Takes

You should never eat chicken because it is a 'nervous bird.'

Harbaugh pulled Wilton Speight aside and told him not to eat chicken, a protein that is considered fairly safe by nutritionists. When Speight asked why, Harbaugh said, 'Because it's a nervous bird.' He thinks some type of sickness injected its way into the human population when people began eating white meats instead of beef and pork. And I believe it 100%.

Washington D.C. sports will never lose another championship again

The Redskins won the offseason again. They do that every year. They're a dynasty at this point. You have to count them as a dynasty. And... The Washington Valor won the Arena Bowl after going 2-10 in the regular season. They won the championship. What a story. Yeah, so Washington, D.C. sports will never lose another championship again.

The Cleveland Browns are going to win the AFC North

I think they're going to win the division. And you know what? They're going to be fun as shit. I'm dead serious. They got Pac-Man [Adam Jones] coming in at cornerback maybe? They will definitely win more than – I'm going to say, yeah, like they're in that – yeah, they'll be scrappy. They'll be upgraded to scrappy.

LeBron James is objectively the greatest basketball player ever

Wouldn't change the fact that he's [LeBron James] objectively and obviously the greatest basketball player ever.

I am the person who introduced the French Levi's shirt fashion trend to the United States

I noticed, not to brag, I was over in France... everybody wears this Levi's shirt. It's like a really big fashion thing. And so it's going to come over to the U.S., and I'm calling my shot. I'm going to be the first one in the U.S. to start wearing it. So then when you see all these famous people wear it, be like, yo, PFT actually introduced that to the United States.

LeBron is building an 'All-Blame Team' of scapegoats to avoid criticism for the Lakers' upcoming season

I think LeBron is now just putting together the all blame team. He has put together the greatest blame team of all time. JaVale McGee, Lance Stevenson, Rondo, and Michael Beasley. LeBron James has no intentions of winning next year. He just has intentions of making sure no one blames him. He has now put together literally a super team of people that can be made fun of on Twitter so that we forget about LeBron James. He is the scapegoat.

Texas football is officially back because they have 60 players who can vertical jump over 30 inches.

Texas football. This could also be filed under Texas football being back. Because they are back. Tom Herman said they have 60 players that can vertical jump over 30 inches.

Mike Trout should get a mural of LeBron James' 'Welcome to LA' mural tattooed on his neck to improve his fame.

He should put, like, the LeBron James Welcome to L.A. mural on his neck. Yes, and then people will finally be like, oh, Anaheim is also in the L.A. market. And then he'll get swarmed by people trying to deface the mural on his neck. Yes. And so everybody will know what he looks like.

Roger Federer should be investigated for PED use because he's been too good for too long

I'm thinking about doing a witch hunt with Federer. Has anybody ever looked into PEDs with him? Because it feels like he's been too good for too long... Roger Federer probably did PEDs.

Neymar's flopping is actually a profile in courage and bravery

I think it's so harsh on Neymar. I mean, I see him as a profiling courage and bravery. I just see the pain, the agony, I mean, just the savage damage that is done to his body... he loses limbs in the game... Neymar gets up when he's broken, had his leg broken, and he says, don't worry, lads, I'm going to brush this off.

If red hits 10 times in a row in roulette, it's more likely to hit red again

Red's hot. Red is hot. You're taking the human element out of the wheel. Red's dominating... I'd say more like 85% [chance].

Juergen Klinsmann is a worse coach than the man who led the Thai kids into a cave

I think it was pretty astute that Juergen Klinsmann is a worse soccer coach than the guy that led them down into that predicament in the first place.

Loneliness is healthier if you smoke 15 cigarettes a day to make friends

loneliness has the same effect on morality as smoking 15 cigarettes a day... so if you're lonely, just smoke a bunch of cigarettes and you'll actually be healthier [because you'll make friends outside].

Blogging is just as hard of a sport as playing in the NFL

I think blogging is just as hard of a sport as football. My brain is mush. I will actually give you that. You guys are in your working stage... We're business people.

Joey Crawford is the best official in NBA history

Joey Crawford's the best official in the history of the game... I think that he controls the game better than anybody... In the second half, you rarely hear about him.

Kevin Durant's move to the Warriors made the NBA better by raising the standard

I think [Kevin Durant] made the NBA better because he sets a standard for what a championship team would be like... The new championship level is what we're seeing with the Warriors.

Baseball should remove the catcher position for the first two strikes with no one on base

My idea was to just remove the catcher and put the catcher in the infield or the outfield against a batter when there's nobody on base for the first two strikes. Yeah, the umpire gets hit a few times with some fastballs or whatever, but you don't need a catcher. Like who cares if the game's delayed a little bit?

Zion Williamson will be a big time bust

Zion Williamson, bust. Big time bust. That guy stinks. He's got no explosiveness. That's what I'm saying because he's got a ton of explosiveness. So if you just say it's not NBA explosiveness, people are like, wow, that guy knows something that we don't know.

LeBron James playing all 82 games at age 33 is highly suspicious

LeBron James, 33 years old, 15 years in the league, played all 82 games. Seems like his durability's going up at 33. Most athletes, their durability goes down. [Implying HGH use].

Cristiano Ronaldo is the Mike Tolbert of soccer because he just poaches goals from one yard out

He just runs it in from one yard out. The team gets all the way down, and they're like, all right, go ahead. Give it to the fat guy. He'll run it in. That's Ronaldo.

A winning pitcher hugging a batter after a strikeout is a disgusting display of pity

This is disgusting. I would put one in that pitcher's ear hole next time he got up... That's a more disgusting move than pimping a home run. That's showing up your opponent more. Go up to him and be like, 'Hey, I'm going to give you a big hug because you can't handle this big loss.'

The US will win the 2018 World Cup

I'm going with the U.S... They could still come back. You never count the U.S. out until they're totally out.

Luka Doncic is overhyped by 'nerds' and the EuroLeague is a garbage league

The nerds love Doncic, and it almost is offensive to me just how they talk about Doncic. There's like a slant against college basketball in how people talk about Doncic. I'm not going to pretend like I've watched the guy, but my problem is the beef I have is that everyone else is pretending like they've watched the guy... you go look at who's actually won EuroLeague MVPs and what it takes to win a EuroLeague MVP, and you're like, holy shit. That is a garbage league. These are not great players.

There is no one in the world who can beat me in a combined competition of every single sport

It also helps my longstanding theory that there is no one in the world who can beat me in every single sport. I'm talking every single sport, like darts, skiing... [Justify] can't beat me in basketball... I'll cross him up.

LeBron James will take a gap year from the NBA if the 2018 Finals go poorly

Today is June 1st, 2018. Stamp it. I am predicting that if LeBron James, if the finals don't go exactly how he wants them to go in his head, in his head only, LeBron James is going to take a year off.

There should be a reality show called 'The Amazing Racist' for people fired for racism

Everyone that gets fired for being racist should go on a reality show together. They should make a reality show called Racism Island... The Amazing Racist... The winner is the first person to get fired for being too racist from the show that you go to for being fired because you're racist.

Brad Stevens struggles because he's too good to understand Ty Lue's bad coaching

I also think that Brad Stevens sometimes struggles coaching against such a bad coach. Ty Lue is such a bad coach, and Brad Stevens is such a good coach, that he can't put himself in the mind of a serial killer. He needs to just smoke a bunch of bath salts before drawing up a gameplay against Lou because you can't guess the weird moves that he's going to make.

A football team can never lose if they run the ball every single time

I've never seen a team lose a game of football if they ran the ball every single time. I haven't seen that either... If we can be successful running the football... the fans know we're running it, the opposing team knows we're running it, we're running this ball and we're going to get positive yards.

Lauri Markkanen will average 50 points per game by his eighth season

Dirk's peak was 26 points per game. If you do the math, by Lauri's eighth season, he's going to be averaging 50 points a game.

Riley Curry is a fraud for not facing the media after a loss

My problem with Riley [Curry] is she's always the first one to show up after a big win, and she never steps to the podium and faces the music after a loss... Like a fucking coward. Like a fraud. Riley Curry's a fraud.

Stephen A. Smith is using the N-word on air to get ESPN to fire him so he can reunite with Skip Bayless

I also have a theory that Stephen A. Smith is just trying to get broken up with at ESPN because he misses Skip Bayless so much... God bless the broken road that will eventually lead Stephen A. Smith back to skip. And if he has to drop the in-bomb a couple times on the air, so be it.

The Celtics will win the NBA Finals in 7 games

It's going to go six or seven in the finals. Celtics might win in seven. He's got to steal one. He's got to steal one at the Warriors.

The Celtics are better off without Kyrie Irving and Gordon Hayward

They're a better team without Kyrie and Gordon Hayward. Yeah, everyone keeps saying, well, they'll have their two best players back next year. Well, do you really want that? No, you don't. You get rid of them. You dump those salaries. Yeah, you reload on draft picks. Yeah, you sign Terry Rozier to a 10-year contract.

I would trade Ben Simmons for Kawhi Leonard right now

I'd trade Ben Simmons for Kawhi. And I know Philadelphia won't like that because Ben Simmons is amazing until he faces the Celtics in the playoffs. But if you're giving me Joel Embiid for the next 10 years, LeBron for like three or four, Kawhi Leonard for like seven or eight, you can win three or four titles during that time.

Marlins Man is likely joining Donald Trump's legal defense team because top firms are rejecting him.

My theory is that I think that Lawrence Levy, Marlins Man, is joining the Donald Trump dream team because Trump can't get any more lawyers to represent him. He's been rejected by like five or six of the top law firms. Marlins Man's probably number seven or number eight. And if I was in a tough spot and I needed somebody on my side to just like harass my opponent until they got so annoyed... I'm going to Marlins Man probably first.

Brooklyn bourbon is a superior product and better than Kentucky bourbon

Brooklyn bourbon... it's actually been rated as being better than Kentucky bourbon, and it's a superior product. And people from Kentucky are too dumb to realize it.

Astros pitchers have higher spin rates because Houston is closer to the equator

There's a reason why all the NASA sites in the United States are closer to the equator because the Earth spins faster the closer you get to the equator. So it's cheaper to fly a rocket there. So I think the fact that it's in Houston and further south means the ball spins faster.

I will eat one bite of horse shit if the Capitals beat the Penguins

I think you should have to eat shit if they beat the Penguins. Agreed. Just one bite. I'm not saying... Just one bite. Everyone knows the rules. ... Caps beat the Penguins. We're going to Central Park, and PFT's going to eat some shit. Just one bite.

Filling up your gas tank more often for $20 saves you $60 compared to an $80 full tank

You're saving yourself 60 bucks because you're only paying 20. So I think Shaq's right. Yeah. Okay. All right.

Derrius Guice will be a better NFL running back than Saquon Barkley

I have a hot take for you. I think the best running back in the draft is [Derrius] Guice. ... Two years ago, I thought Guice was going to be the better NFL prospect than Leonard Fournette, and Fournette had a great rookie season. I still think Guice is going to be better than him.

Super Troopers 2 is a better sequel than The Godfather Part II

I'd say it's more beyond Godfather 2. It's like Empire Strikes Back.

We should nuke aliens immediately if we find them

If we find a planet with aliens on them, we just nuke the planet immediately. Can't take that chance. They definitely have better weapons than us. We should become the aliens that we're afraid of coming to us.

Jerry Garcia and the Grateful Dead are overrated

I'm just going to say it out loud. Jerry Garcia and the Grateful Dead, a little overrated.

Kawhi Leonard's defiance toward the Spurs is because he tried marijuana once

This kind of reminds me of... signs to tell that maybe your teen is trying marijuana. They develop a new group of friends. They stop listening to your instructions. They become defiant... I think maybe Kawhi Leonard tried marijuana. And it's been all downhill from there. I think he inhaled marijuana at least once, and now he's becoming an issue.

The Cavaliers are absolutely done after their Game 1 loss

The Cavaliers are done. Done. Absolutely done. They looked like shit today. LeBron James, I think he's over the hill.

LeBron James lost Game 1 on purpose to pad his all-time stats

LeBron actually lost this game on purpose so he can pad his all-time playoff stats.

John Cena broke off his engagement because of the PMT studio

He came into this studio. He saw what a chick looks like with four nipples. He saw the size and depth of my belly button. And boom, now his future wife's sex with his future wife is not as sweet. We clearly broke him up.

The Warriors will beat the Cavs in the Finals in only three games

I'm going Cavs-Warriors again, and the Warriors win in three games.

The NFL eliminated Color Rush Thursdays as a direct shot at Pardon My Take

I might be a narcissist. I might be an egomaniac. But it's hard for me to think this isn't a direct shot. They had one card in the battle against Pardon My Take, and that was the Color Rush. Besides that, we had all the leverage. And guess what? They came at us hard. Quite literally the darkest day in NFL history.

Tiger Woods played in an era with shitty golfers who didn't play defense

I think it's almost time to have the conversation of, like, did Tiger Woods just play in an era with shitty golfers? And now the new generation is way better than Tiger Woods ever was. Like you put Jordan Spieth back in the 2009 Masters... When the course didn't play defense at all. He played in the dead ball era.