Takes

A rhino is a better version of an African buffalo in a fight

I'm taking a rhino, which is a better version of the African buffalo. ... It's got thicker skin, which is basically armor. It's got the horn.

Roadhouse is the most badass movie of all time and is the opposite of a nerd movie

It's literally like the most badass movie of all time. It is the opposite of a nerd movie. Hey, Hank, I fuck guys like you. I fuck guys like you in jail. That's a Roadhouse quote. Think about that. Put that in your head.

Dwight Schrute is a sidekick to Michael Scott

I'm going to go with George Costanza and Dwight Schrute. Those are my second and third picks [for Mount Rushmore of Sidekicks]. [Dwight] was to Michael.

A-Rod moving to third base makes him an all-time sidekick

My next one is going to be A-Rod. Move to third base. Before he ever won anything.

The Wendy's Spicy Chicken Sandwich is the 'Granddaddy of them all' for chicken sandwiches

I'm going to go with a spicy chicken sandwich at Wendy's. I actually had this listed before Chick-fil-A on my big board. So it's a good value pick for me. I think it's kind of the granddaddy of them all as far as chicken sandwiches go.

McDonald's fries are the best fast food item

And then for my last pick, McDonald's fries. Can't believe I got that one in the fourth round. I know. I know.

The Whataburger Honey Butter Chicken Biscuit is the best breakfast sandwich in America

Big time honorable mention to Whataburger Honey Butter Chicken Biscuit. Yes. Best breakfast sandwich in America. People forget Whataburger, not the best thing on the menu, is not burgers. It's the Honey Butter Chicken Biscuit. And it is incredible.

Men should never use 2.5-pound plates at the gym

Men shouldn't use the two and a half plates ever. Ever. ... You went up two and a half pounds today. Like, men shouldn't use the two and a half plates ever.

The Simpsons is the best cartoon show of all time

Number one, no-brainer, Simpsons. Best cartoon show of all time. Even though there were only like seven or eight awesome seasons of it, those seven or eight seasons were good enough to justify like 50 years of shit.

The Montgomery Biscuits is a top-tier minor league team name

I got to go Montgomery Biscuits. The best part about it is the tongue is a pat of butter.

Rookie of the Year is the best baseball movie

Best baseball movie... I'm actually going to go Rookie of the Year number one... Because it's the Cubs.

You should never eat chicken because it is a 'nervous bird.'

Harbaugh pulled Wilton Speight aside and told him not to eat chicken, a protein that is considered fairly safe by nutritionists. When Speight asked why, Harbaugh said, 'Because it's a nervous bird.' He thinks some type of sickness injected its way into the human population when people began eating white meats instead of beef and pork. And I believe it 100%.

Watching the Real Housewives and the OC is okay

I'm a little more grown up, I do happen to watch and enjoy from time to time the Real Housewives series. Only the New York. Atlanta? I like Atlanta. Crazy. Countess? Crazy.

Rosé cider is delicious despite being a 'chick drink'

Rosé cider. Kind of a chick drink, but it's just so delicious. I could drink it any day. Sometimes the ones in the can have a lot of sugar, though, so I try and go out of my way to find one with low sugar.

Dwight Howard is the ultimate locker room cancer because he ruins every team he joins

dwight howard is my number one in like the world to me he is everywhere he goes he is terrible... he's been with all those teams. He's ruined all of those teams. I honestly think if you put him on your team, you're just basically... trying to destroy your team from within.

Twitter would have caused the Cuban Missile Crisis to actually happen

The first one I have is the Cuban Missile Crisis. So the Cuban Missile Crisis, when the world is about to go in a nuclear standoff, I think Twitter might have actually had it happen. Like if JFK was tweeting at the Russians, like that probably would have caused the Cuban Missile Crisis to actually happen.

Gorillas are the best zoo animal because looking into their eyes is life-changing

Right off the bat, I'm going gorillas. Gorillas are great for so many reasons. Have you ever looked into a gorilla's eyes in the zoo when they make eye contact with you? It is a life-changing conversation. If you can get past the tears that are flowing out of them. It is a life-changing event.

Penguins are the most entertaining zoo animal because they trip and fall

My number two, definitely the most entertaining zoo animal, penguins. When penguins are running around, a penguin diving into the water is just pure joy.

The Michael Jordan statue is the most iconic sports statue in the world

I'm going to MJ's statue, iconic statue. It's a logo that everyone, you know, it's basically the coolest logo in the world. That's the number one sports statue in the world in my mind.

Massive monuments are the best because they prove you 'really ran shit' while alive

I think the best monuments are the big, giant ones. That's how you know you really ran shit when you were alive. You've got a statue that's three or four times the size of you.

The St. Louis Gateway Arch is the worst monument in the world

I have my nominee for the worst. The Arch in St. Louis. Yes, that one sucks. Like, hey, let's just put like a big piece of metal on your front lawn. It looks like a leftover part from the air conditioner.

The Challenge is the number one reality show of all time

My number one reality show of all time is The Challenge. I have seen pretty much every season... I watch it now. It never gets old.

Cops is a top-tier reality show because of its unique hook and short format

My first one is going to be Cops. Cops is a classic. I also like the format of it. It's short, and it hooks you in. One thing they do when they play a marathon of Cops, right when the end credit of Bad Boys by Inner Circle is done, the start of Bad Boys by Inner Circle just hits immediately.

Riptide Rush is the only good Gatorade flavor

I'll go Mint Chocolate Chip and Riptide Rush... [Riptide Rush is] the only good one. No, it's the white one.

Playing mini-golf more than 10 times a year makes you a psychopath

If you play mini golf more than 10 times a year, you're probably a psychopath. Mini golf is fun on vacation, but you realize after 10 holes, you're like, I've had enough mini golf.

Jesus is the greatest comeback in history

My first one is going to be Jesus... Jesus got crossed up, came back three days later. Pretty impressive. Saved all of humanity. So a little disrespectful on your guys' account, not picking Jesus, number one.

Pam Beesly is the worst character on The Office

Very telling that no one has taken Pam [in the draft]... Yeah, Pam's the worst. Pam's the worst.

Sitting on a winning bet ticket is one of the best feelings in the world

My number four will be when you're sitting on a winning bet ticket. So like when you bet the Capitals and win the Stanley Cup and you know that it's our year and you're just like, I have $1,500 free money.

Cracker Jacks are the coleslaw of candy

Cracker Jacks are the coleslaw of candy. They're good for like a handful. Yeah, and nobody really likes it. It's more about the visual of walking around with a thing of Cracker Jacks.

Colangelo's burner accounts are the weirdest NBA storyline of the season

I still got to go with a general manager in the NBA getting fired for someone in his family, possibly him, burner tweeting his own players. Collar gate.

LeBron James playing all 82 games at age 33 is highly suspicious

LeBron James, 33 years old, 15 years in the league, played all 82 games. Seems like his durability's going up at 33. Most athletes, their durability goes down. [Implying HGH use].

Mint chocolate chip is the best ice cream flavor

My number one flavor... It's mint chocolate chip. Best ice cream flavor there is. Number one pick.

Phish Food is the best Ben & Jerry's flavor

I would die on this hill: Fish Food. It's got the marshmallow. And you know what I like? The crunch element is the chocolate-covered caramel fish.

Jerry Garcia and the Grateful Dead are overrated

I'm just going to say it out loud. Jerry Garcia and the Grateful Dead, a little overrated.

Establishing the run game is the foundation of all football success

Mine [Mount Rushmore] is establishing the run game. Love when a team establishes the run game. Just run, run, run, run, run. Because then you get that play-action pass and the cameraman misses. It opens things up. ... Everything starts with establishing the run. That's just a fact.

The first game of the World Cup is the only one everyone genuinely gets up for

That's the one soccer game that everybody gets up for is the first one. And then after that, the novelty kind of dies off. I would say that the championship game is a little bit more fatigue. So, like, everyone's had a month of soccer already. If they're not one of your two teams in the finals, you're like, eh, I can take it or leave it.

The Pringles and Italian sandwich munchies are elite-tier

My number one would probably be steak and cheese... I'm going to go Pringles... I'm going to go with... frozen yogurt. That whole like when you go to the frozen yogurt bar and you get everything. It's actually not so much. It's just candy.

Stuffing is the greatest thing in the world

I'm going stuffing. I fucking love stuffing. Stuffing is the greatest thing in the world. Why don't we eat stuffing every day? Make the turkey out of the stuffing. It's so good.

Men should cover up their legs and never wear shorts

Hot take. The once and future king of Mount Rushmore season, shorts. Cool take. I kind of hate shorts. I think men should cover up their legs.

A solo hungover Chinese food order must be at least $75

If you order Chinese food by yourself, by the way, when you're hungover and you are under $75, you're doing it wrong. Because what you need to do when you're hungover and you're ordering Chinese food is you order every single thing that you might just want a little taste of.

Ice cream is the most efficient way to cool your core down during a hangover

I'm going to go with just ice cream because it's so easy. You don't have to worry about chewing it... it cools your core down when you get that hangover where you're dehydrated and you have that lava core. You're sitting on your couch sweating, but if you have the ice cream, it cools you down more efficiently than anything else could.

I would give away five to ten years of my life to guarantee Wi-Fi on every plane flight.

Nothing worse in the world than being on a plane with no Wi-Fi and no TVs. I would give away five to ten years of my life to make sure that I had Wi-Fi on a plane all the time.

Oatmeal raisin is the number one cookie of all time

Number one of all cookies ever is oatmeal raisin cookies. I love the texture of oatmeal and cookies. I think it adds something to the texture that I like.

Oatmeal raisin is a trash-ass cookie

Because that's a trash-ass cookie. That's a trash ass cookie. Oatmeal raisin is not a Mount Rushmore cookies cookie.

The Patriots would be viewed as frauds if not for the coaching collapses of Pete Carroll, Dan Quinn, and Andy Reid

A 30 for 30 about how everybody would look at the New England Patriots as being the biggest chokers of all time if it weren't for the three biggest Super Bowl collapse coaching jobs with Pete Carroll, Dan Quinn, and Andy Reid forgetting how clocks work. If it wasn't for those three, then everybody would say, I think the word we'd be using with the Patriots wouldn't be dynasty. It would be fraud.

Break up with your significant other before starting freshman year of college

My first is don't ever have a girlfriend or boyfriend your freshman year of college. Good one. That's breakup time. Yep. ... always break up that first year. You can always get back together if you want to. Long distance.

Never trust a football coach who doesn't use a fullback

My next one is going to be never trust a football coach who doesn't use a fullback. What's he trying to hide? That's a good one. You want a guy that's leading for your teammates out there. What is he trying to hide?

Always bet on home dogs in college sports and never bet the under

Always bet on home dogs in college football and basketball. Also, it goes without saying, but never bet the under. You don't want to be that fucking. I'd rather lose a million bets betting the over than win one betting the under.

Never congratulate a woman on being pregnant

Never, ever congratulate a woman on being pregnant. Oh, yeah. Never. And don't touch the belly. I don't care if she's got a bracelet on and she's in the hospital. Never congratulate you. Because you're going to be wrong. You might be right 99 times. You'll be wrong. Guess what? The people that you say, hey, congrats on being pregnant to, they're not going to give a shit. The one person that you mess up on, that's going to haunt you.

The Detroit Pistons 90s horse logo jersey is one of the worst ever

My number one was the Pistons throwback. Remember when the Pistons changed their logo in the 90s? The green and yellow and red horse. The worst jersey criteria is when the original jersey was great and the original logo was great. They're like, we're just going to make everything weird colors.