PFT Commenter

Power ranking of sports figures: 1. Football Guy, 2. Hockey Lifer, 3. Baseball Man, 4. Basketball Mind

Football guy number one. We got to go hockey lifer number two because that guy's seen some shit. You have to cross the border 20 times a year. He knows all the smuggling tricks. Hockey lifer's number two. Baseball man, number three. And then basketball mind, number four in my book.

Twitter is going to turn into a television station for a while

So Twitter just agreed to broadcast 10 of the 16 Thursday night football games next year. What's going to happen, I think, is Twitter's going to just turn into a television station for a while.

Greg Hardy's best possible legacy move is to be completely forgotten

The best thing that Greg Hardy could do is be forgotten. That's as good as it's going to get for his legacy. Why don't you get a horse and go live in the mountains someplace and don't bother anybody for a while?

It only counts as Opening Day if you can skip work and get drunk during the day

I only count it as opening day if you can skip work and get drunk during the day and watch baseball. Otherwise, like a Sunday night, I could do that any other week of the year.

Fireball is an acceptable ballpark drink until September 1st

I like to do airplane minis, like the mini bottles of Fireball... It's kind of like you don't wear white after Labor Day. You don't want to be drinking Fireball after like September 1st. After September 1st, you want to lose the flavored whiskey and get like some Jack Daniels or something because it's about a playoff push. So you got to focus. None of this sugary crap.

Old milk is at its best in coffee once it has been turning for two days and is right on the line of being drinkable.

I like to use old milk in my coffee because it's got a little extra kick to it. No, it's a fine line between being like rancid and being drinkable. And so like when it first starts to turn those first two days, that's when it's best in coffee.

The Reds will finish in second place in the NL Central

Out of the NL Central, I've got the Reds followed up by the Cubs. I don't know. I think the Cubs are going to be a good wildcard team this year... If they come in second place in the division, I'm going to look like the smartest guy in baseball.

Losing a heartbreaker is better than getting blown out because women will console you

I would much rather be on a team that loses by like one point on a half court buzzer beater, because after the game's over, you're a little upset, you're sad, but guess what? There are going to be some chicks around. They're going to want to console you... If you get blown out, like you're even your wife at that point is going to pretend that she doesn't know who you are.

Double rims are the worst thing in basketball because you can't make a shot unless you swish it.

Is there anything worse than like meeting up with your friends playing pickup basketball and you get to a place and it's double rims? ... You can't make a shot unless you swish it. Like it's the worst feeling. It's such like a sink in the gut that you get when you see those damn double rims.

J.J. Watt should commit a small crime like animal abuse to fix his bad boy image

J.J. needs to kind of break out of this goody two shoes, like vibe that he's putting out... I think he just needs to go out and commit a small crime, like animal abuse, you know, a crime. Nobody really cares about something like that. Maybe start a small fire. That would kind of give him that little bit of a bad boy edge.

To fix your public image after a DUI, enter treatment, disappear for 40 days, and return with an inspirational tweet.

That's step one, enter treatment. You kind of got to bite the bullet on this one and just say, it's on me, and then disappear for, I don't know, 40 days or something, and then come back with an inspirational tweet, and then you're pretty much good. Everybody will forget about it.

April Fool's jokes are only for women and corporations

I feel like April Fool's jokes are for chicks. Let's be honest. It's for chicks and also like corporations. It's really it's a holiday for girls and for brands. That's about it.

The Long family would beat the Gronkowski family in a Royal Rumble-style fight

Eventually we'll have [the Longs] do like a WrestleMania-type thing against the Gronkowskis, like a Royal Rumble or a tag team event... I would probably take the Longs, to be honest. I think both Kyle and Chris outweigh Rob Gronkowski... And then if you throw the dads into the equation... I would absolutely take the Longs. I think that Howie is a crazy man.

90% of NFL players likely have a torn groin by the end of a season

I don't think that a torn groin is like – I'd say 90% of the NFL has a torn groin by the end of the season. I don't think this is anything special.

Quentin Tarantino thinks he isn't racist because he uses the N-word so frequently in his films

I feel like Tarantino is going down that route where he's like he's used the N word so many times that he's not racist. Like he's one of the good white guys because he's not afraid to use the N word in his like period pieces because he's technically making fun of the racist from those periods.

It's my constitutional duty to be drunk when attending presidential debates

I feel like it's my constitutional duty to be drunk when I'm attending these things like presidential debates. If I'm interviewing Ben Carson about baby Hitler, if I'm talking to Donald Trump about whether or not he's a Muslim because he doesn't drink, I'm very serious about that.

Matt Harvey's bladder infection story will lead to an uptick in SAT scores

What are the long-term ramifications of a big news story about a major league pitcher that doesn't pee enough? And I thought, well, this upcoming SAT season, you're probably going to see a big uptick in the overall scores on SATs because there are going to be a lot more guys that are going to be like, hey, I have to go pee and then go cheat in the bathroom.

Dating an Instagram model with over 20,000 followers is asking to get cheated on

I also say that if you, if you date somebody who on Instagram has over like 20,000 followers, you're pretty much asking to get cheated on too. Because, because in her mind, the only thing that matters to her is taking a picture of something that's going to get a lot of likes.

White people need to take back the word 'thug'

I think that white people need to take back the word thug. There we go. That's something that we got to start hating Tom Izzo and take back the word thug.

Use the 'Jenny' phone number (867-5309) at drug stores to get rewards discounts without giving your real info

If you go to a CVS or really any grocery store that has a rewards program and they ask you to enter in your phone number... if you type in 8-6-7-5-3-0-9, the Jenny number... That will usually get you a discount because people don't want to give their actual number.

A heartbreaking three-point loss is more mentally devastating than a twenty-point blowout

I feel like if Wisconsin loses by three points, it's a lot worse for your psyche and your mental state than losing by 20 points because you've checked out at halftime in the UNC case.

J.J. Watt will never actually come on the show

If I'm putting money on it, I'm saying that he's not going to come on the show and that he's just doing this as a one-time thing to try to get a brief amount of credit but not really following up on it.

Ryan Spangler (Oklahoma) wins the 'Pitsnoggle Award' for the worst tattoo in college basketball

This dude [Ryan Spangler] has probably the worst tattoo that I've seen this year in college basketball on his shoulder. It's like a massive tribal design that I don't think he even knows what it is. I feel like there needs to be an award every year... name it after like Kevin Pittsnogle... The Pittsnogle Award for the shittiest college tattoo. I think, without a doubt, this year Spangler's got it.

Oklahoma fans will forget they even played in the National Championship game two weeks after it ends

I got the Sooners and the Tar Heels in the finals, and I got UNC winning, and like Oklahoma, their fans just really don't—forget about it like two weeks later that they were ever in the national championship game because they don't really give a shit about basketball.

There is 'no chance' Coach K's program at Duke has been run as squeaky clean as people believe

There's got to be dozens of Coach K scandals that have been covered up over the past 20 years, right? There's no chance that his program has been run as squeaky clean as we've been led to believe that it has.

You can pitch for two weeks on a torn ACL

I feel like you could pitch for, like, at least two weeks on a torn ACL... Philip Rivers played a playoff game. People forget that a lot of times. He had a torn ACL... So, like, you're a pitcher. I feel like you should be able to pitch.

Robert Griffin III performs best when there are no expectations

He performs really well when he has low expectations. So I think it's a good fit for that. Like he went to Baylor. Nobody expected him to do shit at Baylor. Played well there. Played well his first year in Washington. I mean, nobody expects a Redskins quarterback to be very good. And then once they got to the playoffs, all of a sudden he had expectations.

Robert Griffin III's career will eventually be ended by a massive staph infection in the Browns' locker room

That is probably the last locker room that you want to be in if you're recovering from like a knee surgery... I could see this going very poorly for [Griffin]. Like he has some minor surgery in the off season and then his career is ended by a massive staph infection.

Robert Griffin III will start 6-8 games for the Browns, win three, and become a career backup after getting injured

Griffin will start six to eight games this year, and he'll win three of them. So it'll be like RG three and three. And then he'll get injured again, and then they'll bring in, you know, whichever quarterback that they draft at the second overall pick. And then Griffin will just be on the bench again, and then he'll be a career backup after that.

The NFL told the Rams they wouldn't have to do 'Hard Knocks' if they drafted Michael Sam

What came out yesterday was that the Rams, when they were drafting him [Michael Sam], they got a call from the NFL league office and the NFL said, hey, if you draft Michael Sam, we won't make you do Hard Knocks because they were one of like three or four teams that could possibly do Hard Knocks that year. And so they drafted Michael Sam. This report says to avoid having the HBO cameras in their locker room the whole time.

If Jeff Fisher is fired, he will spend six years on CBS before coaching the Raiders

What will happen to Jeff is if they go like 3-13, if they have fewer than six wins this year, he'll get fired. And then he'll be on CBS for like the next six years pretending to laugh during the pregame show. And then he'll go back to the Raiders or something like that.

Jeff Fisher helped move the Rams to LA specifically to have excuses for poor coaching performance

I am absolutely convinced that Jeff Fisher was instrumental in like moving the entire franchise of the Rams to LA because Jeff knew that once he gets to Los Angeles, he's coming off a big move. He's got some excuses. If things don't go well, he's like, I'm still unpacking my shit... you can't fire him if he just has the cable guy at his house all the time.

Pure 'Football Guys' are likely to become serial killers if they are ever fired and forced to be domesticated

These football guys, you got to watch out for them because if they ever get fired, these are the guys that are going to be serial killers. They don't know what to do with their lives. It's like when Greg Schiano got fired... his family was like, get this weirdo the fuck out of our house.

True 'Football Guys' don't actually poop because their bodies are too efficient

Real football guys, their bodies operate so efficiently that they—first of all, they don't really eat meals because they're just too busy watching film. They eat like a couple granola bars... their bodies are just so efficient at burning everything, converting everything to energy. They just like—they don't crap. It just all goes right into the muscles or the fat... I don't think that Jeff Fisher can crap his pants because I would submit that Jeff Fisher doesn't crap.

Syracuse's zone defense is essentially cheating and violates the gentleman's agreement of college basketball

I feel like playing the zone defense is something that any team could do in the tournament, but nobody does it because it's cheating, basically. Like, it's a gentleman's agreement that, yeah, we could all play zone and be pretty good at defense. It's like playing against your friend in GoldenEye and they play as Oddjob.

The NCAA banning the slam dunk for nine years was the most racist rule in sports history

So people forget that college basketball banned the slam dunk for nine years. And they banned it because of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar because he was dunking on all these white guys. I think that's probably the most racist rule to ever be enacted—like blatantly racist rule to ever be enacted in sports is that you're not allowed to dunk the ball anymore in basketball.

If a pitcher ever dies on the mound, MLB will force pitchers to wear helmets and face contraptions

Well, so if a pitcher dies on the baseball mound, the game is going to like completely change. Right. They're going to make pitchers wear helmets and there may be even like some sort of weird face contraption. I don't know.

The best way to cure a hangover in Las Vegas is to breathe the oxygen pumped into the casinos

Actually, the best thing to do in Vegas if you're hungover is to go down to the casino and start playing some cards or go to the sports book because they pump oxygen into the casinos. And so if you want to not be tired anymore, just go down there and breathe that thick-ass air, and you'll be okay much faster than if you got an IV.

The best way to quit gambling is through 'aversion therapy' by intentionally losing bets to get a bad taste in your mouth

Teach yourself some—what's it called when you—like aversion therapy? You want to bet on some bets that you know are going to lose. You want to lose some bets and get a bad taste in your mouth from gambling... and you won't want to do it anymore.

Birthdays are only for girls once you turn 20 years old

Birthdays are for chicks now, right? Like after you turn 20 years old, birthdays are for chicks. Hand over your man card, JJ [Watt]. Birthdays aren't men's stuff anymore.

A nose tackle is the best job in the NFL

I would love to be a nose tackle in the NFL because your job description is like eat as much shit as you want, as long as you can stand up and just not fall over backwards from your own girth. Just be so big that it takes two people to touch you at the same time.

Coaches should be allowed to bring firearms to practice for motivation

I think the NCAA should reinstate the rule that allows coaches to bring firearms to practices. I think that would — you'd see a lot more toughness coming out of these guys.

LeBron James will announce he is re-signing with the Cavs by re-following them on Twitter

I actually think what's happening is that LeBron unfollowed the Cavs and that when he signs his option... he's going to announce it by refollowing the Cavs. It's such a shitty, like not cool thing to do, but it's so lame that it perfectly fits something that he would think was a good idea.

Watching the first half of any March Madness game is a waste of time

What are you even doing if you're watching the first five minutes of a March Madness game? I don't think I've ever done that.

Psychiatrists should give out Adderall prescriptions specifically for the first two weekends of the NCAA tournament

I feel like there needs to be a psychiatrist that gives out prescriptions for Adderall specifically for these first two weekends of the NCAA tournament just to get us through Sunday. That's a genuine medical issue that I'm dealing with right now coming down from like a four-day hangover.

I am officially done with Bill Murray

I've reached the point where, like, I'm sick of Bill Murray just showing up to stuff. It used to be for the last five years he would just, like, show up somewhere and you'd be expected to laugh... now it's to the point where, okay, Bill, we get it. Like, you show up places where you're not invited sometimes. I don't think it's fun anymore.

Northern Iowa would have won if they played their bench of 'small white guys' who know how to take charges and throw the ball off legs

If they just put their bench in for the end of that game, those guys could at least, I guarantee you, everybody on Northern Iowa's bench could throw a ball off their opponent's leg better than anyone else that was in the game. As a small white guy, that's one thing that I knew how to do really, really well... you put that bench in, you might give up like four or five, six points, but you're not losing that game.

The US government should use March Madness commercials for subliminal brainwashing

If the U.S. government ever wants to do like a Big Brother plot, they should just put subliminal messages in all the commercials in March Madness. They could brainwash all of America in like one full weekend.

The best PR move for any scandal is to check into 'treatment' without explanation

Check into treatment... Don't give us an explanation. Just like disappear for 20 days and then you come back and you're like, I'm healed... When you just say it's a real problem that needs treatment, people now all of a sudden can't make jokes about it.

The Chive is responsible for making Bill Murray annoying

The Chive is to blame for like all the stuff that i hate about bill murray... They just wrote, they did tits and ass and then they said, Bill Murray, comma, get it. Now i'm more confident than ever in my Bill Murray take.