Takes

Laser tag is a children's game and it's terrible for adults

Why were you playing laser tag as an adult? Laser tag sucks. It's a children's game. I guarantee you I've played more laser tag in the last five years than any of you guys... every laser tag, the guns don't work. You hit someone and it doesn't register.

Big game hunting and winter survival should be added as Winter Olympic sports

I do agree with big game hunting [as an Olympic sport], that would rock dudes. It's like you go out in the wilderness and then you just have to weigh like, how much bear did you come back with? The Olympic sport of just watching dudes in the middle of the woods who can start a fire faster. I'd watch that.

I would rather have the Eagles lose in the first round than miss the playoffs

I want to get a first round blowout so that next year could be Super Bowl... Preferably by the Bucs, but I don't think it is possible to play the Bucs in the first round.

The best way to surprise a girl with a proposal is to do a fake one at a sports game first

The surprise is already over because you already are planning it. ... The only way he could truly surprise you is doing it at a sports game... center court at a mid-tier college basketball game. ... He does a fake proposal to you at a sports game and then he's like 'piss you off! Just kidding!'

Rory McIlroy will get a performance boost from his recent divorce filing

Rory McElroy divorce bump... Scotty Scheffler baby bump. Rory McElroy divorce. Divorce bump... I think it might be Rory divorce bump.

I want Jim Harbaugh to be the next head coach of the Chicago Bears more than anything

I think I want [Jim] Harbaugh in Chicago more than anything I've ever wanted in my life.

Putting on deodorant before going to the gym is a sign that you are cheating on your partner

It's actually, if he were to put on deodorant before going to a gym... that would be a sign he's cheating on you. Be like, why are you putting on deodorant before you're going to get sweaty?

I never wash my hands after I piss

I never wash my hands after I piss. [Jake says he does it in public] You didn't have to tell us Jake. We knew that. ... You fell for it Jake. That's, and then you then you like eat then you go eat with those hands. Jake. No.

The best way to handle multiple ex-hookups trying to slide back in is to invite them all to the same birthday party

You just gotta invite 'em all and see who hangs around the longest. It's kinda like in the reunion episodes of Love is Blind when they just get everybody in a bar together and get 'em drunk. They all just start fighting and one person will eventually go home with a person.

You should never send a meme to a person you are in a relationship with

I think it's more of a red flag that he's sending memes to you. You don't send memes to somebody that you're in a relationship with. You steal the memes and then you verbally tell them to them when you're out to dinner so you sound funny.

A scientific study proves that squirting is actually just pee

There was a study done on squirting where they hook an MRI machine up to someone's bladder... and the bladder's empty. Wait. So it's piss. It came from the bladder.

A twenty-four pack of beer is the appropriate amount for a beach day because it helps regulate your body temperature.

Twenty-four is a pretty good number because you're hot out there... regulating your body temperature. You could actually put yourself in danger if you don't drink enough.

Snapchat will eventually be used to blackmail future politicians

I think Snapchat is going to have a huge blackmail on future politicians... You have a bunch of dumb 14-year-olds and teenagers and stuff, and then in the future they might be important people and there's a whole cloud of data... I think there will be a scandal that happens in the next 20 years where a Comcast or a major internet service provider just gets hacked or they release a bunch of documents and it's just everybody's search history and internet history.

If your boyfriend switches from playing quarterback to wide receiver in college, you should dump him immediately.

How long do I have to wait to dump him without it being obvious it's not about him being a quarterback anymore? Do it now. Do it now. Because you know what? You don't actually love him. He said he's a wide receiver, but he's really just going to get in on a couple of random special teams plays.

Guys who work out too much are almost always bad at sports

Guys who work out too much suck at sports. ... Muscle-bound, mostly true. ... He says that guys who are jacked are bad at sports and that's the reason they work out. Is there any truth to this? Yes. Yeah. Well guys we work out too much suck at sports. [They] can't shoot the basketball.

Putting an Under Armour logo on a kilt would make men willing to wear dresses

Somebody just needs to invent... If you slap an Under Armour logo onto a kilt or onto just any sort of nice, flowy, long skirt, you can make a dude wear anything. You're just like, this is a sport performance kilt. A guy will wear a dress. It's a golfing kilt.

The butt is the easiest hole to get any disease through

I think the—let's be honest—the butt is the easiest hole to get any disease through. Yeah, I would say stay away from that if you're trying to fuck around with someone who's got Corona. All holes no go.

It is 'kind of hot' to be physically outmatched and 'worked' by your girlfriend in a wrestling match

I beat [my boyfriend] wrestling... can I keep dating him knowing that I alpha'd him? [Big Cat]: He's your sex life now. I'll say it, that's kind of hot. You just get fucking worked by your girlfriend... it was hot when there was a second where I was like, 'Am I going to lose this?'

I always thought Nick Foles was going to be a huge bust in Jacksonville

To be completely honest, my excitement about the Nick Foles era was completely fake. It was fake. I thought that he was going to be a bust. I thought that he was going to be a huge bust in Jacksonville where everything was perfect for him in the Eagle system.

69 is a seventh-date move

69 is a seven date move also... Seventh date. Let's do a 69. But it's going to be 69 with a caveat that she's on top because she's not ready for my butthole by eight.

Peeing in a pool is safer than getting out because it prevents slip-and-fall accidents

You're more likely to injure yourself getting out of a pool and getting back in than you are if you just stay in the pool and pee. If you walk through the house after being in a pool, you're creating an enormous slip and fall hazard... you're basically putting a gun to their head. So pee in that pool.

Bill Simmons genuinely wants to stop the union at The Ringer

There's a part of me that thinks that what Dave was doing part edge stick today is exactly what Bill Simmons wants to do for real. Bill Simmons lucked into this day because holy shit.

Nursing school graduation is a second-tier event that doesn't require a video recording

Should I be mad at my boyfriend for not videoing me walk across the stage at my nursing school graduation? No. Nursing school, that means it's probably your second graduation, right? So you probably already had a degree. Maybe if you were a doctor [it would matter].

Smelling your own farts is a valid form of medical self-care

When I'm smelling my fart, I'm actually... I am going to the doctor. Because, like, you know. You know when you're sick or something's not right. You can tell, basically, by your fart. So, if you care about self-care... you just let me smell my own farts.

I will get a tattoo of Blake Bortles' face if the Jaguars win the Super Bowl

I proclaimed tonight that if you win the Super Bowl, I will get a tattoo of your face somewhere on my body. Wrist, preferably.

My rule for peeing is that the closest hole available gets the pee

My rule of thumb here is closest hole gets the pee. So whatever hole is closest to you at that moment, you pee right into it.

Road trip snacks like beef jerky and Mountain Dew are superior aphrodisiacs to oysters

Road trip food is the natural aphrodisiac. Get oysters the hell out of here. Give me like that weird salted trail [mix], maybe some Twizzlers, Slim Jims. ... If I smell, when [a woman] walks to the door with a cracker crust peanut butter combo on her breath, I know it's on.

If a woman has sex with a man once, he will be willing to have sex with her again at any point for the rest of his life

Basically, if you're a girl and you have sex with a guy, at any point for the rest of your life, if you're in the same room as him, you can be like, you want to fuck and he will want to fuck you.

Rihanna's weight is the business of sports bloggers because she is part of their 'ecosystem' of content

Nowadays, the new hunting for guys is sitting behind computers and blogging about stuff... If you want us to take Rihanna's picture out of the ecosystem that's basically like committing a mass extinction on all the buffalo in the plains. Now we can't go out there and provide for our families. I think the real story here is about the plight of the sports bloggers.