Takes

The US government will confirm the existence of aliens this week

Aliens might drop this week. Like, like there's aliens might drop this week... [The White House] might confirm the existence of aliens as early as this week. And just be ready for the outcome of that.

The 'Blob' weather pattern could mean the end of the world

B-Big Cat, We are Earth could be finished. We could be done... There's a world, the blob never goes away... I do wanna say you're right. I was being dramatic there. Blob will go away, but it's sinking its toes right now.

Magnus Carlsen is no longer the GOAT of chess because he keeps losing.

I'm gonna say right now, Magnus [Carlsen] not the best. 'cause I have been watching chess religiously for almost 48 hours now. And all I've seen is Magnus lost.

People will stop visiting Orlando entirely if the airport removes its Chili's

I am taking up a new fight. They're changing the Orlando airport and the Chili's is going to be gone in 2025. We're not gonna let this happen... I predict that people are gonna stop visiting Orlando, Florida entirely because of this. There's no amusement found in Orlando [without it].

AI-powered robots will kill us all in less than a year

If you guys watch the episode metalhead [from Black Mirror], that's actually happening in real life... They gave Boston Dynamics robots brains and now they can do whatever they want. Think for themselves. ... I still think we got less than a year left. We're cooked.

AI robots will take over and kill everyone within a month

I'm fully convinced, I figured I should just get it on record that probably within like a month, AI is going to build robots, take over the world and we're all gonna die.

I could land a commercial airliner if the pilot became incapacitated

If I got behind the wheel or what the stick of a 737 and I was able to talk to air traffic control, I honestly do believe that I would be able to land a plane. It's pretty simple stuff. It's not rocket science, it's air science.

There are wooly mammoth bones and ivory worth millions in the East River

There's a bunch of treasure in the East River... wooly mammoth bones, tusks, ivory. It's treasure. Millions. Billions. The treasure is on East 65th Street next to the FDR Drive in the water... we're gonna try to go get it.

The James Webb telescope images are fake and look like a lava lamp

Those images... are freaking me out... but that could also just be some fucking scientists lava lamp and they just send it out and they're like, check this out guys... I did see this picture and I just said that's fake.

If you haven't been to the dentist in over three years, just never go again

Anyone who has not been there for more than three years, just never go again ever... she was the dental hygienist was just ripping up my mouth, blood everywhere. And she was like, if you did, if you came in every six months, none of this would have happened. And I was like, well, what if I just never came in again? None of this would've happened... I would recommend it to all of you... It is absolutely the worst.

Mickey Sudo might beat Joey Chestnut in the next Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest

Mickey Sudo only ate 45 hot dogs for the Nathan's hot dog eating contest. So she was able to eat way more bratwurst, even though they're bigger... if these trends are correct, Joey Chestnut might get knocked off this next hot dog eating contest. I'm just saying by a woman.

Jeff Bezos will disable his companies while in outer space to prank Earth

I think the Earth's actually in the hot seat for all that because it's bad news whenever the richest person on Earth decides to leave for a little bit. what better there will never be a better time for jeff bezos to disable all of his companies that we depend on for everything than when he's in outer space with his brother pissed off at his ex-wife.

I could break the underwater bench press record

The underwater bench press record was broken... repped it out 77 times, beating the previous record of 62 times. Only 110 pounds... it's more of just a holding your breath thing. So I'm kind of, you know, in the back of my head, I'm like, I could do that. I could break that record.

You are statistically less likely to have shrimp in your next box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch

Statistically, you're more less likely to have shrimp in your next box. [Big Cat: No, but it was zero] ... No, it's like once in a blue moon.

A rival cereal company planted shrimp in Jensen Karp's cereal to change the narrative

This could be a case of, I don't know, maybe a rival cereal company seeing that Cinnamon Toast Crunch was getting all that shine last week. They go into Costco in the dead of night with a box cutter and some tape and a couple of shrimp tails, and they just try to get the story out there to change the narrative.

Gardner Minshew is effectively the vaccine for COVID-19

My hot seat is the coronavirus. That's right. It's back on the hot seat because we've discovered a vaccine. And that's just being Gardner Minshew. Yeah. So Gardner Minshew tested positive and he said that the virus took one look at him and turn the other way.

If a bear can use nunchucks, a gorilla can fly a Black Hawk helicopter

It turns out that bears actually can use weapons... If a bear can pick up a nunchuck, a gorilla can pick up a fucking rocket launcher. A gorilla would be able to fly like a Black Hawk helicopter if a bear is able to use these martial art weapons.

New York City will have an eerie and calm Fourth of July because people used up all the fireworks in June.

Right now people have bought up so many fireworks and used enough of them already that there's not going to be enough left over for the fourth, at least in New York City. First, it'll be like a calm-ish, calmer than normal Fourth of July in New York City, which should be—that'll be kind of eerie.

I want to create a giant mutant species of bullfrog using CRISPR technology

So African bullfrogs really cool... he sells these Gene I think it's and it's for frogs. So he does it on like home lab frogs... we could This frog which is already giant. We could make it even bigger. if I were Jack Ewing... Can we just I am backing to make a mutant frogs Yeah, but it's totally legal with science.

I will have the greatest gambling season of my life because of clovers in my new yard

I'm moving and I got a little patch of grass, shrubbery at the new place... Talk to the previous tenant, he said if you look close enough, there's a bunch of four-leaf clovers in there. So I'm about to have the greatest gambling season of my life.

Vaping is about to see a spike in use because it has become 'rebellious' again

My cool throw is vaping because there's been a real spike... in vaping deaths. So now vaping has kind of turned the corner. It's like it's a bad boy thing... well now vaping has entered that realm because it's killing people... I think it's going to see a spike in use.

Ben Roethlisberger has used a computer less than ten times in his life

I'll say it right now. Since the day he left college, Ben Roethlisberger has sat in front of a computer less than ten times.

Real dinosaurs will be recreated within five years

A famed paleontologist, Dr. Jack Horner... came out and said that we're only five years from actually recreating real dinosaurs. Using chickens.

I am giving up masturbation to get an edge for my upcoming fight

I've decided to give up masturbation. So for those who don't know, Hank is actually fighting. It's a real fight, Rough N Rowdy. December 15th. I need every edge I can get.