Takes

Tom Brady looked like a 'plastic weird doll' at the Met Gala

My other hot seat is Tom Brady for looking like a plastic weird doll... Take away the clothes. His face looked weird. I definitely don't understand fashion. I don't, but I don't think it was a fashion. Take away the clothes. His face looked weird.

The Oakland A's low attendance signifies that baseball is dwindling away

My hot seat is the Oakland A's and baseball in general. Oakland A's only managed to draw 7,000 people for their game against the Rangers last night. ... I mean, baseball, another sign. Baseball's dwindling away.

Villanova has officially earned its seat at the table as a college basketball blue blood

Villanova is now getting called a blue blood. So maybe one less seat at the table. You can't only have so many blue bloods. Are we going to shuffle someone out? I don't know.

MLB should have every player miked up for regular season games

They should just have everyone miked at all times. I would love it. I'd watch another feed. ... First five innings. Perfect.

Ed Hochuli's retirement is a major blow to the NFL's masculinity

My hot seat is NFL's masculinity. Ed Hochuli retired. He's gone. There's going to be no more giant arms coming at you every Sunday, so I don't know what NFL's going to do. They need someone to fill the void of just a jacked, jacked ref.

No one will run on Jon Lester because they're afraid of being picked off by a bounce throw

So John Lester's on the cool throne. He is going to unveil a new bounce throw to first base. ... You can't be the guy who gets picked off from a bounce throw. So now you got to be thinking about that in the back of your head. Don't run on Jon Lester because the embarrassment will be suffocating.

The NFL should stop the clock after first downs under two minutes like college football

The only rule I really want to see in the NFL is I want the NFL to... adopt the clock stops after a first down under two minutes like the college... Because it makes – you can come back with 45 seconds left. It's awesome to watch.

Kevin Love is reading The Godfather to try and bond with LeBron James

Kevin Love is reading The Godfather... He's getting on LeBron's level. They're going to have a lot to talk about. They're going to sit next to each other on plane rides and just talk about Fredo.

Mike Tice retiring because players 'don't want to be coached' just means he sucks at coaching

Mike Tice is going to retire, and he says it's because players no longer want to be coached... When you say that you're quitting your coaching job because players don't want to be coached, you're just saying, 'I suck at coaching.'

Carson Wentz proposing to his girlfriend right after the Super Bowl was a smart move to protect his job

Did you see Carson Wentz propose to his girlfriend today too? ... That's actually really smart on Wentz's part because his job is being questioned by some people. And the person who may have taken your job [Nick Foles] also is packing an absolute unit. And so you have to lock that shit down.

Amazon's no-employee stores are the beginning of the robot takeover

Amazon opened its first no-employee store... I'm pretty sure this is exactly how the robot takeover starts... I think we're all fucked. So this is basically 1984. This is Big Brother. It exists, but it exists in supermarkets.

The Illuminati is not real

Here's my take. I don't think the Illuminati is real. I've actually been doing a lot of thinking about this today. If the Illuminati was real, they would be so powerful that they would eventually sue somebody who came after [them]... If they were actually real, they would shut that shit down.

Debating whether Die Hard is a Christmas movie is the worst argument on Twitter

My other hot seat is people who want to debate Die Hard being a Christmas movie because I do not give a fuck. That actually might be the worst Twitter argument that goes on now. Is Die Hard a Christmas movie? That was like five years ago and it wasn't interesting then and it's still even more uninteresting now.

Colt McCoy is 75% of the quarterback Kirk Cousins is

I think Colt McCoy is about 75% of what Kirk Cousins is. So that's like... 40% of a franchise quarterback.

Stephen A. Smith has a point about his 'Screaming A. Smith' nickname being unfair

Stephen A. Smith says there's racial undertones to anyone who calls him Screamin' A. Smith. So he says there's a lot of people out there who scream. Why don't they get the Screamin' A. Smith nickname? ... I've done some thinking about this out loud, some verbal thoughts, and you're right. I will stop saying screaming.

Lacrosse is booming and the sales are up

My cool throne is lacrosse. Nike chairman Phil Knight, he was commenting on the Duke Florida game the other day, and he said, lacrosse is growing. So the sales are up. They're growing, not a show. Business is booming.

Kyrie Irving is significantly better than Isaiah Thomas

I think we need to find every single person who thought that the Kyrie trade wasn't good and ban them from ever watching basketball again. Because Kyrie Irving is so fucking good. And all the people that flipped out about Fultz... Kyrie Irving is... he was finishing at the rim in ways that it took my breath away.

USA Soccer is off the hook for missing the World Cup because Italy missed it too

USA Soccer is officially on the cool throne because Italy did not make the World Cup either. And that's like a big deal... we're off the hook, though. Because this is like the hottest chick who didn't make the ball... we can laugh and be like, no, those guys actually try, and they suck. It's not us.

The Raiders have lost their mojo because they aren't getting enough penalties

Jack Del Rio said that they've lost their mojo. You want to know why? Because they're like one of the least penalized teams in the NFL. That's not Raiders football.

The LSU Athletic Director should be on the hot seat instead of Coach O

My hot seat, a lot of people are calling for Coach O to be on the hot seat. Nope. But read an article by Tom Fornelli... The athletic director is the one that should be squarely on the hot seat.

High school is useless and you don't learn anything you use as an adult

I'm kind of in agreement with [LaVar Ball] because who needs high school? Name one thing that you learned in high school that you used today. That's what I thought. No. You don't learn shit in high school.

The NFC North is currently the 'Division of Quarterbacks' in the NFL

My other cool throne is names. Speaking of quarterbacks, cool throne... NFC North quarterbacks because that is officially the division of quarterbacks. Mitch Trubisky is going to start for the Bears... Matthew Stafford, Dark Horse MVP, Aaron Rodgers, Super Bowl winner, and Sam Bradford.

Twitter's 280-character limit will ruin threads and make the app unbearable

Twitter has announced that the app that everyone loves and can't make any money has announced they're going to make everyone read more. So 280 characters... I might not be able to be on Twitter anymore. That's so much reading. They just doubled their product. And they just ruined threads.

I am firmly anti-Tony Romo as a broadcaster because he provides too many spoilers

I'm fucking sick of everyone saying how great Tony Romo is... It's impressive that he calls plays, but I don't really want to know what's coming. It's a spoiler. He's literally doing in real time spoilers right in my face. And everyone's like, Tony Romo, such a breath of fresh air. I am firmly in the anti-Tony Romo until people just cool down a little about it.

Steve Jobs didn't design the iPhone for people to put cases on it

I have never had a case on my phone. Skin on metal. Feels good. Feels real good. Feels wrong to do it. Steve Jobs didn't make an iPhone to put a fucking case on it.

Relationships that survive the first four months of football season are destined for marriage

If you can make it through the first four months of football season with a new fling, you're basically going to get married.

Incest should be legal if the people involved are attractive enough

There should be a rule against making incest illegal if you're hot enough... every time that you see purebred dog, guess what? That dog's got a shitload of incest in its lineage. If you're above like a nine... you should be allowed to commit incest because those are good genes you got going on.

Alabama football would be terrible if it had higher SAT requirements

Josh Rosen... said that if you raise the SAT score requirement to get into Alabama, they'd have a shitty football team. So he's calling the entire state of Alabama dumb, basically... why would anybody want to go to school in Alabama if they had to be smart to go there?

Butts are on the Hot Seat because boobs are back in style

My hot seat is butts. Big hot seat because New York Post... they just wrote a trend piece about how boobs are back. So going to put butts square on the hot seat. Guess what? You thought it was cool to have a big butt? Everyone that went out there and got butt implants, you might want to see if those go two ways and you can just move them up to your chest.

Mike Vick's dog training experience will help him as an NFL coaching intern

There are actually probably some lessons from [Mike Vick's] dog training days that he could directly apply to training athletes. He's going to keep his young quarterbacks on a short leash until they're trustworthy.

Summer is the best time for Kenny Chesney

My cool throne is Kenny Chesney. When it's hot like this, it's summertime, it's the best time for Kenny Chesney. So he's got a solid two months where you can play Kenny Chesney pretty much at any place, and it will work.

The Bulls front office vote for Executive of the Year was a self-vote by Gar Foreman

Gar Foreman, he got a single vote for executive of the year. ... I still think it was himself I think it was himself it's like James Harden getting one vote for defensive player of the year yeah survey says it was himself

Dennis Rodman is the greatest American diplomat in history

Dennis Rodman... has proven that he is the greatest American diplomat in history... He just went to North Korea. But he freed that hostage that was over there.

J.J. Watt rejected the Top 100 players list only to show everyone how humble he is

J.J. responded to it and said, I only played three games last year. What a joke this list is. So J.J. gets it. He's going to make sure that everybody knows how humble he is. And he's rejecting the title of a top 100 player. While also letting everyone know that he made the top 100 list.

Rooftops are overrated for drinking

I think that rooftops are actually overrated. I'm a beer garden guy. I'm a beer garden guy and I'm a river guy.

Ohio State's program lacks class compared to Michigan

My hot seat is Ohio State. I'm sorry. The Ohio State University. We went to Michigan today. We met with Jim Harbaugh. It was great... All class exuding from the campus on Ann Arbor, unlike those guys down in Columbus. I'm just saying. They could – You still can rectify it. We're going to Columbus today. I don't want to be too mean to the guys in Columbus, but I'm just saying you guys are behind right now.

Leonard Fournette’s parents are geniuses for naming both sons Leonard

If you're a parent out there, a new parent, and you're thinking about having a couple kids and you think one is going to probably be better than the other, name the shittier kid just Leonard so that all of his mistakes – Or anytime your good kid, the one that's your breadwinner, fucks up, you can just blame the shittier kid.

Men wearing rompers will get laid more because everyone can see their package

Actually, this is a combo hot seat cool throne for guys with big dicks because hot seat, you might just be flashing people with your romper cool throne. Everyone can see your big dick. Probably can get laid more.

Tyronn Lue has Stockholm Syndrome and has absorbed LeBron James's mentality

It sounds to me like he [Tyronn Lue] has Stockholm Syndrome. Because this is something that LeBron James would say about himself. Like, leading this Cavs team is the hardest job... I think he's kind of absorbed his stars mentality a little bit.

Alex Smith has had a long career of being, for the most part, shitty

He had a long career, and for the most part, he was shitty. [Alex Smith's] byline. That's Alex Smith's byline.

Mint Juleps are overrated drinks that you only want half of

Mint julep is the ultimate drink where you get really excited about having them on Derby Day... then by the time you get halfway done, you're like, I'll just take a beer.

Oakland is a bad sports town

Oakland's a bad sports town. Derek Carr said that fans that don't follow the Oakland Raiders to Las Vegas aren't good fans. ... You have to admit that he's right. ... Oakland has... a big enough sense entitlement as it is. ... Oakland come on get your shit together.

The NBA has a credentialed media problem

This puts the credentialed media squarely in the crosshairs of the NFL. In fact, I would go as far to say that the NFL has a credentialed media problem... Epidemic of their credentialed media people violating the law.

The Somali Pirates are a dynasty

My cool throne Somali Pirates. They robbed a ship for the first time in five years. Hell yes. So they are back. Is it fair to say the Somali Pirates are a dynasty now?

The five-foul rule in college basketball is the dumbest rule in sports

Also, hot seat, the foul, five fouls in college. Everyone gets mad about that, including myself. I hate that rule. I think it's the dumbest thing ever.

Michael Vick's legacy is secure as one of the best quarterbacks ever

I'm just going to throw it out there. I think Michael Vick's legacy is secure. He's one of the best quarterbacks ever.

I hate that the NCAA is releasing top 16 seeds in mid-February

They are now going to try to drum up a little more intrigue to the NCAA tournament. So they're going to release the top 16 seeds starting mid-February... I hate that. Takes a little bit out of it. One of the great things about that tournament was I didn't have to spend any time thinking about it until that Sunday night.

Barron Trump is officially off-limits for comedy

Cool throne, Barron Trump officially off limits. Can't make fun of Barron Trump. Kids are off limits. No Barron Trump jokes. He's going to be—And the nice thing is, now that no one can make jokes about him, He's going to be a well-adjusted, normal adult. I think it's great.

People who complain about how much 2016 sucked are officially on the hot seat

My hot seat was, I think I talked about this a month ago, but I want to officially throw it on the hot seat because we're getting close to the end of the year. People who complain about how much 2016 sucked. You only have two weeks left to be a whiny little bitch on Twitter talking about how 2016, worst year ever.

The 'Yates of Hell' nickname is the greatest for someone who can't back it up

Maybe the greatest nickname for someone who can't back it up because this is what happens with TJ Yates. You sell yourself on Yates of Hell, and you even bet on Yates of Hell, and then you remember that it's actually just TJ Yates and he sucks.