Takes

Using an 'all-star' officiating crew for the Super Bowl is a bad idea due to lack of chemistry

Penalty flags... they announced a Super Bowl crew, Ron Torbert—they are collabing. It's not a crew he's worked with... chemistry is more important than—you want a crew that's been solid together. They're greater than the sum of their parts.

Failing NFL teams should always flush the whole staff and front office out

The Jaguars, and this goes for the Giants as well, I do not understand teams that don't flush it all out. If your team is an abject failure, just... Flush the fucking thing out.

Robert Kraft's investment in a Call of Duty team is a genius move

Robert Kraft bought a Call of Duty team... everyone says that buying these roster spots is a waste of money... I would have agreed with them until Robert Kraft bought the top spot. Now genius investment.

U.S. politicians should settle disputes in MMA matches

Two politicians down in Brazil... had a three round MMA fight, which was sick... I really wish I kinda wish that would happen more in the United States and other places.

LeBron James got off easy with a one-game suspension for punching Isaiah Stewart

LeBron James basically owns the NFL [sic], which we already knew, but the fact that he got suspended one game for assault is fucking ridiculous... He looked him dead in the eye and then punched him in the face. Like if you watched the replay, he knew exactly what he was doing.

LeBron James is an absolute fraud for how he handled the Alex Caruso departure

Last night was a perfect encapsulation of how LeBron is just an absolute fraud. The story came out that the Lakers basically asked Caruso to take less money... LeBron is the GM. Everyone knows this... then it's all over him hugging them on social media like 'love you bro'.

Mac Jones is the Grayson Allen of the NFL

Mac Jones is sort of gotten the, some people are calling them the Grayson Allen of the NFL... Because he's a tripper.

Never mess with a family from the former Yugoslavia

As a general rule of thumb, don't fuck with any family from the former Yugoslavia. It's great just because it's taking this... Yeah, they're like if the Ryan twins were in the movie Taken.

Never trust anyone who owns a monkey or a snake as a pet

Never trust anyone who owns a monkey or a snake as a pet. They're not trustworthy... A monkey is just, it's basically you buy a monkey, it sits in your house, and it's just you set the timer for when it decides it wants to rip your face off. That's all it is.

Peyton Manning essentially admitted to cheating by doctoring footballs on the ManningCast

Peyton Manning starts going off this rant about how the ball boys in Indianapolis use the special sauce and they did all these tricks of the trade and did all this shit with the ball... and it's just crickets. Why not have that conversation when Brady is on the air... and Peyton is just like, yeah, we had our special sauce.

You cannot be a diehard fan of two rival teams from the same city

I agree with this premise, by the way. If you are a diehard fan of one team from your hometown, you can't be a diehard fan of the equal and opposite team from that hometown... if you're John Cusack and you grew up in Chicago... he's a guy that should only be able to pick one of those two teams.

Bally Sports has the worst on-screen presentation

The only thing I can say is fuck Bally Sports. They have the worst by far [on-screen presentation].

Joe West is a baseball great and deserves appreciation

Joe West is what we need. He's an all-time great. Joe West is baseball. And if you don't like Joe West, you got a dump in your pants.

Mitch Trubisky is better than Taylor Heinicke

I wouldn't hate Mitch Trubisky on the football team... He's better than Taylor Heinicke... He absolutely is.

Putting mayo on a turkey sandwich is the most American thing you can eat

A perfectly normal amount of mayo on a tuna fish sandwich or a turkey sandwich, that's the most American thing that you can eat.

Coach Prime is objectively better than Hard Knocks

Coach prime. It's like a Barstool version of hard knocks. Deion Sanders, Jackson state. It's out now. It's better than hard knocks objectively. No bias.

The NFL's new taunting rules are bad for the game of football

I see it as taunting. So the NFL came out with new rules... I love this. [Sarcastic] Oh yeah, no fuck for the game. No, no, no, no, no. I love this.

The U.S. women's soccer team sucks at soccer now

My hot seat is the U.S. women's soccer team because they lost and we stink... I tweeted about like, oh, we suck at soccer now.

You need at least $50 million in the bank to successfully use your parents' wealth to get out of jail

He was screaming like, my parents have $2 million. That's a lot of money, but it's also not like... I feel like if you're trying to get out of jail for free, your parents have to have like $50 million.

Olympic horses should receive medals instead of the human riders

Why are we giving the people who ride on the horses medals? Like, shouldn't these medals go to the horses? ... How come the horse doesn't get that medal?

Rob Manfred should refuse to drug test Shohei Ohtani for the good of the sport

Rob Manfred, do not piss test Shohei Ohtani whatever you do. I don't care what he's on right now. The only way you could fuck this up is if you stuck a little test strip into a stream of urine and then you just were just a big bummer for America.

The Sopranos prequel being a movie instead of a TV show is a mistake

The trailer for the new movie, it's a movie. I thought it was a TV show and the fact that it's a movie is a little bit worrisome... I just feel like it's going to be hard to—the TV show was so good because you know, you can extend the episodes... and they try and compact it all into two hours.

Scotty Pippen is doing a great job promoting his bourbon because his controversial takes are keeping him in the news

I actually think he's doing a great job of pitching this bourbon... because everyone's talking about Scotty Pippen, but calling Phil Jackson racist for drawing up a winning play to Toni Kukoc... it goes against everything that everyone knows... he's on a scorched earth tour just getting back at everybody.

Skip Bayless has an investigative team searching athletes' wives' Instagram followers

There's very clearly a person behind the scenes working for Skip Bayless that has Skip Bayless's brain and does all the things online. ... and he just feeds Skip Bayless crap all day, and it just ends up on TV. Like his little private investigator for him.

Australia is back on the map as the 'weirdest' people on Earth thanks to a kid eating a watermelon rind

He brings an entire watermelon with him, and he starts eating it. He bites through the rind, and he eats the entire watermelon by himself. When I say entire, I mean the green, the white part. Everything... it's a huge dub for Australia... This put australia back on the map as like the weirdest people on the planet.

I am officially counting LeBron James out

So, well, let's just do a quick straw poll. Are you counting [LeBron] out? ... I want to count him out. Yeah, I'm going to do it. I'm going to count him out.

Aaron Rodgers has benefited from the Packers' organizational culture he now claims to hate

Aaron Rodgers has benefited from the Packers' organizational culture... that's why they have had success is because they are an organization that is always looking forward... the best time to get a quarterback is when you don't need one. That's what they did. So Aaron Rodgers has benefited... but now he doesn't like it.

Replacing snow days with remote learning is a terrible decision for the youth

The New York City public schools will have remote learning instead of snow days next year... that's just terrible. I feel bad for the youth.

Criticizing the cartoon 'Bluey' for a lack of human diversity is stupid

Kids cartoon Bluey criticized for not having disabled, queer, poor, gender diverse or dogs of color. It's dogs. It's a show about cartoon dogs... none of us were [represented] because we're not dogs. It's a show about dogs. Cartoon fake dogs.

Ronald Acuña Jr. is officially the face of baseball

My cool throne is baseball because we do officially—I'm ready to call it—Ronald Acuña fully the face of baseball already. I just think Ronald Acuña, like, did you see what he did? He beat out the very routine infield hit... scores tagging up from third on a pop-up to the second baseman.

Aaron Rodgers is the perfect fit to host Jeopardy!

I do think that this is the perfect fit for Aaron Rodgers. I think it's everything that he loves. I watched Jeopardy a lot, and it features mustaches heavily, and it features the host who gets to know the answers to everything and feel smarter than everybody else, which is exactly in Aaron Rodgers' name.

LeBron James never would have won the 2020 title if fans were in the stands

LeBron. Because he never would have won a title if there were fans. Seriously.

Zach Wilson's cross-body pro day throw was absolutely insane

Zach Wilson had an insane throw where he rolled out left and then cross body through towards the right pylon, like 70 yards in the air.

Michael Strahan sold out by getting the gap in his teeth fixed

My hot seat's Michael Strahan... He got rid of the gap in his teeth... His approval rating will probably, I mean, people are used to seeing the gap, and it's like, you know, embrace your imperfections, dude.

Kevin Durant has actually become more likable by being more online

Kevin Durant is the most online person of all time. I think he has done the impossible. Usually when people are more online, they become worse people... Kevin Durant has become more likable by being online more.

I can beat up any 10-year-old in the entire world

I think that I could beat up any 10-year-old in the country. Probably the world. I don't think that there's a 10-year-old in the world whose ass I couldn't kill... Pre-puberty, I could defeat any 10-year-old in the world.

LeBron James could absolutely make an NFL roster

LeBron because he would have been the best two-sport athlete of all time making a NFL roster. I actually believe him. I don't know why anyone would say, oh, LeBron couldn't make an NFL team. No, he absolutely could. Without a doubt.

NFL coaches should go for two points every single time

93% of extra points were made... 48% of two-point conversions were completed... realize that they should go for two every single time. But they won't do it... if you have a good offense, you should absolutely go for two points every single time.

The 90s starter jacket and script hat is the pinnacle of coach fashion

The absolute pinnacle of coach looks will forever be the nineties when it comes to the script hat and the starter jacket. That is the coolest that coaches will ever look in any sport ever... I miss those days. I wish guys would wear starter jackets again.

Novak Djokovic is a scumbag for his selfish COVID restriction requests

Australian Open, Australia has COVID under control... Djokovic sent in basically his own list of requests and suggestions on how they can actually do a better job with COVID... His suggestions were to basically lessen the restrictions, make it easier. Basically, he was selfish.

I am okay with moving the Elite Eight and Sweet Sixteen to Saturday through Tuesday

I do actually like that. They're the Sweet 16 and Elite Eight. Sweet 16 is Saturday, Sunday, Elite Eight, Monday, Tuesday. I'm okay with that because Elite Eight is, it's weird when you have the Elite Eight on that Saturday and Sunday and you're like, wait, there's only two games... Whereas now you'll work all day Monday and then you get basketball at the end of the day.

Bitcoin investors will die rich but never spend their money because they are obsessed with holding

The whole point of being rich is to spend money and do cool shit. Bitcoin people just... in the next 10 years it's going to be the only currency that exists. There's going to be at least a few people who die and they're like... worth 100 million dollars. They didn't spend any of it.

JJ Watt's heartfelt apology to Deshaun Watson was staged for the cameras

My Hot Seat is the Texans camera crew... JJ Watt and Deshaun Watson were sharing a heartfelt moment of JJ Watt apologizing to Deshaun Watson and he said, 'I'm sorry we wasted a season for you.' And a fucking camera guy caught it... he's got to be pretty embarrassed about that because that's something that, you know, between teammates... or else everyone's going to know what a great dude you are.

Going to a strip club on Sunday is just bad decision making regardless of COVID protocols

Going to a strip club on Sunday is just in general, not a smart idea. Sunday's not a good strip club day... a smart quarterback in my book would either go Monday for $5 buckets or you go on Thursday for the lunch steak and shrimp combo.

Outside beer season is the best beer season

Outdoor beers. It's outdoor beer season. When it's snowing outside, when it's cold, you don't have to take up space in your refrigerator, you leave the beers outside. It's God's refrigerator. You crack open a beer directly from your porch and it tastes colder than it does on the fridge. It's the best season of all.

Twitter's decision to discontinue Periscope is a mistake

Hot Seat Periscope. It's been discontinued in March. The Twitter made the decision to, it's going to be Twitter live. So the memories that the Cat caves there. Twitter does that. They choose the wrong thing to do and do it more than any company that's ever existed.

Getting benched is the best thing that ever happened to Carson Wentz

I actually think Carson Wentz getting benched was the greatest thing that's ever happened to Carson Wentz. Dude, he's going to get paid to not play football. And he's really bad. So now he doesn't have to be really bad every week. I'm sure he dreaded playing football.

Bill Walton's commentary only works at 11:00 PM; he is 'exposed' during daytime games

The problem is it's in the middle of the day. Bill Walton is exposed when he's in the middle of the day. It's usually 11 o'clock at night... and it's pretty much just you and Bill Walton. Right now, the whole world's kind of watching because it's sports during the day... we've got to get him off of this daytime slot.

Fraser Fir is the only acceptable Christmas tree; do not buy Douglas Fir or Spruce

Bottom line is get yourself a Fraser fir. Don't go for Douglas fir. Don't let them talk you into a fucking spruce. Worst of all, go with a Fraser fir as a former Christmas tree salesman, I can tell you. Actually, no one's ever a former Christmas tree salesman. For life.

The 76ers new City Edition jerseys are the worst of all time

My hot seat have a few first one is the 76ers. They released the ugliest probably the worst Jersey reveal of all time the NBA yesterday. They like had new City theme jerseys that are just disgusting... objectively ugly uniforms.