Takes

Bill Walton should be the commentator for every sporting event televised

Bill Walton watching a baseball game is just, it's incredible. He should do way more games. I don't know why they haven't thought of this, but he should just do everything. When they do the Ocho on ESPN, it should just be Bill Walton.

Regional Little League World Series games are more exciting than the actual World Series in Williamsport

I don't know if this is a hot take or not, but the regional part of it before the actual Little League World Series is almost more exciting because... the America versus America, like Kentucky, Iowa versus Minnesota, those games are electric.

Eating raw cookie dough is worth the risk of salmonella poisoning

Eating raw cookie dough is worth the risk of salmonella poisoning... Dude, who gets salmonella from fucking eggs anyway? That's such bullshit.

Colt McCoy is a less sexy version of Ryan Fitzpatrick

Colt McCoy is back. He's like the less sexy version of Ryan Fitzpatrick. He pops up every couple years, has a good game. He's like Ryan Fitzpatrick if he was cleaned up for a job interview or something like that.

The Area 51 meme is the reason people are now bum rushing music festival gates

I blame the organizer of the Area 51 thing for just convincing people everywhere to get a big group and run through a fence. Some of these kids were jumping fences [at Lollapalooza], and I was just shocked by their athleticism.

LeBron James was taking time and attention away from the kids by dunking in the layup line

Seemed pretty dangerous. Seemed like he was taking time away from the kids. Seemed like the rim probably, the next dunk that goes down, the backboard's going to come down.

Joe Flacco has cool hair

We've been inundated with so many pictures of Joe Flacco and his cool hair. Reporters out in Denver can't believe that he actually has decent hair.

There are no real aliens at Area 51 because the government would have moved them if they were that well-known

If everyone knows Area 51, there's no chance there's real aliens there. They would have moved them somewhere else.

Grayson Allen's reputation for dirty play is back

Grayson Allen's back committing flagrant fouls at a rate unprecedented to players not named Grayson Allen. ... It's great to see a player fall back into the old stereotype that you had on him.

Wimbledon is a top-tier sport to take a nap through

Mount Rushmore of sports to take a nap through. I've been napping a lot through Wimbledon because it's the green. It's early to quiet. It's just a little bit of grunts here and there. But other than that, it's a nice little ease into a nap Wimbledon.

Peter King is a hypocrite for criticizing the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest

It is unbelievable to watch where Peter King draws the line. Putting a serial rapist into the Hall of Fame. Okay. Darren Sharper. Eating too many hot dogs on 4th of July? Nuh-uh. Don't do it. Covering a sport for 30, 40 years... where guys are dying from brain injuries... Okay. Watching Joey Chestnut eat 71 hot dogs on July 4th? Uh-uh. That's Peter King's line.

Being a 'koozie guy' is a sign of a weak drinker

This might be a controversial take, but I think I'm anti-koozie. Because maybe I'm just a guy that likes to drink his beer fast enough where you don't need a koozie. Maybe koozie is a crutch for the week. It's a participation trophy for drinking a beer like Aaron Rodgers.

I need football back because I'm watching obscure sports like beach volleyball and under-20 soccer out of desperation

The amount of sports that are on that are sports I don't care about is an insane amount right now. And I just, this, my who's back is I need football back because I wrote down everything that I watched this weekend... I watched some WNBA. I watched some lacrosse. I watched some tennis. I watched some beach volleyball... I watched an under-20 soccer match that we lost.

The US Men's National Team future looks bleak after their Under-20 World Cup performance

We got our asses kicked in the under-20 World Cup. The future's not here. Not here for the men.

The University of Virginia is the 'Boston' of colleges

Another huge win for lacrosse. Virginia beat Yale. Virginia's just pretty much the Boston of colleges.

Lacrosse and baseball should make goals worth more points to make the final score look cooler

You know what they really need to do in lacrosse? They need to make the goals worth more than one point. It's an easy fix for baseball, too, if you want to draw more attention to your sport. Like in football, a touchdown is really one score, but it's worth six, which makes the final score look so much cooler. In lacrosse, if every goal was worth five points and the final score was 100 to 98.

I prefer watching women's soccer over men's soccer because the U.S. actually wins.

I actually like watching women's soccer better than men's soccer because we actually win in women's soccer.

It doesn't matter if your team wins or loses, as long as you don't get embarrassed

In the long scheme of things, if you're a sports fan, it doesn't really matter if your team wins or loses. It just matters that you don't get embarrassed... Don't be the butt of everyone's joke.

The Vladimir Guerrero Jr. hype will get old by mid-season

MLB, I will say, they're kind of overdoing. Every time he does anything, they're like, Vladimir Guerrero, Vladimir Guerrero... I think halfway through the season, it's going to get a little old.

I would rather be a zombie than be canceled

We're going to all cancel each other until we're the army of the dead. And I'm okay with that. I'm on the record being fine with being a zombie army. You don't have a lot to worry about when you're literally dead.

The whole point of religion is to make a shitload of money

I, for one, am disgusted that anyone would profit off religion ever. I can't believe that. It's gross. The fact that Kanye thinks he can sell sweatshirts for his church, ugh. ... It's like having a religion and then owning a third of the world's land and tax-free and just making billions and billions of dollars. ... I love when people got mad about that. It's like, that's kind of the point of religion, to just make a shitload of money.

The Motley Crue movie 'The Dirt' is ten times better than Bohemian Rhapsody

Motley Crue is also back... They put out a Netflix movie. I know Queen Bohemian Rhapsody won all the awards. This was like a 10 times better of a biopic movie. All sex, drugs, rock and roll.

I am canceling Orange Vanilla Coke and will never drink it because of the excessive advertising

Orange Vanilla Coke I saw seven million times, and I hate it. I will never drink an orange vanilla Coke. I am canceling orange vanilla Coke.

Adnan Syed is definitely guilty

The one you're talking about [Serial] came out five years ago about Adnan Syed. Who I think is really, really guilty. But for some reason, they just... I don't know. He just seems like it was a show about a guy that was guilty that had very charming murderer.

Lacrosse is the sport of the future

Good indication of the sport of the future. I saw that highlight on my feed more than baseball, rugby, basketball, any other sport.

If the US prioritized rugby, we would be the best football country in the world

At this point, if the U.S. took our best rugby players from a young age and taught them football, we would be the best football country in the world. That's how good our rugby team is.

Jason Witten was essentially fired by ESPN

Jason Witten just got fired. Let's just call it what it is. If he was good at his job, he would not have gone back. I think ESPN was essentially like, dude, we're not saying you're fired, but... you're fired.

Eating out of bowls is superior to eating off plates

Bowls are way, way better than plates. Would we all agree? There's nothing that you can eat out of a plate that you can't also eat out of a bowl. Everything's getting put in a bowl these days.

Joey Logano is a 'baby back bitch' for blocking me on Twitter after I called him 'Slowy Slogano'

My other who's back is that baby back bitch, Slowy Slogano, who blocked me on Twitter for calling him Slowy Slogano. How soft is that? He basically tweeted and said, 'I had a great car, but sometimes it doesn't break your way,' which is a classic... So I filled it in for him, and then he blocked me.

'Abducted in Plain Sight' is the most jaw-dropping documentary I've ever watched

Whatever you're doing right now, drop everything and watch Abducted in Plain Sight because it is—let's just say it's the most jaw-dropping documentary I've ever watched. Not like a good—it wasn't one of those documentaries where you come across being like, man, I'm really thinking about it. It was awesome. I just said what the fuck probably about 15 times.

I am officially a SpongeBob SquarePants fan because the show is highly allegorical

I am definitely a SpongeBob fan. It's very allegorical. ... [The episode with Squidward] was basically like your inner child losing. Everyone should stop being like Squidward and start being more like Patrick Starfish.

Soulja Boy had the biggest comeback in the rap industry in 2018

My who's back of the week is... Big Draco, Soulja Boy... he claimed he had the biggest comeback in 2018, which he probably did. He's got a video game console... First rapper with a console. Huge difference. He's back. He's going to have a huge 2019.

Cody Parkey on Good Morning America is the end of civilization

Cody Parkey on Good Morning America... fucking ridiculous... This is the end of our civilization, folks. Everything that we stood on for the longest time, America, what it was founded on, not feeling bad for kickers when they fuck up. Guess what? It's over. You got one job to do.

Middling NBA teams should hire Tom Thibodeau for a short-term boost

If you're any middling NBA team out there, why not hire Tom Thibodeau right now? He's at least good to give you a little bit of juice for a few months. ... He's like steroids. Really good short-term. Bad for your hips.

SantaCon is awesome if you're in your early 20s

If you're in your early 20s, SantaCon and all-day drinking events, they're so much fun... When you get older, it's the last thing I'd ever want to do... Seriously, I really do get mad when I see people bashing these things, trying to look cool. It's okay to say I'm too old for it... But fuck, man, there's nothing better than being like 23 years old and saying, I don't really care if I get wasted all day.

Ohio State is a better football team than Oklahoma, but Oklahoma would win a head-to-head game.

Ohio State is a better football team than Oklahoma, but Oklahoma would beat Ohio State head-to-head... Ohio State actually plays defense. Oklahoma doesn't. But if Oklahoma played Ohio State, Oklahoma would absolutely shred them apart because Ohio State's one biggest weakness is the big plays.

Urban Meyer doesn't actually want to make the College Football Playoff because he's afraid of Nick Saban.

I actually think Urban Meyer doesn't want to go to the college football playoff. Because if you remember, Nick Saban basically forced him to have a heart attack. He made Tim Tebow cry. Nick Saban made God cry and gave Urban Meyer a heart attack. There's no way he wants to do that again.

Louisville is no longer fun without Pitino and Petrino

I wish they didn't fire Pitino and Petrino, because now I feel like Louisville's just not going to be as fun anymore. They went from the horniest campus in America to now just a really boring campus.

Tom Herman's complaints about Will Grier's celebration are hypocritical given his own past behavior

If you remember just a year ago when they were in a bowl game against Missouri and [Herman] was mocking Drew Lock in his gun salute, he was basically showing up the other team. And then when he loses, he's crying to the media and saying that Will Grier was unfair.

Boban Marjanovic is not of this world

My who's back is Boban... His clips of him playing are, I mean, I remember people talking about him last year, but this year it's like surreal. He's not of this world. It's like he's playing on a seven-foot hoop.

LeBron James is the new Steve Jobs

LeBron is the new Steve Jobs. From films and TV shows to educational institutions, A&R-ing via his IG... James is using his magnitude to invade industries and redirect the conversation.

The Giants should 'put Eli Manning down' like an old house cat

Eli Manning, he's more like an old house cat that just coughs up hairballs and shits himself all the time. Put it down. Put it down.

The clutch gene is a real muscle that can be strengthened

Researchers who study the brains of athletes believe more and more that a so-called clutch gene exists. They've seen enough incremental improvement through brain training that they regarded as a muscle capable of being built and likewise atrophying.

These new microphones officially make us look like douchebags

We look like fucking idiots with these new mics. I mean it sounds better I think so it looks like cool... but I do feel like we are officially douchebags. This is now official... like just close your eyes and be like the douchebags who have a podcast, this is what they do.

Jalen Ramsey's suspension is actually a great treat for him because he gets to sit in the air conditioning

That's why Jalen Ramsey was so smart to get suspended. True. That's a great treat for him. For going after the media. Yeah. Got to keep us in check.

Nick Saban and Bob Stoops are the ultimate football guys for ignoring a robbery while drawing up plays

They're so invested in making their points that they don't notice when a man walks into the bar with a shotgun and robs the place. So they were out having drinks, diagramming football plays, and they were completely oblivious to a dude robbing the bar with a gun. That is an ultimate football guy story.

Pretending a player returning from injury is a 'free agent signing' is the ultimate sports radio caller move

It's my favorite sports radio caller when a guy comes back from injury and they're like, 'well, we don't have to do anything in the free agent signings because we basically get the best free agent back.' That's essentially what's happening with Blake Bortles.

Hulk Hogan's reinstatement to the Hall of Fame represents a 'one-in, one-out' policy for racism

But now that Papa John got in trouble for saying the N-word... In America, we have like a one-in, one-out policy for racism. So Papa John's racist now, and because he's in the club, Hulk Hogan is now out of the racism club.

Manny Pacquiao's late-career fights are depressing and sad to watch

He's still fighting. So that's pretty sad. I didn't realize that he was fighting until like a day before. An aging boxer, watching them is one of the saddest things you can do. You know when it's done, and everyone knows, and then they always hang on for a couple extra years, and you're like, let's just try to remember the good times, because this is depressing the fuck out of all of us.

Carmelo Anthony has staying power because he has the coolest basketball name ever

Have you guys heard the theory why he [Carmelo Anthony] has so much staying power? It's just because he has the coolest basketball name of all time. Like if his name was like John Brown, he would have been benched years ago.