Takes

Once the Lakers get to the playoffs, it will be Carmelo Anthony's team, not LeBron James'

I'm also rooting for the takes to start flying because when you have that many guys on a team, it's no longer LeBron James' team. I think once they get to the playoffs, it's Mello time, baby.

Alex Caruso is a top-five player in the Eastern Conference

Caruso is legitimately, I think, now a top five player in the East.

Olympic fencing should use sharper swords to make it more dangerous

I think they should have sharper swords and fencing. Like give me an element of danger. It should be death, death, death, but like maiming.

I could medal in pole vaulting if I trained for four years

I will go with pole vaulting. You just run, stick the stick... All you got to do is run straight and get the timing down. I'm going to be jacked by August.

I could medal in Olympic ski jumping by just going 'full send' once

I'm going to go with ski jumping. I'll just bomb it once and just go full send... and just land and crash and I'll have the longest one. ... I can stand perfectly still for about 10 seconds while I'm going downhill... and then you just do like one of those little springs at the last second.

Cleaning your ass with a showerhead and a towel is a valid solution when you run out of TP while moving

I sat down and started taking a shit and realized there was no toilet paper. And so I just took a shower... I didn't have anything. I just literally got in the shower or like wipe my ass and then got out... I used the towel and I threw away the towel.

The Houston Texans might not even play the upcoming NFL season.

I wouldn't be shocked if the Texans were like, we're not doing this season... we might've reported that the Texans won't play the season like three months ago. It's exclusive. They're going to stink a lot.

Olympic drug testing will expose golfers with suspicious size increases

The Olympics are coming up around the corner... guess what sport is also in the Olympics and they're starting to do the eligibility for? Golf. So you know, if you see any like discrepancies in people's drive [and] their size compared to their size maybe two years ago... They don't drug test in the PGA. [The IOC tests] are pretty hard.

The logic of Scientology makes the most sense compared to other religions

Scientology is a way to answer questions. Religion is a way of answering questions. Before any of them start extorting you for money and then they all become frauds, Scientology makes the most sense.

The Waterdogs need to hire Mike Vick as their coach

I think we should contact Mike Vick about coaching the Waterdogs because it's gotten to that point. Yeah. It's gotten to that point. I'm okay with that. I hate this team. I want to make them earn their dog.

Cam Payne's injury changed the whole flow of the Suns vs. Clippers series

Campaign did get hurt. He only played four minutes. That changes the whole series. You can confidently say there's no excuses left on the table. The Clippers are without their best guy, Kawhi. The Suns are without their best guy, Campaign.

College schools will soon use server farms to mine crypto for recruits

Schools are allowed to provide as many education-related expenses as they want to players. ... You could, in theory, provide an athlete with an entire dorm room filled with servers for them to mine cryptocurrency in that dorm room. ... LSU could be like, hey, we're going to build a new dorm called the Arch Manning Dormitory. ... you can just generate money for yourself while you're here.

I will move the Waterdogs if they go on a two-game losing streak

If we go on a two-game losing streak at any point, we're going to move the team. We're moving it... we'll fucking do anything. We'll stop paying the players if we have to make them play better.

The Houston Astros weren't just banging on garbage cans—they were using NASA technology

If the Astros got this technology from NASA that was going to steal these signs and relay them to the dugout on internet wifi... believe me guys, they wouldn't be banging on a garbage drum and give the hitter signal. It had to be very high-tech guys.

The Nets could win the title if every starter had to score the exact same amount of points every game

I really think they could do it... they're all running plays for Joe Harris in the third quarter. I think they could probably do that. That's how good they are.

Arch Manning is already the best Manning to ever play football

That ball flip was sick, though, wasn't it? When he did the pump fake, and then he flipped it. I think he's already better. I think he's already the best Manning to ever play football.

The NBA is a 'sick league' where stars care more about movies than winning

The best player in the world [LeBron James] is walking off the court with 15 minutes left in the game like an asshole. And nobody says a word to him. And then he talks about his fucking cartoon movie after the game. Imagine being on that team. You just lost after being champions and talking about the Monstars.

The Lakers 2020 Bubble championship simply didn't happen

I think we can all agree that just didn't happen. It doesn't. Yeah. The bubbled never. That's not basketball. Yeah. No fans around.

The USA is officially the best soccer country in the world because Christian Pulisic won the Champions League

The best player in the world played on the best team in the world... the best player on the best club team is American. Therefore, the USA is the best soccer country in the entire world.

Luka Doncic is actually several years older than the Mavericks claim

I think Luka's older than we think he is... I think it's a Danny Almonte, Alfonso Soriano thing. I don't think Luka's 22 years old. I think Luka's probably 27, 28 years old. If you're a player that's not born in the United States and you come over, there's a lot of paperwork that can get either lost or changed very easily.

The 2021 Brooklyn Nets are the greatest team ever assembled

The Nets look like the greatest team ever assembled tonight... Ever... No hyperbole.

Colorado is a Southern team because it is south of the Canadian border

Based on the North American scale, Colorado is considered Southern. No, he's saying in the middle of the country, not North America. You're saying North America? I meant all the teams in play, they're one of the southern teams. Anything south of the Canadian border is southern.

I could shoot the same score in the PGA Championship playing left-handed

What would you shoot if you had to play the PGA Championship left-handed? [Koepka]: Probably the same as I would right-handed, honestly. ... I have no idea. I just know just swing as hard as you can from the other side of the ball.

My performance at the Masters was one of the most heroic things ever done

And I started talking about how heroic it was [playing the Masters injured], and people took great umbrage with that comment... You agree. [Koepka]: I couldn't have agreed anymore. Absolutely. I mean, it might have been one of the most heroic things ever done.

I would give up an arm in exchange for a Super Bowl victory in Detroit.

I might end up losing an arm because of it [a pet lion], but that would be even better. [Big Cat: If I said Dan Campbell, you are going to win a Super Bowl in Detroit?] One arm. Yes. There it is.

I would defeat a King Cobra in a fight by letting it bite me and then strangling it.

I would simply let it bite me. And then after it was latched on, then you just strangle it. And hope it doesn't kill you... if you kill the cobra first, but you die after, you still win.

Real men get three vaccine shots

I was at the doctor. I was getting my third vaccine shot. Oh, nice. Better safe than sorry. Yeah, I'm great. Like I said, I'm triple vaxxed up. Nothing could go wrong. Real men get three.

Tim Tebow has a 0% chance of making the Jaguars roster

Zero [percent chance]. Zero. I'd go even lower if I could go.

Medina Spirit is a junkie horse

I put the blame on the horse. You can't just make excuses. The horse likes doing drugs, obviously. As our 45th president called it, it's a junkie horse.

Healthy workplaces should allow fighting to increase productivity

I think that healthy workplaces should allow fighting. Like if you get into a fight, if you know that fisticuffs are on the table and you can fight in the first 30 minutes of your Workday, you'll probably end up having more productive day after that, you're going to get all your frustration out.

Swimming is not a real sport, it is just a hobby to stay alive

I'll just say it. Swimming is not a real sport... It's a really good hobby. If you do it really fast, I'm not saying Michael Phelps isn't impressive. I'm saying swimming is not a sport... It's just a means of staying alive that you can be more efficient at.

Aaron Rodgers should go on a public hunger strike to get traded

Aaron Rodgers, I know you listen to the show... do a public hunger strike. Have a live cam on you, do a stream and prove that you're not going to eat anything until either they fire this guy [Gutenkunst] or you get traded to whatever. If anybody's the type of personality to try doing like a Gandhi technique, it's Aaron Rodgers.

Justin Fields is better than Aaron Rodgers

I don't fucking care. Justin Fields is a better quarterback than Aaron Rodgers anyway.

Mac Jones is the 'Coach Killer' of the 2021 draft for Kyle Shanahan

It is Mac Jones because – It is, from what we've heard, Kyle Shanahan versus the personnel department in San Francisco... If Mac Jones does not turn out and Trey Lance and or Justin Fields turns out to be a very good player, we could be witnessing the beginning of the end to Kyle Shanahan.

Joel Embiid's missed full-court heave against the Suns is the best shot in NBA history.

I don't care that it didn't go in. I think that is the best shot... that's the best shot in NBA history. ... The process of that shot, I'm not going to base whether or not it was a good shot off if it went in. ... The most incredible thing I've ever seen on a basketball court.

I would literally kill Jake Paul in a boxing ring

Jake Paul's 5'7"? If I got into a ring with him, I'd literally kill him... I'm just bad enough of a boxer that he'd take the fight because he's like, oh, this guy looks big, but he's not that good of a boxer. So he like I might beat him.

Penei Sewell is not a surefire Hall of Famer and I would take several 2020 tackles over him

I think Penei Sewell is a really good player, but I don't think he's kind of the Hall of Fame level player that he's been described as. I'm a little bit on an island from a media standpoint, but I know there's a lot of teams that feel that way. I like him. I like Slater better than him... the top three tackles last year for me were Becton, Wirfs, and Wills. Those three guys, I would take them over Penei.

Hideki Matsuyama should serve blowfish liver at the Champions Dinner next year

If I'm Hideki, I serve blowfish liver and let the chips fall where they may maybe thin out the field a little bit. See who gets poisoned.

Brooks Koepka playing the Masters on one leg is the most heroic thing ever

Brooks is playing on basically one leg. It's probably the most heroic thing I've ever seen in any sport ever. And again, we're not making excuses. We're not biased. We're stating facts. This is like Willis Reed. This is Kirk Gibson.

More than 80% of Major League pitchers doctor the baseball in some way

What percentage of non-athletics pitchers in general do you think are doctoring the ball in some way, shape, or form? I would say probably somewhere in the north of 80%... In terms of guys that just like that would use pine tar or something of that nature.

The Suez Canal ship will be bombed if it is not fixed within a week

Eventually they're just gonna have to blow it up. Eventually someone's gonna launch a missile at it. Take it apart piece by piece. They're gonna drop a bomb on it if it's not fixed within a week. That's my prediction.

A rival cereal company planted shrimp in Jensen Karp's cereal to change the narrative

This could be a case of, I don't know, maybe a rival cereal company seeing that Cinnamon Toast Crunch was getting all that shine last week. They go into Costco in the dead of night with a box cutter and some tape and a couple of shrimp tails, and they just try to get the story out there to change the narrative.

Buddy Boeheim should be the #1 pick for the Houston Rockets and will be a 10-time NBA All-Star

Buddy Boeheim would be my number one pick if I were the Houston Rockets. Buddy Boeheim, dude, he can't miss. He's shooting 55% from three... I'm telling you, he is going to be a 10-time All-Star in the NBA.

The Chicago Cubs prospect Jesus Camargo was likely a front for a drug cartel

Jesus Camargo was arrested after police found 21 pounds of meth in his team equipment bag... Is this something that's an organizational thing where he was assigned to do that? I wouldn't put it past Ricketts to make money any which way. It would not shock me. It'd actually be good for baseball if the Chicago Cubs were just straight up like the Juarez cartel.

A Gonzaga national title counts as a victory for the Big Ten because of Jalen Suggs

Gonzaga's best player, Jalen Suggs, where's he from? Minnesota. That's a Big Ten win if Gonzaga wins. This is Richard Pitino's fault for not keeping him in state. He's a football player, he's the most Big Ten player that's ever not played in the Big Ten. I am officially a Gonzaga fan because they are part of the Big Ten.

Bill Belichick is the only person who can convince Jack Easterby to trade Deshaun Watson

The second that that Russell Wilson put the New York Jets on his hypothetical list... something different is happening... Bill Belichick could exert influence and like do mind control shit on Jack Easterby. And he's probably the only person in the NFL that could convince him to change his mind and deal Deshaun [Watson]... if Bill agreed to finance a megachurch with Jack Easterby's name on it in Houston, Texas... I guarantee you Jack Easterby makes that deal right now.

Trevor Lawrence is just a 6'6" version of Tate Martell who has kept a 'mirage' going.

My take about Trevor Lawrence is that he is basically Tate Martell. But since he's taller, because Tate Martell undefeated in high school, greatest quarterback recruit ever, the only difference is Trevor Lawrence is 6'6", not 5'11", and he's been able to keep the mirage up.

Ted Lasso could coach the Jets to a 10-6 record

You can't convince me that Ted Lasso couldn't take the Jets to 10-6.

Peak Julius Randle is better than peak Chris Bosh

I kind of agree with that [the viral tweet]. Big J. Oh, he said at his peak, was Chris Bosh ever as good as Julius Randle? ... Drunk with power, which I am. I kind of agree with that.

Max Homa should be cancelled for not wearing red and black in honor of Tiger Woods

We have a stay classy for our guy, Max Homa, who did not wear red on Sunday in honor of Tiger Woods. Shame. Who does he think he is? ... Max, you're cancelled.