Takes

Ulcerative colitis is not actually a disease and those who have it are lucky the drug industry pays attention to them

Ulcerative colitis is not a disease... They're not great medicines, but the people with ulcerative colitis, they're lucky, quite frankly, that they have a drug industry who can pay attention to them.

It is impossible for a human to tread water for 45 minutes without a life jacket

You can't tread water for 45 minutes without a life jacket... It's like a horse laying down for longer than two minutes. You're going to die.

Fat is coming back as a trend and Brooklyn will lead the way

Fat is coming back. And good news for you. The first place that it's going to come back, place at the forefront of all these trends, is Brooklyn. You know, like back in the day, if you were fat, it meant that you were well fed and that you could take care of yourself.

The Yellowstone supervolcano is 100,000 years overdue for an eruption that will end the world

The Yellowstone Super Volcano... we are way overdue for an eruption. We're 100,000 years past due for it. So, you know, live like there's no tomorrow because it probably isn't.

If a fire alarm goes off in a hotel, you don't have to leave unless you actually smell smoke or see someone on fire

Either way, if a fire alarm goes off in a hotel, you don't have to leave. That's like a rule. Everyone knows that... Until people start running or you smell smoke, you don't have to go anywhere until I see somebody on fire.

Wearing hats and helmets causes baldness because hair needs sun and rain to grow

If you're wearing a hat, it's like you can't grow plants indoors, right? So therefore, if you go your whole life wearing hats and helmets, I can see how like your hair doesn't get enough sun and rain, and so it would not grow as well later on.

Intellectual activity can cause baldness

Intellectual activity can cause baldness. ... Most professors have glasses and they're bald.

Pokemon Go is the greatest sporting event of our lifetime

We're kind of doing a disservice by calling this Sports Hell Week because possibly the greatest sporting event of our lifetime or probably anybody's lifetime is going on as we speak, and that's Pokemon Go.

I will never compete in the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest again

I've survived to tell my tale. I'll never do it again. But it was a great experience to have.

The only opponent to ever defeat the United States in a war is obesity

What's the only opponent to ever defeat the United States in a war? Nobody. It's obesity. We lost that one. Just like we have lost the war on obesity.

I will enter a zone and eat 75 hot dogs in 10 minutes at the Nathan's contest

Leicester City, 1,500 to 1 odds. Just saying, things happen. Maybe I just get in a zone and I eat 75 hot dogs in 10 minutes.

I have a .001% chance of blacking out and eating 80 hot dogs at the Nathan's contest

I also, .001% chance, I think I could just black out and eat 80 hot dogs.

Big Cat will fail to hit double digits in the hot dog contest; the over-under should be 7.5

I'd be shocked if you hit double digits. I would say that the over-under should be set at about seven and a half.

JJ Watt eating a raw egg on Jimmy Fallon is condoning mass murder and sweatshops

Each egg is actually like a chicken abortion. So like you're basically condoning mass murder when you eat that egg... eggs are produced in unsanitary hen houses. So they're basically sweatshops for chickens. So that's not cool.

Human evolution is not real because our testicles aren't protected by a rib cage

I think this really proves, though, is that evolution is not real. Because if you think about it, if evolution was real, like the most sensitive part of the male body, what is it doing just like hanging out there in the open? It should be like horses. It should be like inside. There should be a rib cage around your balls protecting you. A ball shield.

The Zika virus is an official threat to the Rio Olympics because of sexual transmission

If you can't get your dick sucked or eat some vagina, there's no point in going to Rio. So Zika is now an official threat to the Olympics. If you're an Olympic athlete and you can't fucking suck your way through Rio, what's the point in going?

The horse Nyquist has AIDS

The horse has AIDS. Right. The first thing I did was... Fuck the horse. Both on Twitter and in real life.

Seeing a hot nude of your ex on your phone actually makes you more attractive to your current girlfriend

I would say that this is actually a good move for the guy because... she's jealous because you've got a hot nude of your ex on there. And so now she's like, there's something about this guy that makes chicks want to send him nudes. And so like in her mind, now you're like, you're one notch up now.

Gorillas are more valuable than humans because they are the patriarch of human invention

Technically humans, all those things that are invented by humans, humans are invented by gorillas, right? Like evolution. So wouldn't you say that gorillas are more valuable than humans? They're the patriarch of all those things. They're basically God.

The giant alligator on the Florida golf course is fake

I think this is a Kimmel stunt or it's a viral thing for the owners of the golf course. There's no way that thing's real. The alligator was like – its back was about four and a half feet off the ground and it walked like it was two human beings... I think they're trying to play a next level one on us. And 99% sure that alligator is definitely fake.

Horse racing is actually the most humane and best possible life for a horse

If these horses weren't racing, they would be obese and they would die much earlier of heart conditions and things like that. Or they'd be wild. They'd fight each other and kill each other. So horse racing is probably the best thing for a horse's life. [It is] most humane.

We should buy a shotgun for the van to survive the Indy 500 Coca-Cola lot

We need to figure that out because it might be worthwhile buying a shotgun for the van... [to deal with] bands of marauders going through there? Like Vikings?

Never plead guilty to a crime even if you were caught on video

What lawyer tells his client to ever plead guilty? I've never understood that. ... My legal advice for everybody out there: Just don't plead guilty even if you absolutely did it and you're caught on video. Don't do it.

Doing somersaults cures muscle cramps

My fun fact is that if you get a cramp, doing somersaults gets rid of the cramp. ... I was playing golf with my friends, and he just started doing somersaults. And I was like, why? And he said, it's because you get cramps, and that gets rid of him.

Life.com is the most prestigious university in the world

I don't want to go recency bias on us, but Life.com is probably the most prestigious university in the world.

The physics of how planes stay in the air don't actually make sense

I don't understand the physics of planes staying in the air. ... I mean, you're going 30,000 feet in the air and you're just trusting that a plane is just going to coast.

A 'Hangover Crawl' starting with Pedialyte cocktails and ending in a movie theater would be a million-dollar business

I think it can make a million bucks. We start a hangover crawl, which is like a 1 o'clock meetup... You start out with Pedialyte cocktails, a Bloody Mary. You move on to like a Klonopin bar, some margaritas. Then you go to like a movie theater where you play a boring movie, let people pass out for 90 minutes. Give them an IV... I think that's key.

Pissing rhabdo-colored urine makes you the best possible teammate

That dark shade of brown that's above clear piss. That's if you have rhabdo. That's when you're actually the best teammate. Sacrificing yourself. When your body is deteriorating, your muscle is deteriorating and you're pissing it out.

I'm just not going to pay my taxes

Probably just not going to do them. [Taxes].

Matt Harvey's bladder infection story will lead to an uptick in SAT scores

What are the long-term ramifications of a big news story about a major league pitcher that doesn't pee enough? And I thought, well, this upcoming SAT season, you're probably going to see a big uptick in the overall scores on SATs because there are going to be a lot more guys that are going to be like, hey, I have to go pee and then go cheat in the bathroom.

True 'Football Guys' don't actually poop because their bodies are too efficient

Real football guys, their bodies operate so efficiently that they—first of all, they don't really eat meals because they're just too busy watching film. They eat like a couple granola bars... their bodies are just so efficient at burning everything, converting everything to energy. They just like—they don't crap. It just all goes right into the muscles or the fat... I don't think that Jeff Fisher can crap his pants because I would submit that Jeff Fisher doesn't crap.

The best way to cure a hangover in Las Vegas is to breathe the oxygen pumped into the casinos

Actually, the best thing to do in Vegas if you're hungover is to go down to the casino and start playing some cards or go to the sports book because they pump oxygen into the casinos. And so if you want to not be tired anymore, just go down there and breathe that thick-ass air, and you'll be okay much faster than if you got an IV.

Synthetic turf fields are cancer hotbeds for kids

There have been like five or six goalies that dive too much and get tires up their nose... and they come down with childhood cancer. And like that's, that would affect a lot of people across the United States. If that's true, because we've completely gotten rid of all of our grass fields. And now we've just got these cancer hotbeds.

The position parents are in during conception determines their child's athletic ability

I'm not a doctor, but, like, is there a way to tell, like, what position the parents were in when the kid was conceived? ... maybe the Gronkowskis, maybe they've got this stable of just super athletes being poured out of there because, like, maybe [Gordy] and the mom were, like, sprinting in some weird position while the conception occurred.

Chris Jones should fully embrace the 'big dick' brand by wearing painted-on jeans to press conferences

I think he needs to just run with this and totally embrace it and always be the guy with a [large package]. Like show up to press conferences wearing like extremely tight pants. If you want to wear compression shorts, go for it. But if you have to wear jeans or whatever for the dress code, wear painted on jeans and just have that snake hanging down to your knee.

If you're PC police, you have to tell me — otherwise it's entrapment

If you're a PC police, you have to tell me. Otherwise, it's entrapment. I know my rights.