Takes

The new Space Jam movie isn't worth seeing because Lola Bunny is no longer 'thick.'

Lola Bunny is no longer thick. It sucks... I don't think I'm going to go see the new Space Jam. If I can't get aroused to a cartoon character in a movie about basketball, then I don't think it's worth my money buying a ticket.

Eating salads for a week caused my kidney stones

Bottom line is no more salads. I fucked up by eating salads for a week and now look at me. I'm passing a kidney stone... My inside is like the Infinity Stones.

Chapstick is one of the biggest scams in America

I present to you one of the biggest scams in America. Chapstick. I keep losing mine. It is impossible to finish a stick. You have to buy a new one every week. Do you know anyone who's ever finished a chapstick?

Mike Greenberg has successfully executed a power play for every major job at ESPN

Mike Greenberg, they just announced he's going to be doing the NFL draft. Oh, great. Another show for him. More Greeny. All Greeny all the time. He seriously has had a power play for every job at ESPN.

Hank faked a fart noise on a soundboard to get more views for Stool Streams

I actually think that Hank had like a sound board in the truck, a fart board. Piped it in to get more views on his little video that he was putting out. And then he wrote like two blogs about it and he's tried to squeeze content out of it.

Vacation shaming is always wrong

Vacation shaming in all forms is wrong. That's my stance. I just, you know, I'm on the front lines of vacations everywhere.

Politicians should not be allowed on Twitter at all

I do think that politicians just should not be on Twitter at all. I've seen way too much of politicians dunking on other politicians. People that are in the Senate and House of Representatives spend like 90% of their time thinking about how they can get retweets.

Billy Football's 285-pound bench press max is embarrassing

Billy actually said hovering around 285, which means he doesn't bench 285, which 285 is embarrassing... for a guy that spent four years in a weight program in high school and then three years in a weight program in college.

Holding a baby is the perfect cover for committing a crime

I think I need to get into a life of crime using my son as like pretty much... a prop... The guy looked at me and he was like 'this guy... is a dad he can't steal.'

I am the alpha of the show because I squat and bench more than everyone else in the room

I 100% squat and bench more than anybody in this room. And because of that, I think that makes me the alpha.

Robot dogs will eventually turn on their owners when Jeff Bezos activates a 'serious switch' via Alexa

I'm just afraid that these robot dogs are going to fall into the wrong hands. You're going to have a robot in your house and he will turn on you. It's going to be Jeff Bezos hitting the 'serious switch'—the Alexa switch. We already have robot dog whistles inside our homes right now and that's going to activate them.

Ages 21 through 26 are the 'prime stains' years for a man's clothing

I would expect that at 23 years old, you would have some just random stains on you... I'd say if you're 23, I would expect that to. It's like 21 through 26 is that's Prime stains.

Social distancing is great because it eliminates the possibility of the 'awkward white guy dap'

I actually don't mind this new normal because one it eliminates the possibility of the awkward white guy dap, which is huge. And two, you don't have to worry about getting caught in between like a handshake and like a pat on the back... the idea of saying like 'hey, I'm [PFT]'... and you're just standing like 7 feet away from each other... it just sucks.

NBA 'Oura' rings prove that the wealthy have access to secret medical technology

Why doesn't everybody have a titanium ring that will tell you 3 days in advance if you're going to get [the virus]? It essentially confirms what we all knew but didn't fully know that rich people just have medicine and technology that the rest of us can't have access to that will keep them alive forever.

Netflix's Outer Banks is a bad show that is also good

I like Outer Banks. It's such a bad show. It's so bad. It's become good. It reminds me of all my favorite action movies with Steven Seagal and Jean-Claude Van Damme... it is so bad, and I'm learning nothing. I'm getting dumber.

Porn sites are pushing specific genres to collect blackmail dirt on the entire country

I think that the porn sites have been complicit recently... on most major porn sites, they feature heavily the whole stepson-stepdaughter dynamic even if you never click on those videos and watch them, they're pushing those on you. I think that they've been doing that so that now they know that anyone that's been to one of these websites has either accidentally or on purpose clicked on one of those, so they have dirt on everybody in America almost.

Video games should only be played with a controller, regardless of PC or Console

I play video games with a controller. Like I'll never play video games... [without a controller]. Video games we play with a controller. Yes. I don't want to hear anything different.

Darren Rovell's Kate Upton story is actually a flex on his 'talent scouting' ability

Darren Ravel posting this literally has nothing to do with him wanting to have sex with Kate Upton. It's just him trying to flex on everybody and being like I I recognize that this woman was going to be very attractive... I have a great eye for talent.

The legal system would break if everyone collectively stopped responding to jury summons.

What if we all just stopped going to jury summons? They can't bring in new juries to try us. Solidarity. They also can't arrest people right now. That's illegal. If a police officer tries to arrest you, you can arrest him.

Twitter is losing a step because it takes them four years to copy features like Stories

This tells me that Twitter is absolutely losing a step if it took them like three and a half four years to copy a feature on another platform. You got to do that shit within like six months instantly.

Medium Rare Plus is a legitimate and superior steak temperature

PFT, you just won't believe me that medium rare plus exists, even though every time we go somewhere I order it and the waitress here... they always say yes. [Restaurants] will always err on the side of rare [when you order medium rare], so that's why I get plus.

Aaron Rodgers doesn't want to win a Super Bowl because he'd have to chug beer in front of people

That's actually the reason I think that Aaron Rodgers doesn't want to win a Super Bowl is because he'd have to chug beer in front of people. In front of large crowds. That's not his thing.

'The Circle' on Netflix is the worst show ever created

I started watching the show The Circle on Netflix, and it's the worst show that's ever been created, and I started watching it, and I can't stop. It is horrendous. ... You say to yourself, I'm getting significantly dumber as I watch this show. And then you keep on watching.

A wet sock is worse than a broken foot

I will say having a wet foot will ruin your day. Wet foot is worse than spraining an ankle which is worse than a break. I would rather have my foot chopped off then have my sock be wet all day.

The Cincinnati Bearcats' black field prank was a terrible joke

Cincinnati...dying their field black for Friday night's game. I've never been more excited to bet on a team. Turns out they were just kind of like joking... that's not a good joke. Getting everyone excited about it. That's a terrible joke. I was so pumped to watch Cincinnati on an all-black field.

The Chicago Cubs are the most maddening and frustrating team I've ever watched

My fire fest is the Chicago cups. They're the most maddening team, frustrating team I've ever watched. They just want to toy with everyone's hearts and they win one game, lose one game, lose two games. Don't score for a week. Then they look awesome... I am at the point where I'm just I don't even know what I want anymore.

The Popeyes spicy chicken sandwich is one of the best sandwiches ever

Unpopular opinion that Popeye's chicken sandwich is good. I'll die on that hill. No, it's really good. And I need to have another one.

iPhone 'tapback' message reactions serve no purpose and the inventor should be exiled

I am in quite the text thread for my [fantasy football] league. Not only are is everybody just like replying with small little jokes, but they're also huge on the emphasizing things, the laughing at things—those extra buttons. They serve no extra purpose and I fucking hate those extra buttons because they fill up my phone notifications... the person that invented it should have to go live in Brazil for the rest of their life.

We have all been living in a computer simulation since 2012

My fire fest of the week is the fact that we've all been dead for seven years. Back in 2012, the Large Hadron Collider was invented... And currently we're living in a computer simulation. We're like, God is doing like a Madden Sim season... there are these little tiny glitches that the computer didn't get right. For example, Skechers Shoes. I always thought it was S-K-E-T-C-H-E-R-S. Turns out it's not. There's no T in there.

The compact SUV market is a total fraud

The compact SUV world is such a fraud city... it's just a car. And then you actually don't have as much trunk room as you would in a normal car. You put a dog in it, and it's already crowded.

VAR is ruining soccer and we should go back to just complaining about refs

My other fire fest... is robots. Especially VAR robots in the World Cup, in the Women's World Cup. It's ruining soccer. It is absolutely ruining it. I'm actually the mindset that I'm out on instant replay across the board. I think we've gone too far. Fuck the robots. We need to complain about refs.

The Jonas Brothers are actually not losers and their documentary is good

My Firefest of the week is that I watched a Jonas Brothers documentary, and I actually really liked them. You go in and you're like, oh, Jonas Brothers, those guys are losers. Only teenage girls like them... Then you watch the documentary. You realize they were grinding for three years.

Cord cutters are not real sports fans

People who are cord cutters are not sports fans. I'm just going to say it right now. Because you are buffering and you're watching a minute behind. You care more about the money you're saving than sports, than the actual sports and being up to date. You are not a real sports fan.

I will never cord-cut because streaming sports is too unreliable

I have so many boxes... my cable bill is like probably $400 a month. I watched a bowl game with [a friend] two years ago... It buffered so many fucking times. I had money on the game, and I was sitting there like, what is happening right now? I could never cord cut.

April has the worst weather of any month because of its inconsistency

April has the worst weather of any month... Because you can't fucking plan for it. It's cold. It's still the winter. Then it's hot. Then it's cold again. Then it rains... I would rather at least know January's going to suck no matter what.

Modern weed has become too good and it actually sucks now

My first personal Fyre Fest is weed. Just pot. I don't like smoking really good weed. I think really good weed has gotten so good that it sucks. I like nice, kind bud. Like a decent KB is what I'm about. If you give me something... orange crystals... I'm like, no, I don't want to smoke that because I'm going to feel like I'm on the moon and I don't want to be on the moon. I want to be like in the clouds.