Takes

James Harden will win the NBA MVP because he doesn't have to play defense

I'm taking James Harden because of the Mikey D thing. He's just like, James, don't worry about defense. Which, like, James Harden doesn't worry about defense anyway... I think if you eliminate that 5% of his brain that worries about defense, his offensive numbers are going to be so crazy.

Mike Brown is the ultimate hot seat guy and a sacrificial lamb for the Warriors

Mike Brown's the ultimate hot seat guy. And I actually like this move by the Warriors, by Steve Kerr. Got to have a hot seat guy around. So if Kevin Durant starts to falter, if this team, this super team doesn't do so well, Mike Brown's going to be the first to go. Also, Mike Brown is a sacrificial lamb. He stumbles out of bed every morning on the hot seat.

A basketball team's quality is directly correlated to how many high fives they give

Earl Watson, the head coach... Earl the Pearl says that they're going to start tracking players' high fives... Naturally, the more high fives you give, the better you are.

Bet heavily against Butler because their bulldog mascot tore its ACL

Butler University's bulldog mascot... he tore his ACL. So he's only out for two weeks... so bet against Butler heavily.

The Timberwolves will be the savior of Minnesota sports with Tom Thibodeau

The Timberwolves are going to be good. Tom Thibodeau is here to save you, Minnesota. So let's just... Sometimes it's good to just be like, you know what? Cancel this entire season. We're just going to go on to the next one. And guess what? The next one's pretty damn good.

Jimmy Butler is a perfect fit for the Milwaukee Bucks

[Jimmy Butler is] getting ready to be the greatest, most apt Milwaukee buck of all time. Like there has never been a better fit.

LeBron James' massive contract will cripple the Cavaliers' long-term future

I think [LeBron James] might have crippled the Cavaliers long term with this deal... The Cavaliers, they've got so much dead money that's going to be hanging around LeBron James' neck in three years. They're going to be lucky to eke out 40 wins in a season.

Coming back from a 3-1 deficit is the biggest comeback in the history of sports

Coming back from 3-1 down in a playoff series, that's got to be the biggest comeback in the history of sports. Right, Hank?

The Warriors won't be good for the first half of the 2016 season

With Kevin [Durant] going out there, I have a theory that they're not going to be very good for the first half of the year next year. Only one ball.

Pat Riley is building his next super team by 'hoodwinking' Dion Waiters

Pat Riley, he just took a step back down towards Earth on the stairway to heaven because this is how you build your empire back up. You hoodwink Dion Waiters a little bit. And the next thing you know, you got your next super team in place.

LeBron James will sign his 2016 contract before another Hillary Clinton email is leaked

LeBron James will sign before another [Hillary Clinton] email gets released. [Obama] is gonna fire a nuke up a horse's butt so that Putin can't leak any more of Clinton's emails.

The Golden State Warriors might have chemistry issues because they have 'too many chiefs'

I don't know if they have enough shots. Everyone's going to want to shoot the ball. I don't know how it's going to work... Too many chiefs, not enough Indians. That's how I think it's going to go, but we'll see.

LeBron James is delaying signing with the Cavaliers because he doesn't have a printer

He's just keeps putting it off. He just doesn't. He's like, yeah, I'll sign tomorrow. Don't worry. Maybe he doesn't have a printer in his house. Maybe that's what it is.

Pat Riley is going to die soon because it's taking him 10 days to write a single email

Pat Riley's going to die soon. He's still taking this Dwyane Wade thing pretty hard. And he said Pat hasn't spoken to Dwyane post-decision yet. He said, 'I've been crafting a very long email to him.' He's been writing an email for like 10 days now. I feel like that's the end. When you're just sitting there with an open Word document... Pat Riley's going to die soon.

It is suspicious that LeBron James still hasn't signed his contract with the Cavaliers four days after free agency opened

LeBron James still hasn't signed with the Cleveland Cavaliers. Hmm. Just saying. Hmm. I'm not saying, but. Hmm. Has everybody else signed? Yeah. So... LeBron hasn't yet.

Dwyane Wade is going to win a title in Chicago

Dwyane Wade, he's going to win a title in Chicago. I don't know how it's going to work. They have [Rajon] Rondo, Jimmy Butler, and Dwyane Wade who all play isolation basketball for a coach that wants to move the ball and shoot threes. None of them shoot threes, but... Diddy and Skylar Grey had that video, baby.

Any team with a 'Big Three' is automatically at least a three seed

The key is as long as you can assemble a group of three people together and call them the big three, then you're automatically going to be like at least a three seed. Right. That's the rule.

The Bulls' success relies on other NBA stars getting season-ending injuries in April

Everyone basically – the strategy in the NBA now is either tank and rebuild or build a team like the Bulls where you're hoping [LeBron], [Kyrie], Al Horford, [Kawhi], [Steph Curry], [Kevin Durant], [CP3] – all get season ending injuries sometime around April and i think that if that happens the bulls have positioned themselves into a nice spot where they could at least get to the eastern conference finals right

Hassan Whiteside will pull a DeAndre Jordan and sign with the Mavericks instead of the Heat

Now that Dwayne Wade is signed with the Chicago Bulls, I bet you Hassan Whiteside might be rethinking the contract he agreed to with the Heat. What if he decides to pull a DeAndre Jordan and change his mind and sign with a team like the Dallas Mavericks who are offering him the max?

Kevin Durant might not improve the Warriors because there are too many cooks in the kitchen

I'm actually going to go out on a limb and say that Kevin Durant might not really improve the Warriors that much. Yeah, he's a really good player... You got a lot of cooks in the kitchen now. You need some role players.

I hope the Cavaliers beat the Warriors again next year so David West stays stuck losing every year

I hope the Cavs beat the Warriors again next year. Then David West goes to the Cavs. And then the Warriors beat the Cavs. And he's just stuck losing like every single year.

The Memphis Grizzlies are a front for a crystal meth manufacturing operation

The Memphis Grizzlies are very obviously just a front for crystal meth manufacturing. Like that's — it's the perfect move to pay Mike Conley $150 million. It's obviously money laundering. They had [Matt] Barnes. They had Birdman. Chandler Parsons. The Grizzlies are just a drug operation.

Tom Brady can't tell Kevin Durant what it's like to be a black superstar in Boston

And Tom Brady is going to be able to tell Kevin Durant what it's like to be a big black superstar in the city of Boston. Wait. No, wait, hold on.

Kobe Bryant is considering the Knicks, Celtics, Spurs, Raptors, or Clippers in free agency

I think this is the best-kept secret in free agency so far is what teams is Kobe Bryant taking meetings with? I think he's going to the Knicks, the Celtics, the Spurs or the Raptors? Kobe's a big foreign guy. He's cultured. I think he might want to spend some time up north... [Big Cat suggests Clippers] Yeah, he's probably taking a meeting with them. Yeah. Kobe going to LA.

Kevin Durant will re-sign with the Oklahoma City Thunder

Kevin Durant taking meetings. He's going to end up at Oklahoma City.

Kevin Durant will end up staying with the Oklahoma City Thunder

NBA free agency is here, and that means one thing... it's going to be Kevin Durant mania, even though he's going to end up just going back to Oklahoma City.

The Los Angeles Clippers are actually a Temecula team

I've never been to the Staples Center, but I'm kind of an L.A. Clippers truther. I don't think that the Clippers actually play in that city. I think they're, like, more of a Temecula team.

Gabrielle Union would ruin the Golden State Warriors' chemistry

I hope that [Dwyane Wade] goes to Golden State and then... Ayesha Curry gets tasked with showing Gabby [Union] around Oakland. And she's like, please don't make me hang out with this crazy bitch. And Gabby just ruins the chemistry of the entire team. That would be wonderful.

Gershon Yabusele is the Celtics' future championship captain

The Celtics drafted their future championship captain, Gershon Yabusele, from France.

The next trend in the NBA will be drafting the fattest team possible

The Warriors got good by doing the opposite of everybody else. They went small. There's going to be a swing soon. You want to get out in front of that and just draft the fattest team possible.

The Phoenix Suns are officially 'America's Team'

[Reese Davis] said some people call the Suns America's team. ... I think we should roll with it. ... if they're America's team, they're America's team. ... America's team. ... sons, sons, sons, sons.

The Knicks should sign Dwight Howard to form a 'Big Three' with Carmelo Anthony and Derrick Rose

Dwight Howard might come to New York... Dwight Howard, Derrick Rose, Carmelo Anthony. Whoa. Talk about some fucking all-stars, bro. That's a big three, man.

LeBron James will go play minor league baseball for the Chicago White Sox

LeBron James is going to go play minor league baseball for the Chicago White Sox.

LeBron James will sign with the Lakers and change his name to LeBron Bryant

I'm going to say number one, the Lakers, and he switches his name to LeBron Bryant and wears Kobe Bryant's jersey all next year.

Pre-game Prediction: The Warriors will win Game 7 by 20 points and LeBron James will get injured

The Cavs are going to lose [by 20]. LeBron's going to get injured in the first half, and people are just going to always talk about how if he had played healthy, they would have won.

LeBron James should leave Cleveland now because his mission in town is accomplished

My question is, is this the worst thing that could ever happen in Cleveland? Like, is LeBron James gone now? Like, is his mission in town over? Why would you want to stay in Cleveland if you're LeBron? Like, what if he goes back to Miami?

The 2018 NBA Finals will be the Charlotte Hornets vs. the Seattle SuperSonics

2018 NBA Final predictions, give us a winner as well. Hornets in five... Hornets versus Sonics. Sonics are back. Hornets in five. Book it.

LeBron James isn't actually clutch; he's just a 'carrier' of a mutated clutch gene that he passes to teammates

LeBron James still doesn't really have it [the clutch gene], but he is a carrier of it. He's mutated it, and Kyrie [Irving] caught it from him... much to LeBron's chagrin, Kyrie became more clutch than he was after catching the disease from him. He's the carrier of the mutated genes. He's the Zika fly.

Steph Curry throwing his mouthguard at a fan is assault and battery

It's assault, right? Like, let's be honest. It's assault. Steph Curry, I mean, he's an NBA player... he's a professional athlete, probably has some sort of communicable STD, getting hit with that mouth guard. That is grounds for lawsuit. That's assault. I believe it's also battery.

Ayesha Curry's tweet about the NBA being rigged was a viral PR stunt for Under Armour shoes

She could always say, guess what? This was a viral spot for my husband's Under Armour shoes. I got 70,000 retweets, got everybody talking about me... You guys just got Kimmeled, America.

The Warriors will beat the Cavaliers 107-91 in Game 7 of the NBA Finals

My prediction for Game 7 is... It's going to be 107-91 Warriors.

The Warriors will beat the Cavaliers by 15 points in Game 7 of the NBA Finals

I think Steph's going to play, Warriors by 15.

The Bulls will dangle Jimmy Butler and Derrick Rose in trade talks all summer but trade neither, leading to a dysfunctional locker room

The Bulls are such a fucking shit show because what they're going to do is they're going to dangle Jimmy Butler and Derrick Rose all summer long. They're not going to trade either, and they're both going to come back and be grumpy as fuck and hate the front office.

Jimmy Butler is not and will never be a relevant NBA player

Jimmy Butler is not a relevant player. He's never going to be a relevant player... every time you mention Jimmy Butler's name on the show, like I want to go shoot heroin into my arm and pass out.

David Stern is still secretly pulling the strings of the NBA behind the scenes

Adam Silver's not. Adam Silver cleaned up the league... Meanwhile David Stern is behind the scenes suspending Draymond Green and getting these ratings... he's the master puppet and I love it.

Draymond Green missed LeBron James' testicles because LeBron is on steroids

Draymond threw a punch directly into the groin and didn't make contact with LeBron James' nuts... steroids, common side effect, shrink the testicles. making them harder to hit, harder to locate. So I think that the fact that Draymond... didn't make contact... that is a major red flag. And if I'm Adam Silver, I'm personally walking a piss cup into the Cavaliers' locker room and making LeBron James urinate into it.

Steph Curry is playing poorly because he is addicted to opioids

I think that Steph Curry, he got hurt and he got put on some pain medicine... Now he's off the pain medicine. He's off the Vicodin and he's addicted to opioids now. And so like he can't – He's got like a vicious hangover. He can't find a stroke because his arms are shaking.

The Cavaliers will lose the 2016 NBA Finals in six games

The series hasn't started yet... real talk... they're going to lose in six.

The NBA will give the Cavs the 'David Stern treatment' with favorable officiating in Game 4

I think they're going to win game four. And I think we're going to get another David Stern treatment where they'll get some calls. And game five and six, the Warriors will punish them.

The Cavaliers are officially dead after Game 2 of the 2016 NBA Finals

The Cavaliers are officially dead. I feel confident about this time. I've done this before, and I had to eat some crow... because the Cavaliers have been blown out now two times and it looks like [it's over].