Takes

The Tampa Bay Lightning are not that hard to beat in the playoffs

I have been at war with Tampa before, the 2015 Stanley Cup. It was light work, even though we were down a little bit, but it was light work. They're not that hard to beat.

Brad Marchand licking people is one of the funniest things to happen in sports

The biggest story, maybe the funniest sports story of 2018 is Brad Marchand licking people. He can't stop. It's actually a great litmus test for who has a sense of humor because the people who get legitimately upset about that, fuck them. That is one of the funniest, trollest things to do.

Tuukka Rask is good but bad in big moments, which makes him not good

The Tuukka Rask thing to me... if he was good, you wouldn't have to tell people he's good. He's good but bad in big moments. So it's like, is that really good? So that's kind of bad.

I have zero confidence in Barry Trotz because he is garbage

Listen, I'm still very confident. I have zero confidence in Barry Trotz because I think that he's garbage.

Matt Murray sucks and his glove hand is a liability

Murray sucks. Murray sucks on ice. His glove hand stinks. And his glove leg sucks too. I think he had a stroke. I think the left side of his body has been paralyzed.

Tom Wilson's hit on Brian Dumoulin was clean

I think it was a pretty clean hit, too. So he was skating behind the guy, right? It was Dumo. So Dumo was a friend of the show. So Dumo was skating, and then Wilson was behind him, and then Dumo just hit the brakes and almost threw his head into Wilson's shoulder.

The Capitals will win the Stanley Cup this year

I feel pretty good. I think this is our year. Yeah. I feel pretty good. Yeah, I feel like this is all going nicely for us.

I will eat one bite of horse shit if the Capitals beat the Penguins

I think you should have to eat shit if they beat the Penguins. Agreed. Just one bite. I'm not saying... Just one bite. Everyone knows the rules. ... Caps beat the Penguins. We're going to Central Park, and PFT's going to eat some shit. Just one bite.

The Capitals are the better team than the Penguins and will win the series

We're the better team on the ice tonight. We're the better team overall. You can count that. It's fine. It's 1-0 Caps. ... I don't give a shit if the Capitals lose the Stanley Cup... as long as we beat the Penguins. I'm going to cash that ticket.

Until the Capitals actually beat the Penguins, I will never pick them to win a playoff series

Until Washington does it, I will never pick them to beat Pittsburgh. ... Crossy's the best player in the world. I know it. But he is. And he turns it on in the playoffs. ... and I just am not picking the Capitals. I'm not doing it.

The Vegas Golden Knights are the greatest expansion team in sports history

I mean, it's the best expansion team in the history of pro sports. I mean, that's saying something.

The Washington Capitals are better this year because they are actually worse than last year

The Washington Capitals, they are better this year because they're actually worse than they were last year, okay? ... The fact that the Capitals are not as good, they're not as deep... It means that they're winning ugly is what I'm getting at. ... we've tried being by far the best team talent-wise. That hasn't worked. So let's give it a shot being a little bit shittier than them.

This is officially the year the Capitals win the Stanley Cup

And then it's the Penguins. And then you're going to lose. Then this is the year. Yeah. This is the year, guys.

The Washington Capitals should go back to Philipp Grubauer despite Braden Holtby's good play

Perfect time to go back to [Grubauer]. Right when they're not expecting it. I feel like the Caps should never play a hot hand too long. Just go the reverse of what everyone says you're going to play the hot goalie.

2-0 is the most dangerous lead in hockey

2-0 is the most dangerous lead in hockey, and the Blue Jackets have a 2-0 lead. They stink. I'm okay with that.

The Capitals losing Game 1 is good because you can't win a Cup without adversity

This is how you find out what your team's made of. You can't win a Stanley Cup if you don't have to battle through some adversity. Good news is we got it out of the way right away.

The Washington Capitals will sweep the Columbus Blue Jackets

John Tortorella is a world-class piece of shit, and I love watching him get beat. I'm predicting a sweep in the first round.

The Blackhawks will make the playoffs next year but aren't Stanley Cup contenders anymore

I think that this is maybe just a one-off year, and next year it could be quickly fixed. I think they'll get back to the playoffs. Contenders, that could be in trouble now.

The Capitals will lose in the second round because they can't beat the Penguins

They have to play Pittsburgh and they can't beat them... Malkin won't lose to Ovechkin. So unless Pittsburgh gets upset in the first round, they're done. I mean, they will lose in the second round.

The Golden Knights will lose in the first round of the playoffs

I've stuck by my guns that they're going to lose in the first round. I'm just staying on it. I don't think they can match up with a team who has, like, a superstar.

Nashville and Tampa Bay will play in the Stanley Cup Final, and Nashville will win

I have money on Nashville. I've had it for a while. They're my pick at the beginning of the year. Them and Tampa to play each other. Nashville is a wagon.

The Washington Capitals winning the Metropolitan Division means it is their year to win the Cup

Other big news, Caps won the Metro. Yeah, it's our year.

The Washington Capitals will win the Stanley Cup this year

I am officially, without any sarcasm whatsoever... I think it is the Caps year... This is the Caps year.

I bet $100 on the Washington Capitals to win the Stanley Cup

I had Hank get us a future. Me, Bubba, and Hank each put in $100. We got a future... The Washington Capitals outright winner... We'll win $4,800 if the Caps win.

US Women's Hockey beating Canada is more meaningful because hockey is all they have

It just feels good to beat Canada because you know in hockey, that's all they have. It bothers them a lot. And Canadians can't get bothered... We know you're bothered. We know you're triggered right now.

The Blackhawks core will be fine after a full summer to recharge

That core group of players has played a lot of hockey over the last eight or nine years... they're not getting that summer, the proper summer training where you're playing catch up... I think these guys need a full summer, hit the recharge button. I think they're going to be okay.

The Nashville Predators or Pittsburgh Penguins will win the 2018 Stanley Cup

If I had to go gun to your head... safe bet, I'd probably pick Nashville. East is going to be tough. Let's go, I'll say Pittsburgh again.

The Olympic hockey committee ruining the games by banning NHL players is a joke

It's a joke. You can't. The NHL asked if they could at least show the videos from the Olympics, which you can't do. They wanted the NHL logos on the board. They wouldn't do that. So at some point it's both sides, but it does suck for the game.

Russia is the heavy favorite to win Olympic Gold with no NHL players involved

Unfortunately, it's Russia. They're going to win and then they're going to take the flag out and they won't play an anthem. But it's going to be pretty crazy to see because they're loaded. They got all these guys over there that never, I mean, some of them couldn't play in the NHL because there's a chance of them could. They're playing in the KHL.

The Tampa Bay Lightning are the best team in the NHL and my Stanley Cup pick

Yeah, they were my Cup pick. I think I picked them when I came on your show, fellas. They're nasty. They have four legit superstars. Hedman, Stamkos, Kucherov, and their goalie, Vasilevskiy. They're the best team in the NHL, for sure.

Tampa Bay is going to win the Stanley Cup

Tampa's nasty. Tampa's going to win the cup.

I'm hammering the Vegas Golden Knights at home whenever their opponent has a night off in Vegas beforehand

Whenever a team has a day in Vegas, I just bet the Golden Knights, and they've been great. People get fucked up there. In Vegas? No. It's an 82-game season. You get there, you're just going to rip it up.

The Phoenix Coyotes 90s jersey is the worst of all time

And then my four is probably the worst jersey of all time, the Phoenix Coyotes. You remember that one? That was awful. That was the most disgusting jersey I've ever seen in my life.

The Vegas Golden Knights jerseys suck

Those jerseys suck. Bad sleeves. Suck. It's like they tried to get as many colors as they could fit on a sleeve... A fictional 2004 franchise in Madden has better jerseys than a 2017 real-life franchise. It's really bad.

Wayne Gretzky is the best player ever, but Sidney Crosby is the best I've ever seen

Wayne is the best player ever. But, I mean, I think – I mean, obviously, Sid, in my eyes, just because I'm – I mean, I've seen him play, and I see him every day. I think, honestly, he's the best player that I've ever seen and been able to play with.

Winning back-to-back Stanley Cups is basically cheating

I didn't know you could win back-to-back Stanley Cups, so that's kind of cheating in my mind. I hate the Blackhawks. We never knew that those rules existed.

The U.S. government should use being a hockey fan as an interrogation technique for terrorists

The United States government should make one of their new enhanced interrogation techniques for terrorists. Just make the terrorists become a hockey fan. Watch three overtimes. And then have to watch playoff games until their team loses in the Stanley Cup Finals.

Sidney Crosby is the biggest thug in hockey

Is Sidney Crosby the biggest thug in hockey? He did two things tonight... He dribbled P.K. Subban's face off the ice like it was Deron Williams just dribbling out of bounds... And he threw a water bottle onto the ice during play. Wow. Dangerous.

There is a 30% chance Alex Ovechkin gets traded this offseason

Do you think that that's [Ovechkin being traded] really going to happen? I would say it's like 30% chance of happening. But that's 29% more than last year... I wouldn't be shocked, put it that way.

The 2017 Stanley Cup Final will go to seven games

Where do you see the last three games going? I think it goes seven. I mean, you say that it looked like it wouldn't have been a long series... I think home team's going to win game five, Nashville's going to win game six, and then kind of a coin toss in game seven.

Hockey is the only sport that truly has karma

Hockey is the only sport that I think truly has karma. That's a fact. Yeah, I can go with that one.

The NHL needs another Sidney Crosby concussion to get back into the limelight

I'll tell you what we need. We need a Sidney Crosby concussion. That always gets the NHL into the limelight. Just another one of those. Even if he's not concussed, just say, yeah, he's concussed and he's actually going to skate tomorrow.

Every player on the Pittsburgh Penguins is using steroids

The Penguins did their – I think everybody on the Penguins is using steroids. I'm going to put it out there. You know what? I think that's the only explanation. They're really good in game sevens when the other team is always super tired. I'm putting it out there. Cheaters, all of them.

I'm destined to see Ovechkin win a Stanley Cup with a different team

The Washington Capitals are... Our fans, we're entering cuck territory. And it's Ray Bourque all over again. So I'm destined over the next five years to see Ovechkin win a Stanley Cup with a different team. And for me to cry during it and be like, I'm so glad and applaud him and be like, I'm glad he finally got his chance.

The Capitals and Ovechkin should split up because their regular season success is too good

I do think I am of the mindset that the Capitals and the [Ovechkin] should just be like, you know, hey, maybe this thing isn't working out anymore. Maybe it's just, you know, we love each other. Maybe our sex is just too good. Our regular season sex is too good. So we got to split up.

The 2017 Stanley Cup Final will go seven games

Nashville was outplaying the Penguins. I think this is going to go seven. I think it's going to be a classic Stanley Cup final that only a million and a half people watch.

The Nashville Predators winning the Cup will be forgotten like the Hurricanes or Ducks wins

I'm rooting for the Predators simply because when teams like the Predators win championships with like their piss yellow uniforms and weird cities for hockey, people just tend to forget that that season never happened. So it's like when the Ducks won, it's like, I mean, did they win? I don't even know. I can't remember.

This is the year of the Nashville Predators in the Stanley Cup

The Predators, I feel like this is the Predators' year. People have been saying it for a long time. This is the Predators' year. Take out your fang claws. Nashville's number one hockey city in Tennessee.

A Stanley Cup Final between Ottawa and Nashville will be a boring burden for hockey fans

If it is Ottawa versus Nashville. The burden on hockey Twitter to try to make us think that this is a meaningful Stanley Cup final is going to be hilarious to watch... It's going to be the Greg Popovich-ing of the NHL. It's like, actually, these are two awesome hockey teams, and you guys should be paying attention to it.

The Capitals will never win anything with Alex Ovechkin

The Capitals continually disappoint you. You know that they're never going to do anything with Ovechkin.