Takes

Jeff Fisher is a quarterback whisperer

Jeff Fisher is back in a big way because all of his quarterbacks are shining right now... Jared Goff just killing out in L.A... Number two is Case Keenum. Nick Foles playing well... He's a quarterback whisperer.

Wisconsin will beat Ohio State in the Big Ten Championship

I think Wisconsin could beat Ohio State. I really do. Halftime of the Michigan game, I was like, oh, fuck, but Wisconsin put it on them in the second half, and I was like, this defense can play with – hey, defense travels.

I want Wisconsin to play Alabama in the college football playoffs

We want Bama, baby. We want fucking Bama. I'm saying it right now. I want Bama.

The Miami Hurricanes are officially back

As a team, Miami is officially, officially back. Now, Hank said it last week. The U. But they are now back.

Wisconsin is only in the playoff hunt to eventually lose to Ohio State by 40

There's just a fat, slow lineman up north that's just like, hey, guys, can I come in? That's Wisconsin just waiting to get in. Waiting to lose to Ohio State by 40 with me in attendance.

Lefty quarterbacks suck at throwing the football

Horny Brook [Alex Hornibrook], there's something about him when he passes. He's terrible. He's got that weird left. He's a lefty. The way that he passes with his left hand just doesn't look natural. Lefties suck at throwing the football.

The Boston Celtics are officially back

My who's back of the week is the Boston Celtics. Oh, great. They won 12 in a row. They're in first place in the Eastern Conference.

The Miami Hurricanes are officially back

The U is back. They had the black jerseys, which was just unreal. Dominated Virginia Tech. And the fans... there was multiple incidents of fans fighting police, fans fighting each other. Police fighting fans. That's back. The U's got all their swagger back.

Lane Kiffin definitely knows the spread and plays to it

I've said this for many years, that Lane Kiffin is one of the only coaches that I will put my fucking life on it, that he knows the spread and plays to the spread. He used to do it at Tennessee, too, where he would go for two in random spots. I know Lane Kiffin knows the spread.

Robert Kraft is definitely a heavy emoji user in his text messages

Bob Kraft definitely uses emojis. Big time emoji guy. He probably does like the fist pound instead of saying like, you know, good call... He's got, he found poop, the poop emoji like six months ago. But with like 95 print font.

College football is more fun when Notre Dame is good

Notre Dame is back. And it's going to be fun. It's going to be fun to watch Notre Dame get their hopes all the way up. College football is significantly more fun when Notre Dame is back.

Ass-eating season is 100% back

I said that it was toe-sucking season, but I'm retracting that. Ass-eating season is 100% back. Gabby Union said that she eats Dwayne Wade's ass.

The Miami Hurricanes are back big time

My Who's Back of the Week, first of all, is a no-brainer. It's the U. The U's back big time.

Washington sports teams will win the World Series and Stanley Cup this year

Washington is back. It's the Nats year. It's the Caps year... So they're going to win the World Series. They're going to win the Stanley Cup.

Coach Ed Orgeron was never on the hot seat at LSU

I'm staying resolute in my support of Coach O. I don't think he was ever on the hot seat. Don't think he's ever going to be on the hot seat.

Jay Cutler has at least two more years left as a quarterback in the NFL.

I think we have another, like, two years of Jay [Cutler] in the NFL.

Alabama's second string could win the SEC

Alabama debates are back... could Alabama's second team win the SEC? Because they're deep. Real deep... the Hawaiian quarterback [Tua Tagovailoa], the second string, it would be unbelievable.

Bryce Harper will lead the Nationals to a surefire World Series title

He's coming back to lead the Nationals to a surefire World Series. It's the Nats year. This is the year that Natitude is back.

Blake Bortles is officially back

So my who's back of the week is Blake Bortles of the Blake Bortles Wikipedia Club. Huge game. Four touchdowns. He's back.

Iowa and Wisconsin football programs exist solely to have their hearts ripped out in moments of hope

Iowa and Wisconsin are both very similar in college but they just live to get crushed. It's like there's just moments in between getting your heart ripped out. So there's no real, like, excitement otherwise.

Sam Darnold isn't actually good, he just throws 'good looking' interceptions

I also have a theory that I'm working on that Sam Darnold's not actually good, but his interceptions look good. So even when he makes a bad play, you're like, this guy's good.

The discussion of Texas being 'back' means the program is officially back

Texas football, just the discussion of it being back, means it's back. Because that's what Texas football has become. It's like Texas, Notre Dame, Michigan... certain programs where if they have one good game [we ask] is Florida back? Tennessee... Miami.

Matthew McConaughey was meant to be a Californian who happened to be born in Texas

The danger in bringing Matthew McConaughey to Los Angeles is at any given time you might lose him. He might just defect... his natural state is like a caliber [Californian]... He was meant to be caliber. He was just he happened to be born on like a lot of land.

Cheating on your wife shouldn't count as cheating if you are under 5'5"

If you're under 5'5", I don't think it's cheating. Yeah, you're fulfilling your natural destiny at that point. You're just shocked that a woman pays attention to you.

Fullbacks are officially back in a big way in the NFL

Fullbacks are back in a big way... I think it might be confirmation bias, but I've been noticing fullbacks more and more. Specifically, Derek Coleman, the fullback for the Falcons.

It wouldn't be the worst thing if Jared Goff or Blake Bortles got injured after a good Week 1

I love Jared Goff and Blake Bortles. I do not want them to get injured, but it wouldn't be the worst thing if they did get injured after a really good week one. ... [Bortles] just injured his way into another $55 million contract.

Kesha's new album is the greatest album ever created

So I don't know if you guys have listened. Her [Kesha's] album came out last month, but I just caught wind of it. It is probably the greatest album that has ever been created.

I'm a Kesha guy over Taylor Swift or Katy Perry

And I want to officially go on the record when people say, are you Taylor Swift or Katy Perry guy? I'm a Kesha guy through and through.

Florida's passing game has been so bad that Tim Tebow is their best passer of the last decade

The best passing quarterback that Florida has had in the last 10 years is Tim Tebow.

Blake Bortles is the Jaguars' QB1 for the 2017 season

Blake Bortles is back... he is QB1 for the season. All you haters out there. Blake Bortles, QB1, Jacksonville Jaguars. Write it down.

Brawls are necessary for people to care about baseball

Brawling in baseball is good for baseball. It's great for baseball. ... Brawls need to happen in baseball for people to care about baseball more than they do right now.

I almost got a tattoo of Javier Baez on the back of my neck after seeing his slide against the Blue Jays.

Javi Baez had such a good slide for the Cubs to win an extra inning... In that time, I almost got myself an El Mago tattoo. ... Maybe on the back of my neck like his MLB tattoo.

Millennials aren't less interested in breasts; they just don't need to Google photos of them because they are actually having sex.

It's because millennials aren't Googling boobs. Pictures of boobs. Yeah, because we have sex. We see it. ... Of course it's going to be baby boomers and old people who, when they're looking for porn online, they just type in pictures of boobs.

Pumpkin Spice is officially back because stores are already displaying it in August.

My first who's back of the week is Pumpkin Spice. ... Walking to a grocery store, walking to any type of store, you will see ... It's just who's back of the week. And who's back of the week is pumpkin spice.

The wind in Chicago will help Roberto Aguayo's accuracy by pushing the ball back to the uprights

He's so wildly inaccurate that the wind is actually going to push his balls back towards the uprights.

Darren McFadden will tear his hamstring immediately and disappoint fantasy owners

Darren McFadden looks like he's going to get a lot of carries for the Cowboys... And when I say a lot of carries, I mean a lot of carries in the first half of the first game. And then he's going to tear his hamstring. And everyone who drafted him is going to be really pissed off.

Jon Jones will easily beat Brock Lesnar if he stays clean

Jon Bones Jones, if he stays clean, he will kick the shit out of Brock Lesnar. I mean, he can fight with anyone. He will beat him up.

Telling a woman you've had a vasectomy is the ultimate pickup line

I can't think of a better pickup line, actually, than telling a woman, I'm physically incapable of getting you pregnant. ... That would get the panties dropped immediately. ... I might just lie and say I've got a vasectomy.

Ole Miss will return to sucking at football now that they can't cheat under Hugh Freeze

Hugh Freeze is out, and it looks like Ole Miss is going to have to start playing it above the board here. No more cheating. So they're going to suck at football again.

Visiting prostitutes should be an accepted and understood part of being a head coach in Mississippi

I'm of the mindset that if you're in Mississippi and you're a head coach, it should be understood that you will visit prostitutes. That should not be a fireable offense.

Lonzo Ball playing well in Summer League means the Showtime Lakers are back

The Lakers are back. Oh! The Lake Show is back. So Lonzo Ball's been playing pretty well in the Summer League, and so that can only mean one thing, and that's the Showtime Lakers are back.

The Aaron Judge slump is caused by participating in the Home Run Derby

The Aaron Judge, did he fuck up his swing, is fully back. He's like one for 14 right now. I think we called that before the home run derby even started, right?

NBA players shouldn't be allowed to spend their entire contract in Houston because everything is too cheap

The nice thing about [James Harden's] contract is I don't think it's possible to spend this much money in one lifetime in Houston, Texas. Everything there is, like, really cheap.

Aaron Rodgers loves to get angry at other athletes' contracts

This is like the Aaron Rodgers specialty. Aaron Rodgers loves to get pissed off at other quarterbacks' contracts. That's like his thing. I want him to start jumping into other sports too and getting pissed off and be like, hey, I'm a better quarterback than James Harden is a shooting guard. How come I'm not getting paid?

A good Yankee player will always eventually be the face of Major League Baseball

You have Aaron Judge, Yankees, big market. People forget if there's a good Yankee, he's going to be the face.

Every great pitcher needs to have a streak of being an asshole

I think every pitcher, if they're going to be a really good pitcher, they need to have a streak of being an asshole.

If you stay in a bar that is uncomfortably hot, you are a crazy person

If you go into a bar that is hot and you don't leave immediately, you're a crazy person. I will absolutely call a night like, alright, night's over if I walk into a bar and it is uncomfortably hot in there.

High school football is officially back in June because grad parties are over

High school football is back. Grad parties are over. Coaches are distributing helmets and shoulder pads. It's June. Mini camps in full effect.

Icing Bros will inevitably make a comeback

I'm going to call it right now. Icing Bros is going to come back. That's going to suck. Take a knee and chug. That was a tough summer of 2008 or 9, whatever it was.

Michael Vick revolutionized video games by making custom quarterbacks unnecessary

Michael Vick was... basically whenever you would play Madden and you'd create your own video game player for quarterback, then Michael Vick came along and you just didn't have to do that anymore. You just play with Michael Vick.