Takes

The Memphis Grizzlies are a front for a crystal meth manufacturing operation

The Memphis Grizzlies are very obviously just a front for crystal meth manufacturing. Like that's — it's the perfect move to pay Mike Conley $150 million. It's obviously money laundering. They had [Matt] Barnes. They had Birdman. Chandler Parsons. The Grizzlies are just a drug operation.

I will enter a zone and eat 75 hot dogs in 10 minutes at the Nathan's contest

Leicester City, 1,500 to 1 odds. Just saying, things happen. Maybe I just get in a zone and I eat 75 hot dogs in 10 minutes.

Kobe Bryant is considering the Knicks, Celtics, Spurs, Raptors, or Clippers in free agency

I think this is the best-kept secret in free agency so far is what teams is Kobe Bryant taking meetings with? I think he's going to the Knicks, the Celtics, the Spurs or the Raptors? Kobe's a big foreign guy. He's cultured. I think he might want to spend some time up north... [Big Cat suggests Clippers] Yeah, he's probably taking a meeting with them. Yeah. Kobe going to LA.

I would eat cooked human flesh for $10 million

[PFT asks about eating human flesh for $10 million] I could do it. I would do it in a country where it wasn't illegal... It would be like we get a scientific permit to do it.

Steve Jobs is still alive and living in South America with Lionel Messi's father

Steve Jobs was sitting in – he's not dead... Everyone knows Steve Jobs living in South America, if you remember that picture... With Messi's dad.

Tommy Lasorda was about to die but his life has been saved through prayer

There's one more. That's about to go, actually... It's Tommy Lasorda. but we may have intercepted here okay we may have... I think that we've already done that.

Tim Tebow bringing a flatlining man back to life is an 'abortion to death'

If you bring a guy back from death... isn't that giving an abortion to death? It's the equivalent, right? So he's an anti-abortion guy, but he's over here... Death's got a bun in the oven in the third trimester, and Tebow's got the shop vac out.

Lionel Messi lacks the clutch gene and is likely a relative of Nazi Josef Mengele

I think that Messi might be a relative of a Nazi because a lot of them went to Argentina after the war to try to escape. Now, there was a doctor [Josef Mengele]... He was unable to uncover the clutch gene and isolate it. And that's why, you know, like Hitler, if he had had the clutch gene, he probably wouldn't have choked... Mingel moved to South America, had sex with an Argentinian. A few years later you get [Messi].

JJ Watt eating a raw egg on Jimmy Fallon is condoning mass murder and sweatshops

Each egg is actually like a chicken abortion. So like you're basically condoning mass murder when you eat that egg... eggs are produced in unsanitary hen houses. So they're basically sweatshops for chickens. So that's not cool.

I am a negative John Thomas sign candidate

I just want you guys to know that I'm actually a negative John Thomas sign candidate... [PFT: So your penis points away from your injuries.] That's correct.

Ezekiel Elliott will rush for at least 200 yards in his rookie season

I think [Ezekiel Elliott] is going to put up like bare minimum at least – you can quote me on this – at least 200 yards this year. At least.

Johnny Manziel should retire from football and play baseball to pull a 'Michael Jordan'

Retire from football, play baseball, come back to football, win three Super Bowls, call it the Michael Jordan.

J.J. Watt is the most selfish athlete on the planet

Basically, J.J. Watt is the most selfish athlete on the planet Earth. That's what I've learned from this.

LeBron James will go play minor league baseball for the Chicago White Sox

LeBron James is going to go play minor league baseball for the Chicago White Sox.

LeBron James will sign with the Lakers and change his name to LeBron Bryant

I'm going to say number one, the Lakers, and he switches his name to LeBron Bryant and wears Kobe Bryant's jersey all next year.

Ayesha Curry needs to rebrand her image by becoming a 'thot' following the Warriors' loss

You can be like America's chef and be baking the brownies and the scones and stuff when you're winning championships. Now you got knocked off the top of the mountain... You got to climb back up top. That means booty's out for the boys... [Ayesha Curry] needs to become a thot. She needs to switch it up.

The 2018 NBA Finals will be the Charlotte Hornets vs. the Seattle SuperSonics

2018 NBA Final predictions, give us a winner as well. Hornets in five... Hornets versus Sonics. Sonics are back. Hornets in five. Book it.

Sports like the NBA and NFL should wait until the end of the game to announce penalties and scores

The USGA said that they weren't going to announce whether or not [Dustin Johnson] was going to be penalized until after his round was over, which is just a great rule... The bottom line is anyone out there who's complaining about this rule is a bad Christian because you don't get to know if you're going to heaven until after you're dead. So why should you get to know what your score is before you're done with a round of golf?

LeBron James isn't actually clutch; he's just a 'carrier' of a mutated clutch gene that he passes to teammates

LeBron James still doesn't really have it [the clutch gene], but he is a carrier of it. He's mutated it, and Kyrie [Irving] caught it from him... much to LeBron's chagrin, Kyrie became more clutch than he was after catching the disease from him. He's the carrier of the mutated genes. He's the Zika fly.

Steph Curry throwing his mouthguard at a fan is assault and battery

It's assault, right? Like, let's be honest. It's assault. Steph Curry, I mean, he's an NBA player... he's a professional athlete, probably has some sort of communicable STD, getting hit with that mouth guard. That is grounds for lawsuit. That's assault. I believe it's also battery.

LeBron James is sleeping with Beyonce to impress her

Do you think that LeBron James is sleeping with Beyonce? I think it's a good possibility... LeBron James played tonight like he was showing off for a certain somebody sitting courtside, if you know what I'm saying.

Sleeping in the same bed as a man isn't gay as long as you keep your suit on

I will say that no man card taken away. People forget. You could sleep with as many dudes in the bed as you want. If you keep your suit on, it's not gay.

David Stern is still secretly pulling the strings of the NBA behind the scenes

Adam Silver's not. Adam Silver cleaned up the league... Meanwhile David Stern is behind the scenes suspending Draymond Green and getting these ratings... he's the master puppet and I love it.

Draymond Green missed LeBron James' testicles because LeBron is on steroids

Draymond threw a punch directly into the groin and didn't make contact with LeBron James' nuts... steroids, common side effect, shrink the testicles. making them harder to hit, harder to locate. So I think that the fact that Draymond... didn't make contact... that is a major red flag. And if I'm Adam Silver, I'm personally walking a piss cup into the Cavaliers' locker room and making LeBron James urinate into it.

Human evolution is not real because our testicles aren't protected by a rib cage

I think this really proves, though, is that evolution is not real. Because if you think about it, if evolution was real, like the most sensitive part of the male body, what is it doing just like hanging out there in the open? It should be like horses. It should be like inside. There should be a rib cage around your balls protecting you. A ball shield.

Steph Curry is playing poorly because he is addicted to opioids

I think that Steph Curry, he got hurt and he got put on some pain medicine... Now he's off the pain medicine. He's off the Vicodin and he's addicted to opioids now. And so like he can't – He's got like a vicious hangover. He can't find a stroke because his arms are shaking.

Cam Newton's next celebration should involve converting to Islam and refusing to stand for the anthem

Cam X, Cameron X, converted to Islam, doesn't stand for the national anthem. His touchdown dances to pray, and then he hands the ball to a black kid. I mean, there we go.

Olympians should be banned from masturbating for months before the games to store up testosterone for their country

if I was his coach, I would consider cutting him because... right now, if you're an Olympian, you should not be masturbating. Now is the time where you need to be storing up these reserves of testosterone for the next like five months. You're competing for your country here, OK? The American flag is not a jizz rag.

Jim Harbaugh is a civil rights leader fighting against NCAA persecution of football

I'm glad that Harbaugh finally has the guts to stand up for Division I major conference men's college football coaches. ... Harbaugh, thank you for standing up for the rights of the most persecuted people in America.

NFL owners likely faked the Roger Goodell death hack to test public sentiment before potentially murdering him

I think it's more probable than not that this was an idea that was floated by the owners just to see – just to kind of like gauge the reaction and see what public sentiment would look like if Roger Goodell were to die. ... testing it out to see like if we killed him, would people hate us?

The Golden State Warriors are better off without Steph Curry

I've seen enough and I know enough that if you take Steph out of the Warriors, they're just as good, if not better. [They haven't said his name] all series because he's been on the bench all series.

Aqib Talib can extend his career by seven years by capitalizing on his shooting incident

Tlaib may have just extended his career by like seven years. Because now he can get that really sappy E30 with Jeremy Schaap... A second chance is worth like two more contracts. So smart move on Tlaib's part, getting shot, because now he gets like an opportunity to prove himself again.

LeBron James peaked in high school

I'll be the first to say it. LeBron James peaked in high school. There it is. Boom.

The horse Nyquist has AIDS

The horse has AIDS. Right. The first thing I did was... Fuck the horse. Both on Twitter and in real life.

Harambe the gorilla committed suicide by zookeeper to escape living in Cincinnati

Did Harambe like plan this whole thing out? When the kid fell in, do you think Harambe was like, this is my chance to finally get out of this fucking place... Like suicide by zookeeper is pretty much what I'm getting at here.

I hope Nyquist the horse dies because his Twitter account is run by a nerd

I now am fascinated with Nyquist the horse... I hope Nyquist dies. I'll say it. Biggest piece of shit horse. And you know what, Nyquist? That's your horse owner's fault for running a shitty Twitter account. I wouldn't have wished death on you if you just had a semi-normal person running her Twitter account.

Gorillas are more valuable than humans because they are the patriarch of human invention

Technically humans, all those things that are invented by humans, humans are invented by gorillas, right? Like evolution. So wouldn't you say that gorillas are more valuable than humans? They're the patriarch of all those things. They're basically God.

If a team does a hidden ball trick in Little League, you should head hunt the next batter

Hidden ball tricks is fucking bullshit. Especially in Little League... I think you need to put the ball in an ear hole if the other team tries to do the hidden ball trick in a Little League game.

Dan Marino would have killed a small child to win a Super Bowl

But if Dan Marino—if you had said to him during his career, 'Hey, Dan, you can win a Super Bowl, but you got to kill a small child, no one will find out.' You think he does it?

If Draymond Green was a white guy named Raymond Green, he would be more loved

What if Draymond Green was Raymond Green and he was a white guy? He might be more hated, but he also might get away with—he might also be more loved by a large collection of the audience there... if you're a white guy, you can get away with being dirty a little bit better because you just naturally look uncoordinated when you fall down... so people believe you when you're just like flopping down. So if Draymond were white, I actually think he would be more loved overall.

People who camp outside NFL facilities for tryouts are terrorists

The people that camp outside of NFL training facilities holding signs that say, 'Let me get a tryout. All I need is a shot. I'm hungry.' They're pretty much terrorists because what they're doing is they're going on like a hunger strike... You can't bypass the system.

Nyquist the horse is the weakest, most sensitive horse for blocking haters on Twitter

I got officially blocked by Nyquist, the horse. I think I called him a pussy for not racing in the Belmont. This horse is the worst. He's clearly a bully horse. Either you're against horse trolling or you're not Nyquist. Weakest horse I know.

NFL players should only be allowed to have sex from May to August to ensure offseason births

I've been a long-standing fan of this policy for the NFL... I think that players should only be able to have sex through the months of, what is it, like May through August to time it so that you have an offseason baby. Because I hate it when Joe Flacco has to miss the Pro Bowl or threaten.

J.J. Watt is lazy and failing to pay his 'success rent' by watching TV on his couch

Sounds like he wasn't paying his rent for his success tonight. Sounds like he should have been in the gym instead of sitting on the couch watching TV, taking his athletic ability for granted... Sounds like someone's going to be late on his success rent.

Matt Harvey needs to start partying and doing cocaine to find his form

I also think he needs to party again. He used to be a party boy... I would say either get the Mets to basically make it a rule that no one can say anything bad about you or start doing a bunch of cocaine.

Steph Curry is too fragile for the NBA and needs to add 30 pounds

The scouts were right. He's too fragile to play in the NBA. Needs to add another 20, 30 pounds to his frame this offseason.

Horse racing is actually the most humane and best possible life for a horse

If these horses weren't racing, they would be obese and they would die much earlier of heart conditions and things like that. Or they'd be wild. They'd fight each other and kill each other. So horse racing is probably the best thing for a horse's life. [It is] most humane.

Baseball should crowdsource balls and strikes via Twitter polls during games

You could crowdsource it... A pitch happens and then everybody responds on Twitter. Twitter poll. Strike or no? And then 51% carries the day and you get a strike or ball based on that. And then fans can't get mad at it because they only have themselves to blame.

Roger Goodell is guaranteed to be on the show because of Eric Winston

Eric Winston guaranteed that Roger Goodell is going to be on the show this week.

The 'Redskins' name is the only slur that has gotten less offensive over time

That is really the only word then that has gotten less offensive as time goes on. Like name any other slur and it always gets more offensive... I think white people need to kind of pat themselves on the back on this one for making Redskins no longer a racist term.