Takes

The US government will confirm the existence of aliens this week

Aliens might drop this week. Like, like there's aliens might drop this week... [The White House] might confirm the existence of aliens as early as this week. And just be ready for the outcome of that.

I will buy Big Cat and PFT a boat if I sign another NFL contract

I would say any amount of money, I think hopefully... Hopefully another contract one day and, and we'll make it happen... any amount of money, I think hopefully.

The Chicago area will get three inches of snow that will be gone by Wednesday morning

I'll predict right now... I think we're gonna get three inches and it's gonna be gone by Wednesday morning.

I am going to read Don Quixote cover to cover

I ordered it, I I'm gonna give it a shot... If I read the entire book cover to cover every single word, I will wipe the debt. Okay... I'm fucking, I'm I'm gonna be done with it by the time the punishment comes around.

I'm eventually going to lose the tip of my pinky on a bet

I'm probably gonna lose a pinky. Eventually. I'm gonna lose a pinky. We're gonna do this show for the next 40 years. I'm gonna do this bet every year for some year. I'm gonna lose the pinky.

I will beat Hank in an 18-hole match play golf game for $5,000

I am now very excited about beating you [Hank] at golf and taking the thing that you love the most in this whole world away from you.

I will bear-hug and kiss my dad on the lips on the Hall of Fame stage

I will on the stage, man. I'll hold him down. It's five years after you play so he probably won't have enough strength. I will bear hug him and I would kiss him on the lips. A big wet kiss.

Joey Chestnut would beat Usain Bolt in a mile race if they both had to eat a hot dog first

Usain Bolt has literally never run a mile in his entire life... I think it switches at a mile. I think Joey Chestnut beats him.

Joey Chestnut will set a new world record at the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest this year

He released a statement yesterday saying that it was, he never lost his love for the dogs. He just entered into a partnership with a plant-based company last year... he's gonna smoke 'em. I wanna see an all time record... he is top dog.

Apple is going to force brain chips on everyone and we'll have no choice but to accept them

I don't want it, but it's coming. It's gonna happen and I'm gonna have to get it... So it's chip or be left behind. Correct. No choice. We just have to chip.

The Barstool office ice cream machine will finally be operational by Wednesday

99% chance there will be soft serve... We will be experiencing ice cream before July 4th break. Wednesday is when I want... Wednesday.

I am going to hire a dietician to help prevent future kidney stones

I think this one, I'll say this, I think I'm gonna start making some lifestyle changes. I'm thinking... I think I'm gonna to get a dietician. I understand. But I need someone to tell me what to do. I am not going to do that on my own volition. I need someone to basically be like, here's what you can and cannot eat.

I am officially going to learn how to dunk a basketball

I have a announcement for you guys. Ready for this? I think I'm gonna dunk. I think I'm gonna dunk. I've never dunked, but I think I'm gonna train in dunk.

Wooly Mammoths will be cloned and brought back from extinction

My who's back of the week is Wooly Mammoths... There's a company called Colossal Biosciences and they just raised $200 million... to bring back and clone wooly mammoths... Willie Mammoths might be back soon.

I will read one entire book in 2025

I'm also gonna read a book. I haven't read a book in a decade. I'm gonna read a book... read with my two eyes. It might take me the entire year. I'm going to fucking do it. I feel it.

I still believe I can dunk a basketball by January 1st.

I still think I can do it. I need to lose some weight... I still need like five inches. I'm 180 pounds. I was like 171 pounds in July. So I need to lose some weight basically.

I will not drink alcohol until Thanksgiving to train for my dunk attempt

I'm going. I'm not drinking till Thanksgiving... I'm training every day. It's not something I've like forgot about. Overdrive.

I still plan to dunk and the steroid decision is coming in the next two weeks

I'm still going gung ho. I still plan to dunk. I'm still training as if I'm going to dunk... the steroid decision is coming in the next two weeks.

People will stop visiting Orlando entirely if the airport removes its Chili's

I am taking up a new fight. They're changing the Orlando airport and the Chili's is going to be gone in 2025. We're not gonna let this happen... I predict that people are gonna stop visiting Orlando, Florida entirely because of this. There's no amusement found in Orlando [without it].

I'll bet my life that Hank will dunk

I believe Henry Lockwood is going to dunk. No, I actually 100% believe you're gonna dunk. Because you've been working out a lot. You've been training a lot.

We are going to take Dungeons and Dragons seriously and try to complete the mission this time

We're taking it seriously this time we're gonna try to complete the mission. Tim is electric as always and it's a great, great listen.

I am going to replace Hank as the person who gets killed and fucked in this Dungeons and Dragons adventure

I just know how this is gonna go. I'm just gonna replace Hank is the guy who gets killed and fucked.

I am going to kill Max's eagle as soon as possible

I might have texted and said that we gotta kill Max's eagle ASAP.

We are definitely going to kill Hank in the next Dungeons and Dragons episode

But I, it was good team building and we're definitely gonna kill him in the the follow up episode. 100%.

I am officially retired from drinking games

I retired from drinking games. I put out a press release... I'm just washed, dude. I'm so washed... I retired from drinking games. What led to the retirement? I'm just washed, dude... you're never supposed to retire right after the season... I left myself open to unretire, but I'm retired as of right now.

A Celtics and Panthers money line parlay is a lock for Monday night

The fact that the Panthers then lost eight to one in the exact same setup made me feel like both teams are just gonna like, listen, I'm not a gambling expert, but a Panthers Celtics money line parlay game five feels like it could potentially happen.

Vanny Woodhead's repair is a Spring 2025 project

I think you think that Vanny needs like new tires? No, you're thinking like you want Xzibit to walk in. We also need a new engine. Vanny needs new wiring. Vanny needs literally everything. It doesn't work. No, this is is Spring 25 project. One year from now. Vanny Woodhead is gonna be rocking.

People catching and eating cicadas at baseball games will be a viral trend this summer

We're gonna see more and more, I predict this summer of just cicada cam. Just people just grabbing a cicada and eating it on camera. . . normalize it.

I will give it my all and I believe I will be able to dunk

I'm in it. The bet's out there. It's 20, it's 20 k. ... I'm going to give it my all to be able to dunk. I think I'm gonna be able to do it. I know the haters and you guys and everyone in the world doesn't think I'm going to, but I I welcome that. I welcome that. ... The only way that's gonna stop me is injury.

The US will be under a massive cyber attack sooner rather than later

I suggest you take out all your money outta your bank and stop using credit cards for the next few months until I can give you the green light again. We will be under a cyber attack sooner rather than later. Just looking out, I'm in communication with the very important person for one of, if not the biggest software companies in the world.

The eclipse and the CERN particle collider will send us into the fourth dimension

They're turning CERN on the day of the eclipse. And I believe the research is they're trying to reach a fourth dimension... Once the the moon covers the sun when it comes back, like we'll be in the fourth dimension. Like everything will be different.

I'm getting a gambling turtle named Mr. Pear to make picks on the show

I like it done. Mr. Pear. Mr. Pear... we'll stamp the slices of pears with the different logos. Yeah. And that will be, that will be how he picks his games. Which pair Mr. Pear. And we should never discipline him. Never.

I will be able to dunk a basketball and hit twenty three-pointers within the next ten months

I'm going hard to dunk... summer, that's exactly my plan. I'm already over leveraged. What if I do both and hit 20 threes? I just have to basically change my entire lifestyle way of thinking and everything.

The Waterdogs are doomed for the regular season if they win the PLL preseason tournament

I don't wanna win that. I don't wanna win the pre-season tournament. I think if we win the pre-season tournament, we're screwed for the regular season.

My second son will have to play quarterback because he is too natural of a thrower

My second son for sure is going to have to play quarterback. I think he, he's just too natural a thrower. So I'm, oh man, that's great. Another line of Flacco would be awesome.

I will be in the best shape of my life when I turn 40

I have the double whammy of our birthday month is coming up and it's our last birthday in our thirties. And I am trying to tell myself that when I turn 40, I have to turn 40 in good shape in the best shape of my life... I'm going to put in a very concerted effort starting on Tuesday.

If the Commanders win the Super Bowl, I will eat a steak

If we win the Super Bowl, I'll have a steak... Y'all have to take me to the best steak in the world.

I cannot run a 5K in under 33 minutes

I'm not gonna be able to run under 33 minutes. I'm not gonna be able to do that and I can't do that. Physically... I'm going to end up, I'm gonna get an injury. Like my back is gonna, is gonna come out.

There is a 0% chance they successfully fly an orca in a cargo plane

I can't, there's, I I just, I know you guys are just fucking with me, but [there's] no way. 0%. 0% [chance this happens].

Hank will likely catch a stray and be put in a dangerous situation before the D&D session ends.

I think somebody pro, if I, if I were to guess, because there's always gonna be a little bit of blood lust about somebody wanted to kill Hank very much... I think Hank might have caught a stray. Maybe we put Hank in a dangerous situation after I left.

One teenage hippo can successfully take on three or four ghouls in combat.

I think one hippo can take three GULs or four... I think that's a solid matchup.

I can break the hot dog record of 76 if the weather stays dry

That record of 76, it could go down. The weather's looking a little bit iffy. They're, they're calling for thunderstorms and it, it's been a long time since we've had rain... if it's good condition, I I see a record.

The passengers on the missing Titanic submarine are likely already dead

They're dead. This is one of those situations that it's captivated the internet because they keep being like, they have 50 hours of oxygen... they died. It's probably better that they died almost instantly. I would imagine they did. You don't, something bad happened and the sub broke and they died.

I am going to start taking Ozempic to lose weight.

I'm just gonna go on Ozempic. I don't fucking care. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it and I'm gonna tell everyone to do it and then I'm gonna look hot and then I'll get off of it and then I'll gain it all back. Drop like 25 pounds and then just slowly gain it back.

Orcas will be a major problem for humans in the future

Orcas have been attacking boats off the coast of Spain recently and been training other orcas to do it too. There's gonna be an orca human problem for the future.

AI-powered robots will kill us all in less than a year

If you guys watch the episode metalhead [from Black Mirror], that's actually happening in real life... They gave Boston Dynamics robots brains and now they can do whatever they want. Think for themselves. ... I still think we got less than a year left. We're cooked.

AI robots will take over and kill everyone within a month

I'm fully convinced, I figured I should just get it on record that probably within like a month, AI is going to build robots, take over the world and we're all gonna die.

I will join the 1,000 pound club naturally within a year

Challenge myself and I'm gonna get hurt. And that's gonna suck... I'm gonna try to do a thousand pound club, Billy... It's deadlift, squat, bench. A thousand pounds... I'm doing it all natural. No, I'm doing it. It's either all natural or can't do.

I will get a tattoo of the lottery ball machine if Hank passes me in total wins by the end of the next football season

If Hank, what did you agree to? If you don't get the lottery ball before the end of next football season, I will get a tattoo of the lottery ball machine. But if I pass you in total victories by the end of next football season, you will get a lottery ball machine [tattoo].

I will lose 20 pounds by Memorial Day

Memorial Day. Memorial Day, losing 20 pounds by Memorial Day Max. We've, we've done this before, but we're doing it for real this time... I just want it to be on the record... No, because by doing that, that means it's officially on.