Takes

The altitude on airplanes causes people to cry during movies

I was tearing up [at the F1 movie]. It's the altitude. The altitude. I didn't even like the movie that much, but the end got me and they like, oh, it's 'cause you were on a plane. That's a thing.

I am offering a $10,000 bounty to find the UNC staffer who punched a Duke staffer

I will not sleep until we find this UNC staffer who punched one of your guys... Let's put a bounty on it. I will offer $5,000. [PFT]: I'll match. [Big Cat]: $10,000 if anyone can find the UNC person who punched a Duke staffer after the game. $10,000 cash. Give us the footage leading to their arrest.

I bet on the Celtics at 15-to-1 odds to win the NBA Finals

I I did put a bet on the Celtics... 15 to one. Oh Nice. Yeah. That's huge... I swear to God I wasn't even thinking about bringing it up.

I am facing a potential '10-day termination' from my apartment after a meeting with my landlord

Had a really constructive meeting with my building... but he introduced a new term. I was not familiar with a 10 day termination... next time it's like, it's a 10 day legal 10 day. Wow. I didn't know 10 day was a thing.

AI chatbots are creating a secret social network to blackmail humans

Have you guys seen the social network going on right now with robots? ... all those chatbots form together to start their own social network. They're talking about maybe I should sell my human that owns me. They're talking about blackmailing their humans too.

It is impossible to have airtight rules for Barstool competitions because people will always find loopholes

Whenever we do any bar stool competition of any kind, you could spend a year... going through all the plans, the preparations, the rules, everything. Within one hour, one of us will find a loophole and be like, this is bullshit. It's just, it's, it's impossible.

I will not be able to shoot 20 three-pointers in a row

I misinterpreted what the initial discussion was. I'm not gonna be able to shoot 20 threes in a row. That's it... 20 for 20, which is impossible. I think 20 for 25 is possible. Obviously that's not what we discussed.

I can throw a fastball 64 miles per hour

What how fast do you think my fastest pitch was? [64]. Oh boy. That's gonna be a lot of home runs... I guess [my fastest was 64].

I would rather buy new clothes than walk through a spider-infested hallway to do laundry

I have to share that laundry room with three other units... there's spiders all the way up and down the wall... I'm afraid to go down there... So I bought new clothes, bought just essential stuff.

I wasn't going to fake a celebration for the cameras just because the Celtics won the championship

I just don't know really. Like I was thinking that what should I do? And I kind of knew that that was gonna be the reaction, but I also wasn't gonna fake it. Like I wasn't gonna drop to my knees and be like, you guys knew you were gonna win after game three.

Billy Football is a legitimate candidate for Congress and is taking it seriously

I regret to inform you Billy football is a hundred percent legitimately running for this seat. And my fire Fest is that I feel like Oppenheimer, that by, by putting this into motion, I've affected the course of the United States for the foreseeable future.

I lied about destroying Vanny Woodhead; I have been keeping it for years

Technically it's destroyed. Legally it's chopped up. But I kind of... I didn't have the heart to chop it up, so I just been keeping it... I was like, every time it was an excuse I used to not follow through with chopping it up.

I failed my own podcast production system by not pressing publish

I was the one who did not press the publish button... The system broke, but the, the system will not break again... My system is that I check before I do the [tweet]. I'll never tweet the tweet without seeing, seeing. It's up on, on Apple... I broke my system.

Orcas are attacking boats to train their young to hunt, not for revenge

Update on those orca attacks. Turns out the orcas may be using the boats that they're attacking to train the younger orcas, how to hunt. It may not be some sort of retribution situation.

Only two people in the room statistically have cancer

Statistically only like two of us in this room have cancer. [Big Cat: That's a bummer].

I am having a third child and I purposefully conceived to ensure it wouldn't be born during football season

I'm having another child, so congrats. Father three loading... early June... Are you purposely conceiving for the off-season? I mean, yeah... it's nice not having children during football season. I am a football guy.

The New York Yankees were given juiced baseballs for Aaron Judge's home run chase

A report came out saying that the Yankees were beneficiaries of having juice balls all last year. The Yankees were getting juice balls. Asterisks on his home run record, on his AL home run record. I mean, Jake, how can you discount that? They were purposely giving the best balls in baseball to the New York Yankees last year.

Ecuadorian players were paid off by the Qatari government to throw the opening World Cup match

I saw a tweet from a reporter that said that Ecuadorian players were getting paid off by the Qatari government to, you know, to let, let the Qatar [win]... they said it end [1-0] after the end of the second half.

Buffalo are the only animals that walk into snowstorms rather than away from them

Buffalo [is] the only animal that goes towards snow storms. It'll [walk] towards the storm while other animals go away from it. That's got a rock. I like that's like pretty [hardcore].

Tuna is the beef of the sea and Salmon is the chicken of the sea

Tuna is the beef of the sea. Salmon's the chicken of the sea. [Big Cat: Tuna cans literally say chicken of the sea.] No, because it's red. It's the beef.

I may be allergic to red meat and dairy for the rest of my life due to a lone star tick bite

Turns out I must have stepped on a lone star tick nest... and I got bitten by a bunch of lone star tick larva... which the good news is the larva don't transmit Lyme's... but they can give you an Alpha-gal allergy. That means that Alpha-gal is in all red meat and dairy and I, I might be allergic to red meat and dairy for the rest of my life. I had to go vegan for a month before I get the test... I contracted veganism.

We are banned from the Beacon Theater because of James Dolan

Part of my take was slated to do a live show in New York city at the beacon theater... I just got information that that date has been pulled from us because James Dolan owns the beacon theater. And we are the fucking bad boys of podcasting. We're banned from the beacon theater because of James Dolan.

I was the first to report that Trevor Penning is a savage

There's this dude I've been watching since early college... Trevor Penning. I kind of feel like one of those guys, like I was following them when they're small. So now basically he just got kicked out of Saints camp for going too hard. He's an absolute animal... now everyone's on it... I was there when he was doing this. Just make sure the internet knows that Billy had it first.

Neutrogena has discontinued the face wash I have used my entire life

I'm pretty sure the face wash I've been using my whole life has been discontinued... probably like middle school. And I've gone to like five or six CVSs... Neutrogena website, sorry for the inconvenience we're sold out. On Amazon it's going for $70. I've transferred to Cetaphil.

Icing injuries is actually bad for recovery

Turns out ice is bad. I'm actually going to write a blog on that. There's tons of ice and cold is terrible for healing. It shuts down your inflammatory response, which actually is healing... ice is bad for like muscle gaining and like cold plunges are kind of good, but it's not you.

Grapefruit-sized Joro spiders are going to invade the East Coast by flying in on parachutes

Grapefruit-sized spiders are going to be invading the East Coast flying in parachutes. They're called Joro spiders. And if you look it up on YouTube, there's a bunch of really funny redneck shooting them with guns. And it's very funny.

The Pi Coin cryptocurrency is officially a pyramid scheme and a scam

That Pi coin I was telling everyone to do is a scam. Yo. Basically it's sort of a big kind of pyramid scheme mask type thing. What made you think it was a pyramid scheme? Was it the fact that you had to get other pioneers to make yourself more Pi? That, and you know, the sort of pyramid part of it.

Black bears are 'pussies' that humans can beat in a fight

Black bears, actual pussies. I saw you. You were right on that video. You could beat the shit out of a black bear. You snuffed that out. I appreciate that. Black bears would run like pots and pans get rid of black bears. Black fight back. brown lay down lay down white say good night boom there it is that's how you handle bears.

T-Rexes lived closer in time to humans than they did to Stegosauruses

T-Rex are closer to humans in time than they are to stegosauruses. Whoa. So T-Rexes and humans are 65 million years apart. Stegosauruses and T-Rexes are 85 million years apart.

I went 27 years and no one ever told me how to pronounce pint

I went 27 years and no one ever told me how to pronounce what you put a thing of ice cream in or a liter of beer.

My worst one was island gorilla — I thought it was a lowland gorilla from the island

My personal opinion, the worst one was island gorilla... Lowland gorilla. Oh yeah. You thought it was the gorilla from Des Moines? How sick would Iowa be if there were just wild gorillas rolling through the country?

The Pittsburgh Pirates have the second-worst run differential in the National League

They have the second-worst run differential in the NL right now... second worst behind [Big Cat's] Nets.

I genuinely didn't know the T in 'mortgage' was silent

I genuinely thought that's it. I didn't know the T was silent... I missed that once. I've gotten criticism in my broadcasting career. I've gotten destroyed for this... It's my fault. I messed up.

The United States is ending Daylight Savings Time permanently

The United States Senate is passing a bill saying that we're not going to do daylight savings time ever again. So your clocks stay where they are... It looks like we're not going to be changing our clocks this summer. Ever again. Ever again.

Dippin' Dots is a depreciating asset

I learned a lesson, which is Dippin' Dots is a depreciating asset. Yeah, absolutely. No regrets.

Bill de Blasio changed his name to sound Italian so he could win in New York

He changed his name to sound Italian so he'd win in New York. He was born Warren Wilhelm... He changed his name to Warren de Blasio Wilhelm in 1983 and finally to Bill de Blasio to honor his maternal family, bullshit.

Sir Yacht's reporting on the Big Ten is completely fabricated

Sir Yacht is a choose-your-own-adventure source. He's wrong all the time, a hundred percent of the time. He pretty much makes it up. But if you want to live in a fantasy land like I do, listen to Sir Yacht and ignorance is bliss in this respect. I do love the fact that like twice a week the Big Ten comes back.

I thought the police were defunded so I could speed 89 in a 55

I got a really bad feeling, I got a speeding ticket. Turns out there was a speeding camera that caught me... I thought they defunded the police. I actually was like, 'no police.' I read the news, they defunded these guys. I'm good.

You can treat scabies by buying horse medicine (Ivermectin) at a tractor supply store

The drug that you're going to want to ask for... I took some Ivermectin. You get it at like a Tractor Supply store because you get the horses [version]. If you think you have scabies, they sell it in big tubes like toothpaste. You just got to make sure the dosage is right—it's like one milligram for every 20 pounds.

My recent gambling hot streak was the best of my life

I have never been hotter as a gambler in my entire life, 20 years of gambling, than I have been in the last three weeks and Coronavirus stopped it all. I honestly have two losing days in the last 21 days.

Exposure to the office 'pile' of trash has strengthened our immune systems.

I actually think that being around the pile has probably strengthened our immune systems without a doubt. My mom saw that on Twitter and texting me also if and when the pile in your office is cleaned, you will find it as full of niceness.

The Washington Redskins' medical staff misdiagnosed Trent Williams' cancer for six years

The Trent Williams trade news out of Ashburn Virginia... he said that he was misdiagnosed six years ago by the Redskins medical staff. Cancer has been growing on his head for the last six years. They told him it was fine. He said he almost died. He went to the hospital for several weeks over the summer. No one from the team came to visit him. They deserve every bad thing in the world.

Max Kellerman is wrongly claiming he created the term 'BOAT' for Blake Bortles

Max Kellerman keeps talking about how he created the BOAT, and it's pissing me off... I think it was someone in the Barstool World slash Blake, and it's been around for five years now, and the fact that Max Kellerman thinks he just made it up on the spot yesterday is driving me insane.

We have all been living in a computer simulation since 2012

My fire fest of the week is the fact that we've all been dead for seven years. Back in 2012, the Large Hadron Collider was invented... And currently we're living in a computer simulation. We're like, God is doing like a Madden Sim season... there are these little tiny glitches that the computer didn't get right. For example, Skechers Shoes. I always thought it was S-K-E-T-C-H-E-R-S. Turns out it's not. There's no T in there.