Takes

The Ravens are using a two-QB package as a passive-aggressive way to bench Joe Flacco

The Ravens just blew our minds. They're working on a package that has two quarterbacks on the field at the same time... This is the passive-aggressive Ravens way of just like, kind of easing [Joe Flacco] out. Just like having the formation change slowly until Lamar Jackson is standing directly in front of him on every snap.

The NFL has a 'charity problem'

I'm going to go as far to say, does the NFL have a charity problem? Might be. Might be. Let's look into that.

The Seahawks will miss the playoffs because Brandon Marshall is a team curse

Russell Wilson [is on the hot seat] because Brandon Marshall has signed with the Seahawks. And when Brandon Marshall goes, teams don't go to the playoffs. He's never made the playoffs, right? Never made the playoffs.

Tom Brady doesn't feel valued enough by the Patriots

I actually do think, though, that Tom Brady thinks that he's not valued enough at work. ... Like anything that he does on the football field is because he's just such a weirdo... and the Belichick system values exactly what you're valued and Tom Brady probably thinks he should be valued more.

Big Ben will play for 3-5 more years because the Steelers drafted Mason Rudolph

Big Ben says he wants to play three to five more years. He's just saying that because they drafted Mason Rudolph. 100%. But it's so fantastic that Big Ben, the guy who was contemplating retirement last year, is now like, yeah, you know what? Pencil me in for five more years.

The NFL should fine quarterbacks for receiver head injuries if the pass leads them into danger

Micah Hyde... came up with a new idea that actually makes a lot of sense about finding players for helmet-to-helmet hits. He thinks that quarterbacks should be fined for their receivers getting hit in the head if the quarterback leads them into danger. I don't hate it.

The Browns are smokescreening everyone by pretending to like Josh Allen with the #1 pick

Everyone thinks they're going to take Sam Darnold, but they're making a lot of moves for Josh Allen. And everyone says they like Josh Allen, but it's a smokescreen. And they have the first pick.

The fact that Andrew Luck isn't healthy proves that books are officially junk science

He says that he's been reading a lot as part of his rehab. Nerd. So he's been reading a lot of books and nurturing himself with literature. The fact that he hasn't gotten better means that books are officially junk science, right? If that's his treatment course.

Drew Brees will have to play for several more years because he lost $8 million to a fraud jeweler

My cool throne is the New Orleans Saints. ... They're on my cool throne because Drew Brees is going to have to play for another couple years. Because it turns out he lost $8 million to a fraud jeweler.

Josh Rosen's intelligence and outside interests are red flags for NFL teams

I think a red flag has been brought up for Josh Rosen that he's too smart and that he cares too much about things besides football. ... Teams should send scouts to the UCLA library and hang out there, see how many times Josh Rosen comes in... if you're reading more history books than your playbook, then it's going to be a real issue.

The NFL should reschedule Valentine's Day for the Sunday after the Super Bowl

Reschedule Valentine's Day for the Sunday after the Super Bowl. So you can have your one day with the family. And then, bam, right back into football before President's Day. Make it a national holiday.

Ed Hochuli's retirement is a major blow to the NFL's masculinity

My hot seat is NFL's masculinity. Ed Hochuli retired. He's gone. There's going to be no more giant arms coming at you every Sunday, so I don't know what NFL's going to do. They need someone to fill the void of just a jacked, jacked ref.

Limiting pass interference penalties to 15 yards will cause receivers to be 'mugged' downfield

It's going to be like the purge for the Seahawks receivers more than 15 yards downfield. ... the NFL is going to create a new law that's going to have like a million unintended consequences to it.

The NFL should stop the clock after first downs under two minutes like college football

The only rule I really want to see in the NFL is... I want the NFL to... adopt the clock stops after a first down under two minutes like the college [rule]. Because it makes—you can come back with 45 seconds left. It's awesome to watch.

Colin Kaepernick's lawyers picked a fight they can't win against Roger Goodell and Papa John

My first hot seat is Colin Kaepernick's lawyers. Uh-oh. Because they picked some fights that they can't win. They're going up against Roger Goodell's two favorite people in the world, his wife and Papa John. ... They're going to ask Papa John if he gave instructions or if he was given instructions by Jerry Jones.

Mike Tice retiring because players 'don't want to be coached' just means he sucks at coaching

Mike Tice is going to retire, and he says it's because players no longer want to be coached... When you say that you're quitting your coaching job because players don't want to be coached, you're just saying, 'I suck at coaching.'

Patriots fans will be the classiest fan base in Minnesota during Super Bowl LII

[The Patriots] are going to be the classiest fan base in Minnesota because Minnesota people are coming back to Minnesota with tragic and horror stories about how mean the Philadelphia fans were to them. So it's going to be exciting to see if they try and do anything back to Philly fans next week.

John Gruden is a ginger, which technically makes him a minority

John Gruden's a ginger, so technically a minority. Who knows? But the bottom line is the NFL has ruled they did not violate [the Rooney Rule].

Banning ping pong tables in the locker room leads to playoff success

Sabermetrically, two coaches eliminated ping pong tables from their locker rooms this year. Both of them made the playoffs... Not only did [Doug] Marone get rid of that, but he also got rid of the dominoes table, which is like a multiplier for the ping pong table.

Ben McAdoo is a perfect hire for the Cleveland Browns coaching staff

The Cleveland Browns are officially back because they look like they're going to hire Ben McAdoo, offensive coordinator. I can't think of a better move than the guy who basically made every wrong decision in New York... You're going to fit in perfectly, Ben.

Football is like the mafia because once you're in, you're in for life

This just proves our theory that football is like the mafia. Once you're in, you're in for life. And if you just kind of like stick around long enough, your name will pop back up.

Rodrigo Blankenship will be a third-round pick because he wears glasses

Rodrigo [Blankenship] understands more than most that if you just have a thing as a college athlete you skyrocket your draft appeal. So if he didn't have those glasses, he probably would be maybe a sixth, seventh round pick. He's probably going in the third round because he's the kicker with the glasses.

The Jaguars' all-black uniforms are a 'grail' and make the team look fast and strong.

The Jaguars, they announced today, they're wearing all black. And so that's a fit... That's a grail. It just screams excellence. Yeah, and it's also just, it looks good on a football field. When TCU does it, it looks good. They look fast. They look, like, strong.

James Harrison is a double agent sent by the Steelers to infiltrate the Patriots

I almost think that he's a double agent, that the Steelers sent him in there... To give fake play calls... James Harrison was saying he was so pissed off at Mike Tomlin... It's like that episode of Homeland where Carrie testified that she hated the CIA and then she went to a mental institution.

Giving Sean McVay credit for the Rams is like giving 311 credit for inventing reggae; it's Jeff Fisher's squad

Giving Sean McVay credit for this team is like giving 311 credit for inventing reggae. This is Jeff Fisher's squad. This is his team. He invented this team.

Belichick rescinding Alex Guerrero's credentials is good because friction causes fire and will motivate Tom Brady

It's not a friction. It's actually a good thing. It means Belichick's lighting a fire under Brady's ass because friction causes fire. So Belichick knows he's got to push Brady's buttons if he wants him to keep playing at this level at such an old age.

Colt McCoy is 75% of the quarterback Kirk Cousins is

I think Colt McCoy is about 75% of what Kirk Cousins is. So that's like... 40% of a franchise quarterback.

The NFL hiring cycle is just old GMs hiring their friends from their physical Rolodexes

Ernie Acorsi, because he is now, this is a fun thing that happens in football, when you fire someone for being shitty at football, you hire someone who's been in the NFL forever to go find the next person, and he just hires his friends.

The Cleveland Browns will run the table and make the playoffs

Cleveland Browns are still very much alive to make the playoffs. They run the table. They don't control their own destiny, though. Hey, Cleveland Browns fans, R-E-L-A-X. You're going to run the table. You'll be fine.

Josh Gordon won't be as good as before because he's sober

[Josh Gordon] got reinstated, but it came out that he admitted that he used drugs or alcohol before every single game he's ever played. So he's going to have to come back and not use drugs or alcohol, and he's not going to be that good.

At least one NFL coach will be fired before the end of the 2017 season

So Ben McAdoo, we're going to get one coach at least in the NFL is going to get fired before the end of the season. It usually happens.

The Raiders have lost their mojo because they aren't getting enough penalties

Jack Del Rio said that they've lost their mojo. You want to know why? Because they're like one of the least penalized teams in the NFL. That's not Raiders football.

The 49ers are 'cover machines' and I will keep betting on them

My cool throne is, number one, the 49ers for the gambling luck. They've lost the last, what, five games by three points or less? They're cover machines. I'm going to keep riding those Niners.

Philadelphia can't have nice things, so the Eagles' success will eventually fall apart

My hot seat is the Eagles. And this is quick... It just seems like it's too good right now. And Philadelphia can't have nice things.

Eli Manning might get traded to the Jaguars to reunite with Tom Coughlin

Do you hear this one about Eli Manning maybe getting traded to the Jaguars? Because Tom Coughlin. Think about it.

Mark Ingram has officially won the lead role in the Saints backfield over Adrian Peterson

Mark Ingram... he won the battle of who's going to be the bigger head on the two-headed running back committee in New Orleans... Adrian Peterson is out in Arizona.

The Titans signing Brandon Weeden creates an immediate quarterback controversy in Tennessee

The Titans signed Brandon Weeden. So that is a QB controversy in the waiting. I love it. I actually have a little stay woke for you... I think the Titans might have done this... to get a little social media play out of this.

The NFC North is currently the 'Division of Quarterbacks' in the NFL

My other cool throne is names. Speaking of quarterbacks, cool throne... NFC North quarterbacks because that is officially the division of quarterbacks. Mitch Trubisky is going to start for the Bears... Matthew Stafford, Dark Horse MVP, Aaron Rodgers, Super Bowl winner, and Sam Bradford.

Bruce Arians is on the hot seat because he is losing his mind and making terrible challenges

Bruce Arians is officially actually on the hot seat because I don't think he has all his marbles... That challenge though, everyone was saying how bad it was, but it we correctly identified it as the football guy who gets so frustrated he just challenges a random play he knows he's gonna lose.

You cannot be a bad football coach and have slicked-back hair like Ben McAdoo

My other hot seat was Ben McAdoo's hair. You can't be bad and have hair like that... That slick back hair and the quarter length sleeve jumper was just such a bad... You can't look like an asshole when you get beat on Monday Night Football.

Ben McAdoo is officially not a football guy

I am officially, here's me, a rare thing done on Pardon My Take... I'm here to apologize. Ben McAdoo is not a football guy. Firmly not. The punch the kangaroo in the face stunt, that's when I knew he was not a football guy. That slick back hair and the quarter length sleeve jumper... You can't look like an asshole when you get beat on Monday Night Football.

No fat football coach has ever won the Super Bowl

It is scientific fact. No fat football coach has ever won the Super Bowl. Think about it. Parcells was skinnier. John Madden was a lot skinnier. Every football guy gets fatter after they retire... Parcells was actually kind of in football guy shape. I'm saying no fat coach. That's why Andy Reid's probably losing all this weight because he's like, fuck, I got to get in shape.

Robert Griffin III is going to dislocate his patella playing pickup basketball

RG3 was videotaped in a gym... playing against 40-year-old white dudes and just draining buckets all over them. So that can only mean that a Robert Griffin patellar dislocation is right around the corner.

The Vikings officially won the Sam Bradford trade with the Eagles

Sam Bradford, that is an official win for the Vikings in their trade when you said that that was the worst trade ever last year... Teddy Bridgewater might never play football again. Sam Bradford was on fire on Monday night.

Mike Vick's dog training experience will help him as an NFL coaching intern

There are actually probably some lessons from [Mike Vick's] dog training days that he could directly apply to training athletes. He's going to keep his young quarterbacks on a short leash until they're trustworthy.

Colin Kaepernick has a 'Bob Ross thing' going on and the NFL wants a surgeon at quarterback, not an artist

Kaepernick's hair, he's got like a Bob Ross thing going on. The guy that was on Public Access, the painter guy. And if you want to be a quarterback, we don't want an artist, right? We want a surgeon.

NFL equipment managers might be the ones preventing teams from signing Colin Kaepernick because they don't have helmets big enough for his hair

Maybe it is actually the equipment guys who are telling these owners not to sign Colin Kaepernick because they're like, I don't think I have a helmet big enough for his hair.

Mitch Trubisky should start early because the Tim Tebow model worked for John Fox

John Fox... just said he wants to start getting Mitch Trubisky as much experience as possible, as early as possible... because it worked really well when he got Tebow. All that experience right away.

J.J. Watt rejected the Top 100 players list only to show everyone how humble he is

J.J. responded to it and said, I only played three games last year. What a joke this list is. So J.J. gets it. He's going to make sure that everybody knows how humble he is. And he's rejecting the title of a top 100 player. While also letting everyone know that he made the top 100 list.

The Browns hiring Ryan Grigson is a threat to the AFC North

My hot seat is the AFC North. And my reason why is because the Browns hired Ryan Grigson. So watch out... I'm very excited to see how Ryan Grigson can fuck up the Browns even more. It will be interesting. That's a great challenge for that guy.