Takes

It would take less than ten minutes for utter chaos to ensue if the world's internet went down

How long until utter chaos ensues? I'd say under 10 minutes, because people would probably run to ATMs and then the ATMs wouldn't work. Traffic lights would get fucked up... It's just like every man for himself after about nine minutes.

The 'no phone case' lifestyle is a gamble that makes every day more thrilling

A lot of people would be like, 'oh, you don't have a case because you have money.' I wrote that blog in like 2013 when I had just, I was smashing phones left and right. And it costs me a lot of money. I so I've been no case for a very long time. It is not a money thing. It's just a thrill thing. It's a gamble. Every day when you wake up knowing this could be the last day of your phone.

Fridays are better than Saturdays because the weekend feels like it will last forever

I'd take Fridays over Saturdays, but that's just me... there's no better feeling than Friday after lunch. There's just, it feels like the weekend is forever.

It is okay to be a 'casual' fan who hops between sports during busy seasons

I'm okay with this. I think we as sports fans in a sports podcast, we need to normalize the fact that there's a lot of sports on and the experts in each field trying to shame the true sports guys like ourselves. I'm sick of it... I'm a casual. It's okay for us to hop from sport to sport.

Losing to UNC in Coach K's final game will haunt me for the rest of my life

Whenever I'm happy, whenever anything goes in my life, whenever I'm feeling good or like something Patriots, Celtics, whatever it may be. I just know that Daniel Katz is gonna just at any chance he gets be like, 'Hey, remember when we killed coach K and the final four and UNC beat Duke in their last two games.' And it's just going to bring me down.

The only time you should use hot sauce is to mask the flavor of food you don't like

I use hot sauce for eggs. Cause I don't like eating eggs... it masks the flavor, which is the only time you should use hot sauce, is to mask the flavor.

Ordering a steak 'Medium Rare Plus' is a 'Karen' move

I officially accept that medium rare plus is a thing. Okay. At the same time, just kind of a Karen move to order... I acknowledge its existence as well. I personally prefer [to not be an asshole].

Moana is a legitimately incredible movie

That movie is awesome. I don't know if anyone's seen Moana with the Rock. It's a legitimately incredible movie. I'm at the point now where I'm like 'How about Moana?' and [my son's] like 'Nah, Mickey Mouse.'

Alex Ovechkin is the greatest goal scorer of all time but I disavow his political ties

He's a great hockey [player], probably the greatest goal scorer of all time... I disavow Putin, OVI. [Ovechkin] was raised from a child being an elite athlete in Russia... he's been indoctrinated.

Interacting with other parents is the absolute worst part of parenting

My son's school closed because of construction permanently and I got stuck in a WhatsApp thread with a bunch of parents who wanted to sue. This is not what I like—being a parent is awesome of your children. Having to interact with other parents is the worst.

I could easily run a 5k in under 30 minutes if I actually trained

If I trained, which I won't, I could be under 30 easy. No problem. My pace was already 4:30... 34 minutes, I didn't stop. I just fucking powered through.

Fresh Skyline Chili is absolute gas and tastes like Mediterranean food

Skyline is actually fire... Didn't have Skyline from Cincinnati before. I had it from the cans and I didn't really like it. Got some fresh Skyline. It's absolute gas. It kind of tastes like Mediterranean food. Literally. Like the chili gives off like – hero [gyro] vibes.

Bruce Arians is one of the few coaches doing the Rooney Rule the right way

I wanted to give credit to Bruce Arians for being a guy that I think we need more of, guys who will hire minorities and then proactively be like hey you have to interview this guy you have to give him a shot... I think that's really the only way is to just have more people that aren't just like in the old boys club.

I don't believe the United States will ever be good at soccer

I just don't believe that we will win. It's that simple... I wish we were good at soccer. We're not. And I'm not gonna pretend like soccer matters in this country when it doesn't.

Putting milk in eggs makes them better and more like pancakes

What you do is you put like, I have put milk in my eggs and then they're like, almost like a pancake when you do them. But apparently the nice browning of the outside of the eggs... it's better than gooey icky eggs.

Milk usually goes bad before its expiration date

I'm woke about expiration dates on milk. I think usually it goes bad before the expiration date. I sniff it. The other day... I sniffed it and it was bad.

It is impossible to get rid of mice in an apartment because they enter through every crack and the neighbors are usually slobs.

The mouse is back in my apartment again. You would think that I'd be able to take care of this mouse and get rid of the mouse issue. But you can't. They get in through every fucking crack... I'm fucked because I guess I'm never getting rid of these mice. It's impossible basically, because if you live in an apartment... there are tiny little holes everywhere that they can climb through.

The new iOS update notifications are too small for people with 'fat thumbs'

The new iOS update sucks. That's tough too. Fucking, the notifications are too small for my fat thumbs, so I can't get good press on them.

Sleeping is the most dangerous thing you can do once you hit your mid-30s

I actually think that sleeping is the most dangerous thing that we do once we hit our mid thirties. [In response to dislocating shoulder in sleep] I woke up and my shoulder was literally out of its socket and I had to pull it back into its socket.

The CAA banning James Madison from postseason tournaments is total fraud

The Colonial Athletic Association is a bunch of frauds, and they banned James Madison University from their postseason tournaments because JMU is leaving to go to the Sun Belt... they're taking the monetary thing out on the students... it's bullshit.

Ryen Russillo would beat the Pardon My Take crew in a fight because he holds so much internal anger

I actually have a different take on it. I think Russillo holds so much anger in his shoulders and neck from various people online saying, oh, did you vote for Trump because of the taxes that he would probably kick all of our assets... he would cave my Skullet.

Never plan a Saturday night dinner for a bachelor party

The biggest tip I always give is don't plan a dinner for Saturday night. That's the dumbest thing ever. It's like a tranquilizer dart to your face. You drink all day Saturday, and then you have this... big steak dinner on Saturday night, and then there's just no party afterwards because it's like, holy shit, we drank all day, then we ate a big meal. Who wants to go out after that?

The best way to eat a cookie is to make it giant with a crispy outside and gooey inside

Instead of making small cookies, I make four gigantic cookies. And then I bake them. And then I make them gooey, and then I eat one... Well, the thing about the big cookie is you can get the outside crispy and then the inside gooey.

Experienced fathers develop a 'sixth sense' that allows them to catch vomit in their hands

I finally get after all these years, like why people love the Jersey shore... My son was a little sick this week. I, now I have like dad's sixth sense. I caught my son's puke in my own hand that's because I knew it was coming and I fucking caught the whole goddamn puke in my hands.

Perfectly packing a car with vacation gear and kids is the official mark of a dad

Packing a car with two little kids and like doing the Tetris move to get the whole car full. I've never felt I earned my dad pinstripes like that was the official moment. I was like, yeah, I'm a dad because it was the hardest thing I've ever done. And it was like I wasted not a single inch.

I am pissed that NIL started after my 2017 college career

Everyone's, you know, selling merch, being a Twitch streamer and making money off of their likeness... I was in college [in 2017]... kind of pissed that this happened so many years later and not when I was in college. I literally sold merch back in 2017.

Anyone over the age of 25 must hire a mover

Over the age of 25, you should hire a mover. I agree. I am that mover in this case. Yeah. Well, are you hired? No. Okay. You need to get hired.

Tom Brady 'leadershiped' me into being a believer and he is now my leader

Tom Brady leadershiped the hell out of me... I made a bad joke, and Tom Brady said that, SMH, I've seen better from you, PFT... and then I started to expect more out of myself because Tom Brady, the legend, sees more in me than I do in myself... And now Tom Brady is my leader.

I am officially bringing back the phrase 'Now that's paper'

I gotta start thinking about another phrase. I'm thinking now that's paper. I tried to bring back now that's paper while ago, but it feels, I feel like the times right now. Bet. I like bet.

Sarcasm is the best way to prepare a child for life

I'm going to weaponize [my son] with sarcasm. That will hopefully get him through life.

Hank's greatest hits: Thailand, Ob-jen, Pint, Post Mostly, Super Relatives

What are Hank's greatest hits? There's Thailand. There's Ob-jen. Pint. Post Mostly. Super Relatives.

Losing your debit card is a good way to replenish your finances by clearing out forgotten subscriptions.

That's how I look at losing my debit card sometimes because you get the monthly charges for things that you forget that you're subscribed to. And so then those charges stop and then you have to re-sign up for them again. You can look at this in a positive light, Bubba.

Winter and summer menus at salad restaurants are absurd

I just think it's absurd that they have winter and summer menus in a fucking salad place. ... What's the difference between salad in the winter and salad in the summer?

It is a 'big sunglasses on the back of the head guy' move to rip a ball away from a 5-year-old at a park

[Speaker 2]: his son was way older than mine, and he just stole the ball from our ball. And I was like, you can't take that. [PFT Commenter]: You know what that is? That's a big sunglasses on the back of the head upside down guy move.

I am officially retiring from giving pregame speeches

I gave them [Tony Scheffler's team] a pump up speech before state quarterfinals. And then they lost by like 40. I'm retiring from the pregame speech. We'll stop doing speeches.

Apartment buildings should replace staircases with escalators

Why don't we have escalators instead of staircases in apartment buildings? That to me seems like a much more functional alternative. [Big Cat: That takes up a lot of space.] Same amount as the stairs. I want the stairs to move.

The first nice day of spring in the Northeast is equivalent to the feeling of taking Molly

Even though it is the first nice day of the year in the Northeast... some may say that the first nice day of the year is like taking Molly for those who have been shut in all winter.

Losing a three-leg moneyline parlay by one game is the worst way to lose in gambling

When you bet two out of three parlay and you hit money lines, like that's actually the worst way to lose of all time.

Rebranding Mr. Potato Head to 'Potato Head' is neutering the toy

They changed him today. They massacred my boy. Hasbro is... they neutered him. Yeah, they're giving him a spud, a gender-neutral new name. Just Potato Head.

Eating salads for a week caused my kidney stones

Bottom line is no more salads. I fucked up by eating salads for a week and now look at me. I'm passing a kidney stone... My inside is like the Infinity Stones.

Mike Greenberg has successfully executed a power play for every major job at ESPN

Mike Greenberg, they just announced he's going to be doing the NFL draft. Oh, great. Another show for him. More Greeny. All Greeny all the time. He seriously has had a power play for every job at ESPN.

Hank faked a fart noise on a soundboard to get more views for Stool Streams

I actually think that Hank had like a sound board in the truck, a fart board. Piped it in to get more views on his little video that he was putting out. And then he wrote like two blogs about it and he's tried to squeeze content out of it.

Vacation shaming is always wrong

Vacation shaming in all forms is wrong. That's my stance. I just, you know, I'm on the front lines of vacations everywhere.

Politicians should not be allowed on Twitter at all

I do think that politicians just should not be on Twitter at all. I've seen way too much of politicians dunking on other politicians. People that are in the Senate and House of Representatives spend like 90% of their time thinking about how they can get retweets.

COVID is no joke, even for peak athletes like me.

My Fyre Fest is I have COVID. It pretty much sucks. It's low-key not a great time... a peak athlete like myself, I've had trouble breathing all week. It has not been fun. I've literally just done this show, and after we hang up, I'm like, gasped beyond belief. It is no joke, and you shouldn't take it seriously... i know i sound preachy but guess what i'll fucking say it this thing is no joke

Losing the SEC on CBS theme song is a tragedy for college football

On behalf of all college football fans, we are losing the SEC on CBS theme song in 2024.

Billy Football's 285-pound bench press max is embarrassing

Billy actually said hovering around 285, which means he doesn't bench 285, which 285 is embarrassing... for a guy that spent four years in a weight program in high school and then three years in a weight program in college.

Wisconsin's football season is effectively over

My fire. First two of them Wisconsin's football season is over pretty much that sucked

Holding a baby is the perfect cover for committing a crime

I think I need to get into a life of crime using my son as like pretty much... a prop... The guy looked at me and he was like 'this guy... is a dad he can't steal.'

The Bryson DeChambeau vs. Brooks Koepka rivalry is exactly what golf needs to be interesting

I'm fine with this. I'm glad that there's a rivalry in golf. We needed something like this. The Tiger-Phil just doesn't do it for me... today was actually one of the first times that I've been watching golf and I've been more excited to watch somebody else besides Tiger.