Takes

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Darren Rovell is suspended from Pardon My Take for six months

Darren Rovell, you cannot invite yourself like this on Pardon My Take. We are now hereby suspending you from appearing on this podcast for how long? I say six months, at least.

If a podcast lasts seven years, it is Radio Hall of Fame worthy

If you do a podcast for more than seven [years]... the 95% of podcasts go for exactly one month and end. And then the other 5%, if you can get past seven years, then you're officially Radio Hall of Fame worthy.

The writer of the 'I Miss Northwestern Losing' article is dangerous to society

Pat Fitzgerald actually is an awesome coach. We have friends on that team... But their alumni, when they're writing shit like this, you're dangerous to society. If you are struggling this much with watching sports, they're not for you.

NASA is inventing stories about aliens to secure funding against Space Force

This goes back to my theory that NASA is just inventing cool shit to talk about so they can continue their funding because right now they're going up against Space Force. But I would assume that, like, this would be something that Space Force would really get a lot of money thrown into their coffers for. If you think that there's aliens that are actually checking us out.

Jason Witten is clearly over his head and won't have a job at ESPN by the end of the year

I officially, officially feel bad for Jason Witten. He is so clearly over his head... And now I just feel bad because it feels like he's not going to have a job at the end of the year. And this is painful.

Joe Buck is the best announcer of the last 30 years

Do you think that Joe Buck is the best announcer of the last 30 years? Yes. I think Joe Buck, although he's getting so much credit now... Throw your Joe Buck sucks take out the window. Which is true.

Lacrosse is the sport of the future and will surpass baseball

My cool throne is lacrosse... My other hot seat could have been baseball because lacrosse is coming for that America's Pastime, sport of the future. Premier Lacrosse League was announced. TV deal... This sounds like a real dud. No, this is going to be great.

Jason Witten was hired by ESPN solely to mend the relationship between the network and NFL owners

Jason Witten is in place to mend the ESPN-NFL relationship, which makes sense... they put him in there, and it doesn't really matter if he's bad for the audience. It just matters that the rest of the owners and Roger Goodell likes him.

Jason Witten and Booger McFarland are definitely going to fight

[Speaker 3] Do you think Booger McFarland and Jason Witten are going to fight? [Speaker 4] Yes. I do too. Absolutely. If you listen to the first quarter of that game, it was ridiculous. Like they were going into the next play of the game, still trying to get the last word over each other.

I will beat Darren Rovell in a mile run

I will beat [Darren Rovell] in a mile, though. He's said anywhere, anytime. So I'm just going to let my back heal up next four or five months, get my core strong. I'm going to show up at his house and just be like, let's go.

Jason Witten will be on the Booger Mobile by the end of the season

Bold prediction. Jason Witten's going to be on the Booger Mobile by the end of the season. They should put him both on the Booger Mobile.

NBA Twitter needs to chill out during October

October is football and baseball. Chill out, NBA Twitter. Let us have a fucking month... Enough, NBA Twitter. You get your time. We're going to all pay attention to you... from like February till essentially July. So just chill out.

Jason Witten is a robot and will never be a good broadcaster

Now that [Tony Romo] realized Jason Witten is a robot and never will be good... he has obviously been told, hey, man, you need to start using emotions like humans do. That way they can tell that you're not a computer program. And in the middle of sentences, he would just start smiling... just to tell people that I'm a human being.

Michael Rapoport suing Barstool over herpes allegations will trigger the Streisand effect

Rappaport claims Barstool engaged in a campaign to discredit and embarrass him, including accusing him of having herpes. The actor wants to make it clear in legal documents that he does not have herpes... I would tell everyone to please Google the Streisand effect and then laugh at the whole thing.

Jason Witten might be a robot

So are we sure Jason Witten is still alive? He is a robot, and I do not understand why they overthink these things so much and just not put Booger McFarland in the studio. You could actually hear Booger McFarland getting mad at Jason Witten.

NASA is only calling Pluto 'not a planet' to stay in the news

That was such a fucking classic. Is Pluto a planet? That was a classic NASA, like, we don't have enough shit to do, so we're going to make Pluto not a planet, and then in a few months we're going to be like, actually, just kidding, it is a planet... NASA likes to keep their name in the press.

Serena Williams was being a baby and stole the moment from Naomi Osaka

It felt to me like she was being a little bit of a baby and she was losing and wanted to kind of make a scene. And it sort of stole the moment from the person who actually did win, Naomi Osaka.

The Green Zone is football for morons and I love it

The green zone is essentially when they have the first down to gain and it is third down, they make the field look extra green between the line of scrimmage and the first down marker to let you know how much area they need to cover to get that first down. It is essentially football for morons, which we are, and I love it.

It is better for your career to be a meme than to be in a blockbuster movie

Do you think it is better for your career to be in a blockbuster movie that makes, let's say, $500 million or be in the badass, like the coolest meme of all time? Coolest meme of all time. Easy answer.

A Mike and Mike reunion will eventually happen at ESPN

There's going to be a Mike and Mike reunion. It's going to happen. Jimmy [Pitaro] is going to go to Mike Golic with his hat in his hand and say, Mike, we screwed up. I'm going to double your salary, and I'm going to bring Mike Golic Jr. on every day if you move to New York.

I would not have the same relationship with Joe Buck today if it weren't for the Artie Lange incident

If it wasn't for that Artie Lange show, I don't think that we would have the conversations that we have with Joe Buck.

HBO was hypocritical for policing Artie Lange's content while airing shows like 'Real Sex'

You can't be on HBO and go, well, this is just way too much when you've got like Pornucopia that's on after that. Real Sex, which is, you know, that's about as far as you're going to go on normal cable. Taxi Cab Confessions. We could go on.

I threatened to quit my HBO show if they didn't let Artie Lange return for the second episode

I said, I'm either going to have Artie on the show for the second one, or I'm not going to do the show. And I quit. I said, not that this is me walking out of the presidency of the United States... But I said, I'm employed at Fox. I'm doing the World Series and the Super Bowl. You don't know me... But if you think I can't laugh at this... I am not going to go out there and act like it didn't happen.

Athletes are inherently difficult to get good interviews out of

Athletes are tough to get a good interview out of. So I don't think it was my fault, but I think Joe got fucked too.

I would handle the Artie Lange incident much better and more authentically today

If you saw Joe Buck 2018 in that same spot, I think I would have rolled with the punches maybe a little bit better on air. I think I would have been different. I think I would have been better with it, and I would have been more equipped... having gone through this vocal thing that I went through, kind of not really caring anymore what people think... I would have handled the moment probably better.

I have unfinished business with hosting a talk show and would do it again

Yeah, I feel like it's unfinished business. I haven't failed at a lot of stuff in my life... but that was like, man, that really left me disappointed in the result, maybe in myself, in the circumstances. Yeah, I'd like to do it. I had a show and a pilot I did with Rudd and with David Spade and with Molly Shannon for a late-night Fox show that never saw the light of day that I'm really proud of.

Putting the third announcer on a field-level cart for MNF is a mistake

When you put a guy, a third guy, not in the booth, in some fucking weird contraption on the field, it will always feel like he's butting into the conversation and doesn't know really when to talk.

The new Monday Night Football booth is an 'F' without Joe Tessitore

Without Joe Tessitore, it's an F.

James Harden should turn the Scottsdale phone-throwing incident into a cell phone carrier commercial

Dude, every time something like this happens, if you could just figure out a way, if you're James Harden's agent, just create a commercial instantly making fun of this. Do a sprint commercial where you're just grabbing phones out of people's hands, throwing it, then handing them a sprint phone. And everyone would be like, oh, that's funny.

Little League sound bites will soon become fake and self-aware, ruining the magic

Do you think there will be a point where these kids become a little self-aware and start doing this? Because Big Al is, like, so beautiful because he's genuine. But we're going to get to that point where they're going to try to start making sound bites and stuff, and it's going to ruin it.

Media personalities should get things wrong on purpose once every few months to move the needle

I had somebody to pull me aside. I was like, you take it too seriously when I was younger. And he said, get something wrong on purpose. Just be so wrong once every few months that it kind of registers with people.

Kevin Durant should be the new 'White Whale' guest for PMT

People always ask our white whale once we got J.J. Watt. Now Kevin Durant's our white whale. It's got to be. Kevin Durant is now in a position where I really do think if he came on, it would be a win for him.

LeBron James would not be a good guest on the show

I actually don't think LeBron would be a good guest on the show. LeBron will never, ever do Pardon My Take. He would probably complain and let [his feelings] fester.

Skip Bayless will blame LeBron James for destroying the American education system

Skip Bayless for saying that LeBron James is destroying the American educational system by making children stay up too late to watch West Coast games. Ruining America's future. He'll deputize himself to be the watchdog and guardian of America.

I am the person who introduced the French Levi's shirt fashion trend to the United States

I noticed, not to brag, I was over in France... everybody wears this Levi's shirt. It's like a really big fashion thing. And so it's going to come over to the U.S., and I'm calling my shot. I'm going to be the first one in the U.S. to start wearing it. So then when you see all these famous people wear it, be like, yo, PFT actually introduced that to the United States.

Hulk Hogan's reinstatement to the Hall of Fame represents a 'one-in, one-out' policy for racism

But now that Papa John got in trouble for saying the N-word... In America, we have like a one-in, one-out policy for racism. So Papa John's racist now, and because he's in the club, Hulk Hogan is now out of the racism club.

Stephen A. Smith's receding hairline makes him a better journalist

Stephen A., his hair has been receding into that cul-de-sac that he has for the last five years. It becomes like a satellite dish of hair. So he's able to hear these whispers at a pace that you or I can't, that mere mortals can't.

Adrian Wojnarowski is bigger than the NBA and ESPN can't touch him

It's like ESPN is not going to do shit to him. No. Because he's Woj. He's bigger than the league. Technically, he didn't tip any picks. No, he just said that they're unlikely to pass on them.

You can't fire an FBI agent for breakdancing

You can't fire someone for feeling a dance circle. If you've ever been at a wedding, any kind of party, there's nothing more awkward than a dance circle where no one goes in. So this guy had to go in. He did an unbelievable move.

Chris Paul not playing Game 7 with a hamstring injury is weak compared to hockey players

So my hammy hurts so bad you can't go out and jump up two inches off the ground and take a jump shot because you're hammy? Are you kidding me? You can't get a shot? Like hockey players, you know how many shots? There's probably, I bet you 18 or 20 guys got a needle somewhere in their body last night just to go out and try to battle for the cup... It's a long way from the heart.

There should be a reality show called 'The Amazing Racist' for people fired for racism

Everyone that gets fired for being racist should go on a reality show together. They should make a reality show called Racism Island... The Amazing Racist... The winner is the first person to get fired for being too racist from the show that you go to for being fired because you're racist.

Stephen A. Smith is using the N-word on air to get ESPN to fire him so he can reunite with Skip Bayless

I also have a theory that Stephen A. Smith is just trying to get broken up with at ESPN because he misses Skip Bayless so much... God bless the broken road that will eventually lead Stephen A. Smith back to skip. And if he has to drop the in-bomb a couple times on the air, so be it.

Legalized gambling will eventually end the relationship with personal bookies

My first hot seat is your bookie... gambling is legal. I don't think anyone's going to lose their bookie overnight. I think it's going to be probably like a decade, but at some point the bookie relationship will be something of the past. And that's very sad.

Every crime drama can be successful with just interviews and aerial drone shots

We need to do a crime drama because essentially all you have to do is interview a couple like FBI or ATF guys and then mix in a shitload of drone shots of where, around where it happened. Like, Making a Murderer, it was just half drone shots. Evil genius, half drone shots.

Darren Rovell is a 'Debbie Downer' for analyzing athlete business ventures like Marvin Jones Jr.'s cupcake shop.

Darren Rovell from the rafters telling him that the most important part about opening a franchise is to understand that franchisor fees come off gross sales, not net sales... and basically shits all over Marvin Jones Jr.'s dream and tells him that he made a terrible investment... He is Debbie Downer in real life. What a fucking asshole.

The new Monday Night Football booth will be Joe Tessitore, Jason Witten, and Booger McFarland

Booger, he got the gig as first reported by me. The Monday Night Football gig. So it's going to be Booger, Jason Witten, and then [Joe Tessitore]... as far as I know, the first to say it was me.

No matter where we go in our careers, people will try to take us down for our past

It's almost liberating because it taught me that no matter where we go with our careers, people are going to try to take me down for my past. And that's fine because at this point, the biggest takeaway was don't get caught in a situation where internal politics and people with an ax to grind can determine your fate.

Going to ESPN was a mistake fueled by the brand's legacy seduction

I think it was a mistake for sure. It was a mistake to go back to ESPN. I'll be honest. We got, speaking for myself at least, got a little bit seduced by the fact that, hey, we're going to be on ESPN. I mean, I grew up watching ESPN. It's a brand.

Television as a medium is dying

Yeah, that's the problem they're having is TV's dying. Right. Nobody watches TV anymore. It is, but it isn't. It's dying.