PFT Commenter

Curt Schilling's move to Fox Sports won't work because they already have too many people doing the same bit

He's probably going to go to Fox Sports, and it's not going to work there because Fox Sports already has a bunch of people that do what he does. Was it going to be him and Jason Whitlock just playing grab ass all day over there? It's not going to be the same as it was at ESPN.

Conor McGregor's retirement tweet was a brilliant marketing move to generate buzz

Excellent marketing move on his part... we were all talking about MMA, like in the offseason of MMA, pretty much. So, yeah. Excellent marketing move on his part.

JJ Watt will get a DUI within six months if he keeps up his current public persona

He either comes on Pardon My Take and doesn't interview anybody and is actually real for a little bit... or two, he keeps up the facade, and then six months later, he gets a DUI, and then it's all just completely busted. ... If you keep this up, and then you get a DUI, guess what? You're screwed.

Jon Jones' claim of marijuana addiction is a PR move because it's not a real addiction

Jon Bones Jones today came out and said like, yeah, I used to smoke a lot of weed and now I don't anymore. And so now I'm back on the straight and narrow. ... That's just not really an addiction. They're not going to be mad at you. Like that's just... just not really an addiction.

Cal Ripken Jr. used performance-enhancing drugs to maintain his consecutive games streak

I think that we need to bring back steroid accusations because you're absolutely right. So I'll get it started by reiterating my favorite steroid claim of all time, and that's that Cal Ripken Jr. used steroids or performance-enhancing drugs to break that streak.

Conor McGregor will transition to the WWE

You saw that the last, what, six people that McGregor has followed on Twitter have all been WWE guys. So is Conor McGregor going to be a wrestler?

Rob Ryan sleeping at the Bills facility is a bigger 'Football Guy' move than Dan Mullen's marathon

Without a doubt, Rob Ryan's sleeping at the facility. And here's why. Rex Ryan, now that he's got his brother in town, they're doing nothing but hanging out at the Bills facility, drinking Fireball and just like sleeping on cots. And to them, that's like summer camp. So that is a football guy move. Dan Mullen running a long distance and like showing off about it. That's more of a basketball lifer move.

Donald Trump will choose Carly Fiorina as his running mate to counter Hillary Clinton

My guess would be he goes [Carly] Fiorina if he runs against Hillary Clinton just so he can be like, I'm not sexist. Some of my best running mates are women. He should.

Mike Zimmer would be an ideal Vice President for Donald Trump due to their similar tans and attitudes

My number one will be Mike Zimmer. They've got the same tan. Mike Zimmer's got a no-nonsense type attitude going on. ... He communicates the same way that Donald Trump does, just direct, straightforward.

Jeff Fisher is the perfect Vice Presidential candidate because he is consistently mediocre

I think I'm going to have to go with your boy, Jeff Fisher, just because, like, he proves that he is a guy that will stick around. In fact, at the very, very least, if you take Fisher, you're getting an average candidate, right? He's consistent. He's not going to commit any huge gaffes, but he's also not going to win over any votes. So he's basically going to keep your approval numbers exactly what they are. Jeff Fisher's only hole is the glaring hole that he's entirely mediocre.

Wearing a headband increases an athlete's vertical jump by four inches

I've always had a theory about headbands too, that headbands increase your vertical jump at least temporarily by about four inches.

Curt Schilling is deliberately trying to get fired by ESPN

I think Kurt's trying to get himself fired at this point. ... He's pulling, didn't George Costanza do that at one point? I think that's what Schilling's doing. ... He's going to continue down this road if ESPN doesn't fire him.

Matthew Dellavedova could make the roster of most NHL teams

I will say that Matt Dellavedova could probably make the roster of most NHL players, but he's probably the only NBA player that I think could cross over into the other sport.

Ice is the great equalizer that allows for upsets in the NHL

It's because ice is the great equalizer. That's the X factor right there. Anytime you get people on slippery substances, you open the door for a big upset, which is why I love the NHL.

I would rather get punched in the face than get face-washed by a guy with a sweaty hockey glove

The face wash is probably, I would rather get punched in the face than get face-washed by a guy with a sweaty glove.

The NBA's new hustle stats are just a way for Matthew Dellavedova's agent to get him a big payday

Basically it's like—it's Matthew Dellavedova's agent coming up with these stats to try to get Delly a big payday this offseason. Just being in somebody's face for a shot is now a stat.

My $200 bet on Donald Trump to win the election is looking like a great bet

By the way, just want to say put $200 on Donald Trump about a year ago. That's looking pretty good right now.

Leicester City converted a penalty in the 93rd minute to salvage their Cinderella story

The Cinderella story, Leicester, they were losing today, and they were playing with 10 men, and then they got a penalty called in the 93rd minute, and they converted to salvage a point.

Johnny Manziel should buy a house instead of renting to avoid party damage headlines

My PR 101 advice to Johnny would be—this is basic stuff—buy a house, don't rent. Interest rates being what they are these days, you're getting some bad financial advice so just look to buy, don't look to rent.

The drug option is the best way to survive Coachella as a 30-year-old

If you go to Coachella for the first time as a 31 year old... you either go all the way [becoming a Coachella guy] or you just like totally tune out via the drug option. I think I would go drug option right now.

Someone is going to die from the table-jumping trend

No, somebody's already died. We just have—they just didn't look about it. They deleted the video. So it never got out. [Later] But we all know someone's going to die.

The table-jumping trend started because losers of beer pong wanted a way to destroy the table and put an exclamation point on the game

I think that's where it gets started from is, or no, it's probably usually the losers that would just want to destroy the table. You need a strong exclamation point on the game of beer pong, destroying the tables as strong as it gets.

Jeff Fisher is trading draft picks to the Titans to secure a future front-office job for himself in Tennessee

I predict that within like three years, Jeff Fisher is going to go back to Tennessee in some capacity. Whether that's like as a general manager or [involved in ownership] ... I think he's making a nest for himself. I think he's giving them all these draft picks to select like a decent amount of good players. And then that's his escape hatch in two years if it doesn't work out in LA.

John Gruden would be a serial killer if football didn't exist

If football did not exist, I think that John Gruden would be a serial killer. I don't see any other outlet that he could possibly have besides football where he can be like this meticulous and this passionate and not end up killing at least like a half dozen people.

Johnny Manziel should move in with Tim Tebow for the rest of the offseason

PR 101, Johnny Manziel move in with Tim Tebow for the rest of this offseason... Let Tebow work on them for a while. Talk about an odd couple. If you were to make that some sort of like pay-per-view reality show and charge $100 per episode, I'm in.

Kobe Bryant has given people more false confidence than Adolf Hitler

He's trapped a lot of really weak-minded people into believing that if you go around all the time and act like you're the shit... then you're going to be the best person in whatever field that you've chosen. So he's given a lot of false confidence to people, probably more false confidence to people than Adolf Hitler, I would say.

Friends is the most overrated television show in history

I'll even go out on a limb here and say that friends is the most overrated television show in the history of television.

The phrase 'Black Mamba' should be banned from television because it might be offensive

If people out there are getting offended by it, then, you know, TV should be a safe space. So I say that, yes, you should not be allowed to say Black Mamba on television anymore.

Hockey would be much more popular if goals were worth eight points like football

The greatest trick that football ever played is making their scores worth six points... If hockey changed to eight-point goals, this guy would be in. Okay, so if we ever develop a sport – Trick number one is make the single goals or points worth like eight times. Make everything worth like eight points. And then you've got yourself a sport.

There is nothing worse than getting shut out in the NHL playoffs

And there's nothing worse than getting shut out in the NHL playoffs. It's awful. You know what else is bad is overtime hockey when your team is in it. If another person's team is in it, it's great... But when it's your team, you just want to eat a gun.

Home ice advantage does not exist in the NHL playoffs

You know what I don't like about playoff hockey is that there's basically no home ice advantage. It doesn't exist. The ice is the same everywhere you go.

Bill Belichick is a baller for skipping a subpoena to study film

He was subpoenaed during the Aaron Hernandez double murder trial, and he just didn't show up in court... That's Belichick just being a baller... He treated it like he had a late movie to Blockbuster, not a fucking murder trial subpoena.

Pissing rhabdo-colored urine makes you the best possible teammate

That dark shade of brown that's above clear piss. That's if you have rhabdo. That's when you're actually the best teammate. Sacrificing yourself. When your body is deteriorating, your muscle is deteriorating and you're pissing it out.

Jay Mariotti and Woody Page have officially broken up

PFT... broke the heartbreaking news that Jay Mariotti and Woody Page have broken up... For the last couple of shows, it's just been Jay. Strictly Mariotti. No, there hasn't been an announcement... I needed Woody to counterbalance Jay.

Buffalo Wild Wings is a moth to a flame that draws you in during airport delays

Flight got delayed for like two hours, and I was just staring at a Buffalo Wild Wings... My diet lasted about 10 hours because that Buffalo Wild Wings drew me in like a moth to a flame. And I was just like, I'll take five.

Jordan Spieth threw his caddy under the bus by referring to his mistakes as 'we'

Spieth did kind of throw his caddy under the bus in his post-game press conference. ... So he kept saying we, which is kind of weird, right? Because you're a golfer, and you're the guy out there hitting the shots. He's like, we had a tough time on 12. We made some bad shots.

Ernie Els is the biggest winner of the 2016 Masters because Jordan Spieth's meltdown made everyone forget his.

You know who the biggest winner of the Masters is? ... Ernie Els. I mean, no one remembers Ernie Els shitting all over himself now that Jordan Spieth had done the same. ... Sunday was boring. Oh, but Ernie Els really sucked on that first hole of the tournament, you know? But now... Jordan Spieth takes that kick. Ernie Els, he's off the hook.

Football is the best game that has ever been invented.

[Bruce Arians] said... Talking about football. 'It's the best game that's ever been fucking invented.' ... That's definitely a fire flame stake. That's one of the strongest statements I've heard, and I can't say I disagree with him.

Concussions might not be real because the science isn't definitive

I don't know if they just all knew magically that concussions were like a real thing, which science is still out on that, by the way. ... And I'm not going to say that concussions are harmful until the NFL tells me. And Roger Goodell is not going to do that.

The 1996 Bulls would beat the 2016 Warriors because modern NBA rules don't allow defense

I got to take the bulls because when the bulls played, I don't know if you know this or not, but nowadays you're not allowed to play defense in the NBA. I've heard a lot of people say that recently and they've said it so much that I'm starting to agree with it.

Donald Trump's border wall would beat the 2016 Golden State Warriors because it is salary cap friendly.

The thing I like about Trump's wall is that it's very salary cap friendly since somebody else [Mexico] is paying for it. So Trump's wall would have enough room left over to sign [Kevin] Durant this offseason. ... you could get a lot of good role players and surround like a lot of glue guys in addition to Durant with Trump's wall and still be under the cap. So I'm going to go with Trump.

The 2016 Warriors would lose a land war in Russia

I got to take Russia, man. ... That's where empires go to die, baby. You cannot take West Russia in the winter. Napoleon knows it. Hitler knows it. ... So Russia's undefeated. I'm taking them.

If a coach gets their own player pregnant, they have to marry them.

If I were to tell [Tyler Summit] how to handle this, this kind of no brainer. You got to marry the player, right? ... I think it's probably in bounds as long as you're getting married. If you have an intention to get married, then like, yeah, if you're 25 and the girl is above the age of 20, then I say go for it.

The Cincinnati Reds don't suck and will be good this year.

Cincinnati Reds have been on a goddamn tear this year. 6-0 against the spread, 5-1, first place in the National League Central. ... they don't suck. ... I'm a big Reds fan from like way back in the day... the bottom line is I'm a big Reds fan is what I was getting at here.

Pimento cheese sandwiches taste like microwaved Dunkaroos

You could get the same effect from microwaved Dunkaroos for 30 minutes in your microwave and then making a ball out of it. That's what the pimento cheese sandwich tastes like.

Ernie Els six-putting at the Masters is the worst thing a South African person has ever done in history

The bottom line is what Ernie Els did today was probably the worst thing a South African person has ever done... in the history of the world.

Liking bikini photos on Instagram proves Jim Harbaugh isn't a sociopath

The fact that he's going on Instagram and liking pictures of chicks in bikinis, that means maybe there's some hope for Harbaugh after all. ... Maybe he is human.

I pick the Reds to win the World Series

The Reds are 3-0. You pick them to win the World Series. ... I think it said that we're going to win so many games this year that we can afford to have a really long hashtag.

The UConn women's basketball team would be a 3-5 point favorite over the Philadelphia 76ers

I think that the – well, yeah, [UConn women] are going to win, and I think that the spread against the Sixers, they'd be like three to five-point favorites, depending if it was in UConn or if it was being played in Philly.

Jay Wright looks like a mafia guy who would break Rick Pitino's legs

Jay Wright in the first place, he looks like a mafia guy. Now, I don't have any proof, but he looks like the mafia guy that they send to break Rick Pitino's legs.