Takes

Never name a dog after a sports figure who hasn't already secured a Hall of Fame legacy

Never name your dogs after sports figures that aren't Hall of Famers... maybe don't name him after a player unless he's been at least two or three All-Star games. That's a good little rule of thumb.

The Squatty Potty is the medically superior way to defecate because of human evolution

I got it, bro. I got it. Okay. This is not a plug, but a Squatty potty... We sit regular, right? And that messes up our bowel movements. Right? So if he's leaning for a while... it could be coming out the wrong angle, but the Squatty potty lifts your knees to your chest. And the angles is downward. That's how we evolved to actually defecate.

Tipping a doorman for just doing their job is a high-level power move

What a great power move is too. If you're out with friends, if you have cash on you, you can always like, you can tip someone. That's not usually tipped right in front of other people. And then they're like, wow, that's a, that's a great move. What a class act? What about city money? Yeah, exactly. Like you tip, you tip a doorman just for doing their job.

The person who wakes up earliest should sleep on the side of the bed closest to the door

The answer should always be that the person that has to wake up first in the morning, they sleep closer to the door. So you don't have to like walk around the other person.

You are not allowed to switch which side of the bed you sleep on unless you move to a new house

I also think you can't switch until you move. Like you can't switch in the house that you've been sleeping. If you have a side that you've been sleeping on, the opportunity to switch is when you move, correct. You cannot switch like just one day switch. That's crazy.

Boneless wings are slow-twitch muscles and bone-in wings are fast-twitch

Boneless wings are slow Twitch muscles and bone in wings are fast Twitch muscles. In terms of on the chicken... I think it has more higher mineral density.

You should never order the most expensive steak on the menu when someone else is treating you to dinner

If you go out to dinner... my rule is you go one level beneath what her dad would [order]... Third or fourth most expensive steak is where you have to [be]. There's just always that feel. You have to judge who you're with. If you're out with someone who maybe can't afford a super expensive steak, just don't be that guy.

You cannot pair a stone-cold sober person with a heavy stoner in a relationship

You can't have somebody that's stone cold sober and somebody that's like high. Ben Buddha Ben needs... he needs a Buddha babe that understands him and gets him. But you can't pair up like a stone-cold sober person with that because the personalities just don't align.

If you agree to a bracket-based system for naming your child, you are legally bound to follow through with the winner

My problem with this is, if you agreed to this, you have—it's legally binding. You shouldn't have done this... naming our child off a completely random tournament, but you agreed to it. And now guess what? Your only recourse here is have another kid and then you get to name that kid.

Raising children as fans of losing teams like the Lions or Browns is good for their character development

I think that a healthy amount of adversity—losing, growing up—actually has a good impact on the kid for learning how to deal with all that. Whereas if they... just made them say like a Patriots fan who also rooted for Duke, then they'd turn out to be a real piece of shit.

You can only change a child's name if they are the firstborn and under 18 months old

I think you can change a kid's name up until a year and a half... It also has to be the first kid because you can't, if it's the second kid... my son would be like, what the fuck?

Alcohol is a diuretic because it flushes liquid out of your body faster than you can hydrate

Al calls a diuretic. And why it dehydrates you is because it flushes all the liquid in your body, out through your piss. So even though it may seem like it's hydrated... It gets all your liquid out faster.

Relationships built entirely on fitness and distance running are not built to last

Relationships built off fitness. I don't think are built to last because at some point, yeah, you're going to be out of shape. Well, and then you both have to be fitness freaks and then make tick talks together about like meal prep and shit.

It's a law of the universe that long-haired quarterbacks don't win Super Bowls

It's not even really long hair curse. It's just a demonstrable fact that long hair quarterbacks have never won a Superbowl... It's a law of the universe.

You should never send a meme to a person you are in a relationship with

I think it's more of a red flag that he's sending memes to you. You don't send memes to somebody that you're in a relationship with. You steal the memes and then you verbally tell them to them when you're out to dinner so you sound funny.

I absolutely think you should share funny memes and things you find on the internet with your partner

I absolutely think you share funny things you find on the internet with your partner. All day. It's just having a funny banter back and forth.

Madden 2004 was the best video game of all time

But Madden 2004 was probably the best video game of all time.

Odell Beckham Jr. will sign with the Seahawks

I think he's going to be a Seahawk, based on the way that DK answered those questions earlier when he was like, no, we're not claiming off waivers. That tells me that he knows that they're going to sign him as a free agent.

OBJ going to the Bucs would significantly increase their Super Bowl chances

What team would Odell go to that you actually think it increases their chance significantly to win a Super Bowl?... It would be the Bucs because... Antonio Brown, there's something up with him. Plot twist, Antonio Brown is unreliable this season.

I can successfully pee off a moving bicycle without getting off

I peed off the bike... I would be pedaling and I was leaned over. I could absolutely do it right now. Get me a bike, Jake... I will prove it.

A scientific study proves that squirting is actually just pee

There was a study done on squirting where they hook an MRI machine up to someone's bladder... and the bladder's empty. Wait. So it's piss. It came from the bladder.

Zach Wilson has a 'laser arm' and his high throw velocity is a sign of potential success

Zach Wilson also had the fastest throw this week... laser arm. Yeah. Set it. Keep that in mind. That's good. In the first two weeks he had a 59.99 mile per hour pass.

You should kiss your boss to avoid work talk on the golf course

Just try to kiss him in the middle of your round and be like, I always get horny when I play golf. And then he'll never invite you something about the holes. Either and if, and if they don't give it to you lean in for a kiss and then if they kiss, you just say sexual harassment or 50% raise, ask for the kiss.

3D sports broadcasts will be forced back into the mainstream within the next two years.

I do predict that it's about that time for them to start forcing 3D down our throats again. It's like every three years, like 3D sports is coming back and it always sucks. It's never been good, but they're going to try because they feel like they can make money off it now. So I predict in the next, like two years, they'll start forcing that on us.

A twenty-four pack of beer is the appropriate amount for a beach day because it helps regulate your body temperature.

Twenty-four is a pretty good number because you're hot out there... regulating your body temperature. You could actually put yourself in danger if you don't drink enough.

Watching sports all weekend on the couch is as physically and mentally taxing as completing an Ironman

I would put up a guy sitting on a couch and watching an entire slate of college football on Saturday and an entire slate of NFL football on Sunday... I would put that up there with the Iron Man. I really would. Obviously not physically as taxing, but mentally far more taxing.

A man who works out twice a day and can only bench 185 is definitely cheating on his girlfriend

185, there's really no other explanation. You're either dating the biggest soy boy beta bitch or he's cheating on you... Most gyms will actually revoke your membership if you go there every day because you're obviously, you're not getting out of this what you're putting into it.

If you don't look at the internet for four hours, you miss 10 years; if you don't look for a week, you miss nothing

The internet's a weird thing like that. If you don't look at the internet for four hours, you feel like you missed 10 years. But if you don't look at the internet for a week, you feel like you missed absolutely nothing.

Snapchat will eventually be used to blackmail future politicians

I think Snapchat is going to have a huge blackmail on future politicians... You have a bunch of dumb 14-year-olds and teenagers and stuff, and then in the future they might be important people and there's a whole cloud of data... I think there will be a scandal that happens in the next 20 years where a Comcast or a major internet service provider just gets hacked or they release a bunch of documents and it's just everybody's search history and internet history.

You cannot know if a relationship is a 'rebound' until it actually ends

I think you don't know that it's a rebound until afterwards. In the middle of a rebound, it just feels cool... so a rebound could always be just a put-back dunk until you hit the ground. So you haven't hit the ground just yet, so it's impossible to know how to score it.

There is a conspiracy to prevent Americans from eating turkey eggs

I think that there's a conspiracy theory out there for us to not eat turkey eggs... It sounds to me like the most dangerous game. Like, it probably tastes better because it's so hard to get them. [Big Cat: They're rare.] Now I really want to eat turkey eggs because of everything this website has told me.

If your boyfriend switches from playing quarterback to wide receiver in college, you should dump him immediately.

How long do I have to wait to dump him without it being obvious it's not about him being a quarterback anymore? Do it now. Do it now. Because you know what? You don't actually love him. He said he's a wide receiver, but he's really just going to get in on a couple of random special teams plays.

Camo Crocs are sick and making a comeback

Camo Crocs are sick. Crocs might be making a comeback.

I will be the first person in line to get the COVID-19 vaccine once it's available

I am going to inject myself when we get the vaccine. I'll be first to get that. I'll take what—acts will lead from the front on this one. Fill me up with whatever you need. Absolutely.

I would probably give up a pinky for a Bears Super Bowl, but I don't want to lose the fun of the chase

Would you give up a pinky for the Bears to win a Super Bowl? Yeah, probably I would... but I don't want to have that fun taken away. Like, why would I do that to myself?

Every man sits down to pee at home when they are tired or it's late at night

In between the hours of 2:00 a.m. and 8:00 a.m., if I have to piss, I'll sit down because I'm grubby. I absolutely sit down. There's nothing to be ashamed of in sitting down if you're tired, plus it's like a little mini workout, you do a little squat.

British soldiers are mandated to sit down to pee in tanks

The British have to sit down when using the toilets in their tanks the piss because they can't stand up in the tank. I believe they like mandate it... I checked myself. That's a good fact check.

If you have to ask if a guy is serious about a relationship, he's just trying to fuck

I think if you're asking then it's he's just trying to fuck. Like if this is like the old... if you're asking if he's into a relationship or just trying to fuck, he's probably just trying to fuck.

Switching to being a Ravens fan is a heavy lifestyle commitment involving purple cargo shorts and defending Ray Lewis

Switching to becoming a Ravens fan... is a much heavier commitment. ... [You wear] purple gray and black camo cargo shorts like six days [a week]... and just smelling like crab chips all day and mispronouncing your L's. ... Then you have to have all these counter-arguments ready for when people bring up Ray Lewis or Ray Rice. It just becomes exhausting.

Guys who work out too much are almost always bad at sports

Guys who work out too much suck at sports. ... Muscle-bound, mostly true. ... He says that guys who are jacked are bad at sports and that's the reason they work out. Is there any truth to this? Yes. Yeah. Well guys we work out too much suck at sports. [They] can't shoot the basketball.

You should never go through your partner's phone because you will never find anything good

I'd say just never go through the phone. Yeah, correct. You're not going to find anything don't do it. No woman has ever picked up a man's phone spent a good 15 minutes on it and been like 'this kicks ass'. I'm really glad that I do know what everything's out of context to that's true.

Crushing oyster shells and putting them in a chicken coop is good for their eggshells.

If you crush up oyster shells and put them in your chicken coop, it's actually really good for the eggshells.

Serious golf guys who travel to Scotland won't cheat on their wives, but business golf guys will

What from you from your perspective... the business golf guys will [cheat]. The like I'm just going to play a few rounds here and there, that guy will cheat on you. The I want to go to Scotland and all I want to do is play golf at one golf... that's his form of cheating on me.

I am officially an ex-NFL kicker because I was once offered an NFL-adjacent tryout.

I'm going to claim that because I was offered a tryout, I'm now an ex-NFL kicker.

Putting an Under Armour logo on a kilt would make men willing to wear dresses

Somebody just needs to invent... If you slap an Under Armour logo onto a kilt or onto just any sort of nice, flowy, long skirt, you can make a dude wear anything. You're just like, this is a sport performance kilt. A guy will wear a dress. It's a golfing kilt.

The longer sports are gone, the harder it will be to reintroduce them to our lives and partners

I'm nervous that the longer sports are gone, the trickier it's going to be to reintroduce them to our lives in terms of partners. I'm very concerned because we're establishing a new normal right now. If we go long enough... you are just degenerately betting on this all day. Try to just ignore [your partner] for three hours a day to get them prepped.

The butt is the easiest hole to get any disease through

I think the—let's be honest—the butt is the easiest hole to get any disease through. Yeah, I would say stay away from that if you're trying to fuck around with someone who's got Corona. All holes no go.

Mrs. McNabb is the greatest Campbell's Chunky Soup mom of all time.

Who was the best Campbell's Chunky Soup Mom? Mrs. McNabb or Mrs. Davis? Oh, I think it's Mrs. McNabb all the way. I don't even know... it's gotta be Mrs. McNabb. The great part about Mrs. McNabb was that when she was doing the commercials, that was like right when all the drama with [Donovan] McNabb and T.O. was going down.

No one is in a committed relationship at the Jersey Shore during summer

Here's the thing about the Jersey Shore is you fall in love with clubs. You don't fall in love with other people... No one's in a relationship at the Jersey Shore, or inside of a Real World house.

Peeing through your partner's legs into the toilet is a great way to improve accuracy and bond

It's a test of your accuracy. It's actually exhilarating... There's no downside to this. Zero only upside. For the environment, accuracy, bonding time. Think about it. You don't get to spend time with your significant other when they're in the bathroom. Now you do.