Takes

Never trust meat made from plant proteins

My hot seat is McDonald's they're releasing a McPlant... never trust a man made a plant proteins.

The Warriors' 'Oakland Forever' jerseys are total bullshit since they left town

They released jerseys for this year that say Oakland on them... It's like the Oakland forever jerseys and it got Warriors fans really mad because they left Oakland. Apparently there's like a lawsuit going on... it's messed up that they did that.

Stephen A. Smith refusing to mock the Cowboys is the meanest thing you can do to a fan

By saying this, this is the most he could ever make fun of... saying you're not even worthy to be made fun of, I feel so bad for you... I'm taking away the very last smidge of relevancy that you have is me making fun of you when you lose. This is the meanest thing that we could ever do to you.

It is incorrect to claim that shaming the Cowboys for not defending Andy Dalton is 'toxic masculinity'

There was a guy from Pro Football Focus who said that in my humble opinion attacking the Cowboys for not going after [Jon] Bostic who by any means wasn't a threat to Dalton anymore is toxic masculinity at its peak... meanwhile every person that's ever played football has responded and been like this is this is incorrect.

Joe Buck did nothing wrong with his flyover comments

Recurring guest Joe Buck... our good friend... he's on the hot seat because some rat from the Fox Sports production crew leaked audio of Joe Buck and Troy Aikman talking about the flyover and how it's like a waste of jet fuel... he didn't say anything wrong, right?

LeBron James is the second-best player to be born in Akron, Ohio

[LeBron] is the second best player to be born in Akron, Ohio behind Steph Curry, correct? That's our compliments of LeBron.

Crutches are useless because they hurt your armpits more than your foot

I'm putting a man named... Emil Schlick in 1917. He invented the crutch and I'm saying the crutch is useless. It is my armpits are more sore than my foot.

If you don't like Nickelback, you are a sheeple

Cool throne Nickelback. If you don't like Nickelback your sheeple.

Big Ben Roethlisberger loves being the most injured person in the world

Big Ben is on my cool Throne because Big Ben no one likes to tell you how injured they are as much as Big Ben... from what I understand not three [ligaments], so he's flexing about who's three torn ligaments in his elbow.

George Kittle should call himself a quarterback on Twitter to cash in on Mahomes money

George Kittle has said he will go to training camp no matter what... He should just change his position in his Twitter profile... He should just call himself a quarterback. Try to cash in on this Patrick Mahomes money.

Retired sports legends should never take GM or front office jobs because they risk ruining their legacy.

If the Broncos are never good again under his [Elway's] watch, does he lose—that's why he never should take that type of job. I know he won one in the front office, but you could basically ruin it. You got to just kind of ride off into the sunset and be the legend and never take any risks with the organization again.

Ranking Lisa Ann at #94 on an all-time porn star list is disrespectful to her legacy as a game-changer.

Shyla Stylez at 354 and Lisa Ann at 94 is absolutely atrocious... Lisa Ann at 94, like the committee got that one wrong. That's awful. Even if you missed her heyday, you got to know that she meant something to the game, right? She changed the game, a hundred percent. I thought that was a little bit disrespectful.

Tom Brady in a Buccaneers jersey makes him look like a Sith Lord villain

Me personally I think that him in the Buccaneers Jersey makes him look like a total villain because it's just the color schemes like big like Sith Lord Vibes... he went from blue and red which is like you know like I feel like Synergy good Jedi and then it's like Sith Lord but that's just me.

The sighting of a white spirit bear in Canada is a sign of good things to come

Cool throne all of us because there was a white spirit bear spotted in Canada, which is a sign of good things to come. Yeah, so cool throne all of us. White bears are here. Yeah, like it's a phenotype of a Grizzly where it has white fur. Hell yeah.

Roy Williams is only the second-best coach in the ACC

Roy Williams. Ty Lawson called him out. I mean, everyone knows Roy is a little bit suspect. It's not surprising. Second best coach in the ACC.

The LeBron vs. MJ debate has evolved into whether LeBron would be a better #2 than Scottie Pippen

LeBron James has been Quoted as saying that he would like to have played with MJ not against them... now the debate has shifted to would LeBron James be a better number two than Scottie Pippen is. So now we're comparing that now we're saying would LeBron be a better number two than Scotty was to Jordan.

If you don't believe aliens exist, you are an idiot

if you don't think that aliens exist your fucking moron. What does it like that seems like such an obvious thing. I guess. He's more passionate about it, but I would say the people who are like, oh, yeah, there's no aliens there there the idiots.

Digging up old draft prospect tweets is the lamest thing you can do

I actually think there's nothing lamer than plotting ahead and trying to fuck up the biggest night of somebody's life because they had some weird tweets... if you're 13 and you're not tweeting out crazy stuff, you're not taking enough chances.

Darren Rovell is legitimately losing his mind

Rovell is kind of a misunderstood but nice guy. I think he's losing it—like he is legit losing his mind. He's on a bender from non-alcoholic beer. This is what happens when you drink like 12 a day for a week straight.

If Zion Williamson is truly 300 pounds, he is the most impressive athlete of all time.

If Zion is 300 pounds, he's the most impressive athlete of all time. He's doing this as a 300-pounder... Better numbers than rookie LeBron. It's incredible watching him.

Justin Bieber's 'too bad' DM to Ria on Valentine's Day was a 'flirty' response.

He just like it was in one of those Twitter moments... and her tweet was in there... so he said what do you say to her? Too bad. Too bad. That's a little flirty.

The Jaguars are only playing back-to-back London games to pay for a stadium renovation in Jacksonville

What's actually happening is the Jaguars are doing two games back to back just so that they can have enough money to totally redo their stadium in Jacksonville... Better Fan Experience... Listen honey, I'm not I'm only having sex with this other woman so that she can teach me new ways to not make you come right?

Brad Davison has taken the mantle of most hated player in college basketball from Duke

Wisconsin basketball is officially more hated than Duke this year. Brad Davison up to his old tricks with a nut shot last night. I think Brad Davidson has taken the mantle of most hated college basketball player this year, which usually is reserved for the whitest guy on Duke.

College football broadcasts make every coach look like they are going bald, except Ed Orgeron

Whatever camera angles and Camera filters or whatever they use to focus on coaches on the sidelines. They can take a coach that is probably not losing their hair and make it look like that coach is balding. Every coach looks balding on college football broadcasts. Coach Orgeron, his hair overpowered that.

There is a Blake of the Year curse

So it's time to ask, is there a Blake of the Year curse? You've got Griffin [surgery]. Bortles got traded. He moved teams... and went bald.

Stephen A. Smith will be extra spicy because of his apple cider vinegar cleanse

Stephen A. Smith just announced that he's going on a seven-day apple cider vinegar cleanse... He's going to be on a First Take just with a mouth tasting like all kinds of soy sauce... and he's going to have an empty belly. He's going to be sweating... a hungry dog runs faster.

College bowl games are boring and pointless

Good riddance. Bowls are boring. What's the point?

Shitting is an essential mental break during the work day

I feel like the art of going to the back, even in high school before I had a cell phone, I was still just like, let me get out of the class and go take a shit for 30 minutes. It's a mental break. So I don't even know that the cell phone thing would work as much. Like, people back in the day, before cell phones existed, were still taking long shit breaks.

Jim Boylen is the worst coach in the history of basketball

Yeah, he is the worst coach in the NBA. He might be the worst coach in the history of basketball... He called a timeout with 33 seconds left in the third quarter to stop the run... there is a timeout that's naturally [between quarters]... He's such a fucking idiot.

Paul Bunyan's Axe is the best rivalry trophy in college football

I do think, and I'm obviously biased, but I do think Paul Bunyan's axe is up there... It's fucking awesome. It's enormous. It's just a great trophy to have... grab it and you get to hold it up and it's fucking cool. Fake, fake chop down the goalposts, the whole thing.

Joe Biden lost the youth vote by calling marijuana a 'gateway drug'

Joe Biden, he's running to be commander in chief, but he doesn't like weed. He says that it should remain illegal at the federal level because it's a gateway drug. Yeah, so he just lost the youth vote.

Imagine Dragons music should be in the public domain

I think if it's Imagine Dragons Imagine Dragons should just be in the public domain there should not be the other attack. They got to protect their art like what those guys make beautiful beautiful art Imagine Dragons The Beatles Mozart and happy birthday.

Angela Duckworth is just monetizing the fact that untalented people are too dumb to quit

I saw who wrote the study and it was Angela Duckworth Who is the lady that wrote the grit book. She is grit exploitation. She is the big grit industrial complex. Most of us out there learn to appreciate grit because we had to because we lack talent and sports... we're also dumb enough to not quit. So therefore that's a good quality and I'm going to call it grit and she comes along and she's trying to make money off it.

DeColdest Crawford is the coolest name in the history of college football

The LSU Tigers signed a wide receiver named DeColdest Crawford. Yes. So DeColdest is making his way to Baton Rouge probably the coolest name. If not in the history of college football definitely in the history of Louisiana state.

Kyrie Irving and Kevin Durant's relationship is a Jay and Silent Bob dynamic

I kind of like that Dynamic though. It's a little Jay and Silent Bob ish, right? So you've got Kyrie that never says anything and then you got Kevin Durant that just says everything, right? Yeah, I'm fine with that. Yeah. This is sounds like it's going to be a good buddy cop type thing.

Matt Nagy is cracking and losing his mind as the Bears head coach

My hot seat is Matt Nagy. He's cracking. He's losing his mind. He had the Bears throwing egg toss in practice. That screams like, 'Hey, I'm just trying to do one of those fun games that you do in training camp,' but it's the middle of the season. And yikes. He also told all the players to stay off Twitter.

The Yankees would be an easier World Series matchup for the Nationals than the Astros

I'm rooting for whoever makes it easier for the Nationals. ... That would probably be the Yankees, to be honest. I would rather see the Yankees.

I am done with U.S. Men's Soccer after the loss to Canada

Just when you think it couldn't get worse, we lose to Canada. ... I'm done with the U.S. soccer until they start fucking just doing anything. ... I'm done being embarrassed. I want them to be good.

Shaquille O'Neal won the diss track battle against Damian Lillard

The problem was that Shaq's diss track went harder and Shaq has the power of Inside the NBA... lyrical M3 time Finals MVP MVP candidate. You are not one.

Jeff Bezos remains bald to keep the 'fire within' to destroy the world

Bald guys are angrier... I think he keeps himself bald to keep that Fire Within. If he had his hair he be like everything's perfect. Why would I build a bunch of robot drones that could kill the world?

The Jaguars would be crazy to trade Jalen Ramsey

I think the Jaguars would be crazy to trade him. Crazy. I mean, he's really, really good. Really, really good.

Complaining on Twitter about your food being stolen is a dickhead move

I'm blaming her [Lizzo] for complaining online about it because that's a dickhead thing to do. As a fellow curvy person, you never want to tweet about your food not being there... I feel like you're just setting yourself up to get dunked on.

Green Day is officially an 'oldies' band now

I was thinking that Green Day would you consider them to be classic rock at this point... yeah I guess... when does the 90s become classic rock... I think it's now. Fuck. I think Green Day is an oldies band.

Alabama could beat the Dolphins if they had Tom Brady and Bill Belichick

Hank, could Alabama beat the Dolphins if they had Tom Brady as a quarterback? Tom Brady as a quarterback, Belichick as the other coach... [Hank]: Yes. With that type of strategy, like give him two weeks to prepare... Yeah.

Chick-fil-A would beat Popeyes if they released an extra spicy chicken sandwich

Develop an extra spicy chicken sandwich. If you go to market with extra spicy, that'll take all the buzz off Popeyes.

Devin Booker complaining about double teams in open runs is a soft move

Devin Booker was mad because Joakim Noah sent a double team on them. And Devin Booker was like, hey, we don't double team and open run... it just showed maybe Devin Booker is the s word soft... what more could work on your game than having a double-team you get double-teamed in the NBA. Why wouldn't she want to be double-teamed right here?

NFL teams should be allowed to give one rookie a monk haircut as team building

I think that you should be allowed to give one rookie a monk. Yes, yes, I agree. That's not hazing, that's team building. That's funny. Big difference. If it's funny, it's not hazing.

Home Depot is the ultimate masculine experience if you don't ask for help

I successfully went to Home Depot and got what I needed without asking anyone. And there's no better feeling in the world. You feel like the manliest man that's ever walked Earth. It took me about 25 minutes to find the wood glue, but I did it.

Kobe Bryant being ranked 13th for the 2010s decade is fair

There was the all-decades list for the 2010s and Kobe was 13 on it, which I honestly think is like fair... If you're looking at the whole decade, his body of work over the 2010s is not like [first team].

The NFL 100 logo is terrible and looks like it belongs to an expansion league

My hot seat is the NFL 100 logo. I'm already sick of it... It's not that cool of a logo to begin with, but they've put it everywhere so far this year... It looks a little bit like an Expansion League football logo... like the AAF logo if it was designed by somebody with a head wound.