PFT Commenter

Rooting for sloppy, terrible basketball is as fun as rooting for scoring

I get that you feel bad rooting against teams scoring points. But there's a beauty to rooting for teams to just play sloppy-ass ball and turn the ball over all the time and have really egregious fouls and backcourt violations and five-second violations. There's a lot of fun to be had in that, and I feel like you're missing out on it by adhering to this stringent rule that life's too short to bet the unders.

Darren Rovell is the 'well-actually guy' of the NCAA tournament

Darren Rovell, who makes a case in point to tell everybody in America that he does not fill out a bracket, because guess what? Eight years ago, for the first time, he decided not to do a bracket, and it's so much more fun watching the tournament without it. So he is the well-actually guy of the NCAA tournament.

Burning tape or burying a football only provides momentum for exactly one win

[Big Cat]: Burning tape or burying a football will always give you a little extra juice the next game. [PFT]: It gives you exactly one win. And then you kind of run out of energy because you've done all your crazy shit.

If you want your team to win, do something weird like faking a heart attack

The bottom line is if you're a head coach and you want to get your team to really get back on the right path, do something really weird. If that's like faking a heart attack or if that's like... like pissing all over your assistants like fanny pack or whatever. Like do something weird. Get your team kind of in a weird frame of mind so that they go out there and act like animals.

Yale vs Duke Under is my lock of the century

That's my lock of the century. Put the money in the bank right now. It's done... if you start a good place to start is by betting the under on two teams that you hate. [Yale vs Duke]

Chris Jones should be immune to traffic tickets because of his Combine incident

I feel like if you're the guy whose dick broke through his shorts just because he's running too fast you got to get a carte blanche on driving with a suspended license... I've got to side with Chris Jones on this and not the Police Lives Matter crew.

LeBron James is passive-aggressive and can't spell his own metaphors

That's LeBron James because J.J. Watt would never tweet anything as passive-aggressive as that... He also did spell it wrong. He said, you can't accomplish the dream if everyone isn't dreaming the same thing every day.

Quitting your job before March Madness is the best feeling in the world

It is the best two days of the year to call in sick for work, bar none. I had some friends, and back like six or seven years ago, we would all quit our jobs in anticipation of March Madness so that we just wouldn't have to worry about going into work... it feels like you're on heroin because it's such a reckless thing to do for like this little bit of endorphin payout.

Synthetic turf fields are cancer hotbeds for kids

There have been like five or six goalies that dive too much and get tires up their nose... and they come down with childhood cancer. And like that's, that would affect a lot of people across the United States. If that's true, because we've completely gotten rid of all of our grass fields. And now we've just got these cancer hotbeds.

Woodpeckers prove that concussions aren't real because they don't have CTE

If concussions were real, don't you think that woodpeckers would have a lot of concussions? Don't you think woodpeckers have CTE? All they do is just like headbutt trees all day long.

The 'Suh Dude' trend is worthy of respect because of its commitment to laziness

Anytime you're too lazy to pronounce the third letter of a word that has three letters in it, that is worthy of a little bit of respect for trying that hard to be so lazy. ... To pronounce and actually speak English to another person is a total try hard move.

The position parents are in during conception determines their child's athletic ability

I'm not a doctor, but, like, is there a way to tell, like, what position the parents were in when the kid was conceived? ... maybe the Gronkowskis, maybe they've got this stable of just super athletes being poured out of there because, like, maybe [Gordy] and the mom were, like, sprinting in some weird position while the conception occurred.

Joey Bosa is just a working man's Chris Long

Joey Bosa, I think is like he's a working man's Chris Long is what I've been saying about him.

Chris Long would catch 85 passes in a season from Tom Brady

I think you're selling yourself short because you're extremely humble... I'd put you upwards of like 80, 85.

Someone will eventually make a career out of just rewording Adam Schefter tweets

Some people are going to be really successful. There are going to be some people that make a career off of doing that [rewording other people's tweets] the best, and they'll eventually work their way to the top if they fake it long enough. The person who's going to be the best at marketing themselves doing that is going to be like a legitimate news source in 15 years.

Cincinnati is always a 'dangerous' team because their coach Bob Huggins might stab you

I think danger in general is you want to be the dangerous team... It implies that like they could either beat you in basketball or maybe stab you... Any Bob Huggins team is going to be dangerous.

FGCU (Dunk City) will be a 'dangerous' 16-seed because of their name brand

Dunk City, FGCU, I guarantee you there's going to be some people out there that say, watch out, this team could make some noise because you remember two years ago when they dunked on people. Even though they're going to be a 16 seed, there are going to be people out there that label them as a possible dark horse dangerous team.

A number one seed only 'makes noise' if they reach the Final Four

If you're a number one seed, you've got to get to the Final Four. I think that would be the only noise that you could make.

Robert Griffin III needs to cut his hair to look professional for job interviews

If I'm Robert Griffin, I got to cut the hair at this point... You don't want to go into a job interview looking like a hippie... Cut the hair off and be clean cut. Get back to business. Let people know that you're ready to go to work.

The Cleveland Browns are smarter to do nothing in free agency than to fail spectacularly again

I think the Browns are just playing the game where they fucked up so bad in the past and everything that they've done that not doing anything is actually a smarter move than trying to do something and failing because you can't stay still. You're going to piss off your fans for about six months if you don't do anything in free agency. But a fan's not going to remember that like a year from now.

The NFL Draft is essentially just kidnapping players for the benefit of the Cleveland Browns

The only reason [the Browns] can get players to play on their team is by essentially tricking them to join the team via the draft. That's pretty much – the draft is kidnapping players, if we're going to be honest with themselves.

Adam Schefter is on the comeback trail after getting 'killed' by Ian Rapoport

I would not be surprised to see Schefter on the comeback trail. You see a little life coming out of him when he's yelling at Hannah Storm. You see a little life when he's getting pissed off about getting [fake reported]. ... Don't count him out just yet.

Adam Schefter is a 'strong buy' because he still has the fire to make a comeback

I like that fire, though. You got to have that fire to make a comeback. So Adam Schefter is a strong buy for me.

The band 311 is one of the top five most overrated bands of all time

In honor of 311, I'm going to talk about overrated bands. And number one on my list is the band 311. ... 311 is the band that your friend in middle school that started smoking weed before everybody got really into. ... The fact is that 311 just sucks. And they have maybe one or two songs that I will not change the radio station to. But overall, I would say that 311 is, even when you're high, 311 is one of the top five most overrated bands of all time.

ESPN definitely picked the wrong people to mess with because we have nothing to lose

I think they definitely picked the wrong people to fuck with on this one. Like we got nothing to lose.

ESPN should be thanking us for elevating the brands of 'Pardon the Interruption' and 'First Take'

I would say that they should be on their hands and knees thanking us that we're doing more to elevate the Pardon the Interruption and First Take brand, because now they're affiliated with our brand.

The more lawsuits ESPN files against us, the stronger we get

I want to have them file lawsuits at me nonstop because the more they file, the stronger I get... the more lawsuits we have filed against us, the better we get.

The internet will side with us over ESPN in this legal battle

If I know anything about the Internet, the Internet's going to have our back. Nobody's going to side with ESPN on this. They're going to look real bad.

If John Skipper couldn't get the Chargers to move to L.A., he won't be able to stop our podcast

[John Skipper] is the guy that couldn't even get the Chargers to move up to L.A. I don't think that he's going to be able to get our podcast up there.

I have zero confidence that any running back free agent signing by any team is going to play out

I have zero confidence that any running back free agent signing by any team is going to play out. But the Jaguars keep going back to that.

The Raiders will get good and then immediately move to L.A., totally screwing over the city of Oakland.

I think what's what's going to happen is you're going to see the Raiders get really good... or start to get good and then move to L.A. right as they get good and totally screw over the city of Oakland.

Matthew Stafford will be the worst quarterback in the NFC North without Calvin Johnson.

Matt Stafford is getting paid a shitload of money, and now he's probably going to be the worst quarterback in the NFC North. And it looks like it's not going to get better for him... because call me crazy, but I'm not so sure that the Jim Bob Cooter offense is legit.

Radio talk show listeners who also use Twitter are the dumbest people in America.

I think that radio talk show listeners who also use Twitter are the dumbest people in America.

Meth Johnny Manziel would be better than weed Johnny Manziel because you want him on edge

I would put meth Johnny Manziel over weed Johnny Manziel because weed would mellow him out too much... you want Johnny like on edge, right? You want him to be running around a little bit. The best plays that he had when he was in college were like, he was tweaking almost like he was just panicked.

Mike Ditka hates Obamacare more than he hates the Green Bay Packers.

If there's one thing that Ditka hates more than the Packers, it's Obamacare. He absolutely hates Obamacare for some reason. So I'm going to miss his hot takes.

The Washington Redskins are exactly like Nazi Germany because they win the offseason but get bent over once the actual war starts

I would compare the Redskins to Nazi Germany because the Redskins like to win the offseason every year. And Nazi Germany was also very good about taking over countries when there wasn't an actual war going on. And then once the war started, they got bent over by the Russians and the United States. So I would characterize the Washington Redskins as being very Hitler like in their approach to football.

The New England Patriots are the Russia of the NFL because of the spying and the 'Cold War.'

Russia and the Patriots, right? It's a natural fit. It's the cold war. They're spying on us. Patriots, Spygate, it's a perfect melange of the two. I don't think that you can find actually a better fit than that.

Pardon My Take will be the best place for sports arguments until we develop drug problems and tap out

This is gonna be the best place to get all your sports arguments and debates for the next several years until we both develop severe drug problems and tap out, have to have to take a couple years off. And then we'll have a reunion and they'll do like a behind the music on us.

Roger Goodell is the best commissioner the NFL has ever seen

I actually wanna do the opposite of killed Goodell. I want to make sure Goodell stays in power forever. 'cause I love what he's done to the Patriots and he's just like a personal hero of mine. I think that he's, he's the best commissioner of the league's ever seen.

If you can get your point across without spelling correctly, your take is stronger

If you can get your point across without having to spell every word correctly, you know, you've got a damn strong point. Right. If you have to make sure that everything's in its nice little order... is your take really that much worth reading to begin with? If it has to be spelled correctly?

Comment sections deliver the most pure and unfiltered takes on the internet

That's why comment sections usually deliver the most unfiltered Correct takes. It's because like you're in a race to get your takeout before somebody beats you on it. So like, you can't be bothered to make sure that it's a hundred percent factually correct... this is just like brain to internet. Like there's no filter.

The Colts should have fired Chuck Pagano and kept Bruce Arians as head coach in 2012

My application to Bleacher Report was saying that the coach should fire Chuck Pagano and keep Bruce Arians as their head coach. And this was a season that he had cancer... And I was like, this is a results league and Arians is, is carrying the team and Chuck Pagano is costing them a fortune in medical bills.

Kornheiser and Wilbon use the 5th minute of PTI as a crutch; we are better journalists than they are

I think what we're planning on doing what, four good minutes, not five good minutes. Kornheiser and Wilbon maybe use that extra minute as a crutch. It is a crutch. Yeah. No, we're much better interviewers and journalists than they are.

People forget that the 1980 US Olympic hockey win over the USSR was not the gold medal game

People forget that when the United States beat the USSR hockey team, that wasn't the gold medal game. [That was the medal round.] I would say actually 60% of America would forget that.

Harrison Ford's earring is the most 'try hard' accessory in life

Number two is Harrison Ford. Harrison Ford is a try hard earring. His earring is the most try hard, it's the worst. And, and he, he seems like such a dick too. And like you can't, I can't believe that he has gone this far in life without having somebody say, dude, rip that shit out.

Chris Jones should embrace his NFL Combine wardrobe malfunction and market himself as the 'big dick guy'

I think he needs to just run with us and totally embrace it and always be the guy with a big dick... show up to press conferences wearing like extremely tight [jeans]... capitalize on it and market himself as the big dick guy. Like he's, there's money to be made out there.

Quarterbacks with broken feet are only 'hurt' and should still play because you don't throw with your foot

There's a difference between being hurt and being injured. Anyone who's ever played high school football knows that. If you have a broken foot and you're a quarterback, you should still get out there and play. You're only hurt because you don't throw with your foot. You throw with your hips, you throw with your eyes.

Derrick Rose is in a permanent state of being so hurt that he's actually injured

With Derrick Rose. I, I say he is injured by a thousand hertz. Like he's gotten hurt so many times that it's all like just one big injury for him right now at this point. His body is just in a permanent state of being so hurt that it's injured... His mind, body and soul.

Society needs to remove the stigma from adults accidentally shitting their pants

At least I'm talking about it. I'm being open and honest about it. Like, let's get rid of the stigma that goes along with shitting yourself. There's no sense crying over spilled milk. And so I'm fine with it.

Pardon My Take will change the entire world of podcasting

It's gonna change the entire world of podcasting. No, I mean I'm not, I'm not raising my voice. What I'm saying I'm not quivering. Like that's just the cold hard truth.