Takes

Washing Oreos with water is a delicious way to eat them

Would you wash an Oreo with water? Yes. Always... No, try it. Next time you get some Oreos. Hank does. It's actually delicious.

The Popeyes chicken sandwich is better than Chick-fil-A

I think the Popeye's is better. Yes, it's a little bit bigger, it's a little crunchier. Popeyes is better but Popeyes also will set you back a little.

Every real meal must include meat

I just think you need to have meat if you're eating a meal. There has to be meat. I'm trying to think of what meal I would eat without meat... mac and cheese I think is better without meat, but every single meal is better with meat.

Cheese pizza and mac and cheese are essentially the exact same thing

I just realized it cheese pizza and mac and cheese are essentially the exact same thing. Correct? So is yeah given to you differently cooked harder.

Wine snobs are 99% full of shit

It kind of reveals what I thought all along—why people are full of shit. Most of them are. 99% of them... I think that most people could probably tell the difference between a seven dollar bottle wine and like a $70 bottle, but anything above that you can be influenced by a cool-looking label.

You cannot eat soup while wearing shorts; it's a fundamental rule

It's either short season or it's soup season. I thought about ordering soup yesterday, and I was like, it's a little too hot out. I'm wearing shorts. There's no overlap there. You can't eat soup while wearing shorts. You just can't. It doesn't go together. You can eat a popsicle.

Queso is technically a soup because it's a liquid served in a bowl

I think queso's the soup... You use like chips, which are basically spoons. They're edible spoons. Yeah, it's bread. It's like the bread that comes with soup. I think queso's the soup.

Waffle House is one of America's finest institutions

Waffle House is one of America's finest institutions. ... If you're a millionaire, you should still be going to Waffle House on a regular basis. It is the best night food. It's the best breakfast food.

Tomato juice only tastes good when you are on a flight.

Tomato juice is so gross to pick and anyone who says 'oh, it's not that bad' they're just lying because they like it with vodka... I've noticed that people only drink tomato juice on flights... Tomato juice tastes better on an airplane.

Dasani is the worst bottled water in the world.

My first one I'm going to go straight forward and say Dasani. Dasani water is trash, all of it, it's the world's worst water. It just tastes like shit.

There is no difference between 1%, 2%, and whole milk.

Drinking whole milk is disgusting... I do [drink it]... I bet you big guy, we do a taste test, I would be able to... there's no difference.

Anchovies are actually delicious and only hated because of Ninja Turtles propaganda

Anchovies are not that bad. They only get a bad rap because of cartoons. You were told from a young age [by] the Ninja Turtles... That's actually not at all what anchovies are. They are delicious. They just taste like salt... There's been a tremendous propaganda effort against anchovies and sardines for most of my adult life.

Animal style fries at In-N-Out are wildly overrated

Animal style sauce on fries at In-N-Out. I think it's wildly overrated. I really do. Animal sauce on the burger... that adds something. Animal sauce on fries just becomes disgusting and you're like what are we doing eating a bunch of soggy fries? It's a cool hipster thing to do.

Ketchup is a disgusting mask for people with bad taste

Ketchup period. Ketchup is disgusting. Anyone who jumps—it's a mask. It's the same as buffalo sauce. If you need to have ketchup like people that eat ketchup get addicted to it... I need to have a ketchup I need to have like chips but I need to have ketchup. It's just a masquerade.

Calamari is a trash appetizer

Calamari. Everyone always orders it. I'm always at tables where they just like, oh, well, just get calamari, assuming I want calamari. I'm just like no... if you don't have sauce, it's disgusting.

Deviled eggs are gross as a party appetizer

I think deviled eggs are gross to eat like an appetizer form. Like if you're out and you eat a deviled egg, it's like okay have cool egg breath for the rest of the fucking night, dude.

The Bloomin' Onion is a disappointment; just order onion rings

Whenever you order it, it's always disappointment. The Bloomin' Onion. Think about it, like why? Just order onion rings.

Circus Peanuts are the most trash candy ever invented

My first one is no-brainer: circus peanuts. They suck. Universally regarded as the most trash candy to ever be invented... I think they're just invented so like dads can have candy that they know that their kids won't eat.

Rolos are trash

And Rolos. Rolos are trash. You take a bite of Rolos, I feel like every time I take a bite of Rolos my tooth is coming out with it.

Milk Duds are a trap because they get stuck in your teeth for four hours

I fucking hate Milk Duds. You never eaten a Milk Dud it didn't get stuck in your teeth for fucking hours? The most annoying candy to eat... It's like a fucking trap every time.

Hot dog water is a top-four worst type of water

I've got hot dog water. It is the equivalent of juicing a diet. Remnants of bathroom hot dog water... that's the most disgusting thing you've ever said in your entire life.

PB&J on hot dog rolls is a superior sandwich method and I'm never going back

I've been making PB and J's and hot dog rolls and honestly, I'm never going back. Yeah, PB&J doesn't fall out of the sample. It falls out of sandwiches in the hot dog roll. It's like a taco, you know.

Wheaties taste like an old person's butthole

Wheaties. Mmm great boxes and they're great workers because they just they made everyone who wins an Olympic gold medal want to be on the cover of their cereal box, even though their cereal tastes like shit tastes like an old person's like butthole.

Frosted Flakes is easily the worst cereal option

This is way more controversial than my last one. But easily my least favorite cereal Frosted Flakes... growing up and I go to my friend's house for sleepovers or whatever and they go on Frosted Flakes. No disgusting.

Honey Bunches of Oats is the greatest cereal hack for eating sugar disguised as health food

I'm also happy that no one said Honey Bunches of Oats Because that's the greatest like hack of eating healthy, but it's really just sugar cereal agreed that I love Honey Bunches of Oats. It's my whole unit like, oh, yeah. I'm eating healthy here.

Frosted Flakes milk is a top-five milk

Frosted Flakes milk is a top-five milk. I think. Oh, no doubt. No doubt.

Skyline Chili is disgusting

I hate that stuff. It's not real chili. It's just sauce... Cincinnati's going to hate me, but I hate that stuff.

Chick-fil-A would beat Popeyes if they released an extra spicy chicken sandwich

Develop an extra spicy chicken sandwich. If you go to market with extra spicy, that'll take all the buzz off Popeyes.

The Popeyes spicy chicken sandwich is one of the best sandwiches ever

Unpopular opinion that Popeye's chicken sandwich is good. I'll die on that hill. No, it's really good. And I need to have another one.

Melted cheese is the ultimate cheese hack for any food

Any type of cheese, if you melt it on top of something, makes it instantly better. I will go with melted. Just melted.

Nacho cheese is better the more unrealistic and neon it looks

I'm going to go with nacho cheese... I love it the more unrealistic the cheese is. Like the more yellow, the like neon yellow color you get with stadium nachos. Love that shit... like the radioactive goo.

Goat cheese is 'chick cheese' and not for guys

Goat cheese? Are you kidding me? That's chick cheese, bro. I disagree. That's a big time chick cheese.

Restaurants should replace gumball machines with 'Tumball' machines filled with Tums

An idea that's just, instead of a gumball machine, just out in restaurants, have it just be filled with Tums... I would take one every single time, even if I didn't have heartburn, just like knowing you might get it later... Call it a Tumball machine.

Junior Mints are S-tier because of their scarcity

The one thing I like about Junior Mints, I don't think you can get it everywhere... you go into even a liquor store, you can get a Snickers bar... it's just too easy to get. I like the fact you got to work a little for your Junior Mints.

Licorice is the best jelly bean to give to someone you hate

What are the best flavors of jelly beans to give to someone you hate? Oh, definitely licorice. Yep. You can have them all.

Poutine is not the national food of Canada

Poutine is not the national food of Canada. I have never had poutine before. Now suddenly everybody's Mr. Poutine. This is poutine. This side and the other thing.

Acai bowls are a scam that make you fat because they are basically just ice cream

I found out about them [Acai Bowls]. They're awesome. It's basically ice cream. But then I found out they make you fat... Turns out it basically is ice cream. They're labeled as superfood.

St. Louis pizza is just a saltine cracker with ketchup and American cheese

I learned something new about the St. Louis culinary tradition every year, whether it's their pizza, which my understanding is like saltine cracker with ketchup, and then like a lunchable cheddar... American cheese.

The Domino's Pizza Tracker is fake

My hot seat is the Domino's tracker... Some big J journalist, independent journalist, went in, did some research, and was like stalking, would put in an order, and would follow the restaurant, follow the driver, and make sure that the tracker was up to date. And it's not. No. He foiled it. He foiled Domino's.

I bet Hank eats at least 13 In-N-Out patties during Grit Week

The number of patties of In-N-Out that Hank eats this week, I'm putting at 12.5.

Tiramisu is an overrated dessert

The dessert is weird. It's tiramisu. Tiramisu is overrated, by the way.

I am canceling Orange Vanilla Coke and will never drink it because of the excessive advertising

Orange Vanilla Coke I saw seven million times, and I hate it. I will never drink an orange vanilla Coke. I am canceling orange vanilla Coke.

Prime 47 is a better steakhouse than St. Elmo's in Indianapolis

Prime 47 versus St. Elmo's. I have Prime 47. I thought St. Elmo's is you go for the shrimp cocktail, but after that, the menu doesn't have a lot to offer.

Ketchup tastes better when it is refrigerated

I think ketchup tastes better when it's refrigerated. Yeah, but you don't need to [refrigerate it]. That's kind of one of those weird things.

Clemson being served fast food at the White House is awesome.

I just saw the plates full of Big Macs and Wendy's and pizza. I was like, this is fucking awesome. It looked like essentially being back in college and getting super high and being like, let's just order all the fast food. I'm fully in favor of this move.

A cold Filet-O-Fish is one of the most unappetizing things on Earth.

I can't think of too many things less appetizing than like a cold filet of fish. Yeah, excuse me, McFish. Don't put the filet of fish out there. That's a big time mistake.

Always buy an extra small fry to eat in the car so you don't dip into your large fry.

Pro tip for everyone out there... if you go to McDonald's, if you go to a drive-thru, the key is to get a large fry and then get a medium or small fry for just the car. Because you don't want to dip into your large fry when you get home.

Candy corn is absolutely delicious and should be a year-round candy

Candy corn is absolutely delicious. I think it should be a year-round candy, and I can't wait to eat it for the next month.

Animal crackers are cookies, not crackers

I think they're cookies. They're sweet. They're not savory, they're sweet... they're the worst cookie but the best cracker.

If you don't like mayonnaise, you are probably homophobic and misogynistic

If you don't like mayo, you're actually, well, and also, you're probably kind of homophobic and a little misogynistic. Because you're just like, your masculinity is threatened by having this creamy, delicious spread just down your throat.