absolute gas and tastes like Mediterranean food

Skyline is actually fire... Didn't have Skyline from Cincinnati before. I had it from the cans and I didn't really like it. Got some fresh Skyline. It's absolute gas. It kind of tastes like Mediterranean food. Literally. Like the chili gives off like – hero [gyro] vibes.

Bruce Arians is one of the few coaches doing the Rooney Rule the right way

I wanted to give credit to Bruce Arians for being a guy that I think we need more of, guys who will hire minorities and then proactively be like hey you have to interview this guy you have to give him a shot... I think that's really the only way is to just have more people that aren't just like in the old boys club.

The CAA banning James Madison from postseason tournaments is total fraud

The Colonial Athletic Association is a bunch of frauds, and they banned James Madison University from their postseason tournaments because JMU is leaving to go to the Sun Belt... they're taking the monetary thing out on the students... it's bullshit.

I am going to partially ditch wearing my sunglasses on camera

I told him something that I've been thinking about for a while here, which is the sunglasses at, at some point can be a big hindrance to me... So I'm trying to think of ways to partially lose the glasses. And I'm also thinking that people are going to be pissed when they see my eyes, at least for a little bit. Not because they're like free guys. I think I'm a pretty normal looking guy.

Billy Football will not have a six-pack for next year's Grit Week either

I'm not trying to be a hater, but I don't think you'll have a six-pack for next grit week either. [to Billy Football]

The Pi Coin cryptocurrency is officially a pyramid scheme and a scam

That Pi coin I was telling everyone to do is a scam. Yo. Basically it's sort of a big kind of pyramid scheme mask type thing. What made you think it was a pyramid scheme? Was it the fact that you had to get other pioneers to make yourself more Pi? That, and you know, the sort of pyramid part of it.

Giving blood is the best way to save money on drinking

But the great thing about giving blood is if you give blood, you get drunk off like half a beer afterwards. So it's actually very economical. I'm just trying to be an ambassador for health.

I will be the play-by-play announcer for the PLL doubleheader on July 31st

It is happening. July 31st, a doubleheader. I'm [on] Peacock. I will be doing the play-by-play. It would not be possible without all of you guys in here. Paul Rabil was a big advocate.