Takes

Space exploration isn't interesting until we actually land a human on Mars.

I kind of just don't care until we go to Mars. Call me when we're at Mars. I wanna see us on the moon again. How is that possible that we went on the moon in the sixties and we just never went back on it? Go to Mars or go back on the moon.

Inhaled 'Protein Hookah' will revolutionize bro culture

A doctor claims that inhaled protein enters the bloodstream faster and absorb more efficiently. It's kinda like weed. All I'm saying is like keep your eye on this technology. Because it has the opportunity to revolutionize bro culture.

Being the designated TV remote guy at a bar is a 10 out of 10 job

Had dinner at a local establishment last night and was informed that someone on staff was the designated TV remote guy to switch between games. No bartending, no waiting tables, just ball. 10 out of 10 job. You don't do this job without immense pride. It's the best job ever.

I am against prenups because marriage should be forever

I'm against prenups. Because if you're getting married, you're never—you're getting married to be together forever. If you really love someone, the money shouldn't matter.

If your relationship is built on the Chili's Triple Dipper, you will make it

If the foundation of your relationship is the Chili's Triple Dipper or bottomless chips and salsa, you're gonna make it. They're not thinking prenups or joint bachelorette parties.

Doing 30 minutes of cardio drastically improves your video game performance

If you do 30 minutes of cardio, it could drastically change performance in virtual worlds such as video games. I hit the treadmill last night... I was two and three, but that's drastically better because the previous evenings I was like oh and six, oh and seven.

I might get evicted because my alarm clock went off for two days while I was on vacation

I accidentally kind of alarm clock too close to the sun recently... I had left my alarm clock plugged in... My alarm clock is going off like today and yesterday. We're gonna have to take like a meeting here... There's a world where like, I'm the worst neighbor of all time and I just left my irrationally loud alarm clock going.

The average global height for men is only 5'9"

I'm also five nine like Diego Pavia... That is average globally. I have, you never take what you take out that NFC West... When we say globally, we mean globally. Right. So five nine.

Daily ice cream consumption can reduce diabetes risk by 50%

Ice cream might save the planet. The healthy fats in ice cream can protect you against so many things... 50% reduction in diabetes [from] one serving a day. I believe it.

The US government will confirm the existence of aliens this week

Aliens might drop this week. Like, like there's aliens might drop this week... [The White House] might confirm the existence of aliens as early as this week. And just be ready for the outcome of that.

My dream retirement is to hire a pitcher I can hit home runs off of every single day

My dream is to have like a shit load of land and build a baseball field... I wake up on a Tuesday at 9:00 AM, I go down to my baseball field. There's a pitcher down there who's gonna pitch me and I'm just gonna go fucking yard on him over and over and he's gonna be like, 'fuck, I don't have it today.'

The 'Blob' weather pattern could mean the end of the world

B-Big Cat, We are Earth could be finished. We could be done... There's a world, the blob never goes away... I do wanna say you're right. I was being dramatic there. Blob will go away, but it's sinking its toes right now.

Billionaires who don't own a professional sports team are losers

I've said it a million times, I think it's a very strong take. If you are a billionaire and you don't own a professional sports team, you're a loser. ... The only reason you get that much money is to go buy a team.

My ceiling as a golfer might be higher as a lefty

I might be more... I can maybe my my ceiling is higher. Potentially left-handed more good at golf. My ceiling is higher. Damn. We'll see.

A 'hot blob' and an 'earth tilt' will make the Chicago winter catastrophic and uninhabitable

Apocalyptic winter might be upon us. Why? I think it's inhabitable winter. We might just have to go out of country... High pressure, massive ocean heat wave up in North Pacific. The blob... They're saying 2013-2014 had nothing on this blob.

I am a better rock skipper than both Big Cat and PFT Commenter

I think I'm better than PFT... I didn't say guaranteed, but I think I am [better than both]. I don't know. I just think I'm, I think I'm a good, I'm, I have a lot of experience skipping rocks.

Planet Earth needs an alien invasion to unite humanity

I've said that about wars and aliens. I think Planet Earth could use a good alien invasion because we're sick of beating each other up. It would unite us. We're sick of hitting each other. We wanna take out [the aliens].

Lamar Jackson is a dream rotation choice to smoke weed with

You gotta put Lamar [Jackson] in the top tier, right? For sure. Lamar is absolutely the top tier of that. A hundred percent.

The 'Micro Retirement' trend is just Gen Z trying to rebrand regular vacations

There's a new fad for Gen Zers. It is called Micro Retirements. They involve taking a one to two week break from work every 12 to 18 months. They're basically just stealing [vacations]. It's also not enough. No, it's not enough. It's not enough. But that's, but you can't let them steal the word vacation. They're trying to change it to micro retirements. Yeah. That makes no sense. Yeah, it's crazy. They're trying to rebrand it.

Joey Chestnut will set a new world record at the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest this year

He released a statement yesterday saying that it was, he never lost his love for the dogs. He just entered into a partnership with a plant-based company last year... he's gonna smoke 'em. I wanna see an all time record... he is top dog.

Apple is going to force brain chips on everyone and we'll have no choice but to accept them

I don't want it, but it's coming. It's gonna happen and I'm gonna have to get it... So it's chip or be left behind. Correct. No choice. We just have to chip.

Installing a soft serve ice cream machine in the office is a life-changing move

I reassessed my life and I realized that a life without constant access to soft serve ice cream is not a life I want to live anymore... I trade [shooting a diamond out of my dick] in a heartbeat. I mean a soft serve machine. It's like a, it's a gold mine. It's a dream of mine. It's the best. I love soft serve ice cream. It's so good. And it's good for you.

If anyone gets a perfect bracket in the Stella Blue pool, I will cut off my penis

If somebody gets a perfect bracket, yes. I will cut off my penis.

Being in a plane crash where no one dies is an awesome experience

Being in a plane crash where no one dies though. Rocks. ... I think it would've been awesome to be like, 'yeah, I was on a plane that flipped and blew up, but I survived.'

The era of working from home is over

Working from home's done. I'm gonna say he's right. ... I fundamentally, I understand working from home is awesome for a lot of people, but I do think that you lose... the younger generation is gonna lose out. ... Not working with other people and having the coalescence of ideas... you will lose out.

Sports should normalize a 24-hour window for sore losers to act out

I think we need to normalize more like bad losers. Like let 'em, let 'em be sore losers for a minute... I think we should have like a 24-hour hour shock clock for big games fans and, and players alike that anything they, they should be able to say whatever they want and it shouldn't count long term.

The speed of Google's new quantum chip suggests we are likely living in a computer simulation

Google says that one of the world's current fastest supercomputers would take 10 septillion years to complete that same challenge that Google's chip did in less than five minutes... it actually lends credence to the, the theory that we are living in one of an infinite number of computer simulations right now.

Being clean and smelling good is the mark of a loser

Being clean, smelling good is the mark of a loser. Your must should take over. I remember there was a team, I think it was Derek Dooley when he coached at Tennessee... he blamed it on the lack of shower discipline. That's a mark of a loser head coach right there.

Wedding guests should give a minimum of $100 — paying for your meal and drinks is the baseline

A hundred bucks is the minimum you give at a wedding. You gotta pay for your meal and the drinks. That's kind of what you do. $10 is — I would fucking send that back to the person.

Minnesota has the coolest collection of athletes of the last 20 years

Minnesota Sports because they recreated the old Randy Moss KG picture with Anthony Edwards and Justin Jefferson. And I know Minnesota sports are sad state, don't win things, but they might have like the coolest collection of athletes in the last 20 years, like compared to anyone else. They had KG, they had Randy Moss, they have Anthony Edwards, they have Justin Jefferson. They had Joe Mauer.

People will stop visiting Orlando entirely if the airport removes its Chili's

I am taking up a new fight. They're changing the Orlando airport and the Chili's is going to be gone in 2025. We're not gonna let this happen... I predict that people are gonna stop visiting Orlando, Florida entirely because of this. There's no amusement found in Orlando [without it].

The first few weeks of college are the best time of your life and you should embrace it

Every year, no matter what, it's these last two weeks of August when I see kids going back to college, I'm like, fuck. That was, that's it. It is the fastest four years of your life. So just embrace it and like close your eyes and live in the moment. September is such a joke in college. You don't go to any of your classes. You don't have to worry about anything.

Following porn stars at 8 AM is way too early to be that horny

[Kyle Kuzma] waking up this morning... Kyle Kuzma is now following Ms. Thick Overload... that's a brutal one though... that's also way too early in the morning to be that horny... 8:00 AM to be following Ms. Thick Overload.

Human beings just become worms after they die

I think what happens after you die is you get eaten by worms. We all just become worms.

The July 4th holiday is ruined by Joey Chestnut's absence from the Nathan's hot dog contest

America's on the Hot Seat because it just dawned on me again that Joey Chestnut's not competing. That fucking sucks. One of the things that makes it the best holidays is just not gonna be there. And I think we all just need to be like ready for it because it's gonna suck beyond belief.

Smoking cigarettes is a valid and respectable strategy to quit vaping

Somebody reported that [Charlie Hull] is smoking cigarettes to help her quit vaping. Which respect? We've all been there. When you vape, you do it more often. The act of having to go outside [to smoke] is a very fair point.

Never have Bryce Harper help you with a promposal because he is too attractive

You don't wanna stand next to somebody way more attractive than you when asking such an important question... mission accomplished, but now did she say yes just because she wanted to give Bryce Harper a hug?

Snake is the greatest video game ever created

Snake was the greatest game ever created. Brick Breaker, probably a year of my career. My former career was Brick Breaker, just trying to beat it.

Charlotte the stingray is not actually pregnant

Now they're doing a bait and switch news story... I don't think this bitch is pregnant.

The solar eclipse was overrated

So my Hot Seat is us. We're still in the third dimension. I was kind of looking forward to it. So that was, it was gonna be cool throne, but I kind of was hoping we were in the hot fourth dimension. So, well, eclipse sucked, overrated eclipse.

I am not scared of Chicago winters after my first year living there

I just, I don't know. It, it's been incredible. There's been four bad days and two of them had playoff football on. I lived in Massachusetts, New Hampshire. Those are way worse. I'm not scared of the winter here. That's my point.

Charlotte the stingray is not actually pregnant; the aquarium is lying

Charlotte the Stingray still hasn't given birth. It's fucked up. I don't think that she's actually pregnant. I still think it was a lie. I've been on stingray watch for the last three weeks; that bitch ain't pregnant.

Grown men getting ice cream by themselves is actually great

Do you know grown men who go get ice cream by themselves? I don't. It's very strange. [Big Cat responding to Clay Travis quote] Literally all the time I get ice cream. I'm gonna do that as a protest tonight. I'm gonna get ice cream by myself... Ice cream by yourself is actually great.

Clear and TSA are intentionally making security lines longer and more difficult so they can force people to buy more expensive tiers like 'Clear Plus'

They're rebranding Clear as now Clear Plus. That implies another level coming... They're intentionally making it harder for TSA and Clear so that we are going to buy a new one. It's smart. Savvy by them.

The day you stop liking tits is the day you die

Sydney Sweeney's boobs... Which I was getting shamed for like, come on guys. The day you stop liking tits, kill me. I think and I die. I'm a red-blooded American male.

The return of the bubonic plague is a sign to not get a cat

I'm putting all of humanity on the hot seat because I read an article today that the bubonic plague is back. They found it in Oregon. Somebody caught it from their cat... maybe a reminder: don't get a cat now.

Lifting weights is significantly more effective for getting in shape than cardio

It's crazy how don don't know when we learned this as like kids what point we're like, oh yeah, to get in shape you gotta run. That's so wrong. Like cardio. Okay, fine... Dude. Lifting weights is the best way to get in shape. 'cause you just feel stronger and you start, your metabolism goes, it feels good.

Romantically, things are not going to happen with Tiffany Gomas

I would like to, you know, set the record straight that we're not [dating]. ... we just kind of said, let's, let's just, you know, call a spade a spade and go our separate ways. ... I just think romantically it's not, it's not not gonna happen.

College is a sham where you just have to find the hacks and tricks to get through

College is a sham. It's a big trick. You just gotta get through the tricks. You just find tricks and then you're like, alright, this class is easy... I hit 120 [credits] the last second. It's really, college is like, can you find the, the hacks?

I'm out on Boeing airplanes until the safety issues are addressed

Boeing airplanes... had an explosive decompressor at 16,000 feet... So if it's, I don't know what kind of flights we have planned soon. But if it's Boeing, I ain't going. I'm out. I'm out on Boeing anytime soon.