Takes

The altitude on airplanes causes people to cry during movies

I was tearing up [at the F1 movie]. It's the altitude. The altitude. I didn't even like the movie that much, but the end got me and they like, oh, it's 'cause you were on a plane. That's a thing.

Doing 30 minutes of cardio drastically improves your video game performance

If you do 30 minutes of cardio, it could drastically change performance in virtual worlds such as video games. I hit the treadmill last night... I was two and three, but that's drastically better because the previous evenings I was like oh and six, oh and seven.

I am facing a potential '10-day termination' from my apartment after a meeting with my landlord

Had a really constructive meeting with my building... but he introduced a new term. I was not familiar with a 10 day termination... next time it's like, it's a 10 day legal 10 day. Wow. I didn't know 10 day was a thing.

I am the reason my father is dead because he died during my birth

My father Mr. Tradewind was actually like the greatest dad ever. But he passed away during childbirth... Mama Tradewind said that I reminded her too much of the barbarian father and that's why she cast me out... the reason that I'm alive, he is dead.

No one ever needs to actually 'check out' of a hotel

I've never checked out of a hotel in my entire life... The most I've ever done is once in a while... put your room key in here when you leave. Other than that... I think I threw it in the trash.

The average global height for men is only 5'9"

I'm also five nine like Diego Pavia... That is average globally. I have, you never take what you take out that NFC West... When we say globally, we mean globally. Right. So five nine.

I will use my bare hand to unclog a toilet at a party if no plunger is available

I have used my hand... I've used my hand in a trash bag. You put your hand in a trash bag... The trash bag works. If you're in a, I mean, I guess in a home it might be tough, but you just, whatever the little trash is next to everyone's got one little trash next to the sink. You just get the trash bag out of there. Dump it hand in. Unplug.

Artificial light before sunrise and after sunset is the primary signal that disrupts your biological clock.

You wanna do your best to protect yourself from artificial light before the sun rises and after the sun goes down. But especially before it rises because that's the signal that sets your clock for the day.

Feral cats are a significantly larger threat to bird populations than wind turbines

Cats are responsible for an estimated 365 million to 2.4 billion bird deaths per year in the US alone. And then wind turbines are responsible for an estimated 140,000 to 680,000 bird deaths annually... Feral cats are a problem. That's my, that's, that's the conclusion I came up with.

I can chug a beer faster than Colts center Quentin Nelson

Ask [Quentin Nelson] if Big Cat can chug a beer faster than him because the answer is yes. And I did that... I was like eventually, like I think he might just strangle me.

Saudi sports washing is working because everyone eventually accepts the money

Credit to [the Saudis]. They kind of, they're doing a pretty good job. They just, because everyone just is like, 'Yeah, I'll come.' It's working. LeBron, us—if they ask us—everybody... I'll do anything for a hundred million dollars. Anything. It doesn't matter what it is.

A Bengal tiger would kill a Jaguar in a fight every single time

I just looked at AI and a Bengal would kill a Jaguar like a hundred out of a hundred times. A Jaguar does have one of like the the fiercest bites in the animal kingdom. The problem is the Bengal outweighs the Jaguar by like 200 pounds.

Opening Counter-Strike skin cases is officially back

My who's back of the week is going to be Counterstrike cases specifically opening them... They went CS:GO case unboxings, $590,000 in cases they unboxed. Unprecedented territory is what we're approaching there.

Knowing how to train your throat muscles is more important for competitive eating longevity than being in your physical prime

I know my body so much better now. It, it's, it's ridiculous... I also know how to train muscles in my throat and to make 'em stronger so I can just keep swallowing the meat. It's not, I'm not gonna walk away. To be the man, you gotta beat the man.

Over 270 Awls have played the 'Dragon of Mount Spear Top' Dungeons and Dragons adventure

I have run this adventure in particular for 45 different groups of awls over the course of the last year. And that is a total of 274 Awls. That's awesome. We're out there. They're listening right now and they are judging your every move.

I am the undisputed greatest chess player of all time

I'm not sure I'm the right person to, to ask really, but I don't mind. That's that's completely fine by me... I feel like I'm, I'm getting there. So, that's all I can ask for.

I am currently the best at every single format of chess

At the moment I would say that I, I'm definitely the best at every, at every format that we we play. And honestly, my closest competitors are still the, the old guys, guys around my age. So yeah, the kids, they're good, but they're, they're not quite quite there yet.

The Barstool office ice cream machine will finally be operational by Wednesday

99% chance there will be soft serve... We will be experiencing ice cream before July 4th break. Wednesday is when I want... Wednesday.

It is not gay to take a shower in a gym locker room after a workout

I finally look up, I'm like, is he yelling at me? And he's staring at me... 'bro, what the fuck are you doing? What the fuck is this gay shit, bro, you gonna shower?'... I really do. I love Joey Swoll. Love his content. He's the best. Joey, I need you to weigh in on this. Am I outta line? Should, should. Is it gay as shit to shower after you work out?

It takes two years for a wrist ligament injury to return to full mobility

Whenever you have a ligament injury, your joint is gonna take around two years to get all the mobility back and everything that you feel like you need.

Vetoing the marathon was a mistake; the nine-darter challenge is going to be significantly harder

I should have vetoed the nine Darter. Yeah. And I didn't. And now I am going to deal with the consequences of my own action... I am concerned that at a certain point my arm is gonna get like to a point where I can't throw... The marathon would've been the much easier choice.

Minnesota is one of the most cursed sports cities in the country

Minnesota fans listening to this right now, you guys deserve credit for being one of the most cursed sports cities out there. The last time they were in a championship round was 1991 with the twins. They've had some really, really, like, they, the problem with the Minnesota sports is they're actually like good, but they're never good enough to win. And they haven't had a title in whatever it's Yeah. 30 years and they have all four major teams.

I will not be able to shoot 20 three-pointers in a row

I misinterpreted what the initial discussion was. I'm not gonna be able to shoot 20 threes in a row. That's it... 20 for 20, which is impossible. I think 20 for 25 is possible. Obviously that's not what we discussed.

I will get a cat and shave my face if PFT Commenter beats me in a three-point contest

I don't want to own a cat, but I also you also know I'm gonna beat PFT... [If PFT beats me] I'll do it. I accept. [A cat and shave my face].

There are only two guarantees in life: you are a past baby and a future ghost

The only guarantees is you are a past baby and a future ghost. That's it. That's fact. That's it. Now in between that's up to you. But we know for a fact we don't remember stuff from being no baby... and we ain't gonna remember much about being a ghost.

Pandas are dumb as shit and terrible parents

Pandas. They're dumb as shit. They will hand you, you could google this, if you go to a panda in captivity and it has a baby... and you put out an apple, it will hand you its baby and take the apple. Swear to God, nobody talks about this. They're dumb as shit. They're mean, they're terrible parents. Bad moms.

Pepper jack cheese is white, not yellow

Pepper jack is white dude. It's all white, red and green. You picked a white cheese. If pepper jack's not yellow then no cheese should have been allowed.

The Jaguar statue's fangs work like a crab trap, which is why my head got stuck in it

I explained it like a crab trap where like you can push your ears backwards... but then it gets caught. Can't go forward. And so that was like the simplicity of it. But everyone... was like, how is that even possible?

I would rather buy new clothes than walk through a spider-infested hallway to do laundry

I have to share that laundry room with three other units... there's spiders all the way up and down the wall... I'm afraid to go down there... So I bought new clothes, bought just essential stuff.

We are going to take Dungeons and Dragons seriously and try to complete the mission this time

We're taking it seriously this time we're gonna try to complete the mission. Tim is electric as always and it's a great, great listen.

I am going to kill Max's eagle as soon as possible

I might have texted and said that we gotta kill Max's eagle ASAP.

The key to the vault is likely located in the chasm

Sounds like [the chasm] is maybe where the key is. ... Since I am a dwarf, I would assume my stepsister also has advantage when it comes to deception and persuasion.

Drinking alcohol during the offseason is a bad idea because it causes inflammation

When you're recovering from something, [it's] not the best look to be just chugging beers... you put alcohol in your body, inflammation. [It's] not good for you. You need to start dialing in.

I psyched out Waka Flocka Flame by showing him my testicles during the Beer Olympics

I showed my testicles to Waka Flocka Flame and psyched them out. So that's, that's a major dub that did happen. He got so freaked out by my nuts. He was like, what the fuck is that? I, I did the old trick of, oops, I slipped in and fell in some gum. Didn't know what to do with it. Got him.

Hank has until the end of the Celtics parade on Friday to shave his head

24 hours... [actually] I think let's give him a little leeway here. Let's say until the parade is over. Friday afternoon... Because then now you're people like you, Hank, will be the reason why we struggle next year because we're trying to get ready for the next season. Shaving your head is the beginning of us turning the page.

If the Celtics win the championship, I am going to shave my head

If the Celtics win the championship, I am gonna shave my head. So maybe I'll get a taste of what that looks like. ... I'm gonna start trying to do some preemptive [hair loss] things. I'm probably gonna stop wearing a hat as much.

The more successful you are, the closer you are to losing

The closer you are to winning, the closer you are to losing. Right? So like, you saw it at UFC 300... most people can't handle the fact that you think you beat your opponent, but now you still have to fight them.

Charlotte the stingray is not actually pregnant

Now they're doing a bait and switch news story... I don't think this bitch is pregnant.

Russian tortoises are the only type of tortoise to ever go to the moon

This type of tortoise [Russian tortoise] is actually the only type of tortoise to ever go to the moon.

I'm getting a gambling turtle named Mr. Pear to make picks on the show

I like it done. Mr. Pear. Mr. Pear... we'll stamp the slices of pears with the different logos. Yeah. And that will be, that will be how he picks his games. Which pair Mr. Pear. And we should never discipline him. Never.

Charlotte the stingray is not actually pregnant; the aquarium is lying

Charlotte the Stingray still hasn't given birth. It's fucked up. I don't think that she's actually pregnant. I still think it was a lie. I've been on stingray watch for the last three weeks; that bitch ain't pregnant.

I am going to pimp out Vanny Woodhead and bring the van back to life in Chicago

We are going to get Vanny to Chicago. We have, we're in a different financial situation than we were six years ago. So I'm gonna probably put some money into this Vanny, pimp it out, figure out how to make it technically exist again. And now we'll have Vanny back in our lives. Like this trip to Indy would've been a perfect, let's just hop in Vanny. Yeah. So we're I Vanny is back.

I lied about destroying Vanny Woodhead; I have been keeping it for years

Technically it's destroyed. Legally it's chopped up. But I kind of... I didn't have the heart to chop it up, so I just been keeping it... I was like, every time it was an excuse I used to not follow through with chopping it up.

The 'pregnant' stingray Charlotte isn't actually pregnant and is just fat

Charlotte, the pregnant Stingray has still not given birth, which makes me think this might be a publicity stunt... if a shark had relations with a female Stingray who is pregnant even though she hasn't seen a male stingray in eight years... we need a conclusion to this. Otherwise she's just fat.

TSA does not allow foam swords on planes

I looked up whether TSA would accept foam swords. They do not. And so [I] held onto my foam blade back at home. Didn't get to bring it, but I'm so honored to be in the presence of [the show] right now.

The Larry the Goldfish tattoo looks bad because I used a frozen dead corpse as the reference

I never told you guys. 'cause I knew I would've never heard the end of it... [The tattoo artist] asked for a reference picture. And I was like, whoa, I can get a reference picture. He's in the freezer so let me go take a picture... he had already done the full dead tattoo on my body where I was like, oh my God, this is a dead goldfish. I could've just Googled goldfish and it wouldn't have mattered.

Planes are having a moment right now

I think planes are having a moment. They are. You had Top Gun Maverick. You've got [Masters of the Air]. You've got Boeing. You've got that lady that got kicked off for farting on the plane. So a lot of stuff about planes recently.

Lifting weights is significantly more effective for getting in shape than cardio

It's crazy how don don't know when we learned this as like kids what point we're like, oh yeah, to get in shape you gotta run. That's so wrong. Like cardio. Okay, fine... Dude. Lifting weights is the best way to get in shape. 'cause you just feel stronger and you start, your metabolism goes, it feels good.

I am returning to a private lifestyle because the internet ruined the Tiffany Gomas content

I will definitely be going back to, to zero dark private life mode... because it's fun. I enjoy it and, and you know, 99% of the people are fun. They play along... But then there's the 1% of people, people that will DMM and, and, and, and just go way over the top.

I'm out on Boeing airplanes until the safety issues are addressed

Boeing airplanes... had an explosive decompressor at 16,000 feet... So if it's, I don't know what kind of flights we have planned soon. But if it's Boeing, I ain't going. I'm out. I'm out on Boeing anytime soon.