Takes

If you have to ask if a guy is serious about a relationship, he's just trying to fuck

I think if you're asking then it's he's just trying to fuck. Like if this is like the old... if you're asking if he's into a relationship or just trying to fuck, he's probably just trying to fuck.

Serious golf guys who travel to Scotland won't cheat on their wives, but business golf guys will

What from you from your perspective... the business golf guys will [cheat]. The like I'm just going to play a few rounds here and there, that guy will cheat on you. The I want to go to Scotland and all I want to do is play golf at one golf... that's his form of cheating on me.

Putting an Under Armour logo on a kilt would make men willing to wear dresses

Somebody just needs to invent... If you slap an Under Armour logo onto a kilt or onto just any sort of nice, flowy, long skirt, you can make a dude wear anything. You're just like, this is a sport performance kilt. A guy will wear a dress. It's a golfing kilt.

The butt is the easiest hole to get any disease through

I think the—let's be honest—the butt is the easiest hole to get any disease through.

No one is in a committed relationship at the Jersey Shore during summer

Here's the thing about the Jersey Shore is you fall in love with clubs. You don't fall in love with other people... No one's in a relationship at the Jersey Shore, or inside of a Real World house.

A secret Twitter burner is a healthy way for a sports fan to burn off steam

I think this is actually the healthiest way that a sports fan can burn off some steam. He's found a very normal outlet to be an immature sports fan, which is redundant because we all are. So just let him live.

The Jaguars should trade Nick Foles for a 6th round pick and go all in on Gardner Minshew

Trade Nick Foles? Absolutely. Dude, I would trade him for a six-round conditional pick. ... [Gardner Minshew] is amazing. Why would I not be [all in]?

The umbilical cord acts like a snorkel so pregnant women can swim without the baby drowning

Umbilical cord is like a snorkel. So if you keep your belly button above the water is fine. That's actually fact for real. Yeah, that's how babies breathe.

If a man finds an outfit that works, he should wear it every time

If you're a guy and you find something that works, you run that play until it doesn't work anymore. He got a girlfriend who feels secure enough in the relationship to introduce him to her family. That shit's working.

I always thought Nick Foles was going to be a huge bust in Jacksonville

To be completely honest, my excitement about the Nick Foles era was completely fake. It was fake. I thought that he was going to be a bust. I thought that he was going to be a huge bust in Jacksonville where everything was perfect for him in the Eagle system.

Gardner Minshew is going to be a good quarterback

He wasn't elevating anybody else. He was just getting the ball out on time and things like that. I thought maybe he could do that in Jacksonville, rely on the defense... so I think Gardner's going to be okay. I like Gardner. I like his accuracy.

Peeing in a pool is safer and more logical than getting out to use the bathroom

Stop peeing in the pool? Don't pee in a pool. You're unsafe... You're more likely to injure yourself getting out of a pool and getting back in true than you are if you just stay in the pool and P true... if you walk through the house after being in a pool, you're creating an enormous slip and fall Hazard facts... p in that Soul tip.

No one in history has ever regretted getting a dog

No one regrets a dog. No, no ever that's facts.

Bill Simmons genuinely wants to stop the union at The Ringer

There's a part of me that thinks that what Dave was doing part edge stick today is exactly what Bill Simmons wants to do for real. Bill Simmons lucked into this day because holy shit.

Christian Yelich is not a true home run hitter because he's too skinny

Yellich sucks. He's not good enough to win a home run derby. I still, even a year later, even though he's, like, got 31 home runs or whatever. He doesn't have a home run swing. No, he does not. He's too skinny.

Having sex with the lights on is 'awesome'

No, having sex with lights on is awesome... I like the lights on. I think it's great. So much hotter with the lights on.

Nursing school graduation is a second-tier event that doesn't require a video recording

Should I be mad at my boyfriend for not videoing me walk across the stage at my nursing school graduation? No. Nursing school, that means it's probably your second graduation, right? So you probably already had a degree. Maybe if you were a doctor [it would matter].

Having sex doggy style makes you more likely to have twins

If you have sex doggy style, you're more likely to have twins. That's a fact. If she's on top, you're more likely to have a girl. If a guy's on top, you're more likely to have a dude because you're dominant.

You cannot get pregnant in a jacuzzi

Can't get pregnant in a jacuzzi. Pre-cum is a soccer player. All these are facts. These are just stone cold facts.

The Houston Texans will never win a Super Bowl

The Texans will never win a Super Bowl.

Everyone must watch the Super Bowl

You can't not watch the Super Bowl. Like, you can't... In two weeks' time, you're going to want that football back. Don't take it for granted.

You only get to break one TV in your life due to sports anger

I have a take. I think everyone gets one TV in their life to break. If you show that much passion about a team, then you probably have a lively personality... You got one TV to break in your life. Use it wisely.

Men who buy cats are betas who want to be dominated by an animal

You're dealing with a cat guy here. Cat guys are not alphas. Not an expert negotiator. He basically got a cat because he's such a beta that he wants an animal that will dominate him... If you get a cat as a male in the United States past the age of 10 years old because you want it, you should not be allowed to date one of our American women. Go to France.

Tits are officially making a comeback in 2019

This is going to be the year where tits make a comeback too. That's right. Yep. It's no longer ass season. Asses have had their little time here. People have been all about the ass.

Adults should only want cash for Christmas

If you want to get your significant other something very nice for Christmas, it is C-A-S-H, cash. You become an adult and you realize cash is king... I want the cash so I can pay my bookie.

Rachel McAdams is the number one wifey material

I think that's the meanest thing you can say to a girl because Rachel McAdams is like the number one wifey material. Like she is. Like you'd rather your boyfriend say like your friend looks like a porn star or like some crazy model or something like that. But Rachel McAdams like in Wedding Crashers. Oof, Marron.

Short people are being weeded out by natural selection

[Speaker 3] (1:21:17-1:21:25) No, if you look back in history, the human species has gotten taller as time has gone on, so the short people have been weeded out.

You should never hand someone your phone to show them a picture

You have to be an absolute psycho to hand someone else your phone. You've got to do the holding your phone and scrolling for them. You never give anyone anyone your phone.

I will get a tattoo of Blake Bortles' face if the Jaguars win the Super Bowl

I proclaimed tonight that if you win the Super Bowl, I will get a tattoo of your face somewhere on my body. Wrist, preferably.

Diet is more important than working out for weight loss

It's no secret when people say it's actually not about working out, it's about the diet, because what happens is... because I went to the gym, I was like, I can eat anything I want. And then I ate way worse than I normally would have.

Every woman past the age of 22 adds one pillow to her bed every year

I think it's just every woman who gets past the age of 22 decides that every year they're alive, they need to add one pillow to their bed. And then just eventually they end up with an entire house of pillows. And you're not allowed to sleep on them.

Being the Little Spoon is the superior position because every guy just wants to be cuddled sometimes

Because being Little Spoon is awesome. ... Every now and then, a guy just wants to be cuddled. A guy just wants to feel like the world is a safe place.

Pooping with the door open is an alpha move

I love pooping with the door open. That's a real man thing. Because you have a master of your domain kind of thing. I'm watching over everything while I take a shit.

Morning sex is the best kind of sex, especially in a hotel

I'm going to go on the record. Morning sex is the best sex there is. Hotel sex. In the morning. Ooh. Double threat.

Men and women should never stop grooming their pubic hair

What is the age where it is normal that you stop shaving or waxing your pubes? ... Never is the answer. ... I think you always ... Guys and girls. You got to keep it together down there. I mean, would you let your lawn just go unkempt?

If you need to buy time in a relationship, get a dog instead of a promise ring

What this guy doesn't realize is you don't have to get a promise ring. Get a dog. That's what a dog is. You get the dog, and then that buys you time.

Cash is the greatest Christmas gift you can ever give

So the real answer here is cash. All boyfriends want cash. They want cold, hard cash... Cash is the greatest gift you could ever give... When you open up a card, you're expecting cash in there. Put the fucking cash in there.

Most men who appear on The Bachelorette are 'betas'

And most of those dudes [on The Bachelorette] are betas... I tell everybody, if I was on that season, I would have liked Chad... The things that he was saying was pretty true.

Men are the persecuted gender because male animals have to look attractive in nature

In the animal kingdom, by and large, males actually are the ones who have to bear the burden of looking attractive all the time. Like peacocks or cardinals... Females actually don't have to wear as much makeup... Add up all the animals in the world, and we actually are the persecuted animals. We're the persecuted gender. The male.

Facial hair is an aphrodisiac for women because it shows you can hunt and gather

Facial hair on a man, that is an aphrodisiac for women because it shows that you can provide for a family, you can hunt, you can gather, you can do it all.

Flushing the toilet while someone is showering can cause them to 'shower in poop'

Hank brings up a good point. It messes up the pipes. The poop gets in the pipes... You're going to be showering in your own poop, yeah. I don't want it to be fresh.

Ass-eating season is over and toe-sucking season has returned

Ass-eating's over. I'm calling it. I think toe-sucking season's back. Toe-sucking's back in, guys.

The moon controls both the oceans and human periods

The moon controls all the earth's oceans and periods so it's just kind of it just controls all the liquids in everyone's bodies that's why sometimes when guys look at the moon they start coming. It's just gravity pulling it out of her balls.

Pregnancy is controlled by a woman's mind and Plan B is usually a placebo

Plan B, to my understanding, is actually more often than not a placebo... it tricks the woman's body into thinking that actually she's not pregnant because pregnancy is controlled ultimately by your mind. Only mentally weak women will get pregnant.

Rickie Fowler is coming off desperate by liking all 164 of his girlfriend's Instagram posts

Ricky Fowler, who apparently has been liking... He's liked every single one of his girlfriend's Instagram posts. Yes, 164... He's coming off a little desperate. Maybe tone it down.

Rory McIlroy will not stay off Twitter for more than a week

He got in a fight on Twitter and he gave his Twitter password to his wife... That's going to last about a week. Rory's going to be Jones in to get those retweets back. He's going to have some tweets to fire off.

Women carry up to two liters of extra blood during their periods

It's actually a fact. Women during their periods are carrying up to two liters more blood than the average human.

Avoid dating hardcore runners at all costs

You don't want to get in a relationship with a hardcore runner, because then you're going to be getting up at 6 a.m. on Saturdays. You always see those couples, and they're running... and one of them looks absolutely miserable... steer clear of runners.

Men stay in the bathroom for 45 minutes just to avoid being nagged by their partners

The real answer, to answer your question, female listener, is we spend that much time in the bathroom because that's the only place you can't nag us. We're avoiding you.

A guy who is 'over the top nice' early in a relationship is hiding something

If he's over the top nice, if he's buying you stuff constantly and flowers and writing you cards, he's probably hiding something. Because no guy after three or four dates is going to keep putting in that amount of effort. Or he's too clingy... If he keeps pouring it on, he's probably hiding something. That's a fuckboy.