Takes

I'm going to corner the market on Lou Dort Top Shots and get rich when he wins MVP

My entire investment strategy is to corner the market on Lou Dort. Okay. So I'm putting everyone in the Dortcher chamber. We're going to buy all the Lou Dort, and then when Lou Dort wins MVP, everyone's going to be like, where are all the Lou Dort top shots?

I can beat up any 10-year-old in the entire world

I think that I could beat up any 10-year-old in the country. Probably the world. I don't think that there's a 10-year-old in the world whose ass I couldn't kill... Pre-puberty, I could defeat any 10-year-old in the world.

I am either going to prison or becoming a billionaire because of Pi Network

Either I'm going to go to jail because this is all illegal, which I don't think it is, or I'm going to make a ton of money. It's speculative value. Either I'm going to go to prison or be a billionaire.

Kyle Trask is Kirk Cousins with Tom Brady upside

I'm working on Kyle Trask right now... I'm thinking Kirk Cousins... That's a mid-level. Tom Brady upside.

Trevor Lawrence gives off Paxton Lynch vibes and could be a bust

Trevor Lawrence kind of gives me Paxton Lynch vibes... Your best case scenario with Trevor Lawrence is Tom Brady. Your worst case scenario is Paxton Lynch... His throwing motion reminds me a lot of Paxton Lynch's... they kind of like are built the same.

I am 100% confident I could beat up Darren Rovell

Listen, I'm going to beat the shit out of Darren Rovell. If you were to ask me, name one person in the world that I'm confident that I could beat up, it's Darren Rovell. I don't think anybody in the world couldn't kick Darren Rovell's ass.

The Vince Lombardi Trophy should be renamed the Tom Brady Trophy

Vince Lombardi only won one. You're so greedy, Hank. It's true. He won one trophy. He won one Vince Lombardi trophy. Tom Brady's won seven. Like, come on. ... It's a crime that the championship trophy isn't named after Tom Brady.

Everyone in their mid-30s should be on steroids/testosterone therapy

I think everyone should use it at our age, for sure. ... Recommended by doctors with a prescription. That's how you should be using it.

Alex Rodriguez is a piece of shit and a liar

A-Rod, you know what I'm talking about, you piece of shit. ... He's a scumbag. I don't like that. He was cheating on Jennifer Lopez. ... I was there when it happened.

OJ Simpson's son committed the murders, not OJ

I don't think OJ did it. ... I think it was his son. ... I saw a TikTok.

I am going to 'skull fuck' Jose Canseco with my fists

My hot seat is Jose Canseco. I'm going to skull fuck him with my fists.

I would fight Jay Mariotti for charity at the United Center

Jay Mariotti. He went after me so bad... I told him, I said, let's go to United Center for three rounds. You pick to put the money in, whoever wins. You give the money to charity. It's still on. If I want to do that, if I want to do charity in Chicago, I don't mind.

Blockbuster stock is going to make me a millionaire

Blockbuster, bro. It was one cent when I talked about it last time. It is now seven cents. What? Let's go. I called it. Billy is a Blockbuster millionaire.

Six people can fit in a whale's vagina

Wales, you can fit six people in a Wales [whale's] vagina. Sick.

I would 100% beat the shit out of Jake Paul in a boxing match

By the way, I'd 100% beat the shit out of Jake Paul. He wouldn't touch me. They'll never fight me because I actually would beat them. They only choose guys they know they can strategically win with reach.

The only way to beat the Chiefs is to assault them with deadly weapons

The only way to beat the Chiefs is to actually assault them all with deadly weapons. Someone needs to die. And until that happens, I don't see how the Bucs beat them.

I am going to kick Jose Canseco's ass

I'm going to fucking kick his ass... I'm going to fuck him up. No, yeah, you are. Dude, I've hit the point in my athlete-to-weapon transition where it's like, the only way to win and to get this guy to stop punching me is I have to punch him harder to make him quit.

Josh Allen is better than Patrick Mahomes right now

Josh Allen... He's legitimately playing the best football right now. So, you know, I'm sure some people – I might take him over almost anybody but Aaron [Rodgers]. I might take him over Mahomes right now in this moment.

The NFL should let Bill Belichick or Nick Saban coach the Browns for their playoff game

The real solution, and I'm being dead serious on this: they should just be like, 'Bill Belichick can coach the Browns this week.' Wouldn't that be the greatest entertainment to be like, 'Okay, let's see how great of a coach you are, Belichick.' You show up, five days to prep the team. Browns fans would absolutely take it.

UConn is the real 2020 National Champion for opting out of the season

My Hot Seat is Alabama and Ohio State. They're playing in the national championship on Monday, but they aren't the national champions... the University of Connecticut, because they were the first football subdivision team to squarely face the coronavirus and decided against playing a single snap during a raging pandemic, should be our 2020-21 national champ. They are the real champions.

I was incredibly sober during my peyote trip with a mountain lion

And I'd gone off on a sunrise walk with this gentleman and he was... slowly disseminating the payoti... when I got back down on the property, there was this, he had this mountain life in his cage... I get confident that me in this mountain lion are on the same frequency... The great thing about peyote had done the right way. No, I don't look back on that at all. I look back on that and go it. If anything, have you looked through the book there's times I've taken, what would be considered risk that absolutely paid off... I would say I was incredibly sober.

There is a 0% chance of beating a team if their coach smashes a watermelon before the game

I can't be—I'm 0 and 2 in watermelon games. I bet way too much on watermelons. I hate these watermelon games. I've lost so much money to the fucking watermelons. I cannot—there's a 0% chance of beating a watermelon team.

Trevor Lawrence won too much in college to be a successful NFL quarterback

I don't think Trevor Lawrence is going to be good... he's won too much in college. He's not going to be used to coming into a losing environment and having to deal with all the pressures that come along with having to deal with defeat all the time. I think he's sort of going to be like, 'Oh shit' type moment where you realize that this isn't Clemson.

Jake Paul is a fraud and is scared to fight me

He is scared to fight you. That's what I heard. That's not a rumor. That's a fact. He texted Billy and it was like, I'm scared. Anyway. One step closer to me beat his ass. She's a fraud.

Throwing a shoe should be legal in college football

I actually agree with [Dan Mullen] in a weird way... why can't you throw a shoe? Explain that to me. First of all, it was not a taunting thing. It was excitement... you should be allowed to throw your opponent's shoes. If they're already off, you should be allowed to throw the shoe as far as you want.

Coach K is the biggest front-running fraud of all time

Coach K is the biggest front-running fraud of all time. Not to brag, but we called it. It was a one game. Hank, they lost to Michigan State. They got killed by Illinois. And then Coach K said, we got to reassess and start really thinking about this COVID thing.

Greg Williams called the cover zero blitz on purpose to spite Adam Gase

I think he did it on purpose based on the fact that he and Adam Gase just don't get along. ... The only way you lose that game is to make the call that Greg Williams made. And I just think that Greg wanted Adam Gase to wear 0-16 on his resume.

I would rock Jake Paul's shit because I have fewer commitments than anyone else

I legitimately have the least amount of commitments out of the whole company at this moment... I also like to work out and have endured a good amount of head trauma, which make me suitable for boxing... I would make him think I was easily beatable, but I would rock his shit.

The Packers lost the game because they allowed David Montgomery to have a 57-yard run

David Montgomery ripped off a run that the Bears haven't had that type of run in like five years... Everyone stops David Montgomery, and the Packers couldn't, so you do the math... The Packers lost this game if you just go off that which is what I'm gonna go off.

If I were guarding Tyreek Hill one-on-one, he would have zero catches and zero yards

No, no, no. You can't even ask me that. I'm primed. He doesn't beat you deep. Tyreek Hill, zero catches, zero yards. I got three jackets in the closet, and I didn't buy either of them.

I would fuck up Jake Paul in a fight 100%

I will fuck up Jake Paul 100%. He's small. He's 5'7 at the tallest. I looked at a picture of him next to Dave Portnoy, and they were the exact same height... I have a bigger reach than Jake Paul. I would totally be able to pick him out from the outside.

I benched 315 pounds for three reps today just messing around

Fucking put the microphone down. I put up 315 three times today fucking around. Get back to me in a couple years.

I would draft a punter first overall as an NFL GM

If I were a GM for an NFL franchise, I think I would draft a punter first overall. Because these punters, like when Johnny Hecker does his thing for the Rams... That's how you make up for being an inferior team.

I will get a tattoo of Drew Brees' touchdown total if he wins the Super Bowl

I have to get a tattoo if Drew Brees wins the Super Bowl... No, I said that if Drew Brees wins the Super Bowl, I'll get a tattoo of whatever number of touchdowns he ends up with.

Tom Brady has 'sundowning' dementia and can't play well at night

Is there a chance Tom Brady just too old to play at night? ...another telltale sign of dementia is called sundowning where the closer that it gets to dusk the lower capacity our brain functions at... I do believe that Tom Brady battling through his dementia is better in the one o'clock time slot.

The Saints could destroy the NFL's monopoly by suing over salary cap interference

If the Saints sue the NFL being like, 'Hey, you're interfering with the free market. We should be able to pay people whatever we want.' Then that case goes to like the Supreme Court. NFL loses its monopoly. The Saints could blow up the NFL if they want.

Matt Nagy has an extremely low football IQ

I feel bad for Matt Nagy because in his head he was doing something insanely smart... So that is something that a smart person would do. So his idea of what a smart person is is so far from actually being what a smart person really is. That I don't think it's his fault. I think he's I think he's just got extremely low IQ.

DK Metcalf is the fastest human being to ever step foot on grass

DK Metcalf is the fastest human being alive. Like I—he's very fast but he's not faster than Usain Bolt, but I think he might be... [Metcalf] is the fastest human being to ever step foot on grass.

John Wall playing cards during an interview is more disrespectful than what Jeffrey Toobin did

I don't know that I agree with that because I think that when he [John Wall] know I don't... he was saying that the two guys that were doing the interview? I'm gonna fucking beat you guys and I can do what I want... jacking off on a zoom call work bad got moderately bad playing Spades during an interview with field Yates. Death penalty.

Clayton Kershaw is the greatest postseason pitcher of all time

Clayton Kershaw has the most wins in my book of any starter in the last 25 years since the wild card came around. So yeah, he's he might be the best postseason pitcher out there of all time.

Adam Gase's ability to stay employed is commendable

I actually am going to zag on everyone and say like I I applaud Adam gase for getting this far in life. Yeah, it's incredible what he has done... It is a great lesson for everyone out there get yourself next to someone great and have everyone else think that you had something to do with it. And you're set for life.

Peyton Manning is definitely using HGH

Billy football spotted that he's got the Omaha Beach... Omaha Beach nipples... possible HGH. ... He's obviously taking always multiple nipples like a pig. ... Definitely juicing, definitely realizing I feel like a lot of retired guys just start juicing because they could never do it during their career.

DK Metcalf is like Calvin Johnson and Jerry Rice combined

DK Metcalf? Buy. I mean, the guy's Calvin Johnson and Jerry Rice combined and he's starting to become fully aware of what he can do.

LeBron James is the second-best player to be born in Akron, Ohio

[LeBron] is the second best player to be born in Akron, Ohio behind Steph Curry, correct? That's our compliments of LeBron.

The Lakers might be better without LeBron James based on his plus-minus

LeBron James -2. We're not cherry-picking that, that's an actual stat. Are the Lakers better without LeBron? That's what many are asking. I don't know, if you put in Rondo instead of LeBron, he's a +8, they probably win by a hundred.

Asteroids are frauds and won't actually hit Earth

Asteroids do something, they're all talk no walk... Asteroids you're on my shit list and you're frauds. If it shows up to Earth it will probably fuck me up but you're frauds.

Undecided voters deserve to be pushed off a building

If you're an undecided voter you deserve to be pushed off a building. If you don't know who you're going to vote for, do they exist? If you're an undecided voter tweet at us because I'm so interested in how you put on a hat in the morning without giving yourself a concussion.

Erik Spoelstra is the only reason LeBron James won championships in Miami

Spoelstra's a very good coach. Honestly I'm a huge advocate of Spoelstra and he's the only reason that LeBron James ever won those championships in Miami in the first place.

I will cut off the tip of my pinky if the Houston Texans win the Super Bowl this year

If the Houston Texans win the Super Bowl this year, I will cut off from the nail up tip of my pinky left hand. It's on.

The Las Vegas Raiders' new stadium is the most erotic stadium ever built

I want to fuck The Las Vegas Raiders new stadium... I want to fuck it is the most erotic stadium that I've ever seen almost it almost looks better with no fans... that thing is sexy as shit, and I want to fucking fuck it.