Takes

Kyle Shanahan has a psychological issue with holding 4th quarter leads in big games

Kyle Shanahan now... there's enough evidence out there to say something is up with Kyle Shanahan late in games. So the last four times... where a team has blown a double digit lead in the fourth quarter, Kyle Shanahan has been part of three out of four of those... something happens. He panicked.

SEC stadiums are louder than NFL stadiums

Joe Burrow, mid controversial statement of saying SEC stadiums louder than NFL stadium... which was now brought up by an NFL veteran who thought that it was quite good.

Tom Brady has as many NFC playoff wins as Aaron Rodgers

Tom Brady... has just as many NFC playoff wins [as Aaron Rodgers].

The Rams are the first team ever to play a Super Bowl in their own home stadium

This could be the first Superbowl ever slayed by a team in its own home stadium. It's the Rams. Make it to the Superbowl. It's never been done before.

Modern science and HGH allowed Cam Akers to return from an Achilles tear in five months

Dude, I don't know what these guys are doing nowadays, but modern science has down to a T. HGH... So you think Cam Akers is today HGH? Got it. Okay. But it was really impressive watching him be able to, he had that burst.

COVID-19 causes the human spine to compress and makes you lose height

I used to be five nine, but then I got COVID now I'm five eight. Does it to your spine or does it compresses it... stay safe, I hope that you're vaccinated.

Tom Brady is 0-5 against the spread against the NFC East in the playoffs

The stat that I have that backs that up is Tom Brady has owned five against the spread against the NFC east in the playoffs. So his own five, he's got he's two and three straight up.

I thought my 4th quarter fumble against Alabama was an incomplete pass

Whenever I thought it was going to be like intentional grounding the whole time, because it didn't, it didn't go past the line of scrimmage. I didn't think it was a fumble until they said it was a fumble after they reviewed it. I guess it was one of those things. It was so close that whatever call was made on the field was going to stand.

Andrew Luck looks extremely happy and appears to have zero interest in returning to football

Andrew luck shows up out of nowhere... and he looked like he's lost about 70 pounds. My God, I actually don't think that Andrew luck has picked up a football in the last three years. And he looks really happy.

James Gunn maintains a 'no asshole' rule on his film sets

[James Gunn] also has a no asshole [rule]. And he puts together teams of people who there's not a bad apple in the bunch... I knew I was going to be surrounded by good people.

TJ Watt is definitively the best defensive player in football

For anybody who's been watching the NFL this year or the past three years... the best defensive player in football has been TJ watt. It's a fact.

The elevator technicians union is one of the best and most lucrative trades to join

In the union's, there is elevator union. Biggest money can make one of the best unions there is. Wow. They like this guy's first year he'll he'll easily make probably 120 125 first year. I mean, you're talking about guys that that make over 200, 250 a year.

It's a law of the universe that long-haired quarterbacks don't win Super Bowls

It's not even really long hair curse. It's just a demonstrable fact that long hair quarterbacks have never won a Superbowl... It's a law of the universe.

I bet the Cowboys to win the Super Bowl at 10-1 odds

I made the biggest future bet I've ever made in my life at like noon today on the Cowboys to win the Superbowl, at ten to one.

Josh Allen is defying statistics by winning 13 out of 16 coin tosses

My hot seat is statistics and probability because Josh Allen has won 13 out of 16 coin tosses this season. That's wild... The probability of hitting nine straight is .1953. So Josh Allen is defying all the stats nerds.

Lamar Jackson should not have made the Pro Bowl over Joe Burrow and Josh Allen

Lamar Jackson should not have made the pro bowl. Lamar Jackson made the pro bowl over Joe burrow and Josh Allen. That's crazy to me. That's fucking crazy. Like by air, any statistical analysis, Josh Allen and Joe burrow have had better seasons, the Lamar Jackson

JNCO jeans are officially back in style

My cool throne is JNCOs. Yeah. And JNCOs are also back... there was a, a trend piece in the Wall Street Journal, you know, something's real cool when it's written about in the Wall Street Journal.

Josh Allen is the quarterback who gets screwed over most by the referees

Number one quarterback in the entire league [for coverage penalties bailing them out]... It's Aaron Rogers by a long shot. Last place in the entirely... Josh Allen it's Josh Allen gets fucked more than any other quarterback in the NFL. And Aaron Rogers gets bailed out all the time.

The Ravens are the most injured team of 2021

With Marlin Humphreys getting hurt last week and Lamar Jackson getting hurt this week, we don't know how long he's going to be out. You officially are the champions of most injured team of 2021. Like I said, you probably already had that crown, but this was like, this was the final piece of having Lamar Jackson getting hurt.

Robots can now reproduce

Cool throne is robots. They lost their virginity. Not much more that we need to explain there. Robots can reproduce now. They just released it. There was a scientific research experiment. There was a scientific green robots that created. It's a thing.

Breaking your ribs feels the same as being shot

You know, Rob Gronkowski is stealing more valor. He said that when he broke his ribs, he's never been shot before. But when he broke his ribs, he thought it was like how it feels to get shot.

A truly tough football team can run the ball, stop the run, and cover kicks

This is what defines a tough football team. A physically tough football team, from what I was taught from some guy named Bill [Belichick], a tough football team can run the ball, can stop the run and can cover kicks. What teams do that the best? Baltimore, Patriots, Tennessee.

The new Pardon My Take NFTs are unstealable and cannot be copied

But you yourself can own one of these NFTs, the auction starting soon and they can't be copied. These ones can not be copied. I went, it's going to take a little longer stress testing. These ones are going to be rock solid NFTs. These are unstealable. Don't even try it. Folks cannot steal the high security.

Magic Johnson doesn't physically write his own tweets

I found out that Magic Johnson does not physically do any of the tweets, which may explain some of it. It's articulated clearly across the room or while he's doing 17 other things as a titan of industry. And then there is a woman whose job is to figure out what he's talking about and make it a tweet.

Hollywood actors in Marvel movies use a 'Marvel doctor' for HGH

I want to be in [a Marvel movie] just so I can meet their 'doctor feel good'. I want an excuse to have Elvis' bag man come in and hook me up. Because my man, Kumail Nanjiani... I see him in Eternals. And I'm like, 'whatever's going on, I want some of that.'

The NFL covered up Aaron Rodgers ignoring COVID protocols for ratings

I'm pretty sure that the NFL, according to their own rules, should have suspended Aaron Rodgers. Should have fined him. And they're covering up the fact that he just ignored all the protocols because he's Aaron Rodgers and the rules don't apply to him. And they're like, 'You know what? We could have Aaron Rodgers sit out for multiple weeks, but I really like ratings.'

One fight and one interview is all I need for everyone to know me

I've always said I'll have one fight, I'll have one interview, and everyone will know the Baddy. And it's kind of true. It happened, lad. I saw it coming, lad, and I know it's going to continue that way.

The narrative that Lamar Jackson can't lead comebacks is officially dead

We got to officially bury a narrative. Lamar Jackson is now the king of the comebacks this year. ... Previously in his career, he was 0-6, went down two scores in the second half. He's now had three games this year where he's brought the Ravens back down from double digits. That narrative's dead.

The PIN to my ATM card has completely vanished from my brain after 15 years

I went to the ATM on Tuesday and went to punch in my pin, four-digit pin. I've had the same pin for probably 15 years. Fellas, it's just not in my brain anymore... There is no pin. I sat there. I typed in five different pins... Mrs. Cat doesn't know the pin? No pin.

The Buccaneers had no legal right to reclaim Tom Brady's 600th touchdown ball from the fan

I looked at the season ticket agreement. I looked at the general ticket agreement... there's nothing on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers tickets that would give them the right to go get it... I don't think they'd have a leg to stand on if it would end up in court.

Mike Evans had 'apparent authority' to give the football away, making the gift final

He has the apparent authority to scoop up a football on a touchdown he scored and hand it to a fan forever done over, no give backs, no take backs. Once that transfer is committed from the fan's perspective, that fan's got the right to assume that Mike Evans has the authority to surrender that football.

The Bengals have a top 10 defense in the NFL

They are a very, very good team and their defense is really fucking good. Like they are—now I would, I don't know, advanced stats and all that stuff, but just the eyeball test. I'm going to say they're a top 10 defense.

I could have been a great NFL linebacker at my peak

I believe I could have been a great linebacker. Oh yeah. Yeah. I think I would have, you know, I love Aaron Donald and he's probably my favorite player. So I watch a little bit because of this guy... I believe I could have been a great, you know, linebacker.

Aaron Rodgers still owns the Chicago Bears and it is soul-crushing

Aaron Rodgers owns my fucking life and I'm sick of it... He's 22-5 against the Bears. Rent-free doesn't begin to cut it... it sucks how much he owns the Bears.

Bill Belichick told me it's okay to criticize the Patriots in the media

[Belichick] goes, like, if you have to motherfuck us, you can motherfuck us. He was telling me to do my job. It felt like a mafia meeting. It was cool.

Arrowhead is the loudest stadium in the world because of me

I'm the one that helped bring two Guinness World Records for crowd noise, Arrowhead Stadium. It's the current Guinness World Record for crowd noise, 142.2 decibels. We're the loudest stadium, not only in the NFL, but the world. I brought that to Kansas City with my friends. I got Guinness. I got the Chiefs. I set it all up.

Bucking bulls are getting tougher and bred to buck harder

Bulls are getting tougher. It's just like the horse racing industry. They bred faster horses. They're breeding bulls to buck harder. And that's where we're finding a lack in actually getting more bull riders into the sport.

Zach Wilson's interceptions were caused by a groin injury.

The groin really impacts your ability to drive your hips into throws. Those last two interceptions were both just short arms, short throws that got picked off.

Officials changed how they called the game in the second half of the 2015 National Championship.

I'm pissed because the officials changed out. They called the game from first to second half... Coach K worked really hard... and they changed how they called the game and I will say that to my dying day.

A scientific study proves that squirting is actually just pee

There was a study done on squirting where they hook an MRI machine up to someone's bladder... and the bladder's empty. Wait. So it's piss. It came from the bladder.

Standalone primetime NFL games that look bad on paper are almost always guaranteed to be awesome

If anything we've learned with the NFL... when you have a game that you say to yourself, this game stinks, it's a standalone primetime game. It is almost always guaranteed to be fucking awesome. Because that game ruled.

Daniel Jones is the fastest player in the NFL

He's the fastest player in the NFL that's what next gen stats taught us last year he was faster than Lamar Jackson

The idea of huge halftime adjustments is a media-fabricated myth

The idea that there's this big revelation and we change everything at halftime is just completely media fabricated. [Peyton Manning] is like, yeah, the players, we go in, and by the time we get a drink of water, we're already going back out.

Whenever Mike Tomlin is an underdog, you must auto-bet on him

Remind me, I let my bias get the best of me, obviously, because I do want the Bills to do well, but remind me that any time Mike Tomlin's ever an underdog, we just need to auto-bet him because he is – that's just what he does.

The first person to live to 200 years old has already been born

They think the first person to live to 200 has already been born. There have been studies that have been done. No, Big Cat, you didn't read the studies that I read.

Gillie Da King could run a sub-5.0 second 40-yard dash

I think he could break a five-flat 40. I really do.

Mayonnaise makes the most moist chocolate cake

I had this chocolate cake once in Mississippi... Mayo. It's mayo. It makes the most moist chocolate cake you've ever had in your life.

Muhammad Ali is the most famous and most loved person on the planet

Muhammad Ali is the most famous and the most loved person on the planet. I'd want to know, I'd want to know how that happened.

Jake Paul used performance enhancing drugs for the Tyron Woodley fight

It came out that there was no drug testing for that fight. Jake Paul probably wrote it up. I didn't want to say anything, but in Caleb's interview you can see acne right around is like, just really bad. But what about his nipples? Anyone can see their ConEd.

Mac Jones is the most NFL-ready rookie quarterback right now

One thing that I've heard and I love this line of dialogue. People saying, you know what, Mac Jones, he's not going to be the best rookie quarterback, but he's the most NFL ready rookie quarterback right now.