Takes

Rats are nastier than pigeons and would win in a fight

Just an all-out rat versus pigeon fight would be fun to watch. Just like who's the nastier animal. I think I got to go rats on that one.

Smoking an analog cigarette is cool as fuck

Smoking a cigarette. Yeah. Smoking a cigarette looks cool. Very harmful. I don't care if it's vape these days, but smoking, smoking, smoking an analog cigarette is cool as fuck. It's cool. It is.

Wedding Crashers is a romantic comedy

I'll probably get some pushback with this, but game on, I think Wedding Crashers, that's a raw romcom. That's a romantic comedy... mostly a story about two bros increasing there... The main driver, the main yeah, the driver becomes yes. Owen Wilson not... when they're on the bikes in the fucking meadow and they're, you know, doing the whole scene.

The iceberg is the ultimate villain of the Titanic story

I'm going to go with the iceberg in Titanic. All time. Villain killed a lot of people... The iceberg fucking hanging out. It smoked like 4,000 people... The iceberg took a charge, right? The iceberg, the ball's going the other way. Worked didn't fucking move. Iceberg had position. That's a fact.

Capitalism is the true villain of the Titanic movie

Billy says capitalism is the villain and Titanic because we're trying to maximize profits instead of safety.

The boy from 'The Giving Tree' is a toxic friend and a 'real prick'

The kid in the giving tree... the kids a real prick... the tree is just honestly, a toxic friend. Is it like, he's a piece of shit. The kid takes every frame, everything from this tree until he cuts the tree down at the end and sits on his like, thank you tree for being here for me when I'm an old man... no you fucking prick. You just killed your best friend.

Cranking the AC as low as possible is the #1 hotel move

Easy 1-1, cranking the AC as low as it can possibly go. That is the number one rule of every hotel room. You get in there. It's not your AC. Pray it goes below 65.

The 'Shampoo Soup' is a top-tier hotel move

This is my patented thing. I might trademark this move, but the shampoo soup. You get in the shower, you just take all of the free complimentary bottles and you just pour them into your hand and just rub it all over your body. Listen, that's not really shampoo. It's not body wash. It's all basically the same thing. You just combine them.

Every hotel room needs two beds so one can be used for luggage and clothes

Using one of the two beds in your room as the bag and clothes bed. Yeah, as a shelf. You just put all your stuff out on there, dirty clothes, that goes on the bed too. It's actually – most bedrooms that are being designed right now in America should have a second bed. Because it's so much easier to just use a bed as that than it is to use a closet or a dresser.

Hotels that set 6 a.m. alarms on the bedside clock are the worst

The worst is when you go to a hotel and you don't even realize that there's an alarm set and it will go off. That happens like once every 10 times, but it's brutal. Like a 6 a.m. alarm and you just have to fucking smash that clock against the wall.

Magic Johnson is the greatest nickname in sports history

I think it's probably the greatest nickname of all time because it just becomes his name. It is Magic Johnson. There is no one better than Magic Johnson. Irvin Johnson becoming Magic. I mean, it's just synonymous.

Tiger Woods' nickname is better than any other because it's synonymous with his dominance

This one is another synonymous name. It's an all time nickname... it is Tiger Woods. He's Eldrick Woods. His nickname is Tiger. It was given to him when he was a kid. There's nothing better. Like when he's in his red shirt on a Sunday hunting down his prey, Tiger Woods.

A girl taking forever to get ready is actually a positive for guys

Taking forever to get ready to go out... as soon as you like as you get older you realize like the timing of things and that's just free time. that's a rain delay that you get for going out that's you know what that time is that sit on the couch and refresh Twitter every two seconds right and not have to feel bad about not feel that at all.

A dog's head tilt is the best thing about having a dog

The inquisitive ears slash look when a noise or, you know, like your dog's like trying to learn something new and they give you that sideways glance. The head tilt. Oh, the best.

Soccer is boring because you cannot use your hands

Soccer... simple, just because any sport that you can't use your hands, that's like 50% of your body and the stuff that are much more important and you can't even use it. You're just running around, at most you're scoring one goal. It's boring as fuck.

The first blast of air conditioning on a super hot day is a top-tier life victory

the first first time you step inside and feel that blast of air conditioning on a super hot day... it just it feels like heaven just had on washes over you.

There is a specific feeling of being in a movie when the perfect song hits at the right time

When you have the perfect song Come On whether it be in the car or when you're walking and you feel like you're in a movie... when that perfect song hits for your mood for the weather for everything and it just feels like you are in the middle of your own movie.

Calamari is a trash appetizer

Calamari. Everyone always orders it. I'm always at tables where they just like, oh, well, just get calamari, assuming I want calamari. I'm just like no... if you don't have sauce, it's disgusting.

Deviled eggs are gross as a party appetizer

I think deviled eggs are gross to eat like an appetizer form. Like if you're out and you eat a deviled egg, it's like okay have cool egg breath for the rest of the fucking night, dude.

The Bloomin' Onion is a disappointment; just order onion rings

Whenever you order it, it's always disappointment. The Bloomin' Onion. Think about it, like why? Just order onion rings.

Bats are the worst animal because they take away things like March Madness

I'm gonna win the strap with first pick because it's the number one most Wanted animal in the world right now his ruined the entire world. It's bats. Bats fucking suck. Fuck bats. ... Secondary take away March Madness. Don't do ecosystems... I will never forget that we didn't get March Madness in 2020.

I'm the number one person in the world at finding open tables at packed bars

I think I'm number one in the world at finding open tables at packed bars or seats in general because of my figure and I don't like to stand very much... I will always find an open table.

Short people take over the world for moments and then are infamous for the rest of history

Short people take over the world. For moments. And then are infamous for the rest of history... Tall people run the world day to day. But ironically, they have to be looking over their shoulder.

No one actually likes dad bods; it's a myth

No one actually likes dad bods. That's such a fucking myth. And to be like, have the glimmer of hope... No, that's not real.

Carolina Blue is the best shade of blue

I'll go Carolina blue. Who doesn't love that? Baby blue. Also, a.k.a.

Gold is more valuable than money

I'm going to go with something better than money, gold. [Gold is more valuable than money.] It is.

Age 100 is the best age because everyone laughs at everything you say

If you get to a hundred, people think you walk on water. I think you're Jesus. [...] Everyone throws you parties. [...] If you're a hundred, people will just laugh at everything you say no matter what. You can go viral at a hundred for just existing.

Chappelle's Show is the greatest TV show of all time

Chappelle's show... Greatest show of all time. Undeniably the number one pick.

The sound of creasing paper is the worst sound in the world

This is a personal one, but the sound of folding paper, like a crease in folding paper... it's the worst sound in the world.

The Monday Night Football outro is one of the worst sounds in sports

Thank you for watching this presentation of the National Football League on a Monday night. That sucks... you just came off a whole Sunday of football, and then that hits, and you're like, well, no more football for another fucking three days.

Melted cheese is the ultimate cheese hack for any food

Any type of cheese, if you melt it on top of something, makes it instantly better. I will go with melted. Just melted.

Nacho cheese is better the more unrealistic and neon it looks

I'm going to go with nacho cheese... I love it the more unrealistic the cheese is. Like the more yellow, the like neon yellow color you get with stadium nachos. Love that shit... like the radioactive goo.

Goat cheese is 'chick cheese' and not for guys

Goat cheese? Are you kidding me? That's chick cheese, bro. I disagree. That's a big time chick cheese.

Drake is not a talented rapper and has 'low T'

I don't get why Drake is pop. I don't really like his music... I don't think he's a talented rapper. They're all slow. He's low T. Drake is very low T... He does the thing where he rhymes the same word with the same word a lot. He's kind of slow. He mumbles. He's got low T. Actually, he's kind of like me.

The goat is the number one farm animal

I'm going to go with the goat... a lot of reasons. I'm thinking logically how much they eat, the reproduction, the price per pound coming from the farm. But the first domesticated animal on earth. And it is the goat. 1, 1. It's quite obvious.

Barefoot people on planes are the most annoying travel people

The barefoot person on the plane. The person who puts their feet up and there are just toes everywhere. It's just gross. I don't care how clean your feet are. When I look at a foot, I assume it's dirty and I imagine the smell even if it doesn't stink.

People who bring hot, smelly food onto planes are assholes

Hot food on the plane guy who brings it in with him. Dude, if you're bringing like a whole Chinese food and then popping it open right when we sit down, you're an asshole. and it smells everywhere, that's the worst.

You should always clap when a plane lands safely

The pilot landed on the ground safely. You just traveled hundreds and hundreds of miles in the air, and you're not going to clap and appreciate what the pilot just did for you? ... Sometimes I ironically will just start a clap. Like I'll do one just to see if I can get it going.

Michael Jordan's competitive drive is the athlete trait I wish I had most

I'll start with Michael Jordan's competitive drive. That will be my number one.

Junior Mints are S-tier because of their scarcity

The one thing I like about Junior Mints, I don't think you can get it everywhere... you go into even a liquor store, you can get a Snickers bar... it's just too easy to get. I like the fact you got to work a little for your Junior Mints.

Sam Cassell would be the perfect athlete to storm Area 51 because the aliens would think he's one of them

My second one, I guess I'll go with Sam Cassell. Just because, you know, maybe if there is any type of, like, maybe these guys are like us, they'll see Sam Cassell and be like, all right, that's an ally.

Winning a bet that was a sure loser is an all-time thrill

Winning a bet that was a sure, sure, sure loser. Like dead in the water. You have an over and it comes back out of nowhere. Where you just wrote it off. That is an all-time thrill.

Smooth by Santana and Rob Thomas is the ultimate #1 summer song

Smooth. Carlos Santana and Rob Thomas. 20 years ago. It feels like it came out yesterday. It does. The way that they play it on every sporting event.

Blue Sky by The Allman Brothers is the best summer car song

Allman Brothers, Blue Sky. When that song hits, when you're in the car, oof, nothing better, nothing better.

Step Brothers is a movie that holds up perfectly between commercial breaks on TV

Step Brothers is so rewatchable. You know what's crazy? When I first saw Step Brothers I didn't think it was that good but now if you see it on TV every scene every like in between commercial breaks holds up on its own and you have to watch the whole thing.

Sports only drive bar business about 70 days a year

Sports will only fill a bar about 70 days a year... And a lot of people think, oh, but a sports bar, they come every night. That's not true. They don't come for every baseball game, only postseason. They don't come for every NBA game, only postseason...tops 70, 80 days.

Women over 34 need backs on barstools, while younger women prefer stools without them

When you have women over 34, you put her back on a barstool... Under 34, you don't. And the reason why is over 34, women get very sensitive about their asses... Under 34, I want you to spin around for interactivity.

A cross breeze is better than using air conditioning

Listen, son. You can just open up the windows on both sides. You get a great cross breeze through the house. It's the same thing as having AC on. ... Cross breeze is better than the AC.

October is the best month of the year

October... it is the best month of the year. You have the fall, you have football being awesome, you have playoff baseball, you have NBA and NHL, it is the only month where all four sports are playing.

The 'Pacific Ocean' is superior to the 'Atlantic Ocean' because it is twice the size

My number two, Pacific Ocean. Pacific Ocean, twice the size of the Atlantic Ocean. Has, like, Hawaii, all that cool shit. You could be a cool Cali teen in the Pacific Ocean.