Takes

The McChicken is the most fuckable sandwich

I think number one's got to be the McChicken. It's like the Lance Armstrong of fuckable sandwiches. [The guy in the video] destigmatized fucking the McChicken.

The Ryan brothers are the 'original feminists' because Rob Ryan carries weight like a pregnant woman

Is Rob Ryan the original feminist? I mean, he's pregnant, basically. He has to walk around with that weight, right? He's got that belly. I think he's in a hat tip to all the women out there who have gone through childbirth and the beautiful child thing that is childbirth. Rob stands with you.

The NFL should be criticized for not suspending Aaron Hernandez while suspending Hope Solo for six months

Don't let this distract you from the fact that the NFL has yet to suspend Aaron Hernandez. ... Aaron Hernandez gets nothing and Hope Solo suspended for six months for talking.

Twitter is primarily composed of memes and ISIS recruitment

It's just memes and ISIS recruitment. That's what Twitter is. It's a real problem out there. Real problem out there.

Tom Brady's absence from practice might be linked to a heist or Roger Goodell's death threats

Tom Brady cut his thumb and missed the second preseason game... he then missed practice on Sunday and Monday... Roger Goodell just said that he received some death threats... Did Tom Brady take part in a heist? Something happened.

Tom Brady is injury-prone because he spent 12 years on the injury report

Is Tom Brady injury-prone? That's what it sounds like to me. It sounds like he's a China doll. Yeah, been on the injury report more than any other player. Got bit by the injury bug.

Swimming is not a sport; it is just a struggle to keep breathing

How soft does [Danny Kanell] think that you are because you're a swimmer and basically you just – you don't drown, like I say – Swimming is not a sport. It's just trying to keep breathing.

LeBron James could become the world's best 50m freestyle swimmer in two years.

[Big Cat]: If LeBron were to try his hand at swimming how long do you think it would take him to become the best in the world in the 50? [Dwyer]: 50? Two years. That guy's pretty athletic.

I could win an Olympic silver medal in a swimming relay if I was on a team with Michael Phelps, Ryan Lochte, and Connor Dwyer

If you put me with Michael Phelps, Ryan Lochte, and Connor Dwyer, and we do the four-person 200 meters, I think we at least take silver.

The New England Patriots have pulled shenanigans that have to be considered cheating

Based on the Spygate thing, which they did, and what I at least perceive to be enough evidence on the Spygate thing, to me, they pull shenanigans that are certainly have to be considered cheating.

The years AD 614 to 911 did not actually happen

The phantom time hypothesis. So there are a bunch of people out there that truly believe that the years AD 614 to 911 didn't happen... They were all made up by the church. So like that's 300 years of human history that we just were taught about, but they don't happen.

Stevie Wonder isn't actually blind

Stevie Wonder isn't blind. Have you seen some of the clips out there? He catches microphones that are falling down. Like he's pointing at people. He's a blind guy that points. They do not point. Stevie Wonder is not blind. Look it up.

Wisconsin threw the 2014 Big Ten Championship game so Ohio State could make the College Football Playoff

Wisconsin threw the 2014 Big Ten championship game 59-0 so that Ohio State could go to the national championship game... Barry Alvarez, Wisconsin AD, sits on the selection committee... He knew, hey, listen, if we're going to get the Big Ten into the national championship, they've got to put a whooping down. Hey, Wisconsin – Go ahead and roll over. 59-0. Let's make it a bloodbath.

The 1969 moon landing was faked

I also don't think the moon landing was real, but that's, again, those are more facts, not conspiracy theories.

Bobby Petrino coaches every game with a waistband-tucked boner

I've got a theory that Bobby Petrino coaches every single game doing a waistband tuck... He's got full erection. Every conference game, he's got a full erection. Just keep an eye on that for maybe a little cherry poking out of the top.

Tim Tebow could land any airplane in America

Tim Tebow, are you kidding me? Tim Tebow could land any plane in America. He's got a lot of practice with a joystick, too.

Cal Ripken Jr. probably used a lot of steroids.

Mount Rushmore of steroid users. Cal Ripken Jr. He's number one. People didn't know that. Probably used a lot of steroids.

The Hall of Fame game cancellation was a conspiracy to force viewers to watch the Olympics.

The Olympics, tonight was supposed to be their big night. They needed the ratings... NBC, their president is a guy named Steve Burke. Steve Burke just happens to be a former Disney executive. Maybe he called in a favor... [the painter] is probably the easiest person in the world to pay off.

Vladimir Putin's decision to dope the Paralympic team shows an admirable commitment to winning.

I almost respect that. Like I'm now kind of on Putin's side. If you're going to the extreme lengths of taking your most vulnerable citizens and saying, we're going to pump you up with horse steroids, that's at least a commitment to winning.

Jim Furyk probably has a secret second family that he has been hiding for years.

I wouldn't be surprised if Jim Furyk has like a second family that pops up soon... You don't want to get that many people talking about you because you probably have an entire second family that you've had for like 10 years. You have a six and an eight year old with a totally different woman than your wife.

I am 100% innocent of all criminal charges

I'm innocent without a doubt. The charges are related to some hedge funds I operated in a public company I operated. Don't have one person who has ever complained. You won't find one person that ever lost money in these funds.

Ulcerative colitis is not actually a disease and those who have it are lucky the drug industry pays attention to them

Ulcerative colitis is not a disease... They're not great medicines, but the people with ulcerative colitis, they're lucky, quite frankly, that they have a drug industry who can pay attention to them.

LeBron James is a dickhead and I would never want him on my rugby team

Probably the last person I would want is LeBron... strictly because he's a dickhead. He's a dickhead. If I had to go with anyone, it would probably be AP, Adrian Peterson. He would be good at that.

Coming back from a 3-1 deficit is the biggest comeback in the history of sports

Coming back from 3-1 down in a playoff series, that's got to be the biggest comeback in the history of sports. Right, Hank?

Being shot is preferable to watching Mike Mularkey coach the Jaguars

I would get shot 10 times again instead of going through 2011 Jaguars again.

Arnold Palmer was never actually a good golfer

I don't think Arnold Palmer was ever actually good. Have you seen that guy swing? Swings like my grandpa. I would kill that guy.

LeBron James not signing with the Cavs yet is the biggest act of devastation to a city since Aaron Hernandez

If LeBron ends up not signing, I think this would be the biggest act of devastation that one player could ever cause to a franchise. And a city. Except for Aaron Hernandez.

Ken Griffey Jr. likely used performance enhancers given his weight gain

1989 was his debut. He weighed 195 pounds. Late 90s, he was listed at 205. 2004, I dug it up. He was listed at 215. And then when he retired, he was listed at 230. So over the course of 20 years... he gained 35 pounds. Hmm. Just saying.

Any twins who share a Twitter account have definitely kissed each other on the lips

Now, you know my theory that all twins at some point have kissed each other on the lips, like not in a brother-brother, sister-sister way. If you share a Twitter account, I think it's basically decided that that has happened, correct?

Blogging is more harmful to the brain than contact sports because it makes the brain soft

I think blogging is more harmful to your brain than playing football or hockey or any more women's soccer... [Logan Couture]: It might be. I've tried to sit at a computer screen for an hour and I got a headache... [PFT Commenter]: Yeah, because if you play a sport and you're hitting your head, you're building a callus on your brain. When you're a blogger, you have like no contact with anything. So your brain becomes soft. That's my theory, at least.

The Rio Olympics PR company is doing a great job because they successfully used a terrorist cell to get brand impressions

The Olympics, their PR company is just knocking it out of the park still, coming up with all sorts of unique visitors and brand impressions on people with all these scandals going on. They thwarted a 10-person terrorist cell. What? That's all the terrorists, so no more of them... My understanding is there are banners saying that police officers don't get paid in Rio. But somehow these guys were working for free and they broke up a major terrorist plot. So hats off.

The NFL should implement the 'Romney Rule' requiring one white cornerback per team

There was a big report that came out in ESPN saying that professional position coaches are hired at a much lower rate to become a coordinator or a head coach if they're a minority... and I suggest in the spirit of brotherhood that we develop a Romney rule where if the president of the United States is black and therefore racism doesn't exist at the time, we can do the Rooney rule, but there should also be a rule that says every team should have one defensive back... cornerbacks specifically because there are a lot of Eric Weddle types running around out there.

The Olympics should stop providing condoms to encourage the breeding of a super race

I think that there should actually be no condoms inside the Olympic Village. These are... the top true of the top one percent genetically. It should be like a rabbit farm in there. We should be forcing them to breed with each other. No condoms.

Brett Favre's durability was due to an 'inconclusive' John Thomas sign

If you think back to some of the great quarterbacks, Brett Favre was probably—his John Thomas sign was probably always inconclusive, right? Because he had such little win. That's why he never missed a game because the doctors, they couldn't pinpoint any of his injuries because he didn't have any shadows pointing anywhere.

Cyborg Santos is only 'hurt' despite a fractured skull because Russell Westbrook played with a similar injury

So hurt or injured. I'm saying hurt. simply because Russell Westbrook had this same injury. He dented his face, and I think he scored like a billion points after that.

Johnny Manziel should drink more beer to fix his image and show he's a leader

My PR 101 to Johnny is, like, toughen up your image a little bit. Be a little bit of a bad boy. Have a couple beers. No big deal. Just kind of, like, let people know you're a regular dude.

Pat Riley is going to die soon because it's taking him 10 days to write a single email

Pat Riley's going to die soon. He's still taking this Dwyane Wade thing pretty hard. And he said Pat hasn't spoken to Dwyane post-decision yet. He said, 'I've been crafting a very long email to him.' He's been writing an email for like 10 days now. I feel like that's the end. When you're just sitting there with an open Word document... Pat Riley's going to die soon.

Hockey helmets have increased concussions because they evolved the human skull to be thinner

I actually think that helmets have done more to increase concussions in hockey than they've done to help because it's like evolution. It kicks in a little bit and your brain, your skull doesn't have to be as thick anymore. Like the way that we coddle these athletes, it's actually hurting them in the long term.

I Hope Marlins Man's Horses Die In A Lake

Fuck your law firm, I hope they lie to your face. Fuck your horses, I hope they die in a lake.

I Hope Marlins Man Gets Found Like Catherine The Great

I hope you get found like Catherine the Great.

Ask Brady, Marino, Wade, And LeBron About Me And Your Mom

So call Brady, Marino, Wade and LeBron. And ask 'em 'bout me and your mom.

Miko Grimes should use a foundation Twitter account to blame future controversial tweets on interns

This is a longstanding PR 101 piece. Just start a Twitter account in the foundation's name, the Miko Grimes Foundation account. Then you can say an intern was tweeting and dropping [the hard J] on everyone's face.

Pokemon Go is the greatest sporting event of our lifetime

We're kind of doing a disservice by calling this Sports Hell Week because possibly the greatest sporting event of our lifetime or probably anybody's lifetime is going on as we speak, and that's Pokemon Go.

J.J. Watt is sexist for only posting photos with his female relatives

J.J. Watt tweeted a picture of himself, his mom, and his grandmother... hashtag squad. Way to brag in all of our faces. Hey, J.J., what about your dad and your grandfather and your great-grandfather? Do you not like men? Are you being sexist?

People in Portugal speak 'Brazilian' which is why they are good at soccer

People forget that they speak Brazilian in Portugal... The two best soccer teams in the world, Brazil and Portugal, both speak Brazilian. So it makes you wonder, like, maybe more countries should start speaking Brazilian if they want to master the beautiful game.

The three-point line has ruined basketball and should be abolished

When you really think about it, the three point line is ruined basketball. It's not about fundamentals anymore. It's all these flashy Steph Curry, three point shots. ... kids aren't learning how to play inside they're not learning the you know how to rebound how to box out some of the good things that basketball taught us

UFC should start a drug-friendly 'Rogue Fighting League' on boats in international waters

Or it's my my third my third option here is you just start your own fighting league where like all sorts of drugs are okay you do a nine-sided ring instead of eight sides kind of one-ups ufc international waters so there's no testing right on boats yeah definitely on a boat

I am ground zero for sports stars and the first sports celebrity who wasn't an athlete

I was actually told by a reporter from Sports Illustrated when he interviewed me, he said, you're the first sports star. I mean, what the hell is a sports star? Star for sports. You're the first one. You're the first guy to become a sports celebrity that wasn't an athlete. ... You are ground zero for sports stars.

My reception at Cubs games is comparable to when the Beatles showed up at Shea Stadium

I was in Chicago for the Dodgers-Cubs. They swarmed me. They overwhelmed me with kindness and love. They were chanting, 'Marlins Man, Marlins Man' between the innings... I go, are you kidding? Watch what's going to happen. It's going to be like when the Beatles showed up at Shea Stadium. And it happened.

Zack Hample shouldn't cry about my 'war' against him because Hiroshima wouldn't have happened without Pearl Harbor

When you don't like my Hiroshima you, remember you started the war. That's a Harry Truman quote, I think. Hiroshima would have never happened if you didn't do Pearl Harbor. Remember that when you're crying about my war.