Takes

Swag Kelly is the most talented quarterback on the Denver Broncos roster

Billy Football first reported that [Swag Kelly] is the most talented quarterback on that roster. Yes. And I love kind of the wildcard-ness that Swag brings. His name's Swag Kelly. He is the epitome of a wildcard.

Facebook is officially done as a relevant company

I'm calling my shot. I'm going to put the PFT death stake is going into Facebook right now. Wow. They're done. Have you been on Facebook recently? No. It's trash... it's all ants, trolls, and ants.

I am the fashion icon who introduced the French Levi's shirt trend to America

I noticed, not to brag, I was over in France... everybody wears this Levi's shirt. It's like a really big fashion thing. And so it's going to come over to the U.S., and I'm calling my shot. I'm going to be the first one in the U.S. to start wearing it. So then when you see all these famous people wear it, be like, yo, PFT actually introduced that to the United States.

The Cleveland Cavaliers will make the playoffs as a 7 or 8 seed this year without LeBron James

I think the Cavs are going to make the playoffs. That's my hot take. I think they're going to be like a 7 or an 8 seed.

Yadier Molina will be the next player-manager for the St. Louis Cardinals.

Yadier's going to be the new player manager. That's what my sources are telling me.

Paul George is going to sign with the Lakers

[Speaker 3] (25:30-25:31) My cool throne is the Lakers. [Speaker 3] (25:34-25:38) And Paul George is going to L.A. to take a meeting. [Speaker 3] (27:55-27:58) Yeah, I think Paul George is going to L.A.

Real dinosaurs will be recreated within five years

A famed paleontologist, Dr. Jack Horner... came out and said that we're only five years from actually recreating real dinosaurs. Using chickens.

IPAs give you man boobs because they are full of estrogen

It feels like the weirdest things have estrogen in them, right? Like IPAs now give you tits. [PFT: Yeah, well, that's been true for a while.]

The Cubs should throw at the Pirates for failing to throw at Anthony Rizzo

The Pirates neglected to enforce an unwritten rule, meaning the Cubs should actually throw at the Pirates today to make them respect the unwritten rule of throwing at Rizzo.

The Seahawks will miss the playoffs because Brandon Marshall is a team curse

Russell Wilson [is on the hot seat] because Brandon Marshall has signed with the Seahawks. And when Brandon Marshall goes, teams don't go to the playoffs. He's never made the playoffs, right? Never made the playoffs.

Lauri Markkanen will average 50 points per game by his eighth season

Dirk's peak was 26 points per game. If you do the math, by Lauri's eighth season, he's going to be averaging 50 points a game.

Indiana basketball is back because they signed Romeo Langford

My cool throne is Indiana basketball. So they signed Romeo Langford, the number one recruit in the nation. His minister said that Romeo is like Abraham Lincoln. So, I mean, it's going to be huge.

LeBron James will probably lose to the Pacers in the first round (but maybe not)

Not only is [LeBron James] about to lose to the Pacers in the first round, which will be embarrassing for him... Probably not.

The Egyptian pyramids were built just to keep the Jewish people busy

The Egyptian pyramids were just a way to keep Jewish people busy. So Pharaoh was just like, I need something to do to keep these guys busy and build these fucking rock piles.

The NFL should fine quarterbacks for receiver head injuries if the pass leads them into danger

Micah Hyde... came up with a new idea that actually makes a lot of sense about finding players for helmet-to-helmet hits. He thinks that quarterbacks should be fined for their receivers getting hit in the head if the quarterback leads them into danger. I don't hate it.

I am nervous that Scott Frost is building a powerhouse at Nebraska

I'm very nervous about Nebraska... We're going to walk into Nebraska and Scott Frost is going to build an 11-win team. And I'm going to be very, very upset about it.

The fact that Andrew Luck isn't healthy proves that books are officially junk science

He says that he's been reading a lot as part of his rehab. Nerd. So he's been reading a lot of books and nurturing himself with literature. The fact that he hasn't gotten better means that books are officially junk science, right? If that's his treatment course.

The Yodeling Walmart Boy will eventually be found to be problematic

The yodeling Walmart boy. At some point, he's going to be problematic, right? ... I've seen this story play out on the internet enough. Someone in his family has a Confederate flag Facebook profile, and everyone's going to turn on him and be like, man, this kid is problematic.

Duke will win the 2019 national championship with Zion Williamson

2019 Duke national champions. No even reason to play the season. You can just mark it down right now. Duke is winning the title next year.

The NFL should reschedule Valentine's Day for the Sunday after the Super Bowl

Reschedule Valentine's Day for the Sunday after the Super Bowl. So you can have your one day with the family. And then, bam, right back into football before President's Day. Make it a national holiday.

Butler is doomed in the tournament because live animals aren't allowed in the stadium

In the first two rounds of this tournament, there will be zero live animals allowed into the buildings. So there are going to be tons of teams that don't have their live bulldog mascots. Butler's fucked.

Limiting pass interference penalties to 15 yards will cause receivers to be 'mugged' downfield

It's going to be like the purge for the Seahawks receivers more than 15 yards downfield. ... the NFL is going to create a new law that's going to have like a million unintended consequences to it.

I want to take out high interest loans to invest in Steven Seagal's Bitcoin 2Gen

I don't want to overreact, but I want to take out some high interest loans just so I can invest them in Steven Seagal's Bitcoin [2Gen]. That's how confident I am in this.

Nebraska is back because Scott Frost is hospitalizing players with Rabdo

Nebraska is back. Nebraska is back in a very, very big way. Scott Frost just implemented his conditioning program at Nebraska. And he got two players were hospitalized... with Rabdo, which means they're building up some muscles out there. That's a culture change.

The Rockets can take down the Warriors if they stay hot and the Celtics steal one on the road

I am officially saying, as of this date, January 31st, I'm a believer that the Rockets, if they get hot for a couple games... Hank was explaining how the Celtics can beat the Warriors in the NBA Finals... you just win two games and then you just get lucky for two games... I'm a believer if they get hot at the right time, they're going to take down the Warriors.

John Gruden is a ginger, which technically makes him a minority

John Gruden's a ginger, so technically a minority. Who knows? But the bottom line is the NFL has ruled they did not violate [the Rooney Rule].

Dirk Nowitzki is just a poor man's Lauri Markkanen

Fastest player in history to 100 3-pointers, Lauri Markkanen, the Finn Reaper... I actually think it's reversed now. Dirk is just a junkyard Lauri. He's a poor man's [Lauri].

Ben McAdoo is a perfect hire for the Cleveland Browns coaching staff

The Cleveland Browns are officially back because they look like they're going to hire Ben McAdoo, offensive coordinator. I can't think of a better move than the guy who basically made every wrong decision in New York... You're going to fit in perfectly, Ben.

Rodrigo Blankenship will be a third-round pick because he wears glasses

Rodrigo [Blankenship] understands more than most that if you just have a thing as a college athlete you skyrocket your draft appeal. So if he didn't have those glasses, he probably would be maybe a sixth, seventh round pick. He's probably going in the third round because he's the kicker with the glasses.

James Harrison is a double agent sent by the Steelers to infiltrate the Patriots

I almost think that he's a double agent, that the Steelers sent him in there... To give fake play calls... James Harrison was saying he was so pissed off at Mike Tomlin... It's like that episode of Homeland where Carrie testified that she hated the CIA and then she went to a mental institution.

Giving Sean McVay credit for the Rams is like giving 311 credit for inventing reggae; it's Jeff Fisher's squad

Giving Sean McVay credit for this team is like giving 311 credit for inventing reggae. This is Jeff Fisher's squad. This is his team. He invented this team.

I am giving up masturbation to get an edge for my upcoming fight

I've decided to give up masturbation. So for those who don't know, Hank is actually fighting. It's a real fight, Rough N Rowdy. December 15th. I need every edge I can get.

Bitcoin is the future and will replace physical money

You think that the dollar bill's in your pocket right now? You think they're going to last forever? You think money's going to last forever? Okay, so Bitcoin's the future, baby. There's not going to be money in the future. There's going to be Bitcoin.

The Celtics have officially overtaken the Patriots as the heart of Boston

My hot seat is the New England Patriots. They're no longer the best team in Boston anymore. The Celtics have won 14 straight. They've captured the heart of the city. Many people are asking who's going to be the next team to lose, the Patriots or the Celtics. I honestly don't know.

Jeff Fisher is the perfect candidate for the UCLA coaching job

I am so excited for Jeff Fisher to possibly be in our life. Not only is it... It would be so perfect for him to be in the Pac-12 because we would get that 10:30 kickoff time. College football is perfect for Jeff Fisher because if you go 6-6, you go to a bowl game. He rolls out of bed bowl eligible. That would be amazing.

The Cleveland Browns will run the table and make the playoffs

Cleveland Browns are still very much alive to make the playoffs. They run the table. They don't control their own destiny, though. Hey, Cleveland Browns fans, R-E-L-A-X. You're going to run the table. You'll be fine.

The FBI is sniffing around Duke basketball

I've heard that the FBI is snooping around, sniffing around Duke.

Philadelphia can't have nice things, so the Eagles' success will eventually fall apart

My hot seat is the Eagles. And this is quick... It just seems like it's too good right now. And Philadelphia can't have nice things.

Joel Embiid is a bad contract because his knees won't let him play

They just paid Joel Embiid like $150 million, even though his knees are terrible and he's probably not going to play.

Eli Manning might get traded to the Jaguars to reunite with Tom Coughlin

Do you hear this one about Eli Manning maybe getting traded to the Jaguars? Because Tom Coughlin. Think about it.

The 'Golden Age' of podcasts is over now that people are making wedding planning podcasts

The couple that met because one was a fan of his podcast and then they're getting married and they're creating a podcast together about going through the wedding planning. That right there is like if you could think of the most stereotypical podcast podcast. It is over, boys. It is all done.

The Titans signing Brandon Weeden creates an immediate quarterback controversy in Tennessee

The Titans signed Brandon Weeden. So that is a QB controversy in the waiting. I love it. I actually have a little stay woke for you... I think the Titans might have done this... to get a little social media play out of this.

NFL ratings are down because players aren't sleeping with Kardashians anymore

Do you think that's why NBA ratings are up and NFL is down because none of the NFL players are sleeping with the Kardashians?

Baylor coach Matt Rhule will be fired by the end of the season and replaced by Lane Kiffin

At the end of the season, this guy [Matt Rhule] gets fired... It's Lane Kiffin's destiny to take over the Baylor program.

No fat football coach has ever won the Super Bowl

It is scientific fact. No fat football coach has ever won the Super Bowl. Think about it. Parcells was skinnier. John Madden was a lot skinnier. Every football guy gets fatter after they retire... Parcells was actually kind of in football guy shape. I'm saying no fat coach. That's why Andy Reid's probably losing all this weight because he's like, fuck, I got to get in shape.

Confirmed: Mike Gundy has shaved his mullet

I've heard the same rumor as you [Hank]... Mike Gundy does not have a mullet anymore. But this is a major Samson and Delilah case here. If he loses his mullet, he loses power.

Robert Griffin III is going to dislocate his patella playing pickup basketball

RG3 was videotaped in a gym... playing against 40-year-old white dudes and just draining buckets all over them. So that can only mean that a Robert Griffin patellar dislocation is right around the corner.

The Vikings officially won the Sam Bradford trade with the Eagles

Sam Bradford, that is an official win for the Vikings in their trade when you said that that was the worst trade ever last year... Teddy Bridgewater might never play football again. Sam Bradford was on fire on Monday night.

Les Miles will replace Magic Johnson as the most obvious tweeter on the internet

Magic, you're on the hot seat. If Les [Miles] starts figuring out how to predict MVPs and stuff, Magic might be out of a job. ... [Les] is giving strict play-by-play of the game. It's like Norm MacDonald doing golf tournament updates.

If Derrick Rose stays healthy this season, the Cavaliers will win the NBA Championship

A lot of people are going to say, if Derrick Rose can stay healthy this year, then the Cavs are going to win. As a matter of fact, if there's anybody out there that's like a deadbeat dad in Cleveland... if Derrick Rose can play a full season... then I'll be your real dad.