Takes

Deshaun Watson is a disgusting human being who also happens to stink at quarterback

Either he is the victim of the biggest, most coordinated, most ruthless smear campaign against an individual maybe in the history of sports, or he's a disgusting human being who should be in jail. Either way he stinks at quarterback.

Starting Deshaun Watson now will ruin him because the Texans' offensive line is terrible

It's also the most perfect Houston Texans thing of all time to wait to play your good quarterback [Watson] right when the offensive line is at its absolute worst. Yeah, ruin your franchise quarterback. This is going to be perfect because it's almost like an inside job. The timing is a little bit too convenient. So what's going to happen is Deshaun's going to go out there, get fucking killed, and not look good, and then O'Brien's going to be like, I told you, you can't start a rookie.

Aaron Rodgers will retire sooner rather than later

I'm excited to see how long [Aaron Rodgers] can drag out this off season with his decision to retire or not. I actually think it's gonna be sooner rather than later. I think that he's probably gonna walk away.

Deshaun Watson has the worst contract in the history of sports

Deshaun Watson already had the worst contract in football, probably in history... It just further proves how horrifically awful the Deshaun Watson contract was.

Indiana winning at Oregon is the best college football win of the season

The Indiana win at Oregon I think is the single best win of the entire college football season. And I also think Oregon's getting dropped down too far in the polls after the fact, 'cause I think Indiana really is that good this year.

Jalen Brunson's foul baiting has made him hard to watch as a basketball fan

The foul baiting has gotten to a point where it's just hard to watch. And it's not just the foul baiting... the Knicks in this fourth quarter, they just go to straight iso ball foul baiting. No one else touches the ball. Jalen Brunson just trying to score. And it's bad basketball to watch.

The Cardinals will have a very good, fun-to-watch offense this season

I think the Cardinals' offense is going to be very good this year... I think they might be one of those really fun teams to watch. They might not win seven or eight games, but they give us some great red zone late witching hour moments.

JJ Watt should sign with Cleveland or Buffalo to achieve legendary status

Cleveland does, you know, we discussed it when he became a free agent. Like, that is the... franchise you can go to that will embrace him... If you're the final piece to bring a Super Bowl to [Cleveland or Buffalo], it's a totally different level than signing with the Titans or with the Packers.

NFL Draft prospects must understand they are CEOs of Fortune 500 companies

You've got to understand for the next, you know, four or five months, this is locked in time... You are going to be the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, essentially. I never looked at it that way. Of course, I see it completely different now, and that's the way you have to look at it. You are the head of a foundation, of an organization, and you can be for a long period of time.

I hope the Chiefs keep Kadarius Toney around just to watch him blow a playoff game

I also just enjoy, I'm, I hope they keep Kadarius Toney around for the playoff run. 'cause watching him blow a playoff game would be just,

Deshaun Watson will be suspended for the entire 2022 NFL season

I don't think that Deshaun Watson is going to play next year. The more I think about it, the more I think that Roger Goodell is going to step in and be like, that's me, Roger Goodell champion of women everywhere. And we're suspending Deshaun Watson next year. Holy fuck.

Dillinger was a better bull than Bodacious

I'd be a Dillinger guy. As far as what a guy would want to see out of a bucking bull as a rider, I think that Dillinger was a way better bull.

The Golden State Warriors offense works better without Steph Curry

Now I'm starting to hear reporters out West saying that the, that the Warriors function in like a more smooth offense. Now that Steph Curry's gone...

Being shot is preferable to watching Mike Mularkey coach the Jaguars

I would get shot 10 times again instead of going through 2011 Jaguars again.

Arnold Palmer was never actually a good golfer

I don't think Arnold Palmer was ever actually good. Have you seen that guy swing? Swings like my grandpa. I would kill that guy.

Adam Schefter will become the Ultimate Insider covering both NFL and NBA

Adam Schefter could be a candidate to replace Woj... In this scenario, Schefter would cover both the NFL and NBA as what a source called the Ultimate Insider... there's nothing you can do when someone says, Hey, you wanna be the ultimate insider?

Tom Brady is 'all class' for posting his $563,000 Patek Philippe watch before going into the broadcast booth

Tampa Bay Buccaneers legend Tom Brady... took to Instagram today to remind us that he's all class. Before hopping into the booth, he posted... big game, big watch. He hit us with the Patek Philippe Aquanaut. [It's worth] like 563,000. And this is just a casual before game like, Hey guys, stepping into the booth.

Links golf is never fun to watch

it just never seems fun. When I watch it, I'm like, what? This, the wind is always blowing. It's overcast. There's huge bunkers. It just doesn't seem fun.

Luka Dončić is already a better player than Dirk Nowitzki ever was

Jay Kidd said he was already better than Dirk, you know, he's 25 years old... they're already talking about he's better than Dirk and he ain't even won a [ring]... this is telling you how special this kid is. Like this man is a real problem and he's still not really in his prime.

The Pac-12 will finally be worth watching and exciting this season

In all seriousness, the Pac-12 will be worth watching... This is the first season in a long time, going into the season, I'm actually excited to watch Pac-12 basketball in a very long time.

The NCAA vacating titles is the dumbest penalty because you can't actually take away a title that people watched

Is this not the dumbest, most NCAA penalty? Just being like, yeah, all those memories don't exist anymore. [Louisville's] fans are just... Really, the only thing that it punishes Louisville in is that Kentucky fans can now say they didn't win that. But other than that, you can't just take away a title. That doesn't work.

Travis Hunter will be drafted as a cornerback and only used as a part-time 'spot' wide receiver in the NFL

I think when he gets drafted, [Hunter], they will draft him as a corner. And they would spot play him as a wide receiver. Because if he gets on a pro team, he can legitimately be your best corner, but he's probably gonna be your third best receiver.

Watching Super Bowl tape as motivation before a rematch is a bad move by Kyle Shanahan

Kyle Shanahan forced the team to watch the Super Bowl this week and said, I think everyone understands that we've lost two Super Bowls [to] them. So, I mean, that can give you a little post-traumatic stress when you turn on the tape. I don't know. I don't know if I like that. ... In what world does that improve morale? Zero. I I guess you could just hope that it's gonna piss 'em off.

Deshaun Watson has overcome too much in his past

I disagree with him [Johnny Fanta] about Deshaun. If there's a knock on Deshaun, he has overcome too much in his past.

Darren Rovell owns MLK and black history memorabilia just to turn a profit later

You own a piece of history that shows like when Martin Luther king was in jail... and you owned it to turn a profit one day, because that's what he does with all of his memorabilia.

I'm officially done with watching Desmond Ridder play football

I'm so sick of watching Desmond Ridder play football. I know he played well in the fourth quarter... but the interception, the fumble in the end zone, the missed pass to Bijon [Robinson] where it was a walk-in touchdown and he missed him. I'm just kind of done with watching him play football. We've had enough.

Kawhi Leonard is my favorite player to watch in the playoffs

Favorite player in the playoffs? To watch, like, Kawhi, probably.

The Patriots defense is never better without JJ Watt

When you have the best defensive player in the league, your defense is going to never be better without him.

Survivor is the most popular and broadly watched reality show of all time

The most popular reality show of all time and one that every single person has ever watched, Survivor. I mean, it's hard to go against. I've watched seasons and been like, this show's awesome.

Aaron Hernandez's lawyer should argue the murder was just a game of 'Fuck, Marry, Kill' that went too far

If you look at the facts surrounding that murder, right? He was with his fiancee... he was also with a friend who was a female... and then there was a guy that he killed. So it could have just been a game of 'Fuck, Marry, Kill' gone way out of hand.

Roger Goodell will go 'God mode' and prevent Deshaun Watson from playing even if he gets traded.

My prediction is that Roger Goodell is going to go God mode. He has that power to be like, 'You're not playing. You're never playing.' I'm putting you on my secret list... He is absolutely itching to just be like, 'I am your Lord. You are not allowed to play.'

The Jaguars might be a top-tier team after winning three games in a row

The Jags looked good. Their defense looked very good... credit to the Jags. Two games in London, one against the Bills, and then coming back home. They've won three in a row. They've righted the ship after that Chiefs/Texans double loss... the Jags might be good.

Playing in Houston, Boston, and New York takes a greater physical and mental toll on players than other cities

Games in Houston, Boston, New York, playing in the places like that, where you feel like the team's, the pressure's constantly on and the fans are on top of you and it's hot. Those take a little more outta you.

Winning three Heismans is a greater accomplishment than winning a national championship

Would you rather have a national championship or three Heismans? And a civil conflict. Easy. Three Heismans. I've won the Heisman every place I've gone, so that's a recruiting [pitch]. Like, hey, you want to win a Heisman? Come be with Coach Duggs because guess what? When he's up 30 points, he's still going to pad those stats.

Tony Dungy is a poor broadcaster who should stick to being the 'warden' of sports morality on Twitter rather than providing professional analysis.

I don't really need to hear Tony Dungy anymore. He's not good. ... You're in the booth. You're supposed to be assessing the game from a professional standpoint, right? So you shouldn't be going like Taylor Heineke's a 10-year starter in this league. That's for what that's what Twitter's for.

Portland is the #1 NBA city because the fans have nothing else to do except hike and watch basketball

I actually, along those same lines, I went Portland. Especially with the old Jailblazers. Those guys used to have a real good time out there. I think Portland has some of the best fans... That's because they're homeless, so they don't have anywhere else to go. No one in Portland has a job. They move around from bookstore to food truck to Trailblazers games.

The 'Player to be Named Later' in baseball trades is enticing because it sounds like they could be anyone, even a Hall of Famer

But the player to be named later, it sounds really enticing. It's like, that guy could be fucking awesome. Could be anyone. Yeah, could be a Hall of Famer.

Jabari Parker was benched because he started the mutiny against the Bulls' practice

Jabari Parker, he has been benched because, and this is, I mean, I have no sources to back me up except my own brain, but he was clearly the guy who started the mutiny, right? Because he didn't want to practice. He doesn't want to play defense.

The secret to life is being nice to everyone because you might need something from them later.

I think that's just the guide for life it's like just treat everybody nice because you never know what you're going to need from them later.

Bill Walton's 'WatchESPN' comment was a result of him doing acid in a forest

When Bill Walton says, 'Watch ESPN, I can watch you,' it's because he did acid in the forest and pulled up his Watch ESPN to watch UCLA versus USC, and was like, 'The game's watching me.'

The Vikings are a team to watch for trading up to draft a quarterback for the future

Another team that I would keep an eye on... Kirk Cousins' contract is done after this year... if the Vikings are looking for the future and one of these guys starts slipping past 10, past 11, past 12... maybe they move up and they go and make a move and get one of them. I wouldn't be shocked with that.

John Shire's blue sweater is bringing Hank back to being a Duke fan

I think John Shire's sweater is bringing Duke Hank's Duke fandom back... Duke fans are sitting at home looking at that. And they probably flew off the shelves.

Helen Keller was not actually deaf and could hear everything

She could hear everything. Yeah. She just couldn't speak or see... [Her parents] are tell some Tell Tales... Great commitment to the bit.

It is better to run trick plays as soon as they are ready rather than saving them for later

If you're gonna invest the time and the energy to install it [a trick play] and practice it on the field, then why wait? What could be another four weeks before you get actually get a chance to run it? You might as well capitalize on that opportunity right now.

Derek Jeter will be a successful executive if given five years to fix the Marlins, and I would not bet against him.

Give [Derek Jeter] five years before passing judgment because he walked into a very difficult situation. Here's a five-time world champion, a Hall of Famer—Jeter is going to be just fine. I would not bet against Mr. Jeter.

I am officially sick of the Zoom interface and never want to see it again

Fuck you to Zoom. Fuck Zoom. I am sick of Zoom. The first week it was cool... Now every time I see a Zoom on Hard Knocks, it's like I'm looking into a kaleidoscope of hell. I can't process it anymore. I'm sick of seeing that interface.

Professional golf has a major branding problem if the audience prefers watching other athletes play it over the actual pros.

You have a problem with your sport when people would rather watch people from other sports playing your sport. Yeah, the best people at your sport, and it was thrilling and awesome.

The Pro Bowl has reached a point where it is more fun to joke about than to actually watch

I think it's reached a point where it stinks so bad that it's more fun to joke about the Pro Bowl.

The Oscars are better without a host

No host is the future. Way better. No stupid gimmicks, you know, when they deliver pizzas or do the selfies or whatever the fuck happens when you run out of bits two hours into the Oscars.

Oregon will upset Wisconsin in the first round of the 2019 NCAA Tournament

Check out that Oregon-Wisconsin game, which is a one-and-a-half-point underdog for Oregon. Huge upset coming. I've been betting on them a bunch... I was basically putting Oregon in and going to sleep.